Top 9 Funny Parenting Tips- The Education Version

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You don’t think I’m going to give you parenting tips, right? Parenting tips about education? No, no, no, no, sir. No, sir. The only parenting tip I have is to master the art of clicking the unlock button on your car super fast while simultaneously opening your child’s door before the little stinker locks his door again when you tell him he needs to get out of the car right NOW. That’s all I got. No, what I’m doing here is providing a little introduction to a very talented, very funny and very popular person/blogger/teacher named Leanne Shirtliffe, the blogger behind Ironic Mom, who will be passing on the funny, funny tips.

This is her! This is Leanne!

Here’s her official bio:

Leanne Shirtliffe is the author of DON’T LICK THE MINIVAN: Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Kids. She’s also the mother of tween twins, a phrase that’s hard to say after two glasses of wine. She writes for the Huffington Post and Nickelodeon’s NickMom.com and has been published by The Christian Science Monitor, The Calgary Herald, and The Globe and Mail. When she’s not wasting brain cells tweeting, she teaches teens who are slightly less hormonal than she is. She lives in Calgary because she likes complaining about the weather.

There are a few reasons for this introduction.

The first is because, well, the world needs more Leanne. She’s smart, well-written and has a great sense of humor. She is a fellow writer for NickMom. I am pretty sure we started writing for them around the same time, which was quite some time ago now. I remember seeing her picture and thinking, “I’d like to know that Leanne. She’s, like, super funny.”

The second reason is because she *just* released her book Don’t Lick The Minivan yesterday! Last night, she hosted the Twitter part #dontlicktheminivan and it was trending, which was exciting. She sent a copy to me a few months ago and I loved it. She had lots of relatable and hilarious stories about her husband, family and twins. I also loved her stories about life in Bangkok. BANGKOK. She lived there and had babies there and stuff. Reading about life there is reason enough to buy the book!

My favorite part of the book, however, has got to be on page 15 when pregnant-with-twins Leanne, who had a waist size almost a foot bigger than her pre-pregnancy days, said she was a “walking Astrodome”. She mentioned the Astrodome! She mentioned Texas! She mentioned my home! Oh, man, it’s like I was in the book myself. A Kelley cameo, so to speak.

 And you know I’m giving one away after this post…

 

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Top 9 Funny Parenting Tips- The Education Version

I’m a teacher. Ergo I should know how to raise kids
and use big words like “ergo.” Ergo, I don’t. In fact, in my experience,
teachers’ kids usually behave like little sh*ts, likely because by the time
their parents get home they’re so sick of disciplining they can’t be arsed to
set boundaries for their own spawn.

Having said that, I’m still a teacher, which means
I have lots of opinions. Here then is the “educational” version of the Top 9
Funny Parenting Tips:

  • Before placing your children in sports activities, consider their genetic limitations. Blame your spouse for any shortfalls.

  • Placing hanging toys over your baby’s car seat will help her score 6423 on her SATs.

  • Anatomically correct dolls will help your children to differentiate moles from nipples, and armpits from butts.

  • When people ask you stupid questions about your children, it is your right and responsibility to give them stupid answers.

  • Stating the obvious to your children is a gentle introduction to the art of sarcasm.

  • Accept that all dinosaur names sound like diseases. Then bookmark the Wikipedia page so your children don’t think you’re abnormally stupid.

  • Encouraging your children to gossip about their classmates will make you feel better about your own parenting skills.

  • As long as your child isn’t the worst in his class, he will succeed. If he is the worst, drink more wine.

  • Paying other people to teach your children things you’re more than capable of is a perfectly acceptable middle class folly.

What tips have you
found useful for surviving the school years and the extracurricular activities?

______________________

 

You want a copy of her book, right? If you were closer to me, I’d totally let you borrow mine. You would probably want one of your own, though, so you can read over and over again all about how the neighborhood kids took home skin rashes at a birthday once because she applied secondhand face paint. That’s good stuff.

You can buy her book here. Know that the money will go to support her children’s therapy. Or her own. 

If you are interested in possibly receiving a FREE copy, just leave a comment below telling us if you have ever licked a minivan (or anything else you want). I will pick a winner on Monday!


Are we friends on Facebook and Twitter yet? No? Let’s change that!




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