1. DON’T sit outside being really approachable when you see strangers walking down the sidewalks in your neighborhood and one comes into your driveway and strikes up a conversation about her new carpet cleaning business.
2. DON’T believe her when she offers to shampoo one room of your house for free but won’t tell you the name of her company. This is an important detail. They left it out on purpose. Don’t be so gullible. What is wrong with you?
3. DON’T say “Okay, you can come clean one room of my house for free. I am having company over and was going to call a reputable carpet cleaning business today anyway.”
4. DON’T believe her when she says, “Okay, let me go get my supplies and I’ll be right back.” This is when you toss your kids in the car, burn rubber on the driveway and high-tail it outta there.
5. DON’T keep sitting outside when you see a van drive up with supplies but the girl isn’t in the van, but instead two smiling teenage boys jump out with carpet cleaning supplies in their hands. They look like nice and friendly boys. They are not. THEY ARE SHARKS! CAN’T YOU SEE THIS?!?
6. DON’T let them in your house!!!
You let them in your house. *Sigh* Okay, well, then…
7. DON’T drool over the fact that your carpets look awesome with their new machine and practically do back-flips when you see that dang paint stain finally disappear. Don’t yell out, “HOT DOG!!!! YOU GOT THAT BLASTED STAIN OUT! I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO MARRY YOUR MACHINE!” Wipe the smile, sparkle in your eyes and ooo’s and ahh’s off of your face. You are being such easy prey. How embarrassing.
8. DON’T just keep sitting there watch them shampoo your entire house and mattress, too, while trying to maintain your friendly “I’m just not interested in your $1,235,235 carpet shampooer right now” attitude. You are wrong. You can’t afford that carpet cleaner right now. Stop doing the math in your head and just GET YOUR NUNCHUCKS OUT!
9. DON’T act impressed that they have a video from Oprah with them that shows the bed bugs before and after they use their little machine on your mattress. Don’t keep smiling and acting like a nincompoop. THEY HAVE BEEN AT YOUR HOUSE FOR THREE HOURS ALREADY!!! THREE STANKIN’ HOURS!!!!!!
10. DON’T tell your husband. He’ll be mad. He’ll scold you for a long time about never letting strangers in the house like that. He’ll ask “What were you thinking?” over and over. He’ll wonder where your brain went. He may auction you off on E-bay. If that doesn’t work, he may situate you on a shelf between beanie babies at a local garage sale.
*This happened to me a few years ago when I lived at another house. I felt I needed to clarify that for any neighbors reading this today. I wrote this post back then but thought the lesson is still a good one. I have grown a bit wiser over the years… Just a bit.*
Please make me feel better by telling us your story. Haven’t you ever let a complete stranger into your house that would never leave? Ever?