But, mostly I liked to pretend I was an adult with real-world jobs. When I wasn’t passing time scribbling inside book covers like I was writing in cursive, I was living out these 5 jobs that I always wanted but never had:
#1 SECRETARY: My grandmother was the secretary at a small church. Actually, my grandmother was a CPS at lots of different places and we ain’t talkin’ no Child Protective Services either, missy. How could you be a “Child Protective Services”, anyway? That’s not a noun! Anyway, my grandmother was a CERTIFIED…PROFESSIONAL…SECRETARY. I’m not sure if they have those anymore, but my grandmother was one and she could short-hand like a mad man. The entire Constitution could be reduced to two loopty-loos. I loved going with her to work. If you needed two blank pages with scribbles on them stapled, stamped, highlighted, taped and stapled once more, I was your woman.
#2 ACTRESS IN A DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL: I’m not sure if there are lots of dog food commercials on-air anymore because I don’t watch commercials. Do I look like I don’t have a DVR to you? Back in the 80’s, Alpo was all the rage. Those actors and actresses would show that juicy morsel of meat up close on the screen and cut into it with a fork to show you the inside. That little piece of dog food looked delicious! I wanted to eat it through my TV screen! So, you can better believe when we were eating Chef Boyardee’s spaghetti and meatballs, I cut through that meatball and pretended I was in a dog food commercial. I was really good at it, too. That meatball was evenly cut. No lopsided meatball cuttin’ going on in my kitchen. I even let you have plenty of time to inspect the moistness of that meatball.
#3 ACTRESS IN A BOUNTY COMMERCIAL: Just under wanting to be an actress in a dog food commercial was wanting to be an actress in a Bounty commercial. I loved how the screen was split in two with one side the unfortunate recipient of Horrible Paper Towel trying to wipe up a spill and the other side getting Bounty. Horrible Paper Towel just kept wiping and smearing and wiping and disintegrating right in front of our eyes while Bounty got it all in one sweep. SO. IMPRESSIVE. I wanted to impress people by wiping stuff up with Bounty. WHY COULDN’T THAT JOB HAVE BEEN MINE?? WHY WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO WIPE STUFF UP WITH PAPER TOWELS ON TV??
#4 TOUR GUIDE: Hey, my life isn’t over. I may still be a tour guide yet. When I get to be more rickety and old, I’m going to become a docent, which is a fancy word for tour guide, at a historical site somewhere. I really did want to be a tour guide, though. I once when to “Shark Encounters” at Sea World and loved hearing the cadence of the lady’s voice as she talked about hammerheads and whatnot. When we got back home, I floated my cocker spaniel around the pool on a raft while teaching her about great whites and tiger sharks. She never listened, though. She wasn’t the smartest dog and, let’s be honest, she just wasn’t that in to sharks.
#5 TEACHER: When I got older, I didn’t want to be a teacher anymore. I could have gone to college to be a teacher, but I got my degree in something else. When I was young, though, I thought teachers were DA BOMB. They still are, of course. When I was younger, I think my obsession with pretending to be a teacher had something to do with my infatuation with stapling, stamping, taping, highlighting and stapling some more. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT WHITE-OUTING. I could get a stack of papers and pretend to pass them out all day. I tried making worksheets for my younger sister to complete while we played school, but can you believe she flat refused to complete my worksheets?! FLAT REFUSED! That still didn’t stop me pretending to be a teacher, especially when I was with my friend, Aimee. She had an overhead projector, y’all! AN OVERHEAD! AT HER HOUSE! She had a real desk, too. I used to just salivate over it all.
Honestly, I still kind of want to be a dog food commercial actress.
And a Bounty actress.