5 CliffsNotes My Husband Wishes Existed

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It’s common knowledge that most women talk more than most men. I have friends whose husbands talk as much as most women, but my man is not like them. This is painfully clear when we have a simple conversation about, well, anything at all.

Let’s just take, let’s say, laundry detergent, for example.

Him: “What kind of laundry detergent are you using?”

Me: “Well, I was using All, but then I asked my mom what kind of detergent they were using at their house, because every time she washes one of the boys’ shirts, it smells so goooood, you know? I love when she washes their clothes when they spend the night over there. I wanted to know what kind of detergent they used, but I had to make sure it was the kind of ‘HE’ printed on the side, so I asked and…”

Him: “Kelley, it’s really simple. You just tell me the name of the detergent.”

Me: “I was getting there! It’s so rude for you to cut me off right in the middle of my sentence. I was telling you the story behind the detergent.”

Him: “Yeah, but I don’t need a story, I just need to know the name of the detergent.”

Me: “Well, it’s TIDE! So, there. TIDE! Got it now? Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide.”

Him: “Thank you. That’s all I wanted to know.”

Me: “Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide. Tide…”

I swear if I didn’t have other responsibilities and the need for sleep, iced tea with just the right amount of sugar and a good bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I would stand there repeating “Tide” the entire day long.

Seriously, there is a variation of this same exact conversation at least once a day and has been for the 13 1/2 years of our marriage and the 4 years we were together before that.

I get that sometimes one-word answers is all that is needed, but sometimes I have a story to tell, you know? WHY DOES HE THINK I WRITE THIS FRICKEN-FRACKEN BLOG?

So, of course, I laughed out loud at this tweet last night:

@CYComedy: Cliff Notes, but for when my wife wants to tell me about her day at work.


It’s as if my husband is @CYComedy. (He totally isn’t. For one thing, I just began following @CYComedy last night and I’ve been following my husband for years…from one room to the next asking him if he noticed that I got my hair cut. He only notices if, say, my hair was previously down to my knee caps and then, after the cut, it’s a few centimeters below my ear lobes. If it’s anything less drastic than that, he usually can’t tell.)

There are all sorts of *CliffsNotes my husband would a) like to write, b) buy if someone else wrote and c) **Who’s Cliff?

(*Please have mercy and use the “s” after Cliff.)

(**I’d Google that but I want you do it instead. Pretty please?)

Here are just a few CliffsNotes he wishes existed:

and…
 
 
and also…
 

 
and don’t forget…
 

and, of course,…

Yes, if these CliffNotes actually existed, but husband would buy them all up. He would, he would, he would. He would probably call the CliffsNotes hotline and ask them when more were coming out on a daily basis. Since CliffsNotes doesn’t get into that sort of thing, he gets to continue listening to my explanations. I guess since it’s Father’s Day weekend, I will try to shorten them up here and there, but only if by shortening them up I am not leaving out really important details that I feel he needs to know. If I didn’t feel like he needed to know that information, I wouldn’t mention it, would I? It’s important that I mention the color of the girl’s shirt if I mention the color of the girl’s shirt because this is something that I will bring up later in the conversation possibly. It is a critical piece of information! Does he think I just talk for my health? Does he think that, by saying so many words a day, my life is lengthened? Does he not realize that I want him to know these things? That he needs to know these things? That he…

Why are you crying?

What are YOUR CliffsNotes suggestions for someone in your life or do you keep it short and sweet all the time and make me look bad? (I made that question long on purpose.)


 



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