The Story of How I Broke A Bottle of Beer at Church

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I know, right?

That’s terrible, right?

I wouldn’t even consider myself a beer drinker. I mean, I’ve had a beer. Or two. It’s just that I’m not all “HEY, I’M HOME! GRAB ME A BEER! TOSS ME A BEER! I NEED A DADGUM BEER!”

I blame my friend, Rachel, for my recent mishap. I have a lot of mishaps. The reason I blame Rachel will be explained shortly. First, I must tell you about my first mishap of the day and then I’ll get to the mishap that is all Rachel’s fault.

First mishap of the day that’s not Rachel’s fault

I tried to drive off from the gas station without taking out the gasoline hose thingy from my car. I had just dropped my boys off at basketball camp at a local church. I think I was in a no-kids daze. I never go inside the store when I get gas. I felt like I had the time to leisurely stroll in there and get a fountain drink. When I came out, the gas had obviously finished pumping. All was quiet. I got in the car, took a sip of my drink and started pulling away.

THUMP.

Well, dang it all down a well. The gas hose thingy had stretched all out and was hanging out all stretched out over the trash can next to the gas pump. I quickly got out, looked around to see if I anyone saw me (guy to the left did), put it back where it belonged, put the cap back on my tank and got. out. of. there. (And, yes, I paid!)

So, that was sort of embarrassing.

That had nothing on what Rachel made me do.

Why I’m blaming my second mishap on Rachel

I always have to back up and give you some back story. My husband refers to this as taking a long time to get to the point, but he’s not here right now, so I’ll give as much back story as I want.

So, anyway.

So, this past Saturday night was a shrimp boil for our neighborhood swim team. The cooler we brought to that was still in the back of my car 3 days later. (Shush it. I’ve been busy.) In that cooler were a couple of glass bottles of tea, some Diet Cokes, some water and…Apple Ale. It’s basically beer with an apple twist. My friend, RACHEL, had this drink at a recent Bunco night. It looked appealing.

If Rachel had never brought that bottle of Apple Ale to Bunco, I wouldn’t have known about it and it wouldn’t have been in the cooler that I hadn’t taken out of my car yet. You follow me, right?

“Why do you have Apple Ale?” my husband asked.

“I thought it looked like something I would want to try. It may be good.”

“Why?”
“Well, Rachel down the street had it at Bunco and it looked good, so…”

“You know you’ve bought Apple Ale before and said the same thing before.”

“About Rachel?”

“No, about it looking good and wanting to try it.”
“Are you sure? I’m not sure that’s right.”

“I’m sure I’m sure that’s right.”

“I’m sure you’re sure but I’m sure you’re surely wrong.”

He was probably right. In any case, I bought some and stuffed a couple in the cooler for the shrimp boil. I actually never even drank the dang things at the shrimp boil, so they were still in the cooler when I put the cooler in the back of the SUV later that night.

Why the second mishap that I haven’t even told you about yet is really my fault

I never took the cooler out of the SUV. That’s why it’s really my fault.

Although, yes, it’s true that the second mishap of the day wouldn’t have happened if Rachel had never brought that Apple Ale to Bunco which enticed me to try them myself, it really wouldn’t have happened if had taken the cooler out of the back of the SUV.

The lead-up to the second mishap of the day

After the first mishap of the day happened (the gas tank?), I drove to the school where I work to write a couple of reports that I had promised parents before the start of the school year. I also wanted to organize some bulletin board letters using this organizing thingy I bought. (I was going to make good use of these three hours my boys were in basketball camp.) I couldn’t find the organizing thingy when I lifted up the gate at the back of the SUV. We’ve got 41,215 folding chairs back there, plus two buckets of baseballs and baseball bags. And also that cooler. I had to lower one side of the back seats down to look from that angle.

I found the organizing thingy.

Buuuuuuuut…I didn’t push the back seats upright enough until it clicked.

The second mishap of the day

I had worked a little longer than I had expected, so I had to hook it to the basketball camp to get the boys. The basketball camp that takes place in a church. A large church. A large, well-attended, well-known church with lots of kids that go to basketball camp.

I turned off the main road onto a side road that leads back to the gym area. This isn’t the church that we attend, so I wasn’t as familiar with which entrance was best, which entrances were locked, etc. So, I may have pressed the brakes a little hard when I actually found THE place I was supposed to turn.

Which sent the cooler flying from the back of the SUV through the seat that I hadn’t clicked back into place to right behind the passenger’s seat…

And sort of made some of the bottles and cans jumble around a lot.

I would have to straighten all of that up before I got the boys or else they would have no place to sit.

I pulled up in the circle drive of the church. I was just about in front of the doors that lead out of the gym area into the circle drive that then goes into the parking lot. My point? Everyone would be coming in this direction. That was no problem, though. I would just clean it all up.

I would just open the side back door and straighten it all up.

The beer. Finally, she gets to the broken bottle of beer part of the story.

*Kelley opens the side door*

*cooler shifts*

*shook up bottle of beer comes toward her*

*beer explodes*

*beer bottle breaks onto the stone pavement*

*Kelley stands and stares at broken bottle of beer*

*Kelley looks at the doorway of the CHURCH now flooding with moms and their kids walking out*

*Kelley quickly picks up the big chunks of glass and throws it back into the cooler*

*Kelley gets most of the obvious glass out of the way before anyone walks near it*

*Kelley sees her friend, Laura, come closer with her son*

“What are you doing, Kelley?”

“Well, I sort of had an accident with this cooler from the shrimp boil. I know. I still had it in the car from the shrimp boi–“

“Do I smell alcohol?”

“Um, YES. Yes, that is from this apple ale I bought for the shrimp boil and it just broke everywhere. I wasn’t drinking it here. I promise.”

She laughed. Laura was at said shrimp boil. Laura probably would’ve tried an apple ale there if I had offered her one at the shrimp boil. Laura gave me a look of pity.

I finally cleaned it up enough so that I could run in and get the boys. I had to explain to them well before we hit the car that it was going to stink a little and that I still had some things to clean up. They were pretty understanding until later that day when my son said his cleats (which he had never taken out of the car either) had a little…ale in them. Well, he said they were wet. I know it was ale.

My son practiced baseball with beer in his shoe.

Goodness gracious.

The End

This would never happen to you, would it?

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