Last Wednesday, I thought it would be fun to see if any of you had questions that you’d like for me to answer. I was expecting serious questions about whatever and less serious questions like Brad’s question, “How many mites are in the average mattress?”
I laughed out loud as I read the questions that day.
Laughed and had a few deep thoughts.
So, today, almost a week later, I answer the questions. It’s not that I am trying to keep anyone in suspense because I realize no one gives a flea’s ear lobe what my answers are to these questions. No, it’s just because, you know, life and how it gets busy sometimes.
So…here are they answers to 10 of the questions that were asked. I’ll answer the next 10 soon!
#1 Monet: “What is the most surprising response(s) from your friend(s) regarding your FB/blog that you have received?”
*Me: That they read it at all. I know some of my friends read it, but when I hear of others that read it from time to time, like friends that I haven’t paid, I’m always surprised. I’m actually surprised that anyone reads it. You sitting right in front of these words right now? I’m surprised you’re here.
#2 Bryan: “Who are you?”
Me: Pippy Longstocking’s half cousin twice removed.
#3 Anna: “What are your off-limit blogging topics?”
Me: I try to stay away from controversial topics. I have definite opinions about politics, faith, etc., but I don’t want to get into it here. When I was in college, I got into it. I got into it in Government class, I got into it in Art History class and I decided I don’t want to get into it here. When I say “got into it”, I only mean that I held my opponent in a headlock and shaved his or her head until he or she said that I was right. Nothing too serious! I knew you guys were worried!
#4 Melissa: “You have very clever and funny tweets. What inspires your tweets? Do you have any saved in drafts to use for later?”
Me: Girrrrrrrrrrrl, no. I don’t have any saved in my drafts folder. I always wish I did. I wish that I could think ahead and come up with some good stuff to save, but, no…nothing. I tend not to think my tweets through very hard. This is obvious by the really bad ones I write, which account for about 90% of them. (Just ask @taylormay.) I am glad you find them very clever and funny! THAT inspires me to keep writing ridiculous observations in the hopes that someone finds it amusing. Seriously, the inspiration for a tweet usually comes out of nowhere and is, therefore, completely unpredictable. I’ll be sitting at a light and think, “I NEED TO TWEET THAT MESS.” If I let a moment pass, I won’t tweet it. I tweet it when I think it. Immediately.
#5 Brad: “Do you know how many mites are in the average mattress?”
Me: Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!! Oh, Brad, Brad, Brad. You guys, Brad and I used to work together. He cracks me up. In this case, he’s making me nauseous. Have you ever heard that mattress commercial that says, “After 8 years, your mattress practically doubles in weight from dead skin,
sweat, and millions of dust mites.” There is another one that says, “It
is estimated that up to 20% of a mattress’s weight after 5-7 years of use is
dust mite and dust mite fecal matter.” AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This is scaring me because a) it is disgusting and b) it is making me remember the time I let the Kirby vacuum cleaner salespeople in that were in my house for THREE hours. (They still don’t top the water treatment lady who was in our house for FIVE hours.) They showed me a video about dust mites that was supposedly shown on Oprah. They vacuumed the mattress. They did this, they did that. (I didn’t buy the vacuum. Or the water treatment system.) So, Brad, I guess the answer to your questions is MILLIONS???
#6 Tracy: “Have you ever swallowed a ladybug?”
Me: Tracy HAS swallowed a ladybug, but me? No. Not a ladybug. You know I want to hear your story, though, Tracy! How did that happen? And, how can you be sure that you did? Those ladybugs are so tiny! Did you intentionally swallow it? Did you smash it on your finger and then eat it? Did you chew it or did you just swallow it whole? What did it taste like? It looks like it would taste like strawberry bubble gum. Did it taste like that?
#7 Todd: “How long does it take something really personally painful to become really funny?”
Me: Let me think, let me think, let me think… Right away? I’m not saying that you will see the whole situation as funny right away, but I think that humor is a way to cope through pain sometimes. Wendy Nielsen actually writes a humorous chapter in the book, I Just Want To Pee Alone, about her mother’s passing. She certainly didn’t see that her passing away was funny at all, but there were things that happened at that moment that were comical that made her and her family laugh. I have another friend that described laughing through tears when her father passed away. But, I imagine you asked this question because maybe you have gone through something really painful and you are hoping that one day it will become funny? Or funnier?
(Totally unrelated: One day I was running out of a haunted house, tripped and skidded out of the exit across the concrete. I was absolutely humiliated and all of my friends were laughing. It was personally painful, because, well, skinned knees. I just yelled from the ground, “Go ahead and laugh while I swim in this concrete!” I started laughing, too, but my immediate reaction was to cry. So, I think I did a little of both. Thank God for humor!)
#8 Leigh Ann: “I love to ask this of humor writers: Do you just hammer out a funny post or do you have to ‘get the bones laid out’ (as another humor writer put it) and go back in to pepper in the funny?”
Me: This reminds me of Melissa’s question up there about the tweets. I don’t write anything ahead of time. Nothing. I have nothing saved in my Twitter drafts folder and I have nothing saved or even started in my Blogger drafts area. Nothing. I totally just hammer it out. Laying the bones out would mean that I am thinking ahead, crafting this careful post, making sure I’ve covered all of my bases and whatnot. Ain’t nobody got time fo dat. I don’t anyway. When I get started on a post, I finish that one and send it out. If I am going to be gone for a while, I will try to write a couple of things to schedule out, but I struggle big time with that. I have occasionally added a thing or two into posts that are already up on my blog. Do you write ahead?
#9: Stephanie: “Have we seen the inside of your purse?”
Me: Stephanie, you inspired me to put my purse up yesterday. I had posted it before when I first started the purse dumping stuff. I put up another purse picture of mine yesterday that you can see here. If anyone is interested in dumping her purse (or if a man wants to dump his man-purse!), e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I am always looking for purses!
#10 Lyndsey: “Does this mean there will be a continuing of Ask Kelley Wednesdays? This is fun for us, too.”
Me: Ha! Love that. That sounds like a fun idea! I will toss up another “Ask Me Whatchu Want” update tomorrow. If I get crickets, I guess that means I won’t do it anymore. If anyone has any questions they want to ask me in the comments, I will add that to a future post, too.
*I used this color because it is the closest I could get to Pepto Bismol pink. I have a special place in my heart for Pepto Bismol… Once This Is Not That Blog guest posted for me and drew a cartoon of me holding a bottle of the magic liquid.