“Betty Bedtime”: What All Parents Need (Hire Yours Today!)

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Do you work?

Do you have a part-time job?

Are you in need of extra money?

I might have just the job for you.

BETTY BEDTIME.

Not a night owl? Well, don’t run away just yet. Although that position is still being created, I do have the title for it: MORGAN MORNING. MM isn’t ready to get off the ground yet. The mornings are insanity and I just don’t know if I have the money to pay someone for that yet.

So, just what is expected of you if you say “yes” to being Betty Bedtime? We’ll talk about pay later. Isn’t that how it always works? Hear about what you need to do and then the pay conversation?

Let’s go over “Betty Bedtime”‘s job first. If you become a “Betty Bedtime”, I’m going to need you to dress in the Betty Bedtime garb, which I haven’t picked out yet. Whatever it is, it’ll be sort of cute, but not too cute. Betty Bedtime can show no cleavage. We’re not in the Breaking Up Happy Homes business. I’ll probably make the uniform scrubs or something. Ugly scrubs.

You will arrive at about 7:00 p.m., which should be after dinner has been eaten. If there are still dishes to do, you can offer to do them, but that’s not your main job. We may offer bonuses for dishes done, but your name is “Betty Bedtime”, not “Darla Dishes”. Your main job is to assist the mom or dad in getting the children to bed before it’s 1 a.m. I kid. It can’t be 1 a.m. If you can’t get the child to bed until 1 a.m., you will be let go. No, the bedtime must occur before 9 p.m. and it must be done safely and without any medication. We’re not looking to go to jail.

But, getting the child to go to sleep isn’t where it stops.

You know that’s crazy.

There is so much to do besides getting the child to go to sleep. You also must answer these questions:

-Are the sheets on the bed clean?
-If they’re not clean, are there clean ones you can put on the bed?
-If no clean ones, can you put your face in the sheets to determine if Febreze can you help?
-It’s that bad?
-Are there room for the sheets in the washing machine?
-Can you walk downstairs and put them in the washing machine now?
-Oh, no, there are clothes already in the washing machine?
-Can you take the clothes out of the washing machine and put it in the dryer?
-Can you take the clothes out of the dryer and put it on the couch?
-Can you look to see if my son’s favorite football jersey is in that mound of dry clothes?
-Can you make sure to carry that back up with you?
-If the fan is still on in the living room, can you turn it off?
-Can you get a sippy cup of water and bring it back up when you’re done?
-After you put those dirty sheets in the washing machine, can you put the clean sheets on the bed?
-Actually, can you catch that child running down the stairs away from the bath tub first?
-Can you put a diaper on him?
-Can you put the diaper on him again since he just ripped that one off?
-Okay, now the sheets?
-We ran out of clean towels, can you put sheets on the bed faster?
-Since I’m in the middle of trying to rinse shampoo out of my other child’s hair, can you get the clean towels?
-Can you make sure you get the towel with the frog hood on it?
-Did you happen to see any towels in the dryer?
-Can you go ahead and fold those really quickly?
-Can you go back downstairs and get my son’s favorite stuffed animal that he left on the couch?
-While you’re down there, can you start making the kids’ lunches?
-Actually, can you get the towel first?
-And the kid?

You see, it’s not an easy job. Parents will be so happy to have you around. You arrive at 7 and leave at 9:30 every night. Your job is 2.5 hours per night, but we’ll pay you the equivalent to working 24 straight hours. (Still working out the pay, remember? Don’t press me. This is bad interview etiquette.)

We need you, though.

Parents need Betty Bedtimers.

We need an extra hand, because, as you can see from the questions alone, there is so much to consider before the child goes to sleep: clean sheets, pajamas, clean underwear, diapers, pull-ups, clothes for the next day, snacks, “one more drink”, working nightlights, books, “one more book”, setting of the alarm, bathing, getting more soap, getting more shampoo, clean towels, toilet paper and, for the ones that care about the bonus, the dirty kitchen that needs to be cleaned.

And that was probably only half of it.

Although we wish you could be Rita Faye Stay All Day, most of us can’t afford that. What we are looking for is a little bit of what Rita Faye Stay All Day does, but during the bedtime hours, which is why we need a Betty Bedtime. WE’RE TIRED, TOO.

By the way, there’s a whole list of things Betty can’t do, such as giving your husband a shoulder massage to lull him to sleep. Betty Bedtime can’t do that. We won’t have misbehaving Betties.

So, you in?

Want to be a Betty Bedtimer?

I’m working on getting a car for you with a recognizable super cute Betty Bedtime trademark on the side, so don’t let that be a reason you walk away.

And we’ll talk about the pay later.

(If you are interested in hiring one for yourself, leave me a message in the comments. I’ll do my best.)

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