The Conversation Game: Why My Husband Always Wins

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Currently, my husband works full-time and I don’t. I work a few hours a week on an “as needed” basis at a local hospital. I will kick that up a notch when the boys go to school this fall, but, for now, I only work a little bit. Still, I manage to find things of interest to share with him. I can go to the grocery store and find a story out of that. The cleaners, even.

My husband?

He can’t.

Or, he won’t.

I mean, he talks about other things. Don’t even get him started about political things or the latest news. He can talk about that. When it comes to work, though, he’s not real chatty. “It’s just not that exciting, Kelley,” he’ll say to me. I don’t believe it.  Just because he says that doesn’t stop me from trying to find out what happens during his work day. I know there has got to be something worthwhile to share.

Our conversations typically go like this when it comes to that subject:

“So, how was your day at work?”

“It was fine.”

“Anything exciting happen?”

“No.”

“Nobody got fired?”

“No. If something exciting happens, I’ll tell you.”

“Anything un-exciting happen?”

“Kelley.” (This is followed by that look.)

At this point, my resolve strengthens to find something for him to share and his strengthens to keep giving me one-word answers while he is looking at his iPad or something. It’s sort of a game.

“Did Bob come sit at your desk for a long time?”

“No.”

“Is he still married?”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever seen his wife?”

“No.”

“Did he talk real loudly on his phone and you heard everything he said from the next office over?”

“No.”

“Is Tom’s wife still buying all sorts of things with his money?”

“Probably.”

“Did you see Cheryl while you were getting coffee?”

“No.”

“Did you shut your door but then someone opened it without knocking?”

“Yes.”

“Was it anybody’s birthday today?”

“Yes.”

“Did you sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to them?”

“No.”

“Did you get cake?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you think you should’ve sang the song to them to deserve the cake?”

“No.”

“Did you pretend you were on the phone again so you could get out of singing Happy Birthday for the 30th time this week?”

“No.”

“Is that wall near the bathroom still painted green?”

“No.”

“They painted it?”

“Yes.”

“Did they paint it green?”

“No.”

“Not even a shade of green?”

“No.”

“Not even mint green?”

“No.”

“Or Kelley green? That would be an awesome color.”

“No.”

“Not army green?”

“No.”

“How about brown?”

“No.”

“Did you cut yourself on any paper today?”

“No.”

“With scissors?”

“No.”

“Stapler?”

“No.”

“Toilet paper roll?”

“No.”

“Did you go get Subway for lunch again?”

“No.”

“Japanese?”

“No.”

“Chinese?”

“No.”

“Italian?”

“No.”

“My Fit Foods?”

“Yes.”

“Did you get to push the numbers on the elevator or did someone get to them first?”

“Me.”

“Were you happy about that?”

“No.”

“It doesn’t make you happy and give you a sense of accomplishment when you get to the elevator buttons first? You don’t feel like you could conquer the world after that?”

“No.”

“Did anyone fart in the elevator?”

“No.”

“Did it rain downtown today?”

“No.”

“Hail?”

“No.”

“Snow?”

“No.”

“Sandstorm?”

“No.”

“Did you trip in front of anyone today?”

“No.”

“Burp in front of anyone?”

“No.”

“Hiccup?”

“No.”

“Fart?”

“No.”

“Come on. You probably did. You didn’t?”

“No.”

“Did you hear anyone humming while they were making copies?”

“No.”

“Do you hum?”

“NO.”

“Want to hear me hum?”

“No.”

“Want to play ‘Name That Tune’ right now? I’ll hum first?”

“No.”

“Do you ever play ‘Name That Tune’ at work?”

“No.”

“Chutes ‘n Ladders?”

“No.”

“Parcheesi?”

“No.”

“Clue?”

“No.”

“Monopoly. Well, probably not Monopoly. That would take too long. How about spades?”

“No.”

“Did anyone offer you a piece of gum today?”

“Yes.”

“Was it good gum?”

“Yes.”

“Then I guess it wasn’t Bazooka Gum, right? Bazooka Gum is just the most awful thing ever. Was it Bazooka?”

“No.”

“Don’t you just, like, HATE Bazooka?”

“No.”

“You should. It’s bad. It’s like chewing a sugary rock that finally gives at just about the same time it loses it’s flavor all in less than 6 seconds. Do you hate Bazooka gum now?”

“No.”

“Did you have to give anyone a tour of the office today?”

“No.”

“Does that one older lady still call you ‘sugar’?”

“No.”

“Is your desk still in your office?”

“Yes.”

“Is my picture still shoved into the drawer?”

“No.”

“Do you still have those boxes stacked near the window?”

“Yes.”

“Do you still sit in a chair?”

“Yes.”

“Does it spin around?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have butterscotch candies on your desk?”

“Yes.”

“Are they yellow?”

“Yes.”

“Are they in wrappers?”

“Yes.”

“Are they in a bowl?”

“Yes.”

“Do you still type on a computer?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you wish you could type as fast as me?”

“No.”

“Are you ever going to stop answering my questions?”

“No.”

He’s one stubborn little fart, that husband of mine. He always wins.

He always wins because he’s more stubborn than me.

And I love it.

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