There will be lots of posts this week about New Year’s resolutions and relevant things like that, but being one to buck SEO, I’m going with a post about Suze Orman. You see, I have a habit of writing about topics that aren’t at the top of the relevant list. Trending on Twitter? Ain’t gonna write about it. Number one topic searched for by Google? Won’t touch it. Topics people really care about? No interest in putting my spin on it. I think I have this deep down desire to sabotage my blog.
And, so, I say again…SUZE. I’m writing about Suze. Not just Suze, though. Suze and her collars.
Suze rocks the collars. She rocks ’em and she rocks ’em good. I figured that we could all use some fashion inspiration from time to time and who better to inspire than Suze with her collars? Just like I buck the system when it comes to SEO, Suze bucks the fashionistas when it comes to collars being out or in. You might think turned up collars went away with the shoulder pads, but Suze isn’t having any of it. If Suze with her millions wants to wear turned up collars, SHE WILL, DINGDANGIT! She knows Oprah! Anyone who knows Oprah personally can do whatever they want with collars! That’s just the way it is!
Thus, I present to you…
#1 When it comes to collars, don’t be afraid of shiny material. The more reflective the material, the more people can appreciate your collar. The goal is to always make people appreciate (read: be jealous of) your collar.
#2 Give that extra kick to the back of your collar when posing for pictures. What is the point in wearing a collar like a boss if you are not going to give that back piece some extra oomph? Wear that collar like you mean it! If you pose for pictures, MAKE SURE IT IS VISIBLE! There is no need in giving that fabric the extra attention and then hiding it in the picture. It makes no sense, friend.
#3 The best collars are always gigantic and leather. Along with being good with money and stuff, this is the one other message that Suze wants to convey to you. If it doesn’t look like you can take off in flight across the sky at any given moment once you try it on, put it back on the rack. That collar is too small.
#4 Collars also work great on bathing suits. We have embraced collar-less bathing suits for far too long. Both Suze and I are here to tell you that it is high-time that collars get plopped on your swim wear. How else are you supposed to look classy, powerful and in control at the beach? Don’t think of all the opportunities you have missed as a result. It’s just too depressing! Change your swimwear life starting today!
#5 Go gold or go home. Who better to spread the “go gold or go home” message than Suze? Oprah. Okay, who besides Oprah? No one. Suze is here to show you that gold is where it’s at when it comes to collar accents. If you have found yourself with your jean jacket clutched in your fists agonizing for the perfect accent fabric for the top of your jean jacket collar in the middle of an aisle at JoAnn Fabrics, agonize no more. Gold. Go with gold.
#6 How do you do the muumuu that you do? WITH A COLLAR. (That question is a reference to Salt ‘n Pepa’s 1993 song “Shoop”, of course.) How does Suze do the muumuu? She collarizes the mother. Put a collar on a muumuu, slap some heels on your feet and you’re ready for a job interview. No one is more of an advocate for jobs and making money and fluffing up that nest egg than Suze. And a collar is how you get that job.
#7 The seventh way to rock that collar is to rock it like INSPECTOR SUZE. Go, Suze, go! Duddaduddudduduh-duddaduh. Go, Suze, go! I’m thinking that Ms. Orman doesn’t know Inspector Gadget, but they definitely have a lot in common. They both have lots of ways to help you get out of bad situations, amirite?
#8 Find a cleaners that specializes in precise collar ironing. You can’t fan out your collar just so if your cleaners goes nutso with the spray starch. Yet, if they don’t douse it in enough, it will fall all limp-like and stuff and you’ll look frumpy. If you don’t find “CLEANERS FOR COLLARS” in your local whitepages.com, then just print this picture of Suze and her perfect collar out to show all your potential cleaners people. Don’t get this wrong. Don’t mess up the chance to wear the perfect collar.
#9 Tank tops aren’t immune. Suze loves her collars so much, she even wears them on tank tops. And why not? You know gyms draw all sorts of people- including potential employers! Treadmill time is no time to look frumpy when Mr. Owner Of Lotsa Businesses is exercising right next to you. Be ready at all times to change your future!
#10 If you want an instant confidence booster, get yourself into a collar. There’s an old saying, “The larger the collar, the more confident and richer and famous the person” and I don’t think that applies to anyone better than it does to Suze Orman. And now you. I’m sure of it. Try out the collar for a solid six months ON ALL OUTFITS and report back to me at the end. If you don’t have six times the money in your bank account by that time, I’ll cut the collar off all of my shirts, my husband’s shirts, my neighbor’s shirts, my parents’ shirts, my kids’ shirts and my grandmother’s shirts. And his shirts over there. And the mailman’s shirts.
LONG LIVE THE GIGANTIC COLLAR!