What I Need In A Neighbor

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The neighbors are moving.

I can’t say that I’m sad because I don’t know them at all. We moved in almost two years ago. I remember the first time that I saw the mom out in the cul-de-sac with her little boy. I thought it was a good time to introduce myself, so I did. She wasn’t very friendly and told me that they “like to keep to themselves”. I slowly backed away and then ran fast in the other direction, probably head-first into my sideways leaning mailbox.

We’ve seen them a time or two since, like at the Easter egg hunt. We didn’t even exchange glances. They made it clear that they weren’t interested in being friendly neighbors, so that was that.

When we noticed the house was for sale, our minds started reeling about who might move in there. Besides the little toddler boy next door that we don’t know, we have a soon-to-be 6th grade girl, a high school senior, a couple who have two kids in college and an older couple with no kids at home anymore. There aren’t any kids outside playing besides mine.

The house wasn’t selling, though.

It just sat there.

And sat there.

And sat there.

I was wondering what the deal could be? Did the potential buyers come over and see that I was getting on to my kids (loudly) to take the trash out already? Did they catch a glimpse of our messy garage and decide they didn’t want neighbors like us?

Or did they never even get past the realtor website? Did they see this picture of our neighbor’s backyard and decide they didn’t want neighbors like us beside them? The kind of neighbors that rent bouncy houses and probably have wild kids running around?

I kind of felt bad that the day the realtor’s photographer came over to take picturesque views of the neighbor’s yard, we happened to have a birthday party with a bouncy house.

Well, now that I think about it, maybe I don’t feel that bad. Hey, it’s announcing to the potential buyers “THERE ARE KIDS NEXT DOOR. YOU WILL HAVE CHILDREN RUNNING AROUND AND BEING LOUD NEXT DOOR. KIDS WILL LIKELY KICK BALLS OVER YOUR FENCE FROM NEXT DOOR. YOU MIGHT HEAR THE MOM YELL SOMETIMES AT HER KIDS TO STOP MAKING EACH OTHER SMELL EACH OTHER’S DIRTY SOCKS AND ARMPITS…FROM NEXT DOOR.”

Actually, I’m glad the bouncy house is there.

I think it may be too late to put my wanted ad out for a new neighbor. Now, let me say first that I would be happy to have any nice, near-normal neighbor next door- with kids or without kids. But, selfishly speaking, it would be great if the neighbor had these following qualities:

  • The new neighbors must be nice.
  • The new neighbors should ideally have at least one boy, if not two boys.
  • The new neighbor boys should be in Kindergarten through fifth grade.
  • The new neighbor boys must be nice kids in Kindergarten through fifth grade.
  • The new neighbors will get brownies if their boys are 10 and 6.
  • The new neighbor boys should not smoke already. Or do recreational drugs.
  • The new neighbors must not have criminal convictions, including the boys.
  • The new neighbors should like to have their kids play kickball and basketball and play catch with my kids in the front of the houses, so that I can have a moment of peace.
  • The new neighbor mom must take turns watching the kids outside. If she makes me always watch the kids outside, I will not like the new neighbor as much.
  • The new neighbor mom must get some of my jokes.
  • The new neighbor boys should be nice to my boys. Most of the time.
  • The new neighbors must cut their grass.
  • The new neighbors must NOT turn their entire house into a marijuana growing factory.
  • The new neighbor mom must be a texter, so I can text her to see if anyone has taken the wheels off of our car when we are on vacation.
  • The new neighbor mom must have sugar or eggs or cream of tartar or milk or 1/3 cup of vegetable oil when I text her to ask her if she has any.
  • The new neighbors must not take drunk naps in their yard. My yard either.
  • The new neighbors must not try to break into our house when we are gone.
  • The new neighbors must not want to talk all the time. Just some of the time.
  • The new neighbors must not blab to the other neighbors when I come outside in my pajamas looking like Big Foot early in the morning.

I don’t think that is asking too much, do you?

If these new neighbors-to-be don’t quite make the cut, I might be compelled to buy this mat.

Are you sitting around the Break Room table yet?

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