I have partnered with STI and Kia to put this post together, however, my SUV has not. I decided to not edit any of his words. He’s bitter enough as it is…
Dear Mr. Fancy Pants 2014 Kia Sorento,
Who do you think you are, huh? You think you can roll right in here and take my family from you, do you? That night in the driveway you bragged that you were given to my owners for a week so that they could learn what it was like to drive a real car. Well, I’ll tell you what. I AM REAL. I’ve got wheels! I’ve got leather seats! I’ve got a radio! I’M A REAL CAR!
|This is me and guess what? I LOVE ME! (Well, this isn’t really me. It’s a relative from Oklahoma that looks a lot like me.) Source|
Despite the confidence I have in myself, I still get a little uneasy that my family will want to leave me for you. I’ll admit it. Besides loving your color (we have that in common!), I thought you looked pretty sleek. We sort of look alike, but you look better. You do, you do. I am a big enough vehicle to admit it. I still don’t think you are better than me, though. Tell me…do you have a rogue fry under your third row? I DIDN’T THINK SO!
It made me very uncomfortable the other day when I saw everyone staring at your little clever window cover things. You do a great job at providing shade, something I can’t do without my windows being tinted. On top of that, you provided my owner’s sons something fun to do as they rode along in your seats. They’d snap the window cover up and down, up and down, up and down. I know this because I heard my owner yelling “STOP MESSING WITH THOSE WINDOW SHADES!” from about a mile away one day.
|My owner captioned this one. She said she loves white SUV’s, but she clearly loves you more. You see that she didn’t take any close-up pictures of me. Just pictures of you and your show-off retractable window shades.|
I try not to be threatened by you, because, of course, I do have a sunroof. You are not the only one that has a sunroof!! You sat there in that driveway like you practically owned the market on sunroofs. If you had been taller, you would have seen that I also have a sunroof!! I HAVE ONE, TOO!
Hold on, now! This is my letter! Who went and stuck that picture in there??
Did my owner take this picture?
Did she actually write “my favorite part”?
Did she think of the word “favorite” or did someone else write that?
Oh, this hurts, man. It hurts bad. It is clear to me that my owner was in love with the double sunroof that practically takes up the entire roof, except for that small part in the middle. She clearly loves it. If I’m being honest with myself, I know her sons do, too. I overheard them talking about it as soon as they saw it. They really, really loved it.
Why am I doing this to myself? It’s clear I can’t compete. I don’t have heated AND air-conditioned seats like this 2013 Kia Sorento has all up in her grill. I don’t have black leather seats, cute wheels, a suede-like headliner, cup holders everywhere, a back-up camera, a fancy computer screen with all the music I could pack into it and on and on and on.
She wants you.
She wants you bad.
I know because I saw her looking sadly in your direction as you were driven off. It was like she didn’t even realize I was there, too. I was all, “HELLO! REMEMBER YOUR OLD, RELIABLE DRIVING BUDDY?” It hurt right here in the ticker. My spirits were lifted up when she began to walk my way. I thought she was going to give me a hug or something. Instead, she mumbled “at least you’re free” toward my direction as she somberly walked back into the house.
So, I win.
Vera the 2008 Hyundai Veracruz