Do you know someone who is addicted to milk? Do you know what it is like to watch milk slowly vanish from a container only to have no milk to back it up? Do you know how it feels to look into the eyes of a person who desperately needs milk for his cereal…only to find none? There are some weeks when the milk supply slips away before the milk addict can get to the store. This guide is to help you cope with the milk addict in your life, as we all know the first step to dealing with an emotional wreck is to understand that emotional wreck.
STAGE 1: EUPHORIC = 2 gallons
Life is absolutely FANTASTIC!! I got milk, people! I got TWO gallons of that mess all up in my fridge! I think I’ll have some Fruity Pebbles this morning AND tonight, SUCKAS! Does anyone want to change things up and put milk in your water guns? We’ve got plenty! Who wants to have a milk balloon fight? This is gonna be AWESOME! Can I get you a glass of milk to go with your milk? Your plants thirsty?
STAGE 2: ECSTATIC = 1 and 3/4 gallons
Wooohooo!! That milk jug still looks pretty full! Hey, neighbor with the new baby, come over here and fill your pitcher up with some of my 2% for that thirsty little thing! Is that little milk guzzler still crying? I’ll tell you what, take the rest of the gallon. Sure!! Hey, I’ve got a heart…AND a whole other gallon of milk in there. Check it out! Still almost full! GOOOOOO MILK!!!! [This is where the milk addict MAY do a back-flip and misjudge the space in the kitchen resulting in severe bruising & a tad bit of head trauma & may end up resembling that guy up there from Office Space]
STAGE 3: PANICKED = 1 gallon
There’s only one gallon in there. There’s only one gallon in there. There’s only one gallon in there. There’s only one gallon in there. Gotta go easy on the Ovaltine. Gotta go easy on the Ovaltine. Son, are you using milk to dip your watercolor brushes in? Alright, we gotta stop that mess. The 2 gallon life of luxury is no more, son! It’s no moooooore!! When can I go to the store? When can I go to the store? What, son? You want some chocolate milk? Alright, alright, alright. Grab the Ovaltine and the top of the toothpaste cap and I’ll whip you some up.
STAGE 4: AN ABSOLUTE SHELL OF A PERSON
You might as well hang it up. This is gone by the end of the stinkin’ day. The stinkin’ day!!! I don’t have time to go by the store for more milk right now. How can I make this stretch? Kids, strain your Cinnamon Toast Crunch from your old cereal milk, get a funnel and put that white gold in the refrigerator! Hide it behind the pickles!
STAGE 5: IN NEED OF A TRANQUILIZER SHOT = the….last…5….drops
No milk?!?! [loud wailing and gnashing of teeth begin] Five drops! Five (sob) drops (sob)? I don’t care. Put the edge of that Oreo in the little milk puddle and let me enjoy the bliss for a second or two. Why didn’t we get milk before now? [continues to loudly wail]
For the love of Oreos, don’t let the milk addict in your life get to the last 5 drops. Please. Go by the store for them & remember my motto:
When in doubt, clear the milk shelf out.