I’d never send those to letters anyone in the mail.
Actually, I might, just to be annoying.
I was inspired to think of letters I wouldn’t send after reading some of Abby Has Issues’ letters that she wouldn’t send. I included several of hers below my letter. You following me?
|Doesn’t Abby look super elegant smoking that asparagus?|
So, here’s mine.
To the Lady Who Carries Around A Basket of Hot Rolls at the Local Barbecue Restaurant And Offers Them To People All The Night Long: You are really starting to hurt my feelings, lady! Don’t you recognize my face? Do I just blend in with the rest of the world? Are you trying to tell me that I am just another person??? You must be, because, I swear if you recognized me, you would realize that you have now offered me at least 20 rolls. If you do recognize me but still are offering me 20 rolls, that hurts my feelings even more. Do I look like a person who can eat 20 rolls? I know they’re “HOT, FRESH ROLLS!!”, but I can only eat one or two. Is your thought process, “Hey, that lady looks like she can handle her rolls. Let me see if she wants 30 more.” I CAN’T EAT ALL OF THOSE ROLLS, WOMAN! Maybe you guys should implement the flag raising thing that Pancho’s Mexican Buffet uses. When people want more sopapillas, they raise the Mexican flag in the middle of the table. You could do the same thing, but with the Texas flag. Genius, right? Well, anyway, I can’t eat that many rolls. Next time, I’ll be sure to wear a hot pink wig so I will stand out a little better.
And here are Abby’s letters:
To the Man at the Dollar Store who kept asking his wife how much something costs: It’s $1. Everything is $1. Beware, as your wife looks annoyed and might just throw a dull off-brand pair of kitchen shears into the cart. Sleep with one eye open. And to your wife? Take a deep breath and count to 10. Thousand.
To commercials targeted at women: While I understand the marketing idea behind making everyday situations appear a million times more exciting than they actually are, most of us are not fooled into thinking that using a whitening toothpaste will in fact make our teeth so white that our smile could land a husband or a small aircraft or that wiping up spills with extra-absorbent paper towel makes us want to sing. I also don’t invite friends over to watch me dance with a miracle mop and then eat the yogurt you pimp out that the reaction of women in commercials would have me believe contains orgasmic properties and not just probiotics. As for expressing my individuality, I don’t need to do it through pink pens or feminine hygiene products packaged in bright colors with cool patterns, but thank you for the suggestion.
To the sock that falls out of the laundry basket as I’m walking up the stairs: You might not think this is a big deal and that you deserve some “alone” time away from the crowd, but you have to understand the implications of your escape.
As I bend down to pick you up—basket full of laundry in my arms—it’s inevitable that at least two other items from the basket will also jump ship. I also have to pick up a towel and/or a dishcloth that has fallen while I’m down there to pick you up and the cycle just goes on and on.
You can see how distressing this is, and quite honestly, your behavior gives me reason to believe that you are why the divorce rate of my socks is increasing. Let’s work on this, little buddy.
To the cashier who said, “Enjoy your evening!” as I left the store carrying my box of Q-tips and a bottle of oven cleaner: I think it goes without saying that I’ll do just that.
Isn’t Abby THE BEST?
She cracks me up on a regular basis. Her sense of humor is just so very, very good. I really appreciate humor like hers, because it’s genuine, it’s quirky, it’s unique and it’s not predictable. It’s just funny.
Abby is like gold.
She’s like a block of gold with fingers and a typewriter, actually, because she’s written another book! It’s a compilation of some of her funniest stuff. Reading the titles alone will bring a smile to your face: Cart Corral Corruptors, Exclusive Interview: Vanilla Ice and So You Joined A Gym. I have her last book Abby Has Issues and, of course, love her second one, Abby STILL Has Issues. It will make you laugh and smile all the way through!
You know what?
Actually, Abby is like a block of gold holding a piece of chocolate because ONE of the commenters on this post will get a copy of her newest book. Oh, Abby, you generous little brick of gold that holds chocolate!
Talk to us.
Or share a letter you wouldn’t send.