A Super Funny TAIL From The ER

0

You guys, does my hair look okay? There is a new person in the Break Room and I don’t want to walk around looking like a duck who has her head feathers all out of whack. You have seen ducks like that, right? It actually makes me want to sort of throw up when I see a duck with feathers all out of shape. I feel like yelling at the duck to go back in the water and groom herself properly before she waddles near me again. I don’t look like one of those weird ducks, right?

(You don’t even know what I’m talking about, do you? I’m going to find one of those ducks and show you a picture the next time I see you.)

The very funny person that is about to sit in that orange Break Room chair up there in a few minutes is Lori Wescott from Loripalooza. She is “a thirty something freelance writer, author and comedian residing in Music City. You may have seen [her] in Awkward Smoking Pictures, various newspapers, and in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Matters.” She has also been named Trophy Wife of the Year for nine years running according to one website (hers). When she’s not writing humor, she’s usually “writing music reviews for newspapers, falling down in public, or taking care of [her] adorable ginger son, Luke.”

(You guys, I was laughing out loud when I read what she wrote about “trophy wife” AND when I was looking at her Awkward Smoking Pictures on her page. You are going to have to get over there after you read her funny post below!)

_______________________________________
 
A
good part of my nursing career was spent working in the emergency room. While
much of the excitement I witnessed there seems to run together in my memory,
there are a few stories that stand out in my mind. This is one of them.

It
was a busy Saturday night in the ER. Business usually started slacking off
around eleven o’clock, but this night was an exception. We received a radio
call from an ambulance en route to the hospital. The paramedic described the
patient as a 31-year-old female complaining of back pain after falling at work.
I groaned, realizing that it was my turn to get the next patient, which didn’t
sound the least bit exciting. I knew I had to take the good with the bad, so I
went to prepare the room.

Two
paramedics who were pushing a rather large lady on a stretcher soon greeted me.
The lady was wrapped in a blanket, although not very well, and I could see that
she was completely naked. I said nothing but a raise of my eyebrow let the
paramedic know that it was time to let me in on the whole story. It turned out
that she was an exotic dancer who was working when she lost her balance and
fell off the stage. Her complaint was back pain and she was being quite vocal
about it.

I
reached immediately for a large gown because she wasted no time losing the
blanket that covered her bare body. I was determined to remain professional in
the situation. I was not going to pass judgment, or make light of her problem
regardless of the circumstances that led to it. I began my assessment by asking
her a round of questions regarding a generalized back injury. “Rate your pain
from 0-10, are there any aggravating or alleviating factors?” She asked for
some clarification regarding my questions, so I asked, “Is there anything that
makes your pain better or worse? Maybe a certain position like sitting, lying,
standing or walking?”

She
thought for a minute and then replied, “The only position that really makes it
better is doggy style.”

“Keep
it together,” I told myself. “Be professional.”

I
gave her the chance to correct herself. “You must mean that the fetal position
makes it better, right? Like when you curl up in a ball?” I asked- hoping,
pleading.

“Feline
position?” she asked. “Huh. No I’ve never heard of that one. That right there’s
a new one on me. How does it work?”

I
quickly found a reason to excuse myself, so I could warn the doctor who was
rapidly approaching her room. This particular doctor didn’t have the best track
record when it came to maintaining professionalism. However, at my behest he
saw the patient, examined her back, and handed her the prescription for the
narcotics that she undoubtedly came in for.

With
that, she was on her way in her complementary hospital gown.  Unfortunately she was unable to tie it
properly in the back, so the doctor and I stared silently as we watched her
rather large backside fade into the distance. The silence was broken when he
remarked, “People are actually paying money to look at what we just regretfully
saw for free.”

Out
of the various and sundry demographics I’ve taken care of- the grabby drunk
men, the criminals hand-cuffed to the stretcher, the psychotics who go by,
“Satan,” and the patients who are just there for an ear ache, I think I miss
the heavy strippers the most.

Find Loripalooza here, follow her on Facebook here and follow her on Twitter here!

Share.

Leave A Reply