It’s not Warm Vanilla Sugar Cookie Sprinkles or Cinnamon and Spice and Whatnot or Ocean Breeze. No, ma’am and no, sir. I think the Yankees up there working at the Yankee Candle Company have got all of those more than covered. Those Yankees, who, by the way, have infiltrated the south with their candles and are everywhere you look! They even have their own storefronts way down here in Texas AND THEY’RE EVEN IN CRACKER BARREL!!!
|I’ve yet to find a barrel of crackers there. Source|
(Please don’t tell me Cracker Barrels exists up north. They play country music inside them, for goodness sakes. People up north don’t like country music, right? People up north don’t know any Kenny Rogers or Crystal Gayle or Dolly Parton or Kenny Chesney songs, right? Please don’t shake my worldview.)
(I just checked and Cracker Barrel DOES exist up north. Delaware even has one!!! WHAT?! Do they play country music in the Cracker Barrel in DELAWARE???)
(I once left my purse at a Cracker Barrel in Florida on a roadtrip back to Texas when I was a teenager. They mailed it back to me. I heart you, Cracker Barrel. I heart you and those checkers. And those biscuits. Also those rocking chairs, but mostly those biscuits. And your honesty.)
(With all of these parentheses, I’m feeling a bit like Megan from Best of Fates, who you should totally check out. She always makes me laugh.)
Okay, anyway, we were talking about the Yankees, right? The Yankees and those candles they make? Well, none of those scents would be made in MY candle factory. Also, my candles would be REAL CANDLES. None of that Scentsy business. No, my candles will be lit with a match or a blowtorch. Careful with the blowtorch, though. That could melt your hand right off.
The scents at MY candle factory wouldn’t be able to be found at any other location in person or on-line, either, because, well, they’re a little risky. Who wants to make tons of candles that no one buys?? I’m not worried about it, though. If no one wants to buy my candle scents, well, I’ll just have plenty to burn from now until I kick the bucket. (Fingers crossed they let you bring in your own candles to the nursing home and allow matches. I bet they don’t allow matches. Dang it.)
|You may have a million candle scents, BUT YE AIN’T GOT MAHN, YOU *YANKEES!! Source|
Here they are:
This is not only the fragrant smell of reams of paper, much like you might catch when walking through Barnes & Noble, there is also a hint of a hot laminating machine mixed in it. If I told you what exactly made up the mysterious aroma of the Office Depot candle, well, I’d give away my secrets and the pathway to the millions I will make with these candles. My next set of candles will include a Barnes & Noble scent, which is much like Office Depot, except take away the laminating machine scent and add coffee.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmmmmm… Nothing quite as intoxicating as the smell of a crayon, now is there? Peel that paper back and take a good long whiff. When I was younger, I babysat for a family that drove a BMW with leather seats. I promise you that those leather seats in that BMW smelled like crayons. I never wanted to get out of that car. They thought it was because I liked babysitting for their kids, but that wasn’t it, folks. The smell of crayons. That was what kept me coming back for my $2 an hour.
Although not much makes me crazier than a gas pump that won’t spit the gas in my tank fast, sometimes I actually don’t mind a mutant gas tank. It allows me to stand outside of my car and inhale that lovely scent. I know I’m not the only one who is tempted to dab a little gasoline on my wrists and behind my ears. Who’s with me?
The hair salon and all of its shampoos, conditioners and coloring chemicals is just about irresistible. I’m sometimes tempted to walk into a SuperCuts while yelling, “TRAIN ME! I’M READY!” just so I can enjoy the fragrances day in and day out. If it weren’t for my past experiences butchering my own bangs, I might do it. I just don’t want to risk ruining someone’s entire life with my scissors.
You like this one, too, right? It makes you feel like your car is fresh and really far from ever having any expensive repairs. New car is awfully close to New House, a candle I will roll out the next time around, but not quite the same. Only the trained nose can really distinguish between the two. I have feeling you can.
I’m not talking about huffing paint now. Please don’t imagine me with silver paint all around my nose and cheeks. I do like the smell of Fresh Paint, though. Fresh Paint and New House actually smell a lot alike, except New House has a hint of New Carpet mixed in it. These little nuances matter in my candle factory.
I remember a boy named Steven who sat in the first seat of my row in second grade, which would’ve been around 1982. When he got the stack of papers to pass back, he’d hold the warm papers in his hands and just bury his nose in them to smell that purple ink. My teacher was always saying, “PASS THOSE PAPERS BACK, STEVEN! STOP SMELLING THEM ALREADY!” I don’t blame him. That stuffed smelled delicious. Give me a bite of that stack of addition worksheets.
Okay, since I added the mimeograph scent, I am adding one more. Rubbing alcohol. It reminds me of my mom cleaning my ears when the hole from my pierced ear got infected. I would lay my head on her lap and just let her clean my ear with a cotton ball and rubbing alcohol. It made me feel loved. Rubbing Alcohol candle might be my favorite one yet.
*I really have nothing against Yankees. I sometimes just like to impersonate a redneck.
**This was originally published on my blog a year or so ago. No hard feelings?