The Candy Jar Surprise: What Would You Have Done If You Had Found THIS?

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“I have this friend…”

That always seems to be the way I begin my stories about many friends of mine. I guess my issues attract other people with issues, which means I always get to listen to funny, funny stories.

I have one particular friend that always has some kind of wacky story to share. That friend’s name is Gail. Gail and I used to work together at a gigantic hospital in the Texas Medical Center. (They are all gigantic.) We are both speech pathologists. Gail is the one who made a kitty litter cake long ago. I wrote about it here in the Break Room and that post still gets lots of hits.

(This is what it looked like.)

This was from my post the “Kitty Litter Cake”.

You know, now that I see that picture, I realize that I don’t know if she made it first or her co-workers had the idea before she did. Her co-workers made this cake from another place she worked.

ANYWAY.

Gail cracks me up. Gail and her cats crack me up. I once told a story here about how her cat was angry that she was going to travel, so the cat climbed in Gail’s suitcase and peed on her gym clothes. Gail didn’t realize it until she was at the gym on a treadmill next to a hot guy who kept sniffing in her direction. With every sniff he directed her way, she directed a sniff to the other person next to her. Just imagining this scene made me laugh!

Gail has also unknowingly arrived at a nude beach.

And she has mistaken string cheese for a tampon once. She didn’t insert it. She realized it was string cheese instead of a tampon once she was already in the bathroom.

I’m telling you. FULL OF STORIES.

Since she doesn’t have her own blog yet (she needs one!), I asked her if I could share her Facebook status update with you all. Being the awesome string cheese carrying woman she is…she said yes.

Boys, move along to the next posting. This is meant for the ladies only. I returned to work today after being off sick for like a week. Determined to make it through the day I went prepared with my bag-o-drugs (Dayquil, antibiotics, pro-biotics, inhaler, ect.). Little did I know that I had also accidentally included Monistat and its associated supplies. We all know one of the unfortunate side effects of antibiotics is the dreaded…..”itchies”, as my friend in high school used to call it. At the last minute I also decided to bring along a bag of candy to add to the community candy jar in the office. When I got to work I emptied my bag of candy into the jar and closed the lid. As I walked away I thought, hmm…I’d like a piece of chocolate. I returned to the jar, stuck my hand in and pulled out…..a Monistat vaginal inserter. WTH?? I reached in again and pulled out a mini package of Monistat feminine wipes. All I can say is THANK GOD I was the first to get to the jar before our one and only token male speech pathologist went for a mid day snack:)

Isn’t that awesome? I SO WISH someone else would have found the Monistat mixed in with the candy. They could have had “Monistat & Milky Ways”. It could be their new Monday theme. “Monistat & Milky Way Mondays” could be their new work treat reserved for that hard first day of the week.

The thing is, I can’t really give Gail a hard time due to all of the things that I do. Take last night, for example… Well, let’s go back to yesterday morning when the doorknob to our half bath came off. I wasn’t too worried about it until my 5-year-old went to the restroom and got locked in. How could that be? There is no door knob! Well, the locking mechanism was still in place, even though the knob was off. So, naturally he started to cry. And cry. I rushed to get one half of the knob, stuck it on the door, twisted it and he was released. Fast forward to later that night when everyone was asleep and I went to the restroom in there. 

And closed the door.
I wouldn’t have closed it if I hadn’t expected my mother-in-law to arrive home at any minute.
So, there I was…locked in the bathroom in a very quiet house.
I fiddled.
I faddled.
I fuddled.
(Those words mean “to shake the door and poke around the locking mechanism frantically”.)
I sent this text to my mother-in-law.

     *in my delirious state, l left out “you”

(And, yes, I had my phone with me in the bathroom. I was making the trip from one part of the house to the living room for the night and had it with me.)
I took pictures of my plight.
       Why must life treat me this way?
          How long would I live here? 
Just before I opted to make a pallet out of hand towels, I gave it one more try. I nearly severed my finger right off, but I finally set myself free!!
So, I can’t really give Gail a hard time.
But, I still will.

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