We can’t act like pants and sweatshirts are not going to up and leave us soon. They will. They will leave us like a cruel, cold-hearted snake soon. Are you ready for their departure? Better yet, are your legs reading for their departure? Your entire leg- not just your calf, but your knee caps and the back of your thighs, too. YOUR ENTIRE DADGUM LEG. Is it ready?
Some of you may get that top-to-bottom, every nook-and-cranny shaving business done every day, even in the winter. When I see you all the next time, I’m going to give all of you overashavers a sticker. Some of us, though, shave pretty well but maybe not very, very well. Shaving must be done very, very well in the next few weeks if you don’t want people to cover their eyes and point at your stubbly, hairy legs as they stand behind you in the line at Aldo’s. (I’ve never been to Aldo’s. I’ve heard you have to rent your own basket with a quarter and I don’t have any quarters. My sons took every last one of mine to play the crane game, get cheap toys and/or buy bubble gum.)
I don’t mind shaving when I have a brand new razor. I practically want to stand in the shower all day shaving with that thing. If I knew I how to whistle, I would probably whistle as I shaved. I have a brand new razor right now and, seriously, all seems right with the world.
I am still not looking forward to shaving each and every moment of the day, though. Even a brand new razor can’t make me embrace that mess. I feel like I am going to once again become the TSA Inspector Of Shaved Legs. Instead of searching for dangerous shampoos and whatnot, I’m looking for a rogue hair. “HOW DID YOU MISS THAT HAIR, KELLEY? GO STAND IN THE TALL ROUND THINGY AND SPIN AROUND WITH YOUR ARMS ABOVE YOUR HEAD.”
Shaving is something else, I tell you. Something. Else. Actually, shaving is okay. It’s the CONSTANT SHAVING that gets me.
*cues K. d. Lang to sing*
The thought of the level of shaving that will pretty much have to take place from now until Octoberish hit me this morning in the shower and, thus, a song was born, compliments to K.d. Lang. (I wonder how well she keeps up with shaving.)
Even through the most thorough shave
Of hair both thick and thin
Always someone misses one space
We girls have a lot of skin
Hasn’t always been
Thinking maybe there was no shaving in 1892
All girls didn’t shave, they were just cooking food
Now we girls find that life itself
Makes us feel like a poodle getting constantly groomed.
Will it ever end?
I don’t want to be its friend
I envy the men
They just have to worry about their faces and chins.
Is it already time again?
It’s a game we can never win.
I’m so bad at shaving my knees, friends.
Let me know when the Neanderthal Woman style is back in.
Is it really already time to do it again?
Seriously, it’s already time again?