How To Make Banana Dolphins

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I don’t consider myself crafty. In fact, I have been featured on CraftFail, so that should tell you something. (That Lego cake truly was somethin’ ugly.)

Occasionally, though, I get an urge to try something. It’s like I want to defy the likelihood that I’ll be featured on CraftFail again.
That urge hit me a few days ago while on Facebook. I saw dolphins made out of bananas. I don’t actually know where I saw it originally. I just glanced at it on my Facebook thread and I was all about it. Both of my boys are on swim team and their team’s name is the Dolphins. (Their coach is my friend, Germaine, that went with me to Whole Foods and made some mean peanut butter.) We had an end-of-the-year party this past Monday night. I thought these would be cute to display there as decorations.
I know.
It’s sort of annoying.
I made them, anyway, and thought I’d share them here. SO many people (men included!) commented on how cute they thought they were. Part of me thinks they were just having pity on me- the men and women.
“Oh, would you look at that poor girl with her ice chest?”
“What girl?”
“That girl. She’s sweating like she just picked up Rob Ford. And, look at her now… Awww! She’s pulling out something she made and she’s putting them on all of the tables. How cute is that? Poor girl.”
“Does she really think we are going to eat those things? Do you think her sweat got on those grapes?”
“I don’t know, but I kind of feel sorry for her. Oh! Quit staring! She’s walking this way!”
“What are we supposed to do?! Do we take one of her bowls of bananas and grapes??”
“Yes! Take it and smile! If you don’t, she’ll probably cry!”
Everyone let me set my little creation on the table. No one slapped my hand or anything. I set it down and ran. I don’t know what my deal was… I guess I sort of just felt cheesy- like a huge walking sweaty Puffy Cheeto.
The thing is, I usually arrive at these events by myself and then my husband comes later. I look like I’m an unpacking a small UHaul anytime I go to something for the boys. If my husband were there, I could say, “Hey, take these fruit dolphins to the table so you can look like crafty nitwit” and then I could run and watch everyone’s reaction from the bush I just jumped behind.
But, no, it always has to be me.
So, I got lots of looks of pity and confusion as I set them on the table. When I came across people I knew well, I’d tell them through gritted teeth, “You better eat one of these grapes.” 
(I had to get an army of people to invest in my creation or else it would may have only been the Fly Family Reunion who enjoyed it at all.)
So, how did I make them? I think it is pretty plain to see, but I thought I’d throw in some extra tips.
1. Get some unbruised but not green bananas. If the bananas at the store get their feelings hurt, tell them that surely someone who has plans for banana bread will pick them up soon.
2. Cut the brown stumpy part off of the stem. You know, the part that sort of looks like a newborn’s umbilical cord.
3. Slice the banana horizontally right in its midsection. Vary the heights so you look like you have a bunch of different dolphins and not dolphin robots.
4. Slice the stem down the middle to create the dolphin’s mouth, but don’t slice your finger off.
5. Get something to make little holes I either side of the dolphin’s head to make dolphin eyeballs. I used the end of a spatula. As the dolphins sit there, the tiny dots bruise up and get darker.
6. Shove a grape in your dolphin’s mouth to resemble a ball but don’t shove too hard or you’ll break your dolphin’s jaw. Dolphins with broken jaws have to go to Sea World to get rehabilitated and Sea World is kind of funny about taking dolphin bananas, which is strange since you’d think they’d care about all dolphins.
7. Surround your dolphin banana with more grapes so your dolphin doesn’t fall over and look like a dead dolphin. (This could scare all the children and potentially ruin your event.)
8. Consider putting all of these things in a blue plastic bowl so that it looks like your dolphin is in water. Be aware, though, that people could accuse you of keeping your dolphins in captivity, which could lead to picketing by animal rights activists and fights that include flying chairs.
9. Enjoy! <—my number one pet peeve at the end of all recipes or instructions
Do you think you’ll ever make these?

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