You asked, I answered. (Part TWO)


Last week, I put up an “ask me anything” status update on the Kelley’s Break Room Facebook page. It took me longer than I had planned, but I answered the first half of the questions on Tuesday and am now answering the other half today. If you care to find out if I write anything ahead, posts or tweets, whether or not I’ve swallowed a lady bug and what my off-limit blogging topics might be, you can check out that post here.

Let’s get this party started.
#1 Jane asked: Do you get paid for what you write, and, if so…how much ?!?
Me:Listen to you, Jane! Kidding. I always want to know the same thing. Do I get paid for what I write? Well, for most of the stuff, no. I do get paid to write what I do for NickMom. For my actual blog, no, I don’t get paid. The advertisements I have up hardly bring in anything. To be honest, if it did, I wouldn’t know. I very rarely check! I got paid to write the sponsored posts for Bravo’s Top Chef, but not every single one of them. The purse dump pictures I have on Facebook bring in a little extra money. If I were to add it all up during the year, I could probably pay for a little weekend away with it but not much else. Writing the blog has turned into other opportunities to write elsewhere, like in the book I Just Want To Pee Alone and possibly in another upcoming anthology. Those aren’t going to make me rich, either! I basically write for the fun of it! The side income I make from it is not huge. Trust me! (Or just ask my husband.)
#2 Kristi asked: What color am I wearing right now?
Me:When you asked that question, you didn’t realize that I was actually a gifted fortune teller, did you? So ironic! The color you are wearing, of course, is sadlfkajsf. Oops! My computer keyboard malfunctioned for a second. Let me try that again. You are wearing asdfkasl. Ack! I hate this keyboard! One more time! YOU ARE WEARING ASGKDFAJSDK. Forget it. *Throws her computer through the office window* 
#3: Kristin asked: How do you deal with it when you get haters and trolls on your site?
Me:You know, I don’t really get too many haters and trolls on the site, surprisingly. I think it’s because, as I mentioned in my first Q&A, I steer clear from controversial topics. Mostly what I get are comments from people I know, mostly guys, that will say things like, “Just when I thought your tweets couldn’t get any worse” or “Not funny.” Things like that. What I love about that, though, is that THEY’RE READING IT. They haven’t unfollowed me, they haven’t blocked me, etc., so I’m thinking that they at least find most of the stuff somewhat amusing. How do I deal with it? I usually jump back with something sarcastic. I have always sparred (in a joking way) with my friends’ husbands or former guy classmates who will pop off about something I say. I can hold my own.
#4: Ninja Mom asked: Tell me about your favorite puns of all time. Bad knock knock jokes also count.
Me: One of the reasons I love Twitter is because of all of the really funny one-liners, which many times involve a pun. I LOVE using Favstar to star funny tweets, hand out trophies and find really funny tweeters. Let me share some of my favorite tweets that I have “trophied” to answer your question:
*@DanOverHere: My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
@CBrwnz: Want to open a Middle-Eastern-themed restaurant just to hear the uproarious laughter when I tell the customers everything is ALLAH-carte!

*@vxlk: “That gash looks pretty deep. Maybe you should get it stitched up.”

“I don’t want to… I hate goin to hospitals.”

“Fine; suture self.”

@DepecheALAmode: Have there been any Christian rappers? If so, please tell me that they call their genre “Hip-Hope”
This has got to be my favorite tweet ever and it’s not a pun: @mattiebatslayer

Additionally, my sandwich shop would have the Hulk Hogan Hoagie, which might be nothing but yellow cornbread, cheese and mustard.
(I don’t know why, but I love it long time.)

*I can’t find their accounts anymore on Twitter. 🙁
#5: Jesse asked: What kind of music do you listen to?
Me:I listen to all types of music, which I’m sure is true for most of us. I have an iPod with great 80s and 90s music on it, but do you think I ever hook it up anywhere ever? No. When I turn on the radio, I will listen to the Top 40 sort of stuff for a while. I might then turn it to the Hip Hop station. (Remember, I know every word to Warren G’s ’92 album, G-Funk Era.) I will then find my way to the Country Oldies station, because I’m a sucker for some Judds, Trisha Yearwood, old Garth Brooks, George Strait, Restless Heart, Ronnie Milsap… I could go on, but I’ll stop. I am ALWAYS searching, though, for “Whatchu Doin’ At The Courthouse?” I laugh out loud every. single. time.
#6: Vennita Sparkles asked: What exactly is it that you do? I like your posts and such, just not clear on what you DO.
Me:I’m glad you asked, because I’m going to print this out and show it to my husband later. He probably wonders the same thing. Okay, I have a part-time job at a local hospital where I work as a speech pathologist. I work there anywhere from 3-10 hours a week. My main role is to assess/treat adults with swallowing disorders. My almost 5-year-old is in preschool a few days a week from 9:30 to 2:30 and my 8 1/2-year-old is in the second grade (October birthday). I will step up the workload next year when my younger son is in Kindergarten. When I’m home, I write things like this post right here, posts for NickMom, work on my handy dandy purse pictures and do the million other things that always need to be done every single day away from the computer.
#7 Lyndsey asked a few things:
What’s your favorite color?
Me:Well, it depends. If I am staring at a gumball machine, my favorite color is pink. (That gum tastes like Pepto Bismol.) If I am staring at shirts in my closet, hmmm…blue? I don’t know. I really like the orange and blue on this blog. It reminds me of creamsicles and turquoise.
Your guilty pleasures?
Me:Us magazine. I know. What a waste of time. Sometimes I read it and think, “I DON’T CARE WHAT DINGDANG SHOES KHLOE KARDASHIAN IS WEARING!” but then I keep reading. I’ll compulsively read an article about Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth and think, “BUT I DON’T EVEN CARE! WHY AM I READING THIS DING. DANG. ARTICLE?” and continue to read. Another guilty pleasure is The First 48. I don’t know why, but I love watching that show. I don’t want people to get hurt, of course, but…I get all into it. If I ever saw one of those detectives on the street and didn’t have any paper, I’d ask them to sign my right shoulder.
What were your dreams of as a child, as in, what did you want to become as an adult? (She wanted to be a superstar softball player.)
Me:Tour guide. I was constantly playing “tour guide”. I love going on tours of anything and one day, by stankin’ golly, I WILL GIVE TOURS. I used to pull my cocker spaniel around our above ground pool and give her a tour called “Shark Encounters”. She’d pay really close attention to everything I told her about hammerheads, the great whites, etc., but she never asked a question. I want to give tours where people ask questions. I also wanted to be a news anchor or an author. I was quite obsessed with reading and still have all of my Sweet Valley High and Babysitter Club books. The mention of the news anchor bit actually reminded me that Ron Burgundy is about to hit the big screens again. “The human torch had trouble getting a bank loan” is my favorite Ron quote. I hope he says that again.
What personality do you have hidden inside that you are too scared to let out or perhaps just never was able to put into action? (She referenced people like Gwen Stefani, Pink or 70s Cher.)
Me:It is interesting that you mentioned Gwen Stefani and Pink, because I have been to both of their concerts. I do think I have a little Gwenny and Alicia in me. If you told me that I’m actually NOT Gwen or Pink while I’m singing along to their CDs in the car, I’d screech to a halt and make you get out. “GET OUT THIS SECOND! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT TYPE OF DISRESPECT!” is what I would probably say to you. I’d feel bad a few seconds later, beg you to get back in the car and then treat you to an Orange Julius. I don’t think I have any personalities hidden inside me, really. They’re pretty much out there. I do think I would have loved to have tried improv comedy or comedy teams when I was younger. It is likely that I would have failed miserably, but it would have been really awesome to try, I think. I have been to Second City in Chicago and have watched other live improv shows. I am always so impressed!
So, that’s it.
That’s all I’ve got.


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