The 5 Types of Back Scratchers: Which One Are YOU?

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Every now and then, just before I drift off into Kelleyland where I dream about things like John Travolta breaking into my house, I hear, “Will you scratch my back?”

Well, dang, son.

“I was almost asleep,” I say to my husband.

“Okay. Never mind.”

“No, I’ll do it. I’ll scratch your back. Goodness gracious.”

My back scratching abilities depend on my level of alertness and whether or not I had actually gotten to deep enough sleep to witness John Travolta trying to jimmy the locks. On any given day, I could be any of these back scratchers below.

Before we get into those scratchers, though, please let me point out that this is actually not my husband in these pictures, as my husband does not have brown hair, consistently has ears and does not have Minnie Mouse boxer shorts.

(The guy that posed for these pictures won’t let me release his name.)

(Just kidding.)

(This is sort of awkward now, right?)

(He looks like a Frank.)

 
The“That’ll Be Enough-er” just does not have her heart into the back scratching. I mean, she means well. She starts off strong and really feels like she’s going to complete the back scratching task. After all, she said, “Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll scratch your back. Come here.” But by mid-back, she’s done. DONE. She can’t foresee going the distance and completing the back scratching job and has no problem abandoning the mission. She sells out. She rolls over and goes back to sleep.
 

The “Every Square Incher” is quite the opposite. She’s all, “You want your back scratched? I’ll show you what a back scratcher is really made of, Frank.” She starts left and goes right and covers that back with scratch marks. She’s like a typewriter, only she’s not typing at all. In fact, she’s nothing like a typewriter, but I brought it up. I’m leaving it now. ESI even goes the extra mile by giving the left arm, the right arm and the neck an extra little scratch. It’s like a bonus. The arms are all, “Did he ask you to scratch us, too? This is AWESOME. Wha–? Where are you going?” By the time, ESI is done with that back, she wants her back to be scratched by a ESI. Relationships are destined to fail when an ESI is not with an ESI. You actually need to watch out for those ESIs. They can be high maintenance.
 
 
 
 
The “There You Go-er” wants to feel like she did her deed. She scratched the back when asked. She is now officially a giving and selfless person. The only thing is, she left some very wide unscratched areas on the back that you noticed and has no plans whatsoever to correct her oversight. You better not ask the TYG to cover missed ground. “I just scratched your back! Are you kidding? How long do you want me to do this? Do you want me to stay up all night?” will be her response, or something along those lines, when you tell her you missed a spot. It’s best just to appreciate the gesture the TYG threw your way and savor that little scratch your right arm received, too.
 
 
 
There is no shame in “The Now It’s My Turn-er”‘s game. You said “Will you scratch my back?” and she did just that. She gave it a scratch. The NIMT is a taker. If she were a chimpanzee in the rain forest and pulled a stunt like that, those other chimpanzees would shriek, wave their furry arms and probably smash a banana on the NIMT’s head. The thing is, you can’t do that because NIMT does your laundry. You smash that banana on her head and she’ll put syrup inside your socks. It might be time to give Miss Thang a little talking to, is alls I’m sayin’.
 
 
 
 
“The Not Tonight-er” just straight up ain’t scratching your back and there ain’t no two ways about it. (In my family, there was “ain’t no two ways about it” being tossed around all the time. Didn’t really get it then and don’t really get it now, but this has nothing to do with back scratching, so can we move on?) She might be the most honest of the bunch. She’s not going to lure you in with a great back scratching job because she has already drifted off to where *John Travolta is about to shoot her with a tranquilizer gun. In just a few seconds, she’ll be pulling out the tranquilizer dart from her leg while giving Johnny T. a mystified look. She’s not leading anyone on by providing any indication at all that she’ll be a competent back scratcher. SHE’S ALREADY ASLEEP.
 
 
 
Did I cover all of the back scratcher types out there? No, of course, not. For example, I totally left off the “Let Me Get The Handy Back Scratching Tool That Really Is A Back Massager Tool That I Found At Bed, Bath & Beyond-er”, right? Yeah, that lady thinks she can roll that little smiley face dude all over the back for 5 seconds and call it a night. No, sir. That ain’t gonna work. Smiley Face Back Scratcher/Massager Dude is an idiot. He doesn’t work. It’s quite possible he needs to find an entirely new career path selling insurance or something.
 
Dude was from eBay.com.
 
 
I know I forgot others, too. Which ones did I forget?
 
More importantly…
 
 
What kind of back scratcher are you?
*That was my real John Travolta dream I was referencing, but you knew that.
 


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