I’m excited to jump on Ninja Mom’s Character Assassination Carousel today! I’ve actually been standing next to it for, like, ever and it has never slowed down long enough for me to jump on it. Tara from You Know It Happens At Your House, Too was just on it with “Are you REALLY going to eat that?” She just kept smiling and laughing and waving while I waited for my turn with my hands in my pockets. I felt so awkward. She just kept going around and around and around and around and around and around. You can tell by the looks of that horse that it’s no normal carousel. (I’m lying. One time Tara asked the carousel lady to slow it down so I could jump on but I then I got too freaked out by the flying arrows. I just stood there and cried.) The book that I picked to…assassinate (that just seems so violent, yes?)…was Love You Forever.
*Bends to dodge readers’ thrown shoes (and one tomato) and the shoes of all the people who bought me this book at my previous baby showers*
I actually first talked about this book on my blog two years ago so the faithful readers of this blog (boy, how I love you guys) will recognize some of this post. Well, that is, if you have a good memory.
One night two years ago, when my oldest son was 6, I read Love You Forever to my 6-year-old son TWICE. He loved the book back then. Everyone does. This book is THE book to be given to new parents. Basically, it is about a mother who loves her son VERY much despite all of his crazy antics. Now that I have two sons, 4 and 8, I can identify with this book even more now that more time has passed.
But, that mother is a little off her rocker. Can I get an Amen? Anybody? How about a deep grunt?
After sneaking into his room to rock him IN HIS SLEEP, she sings this song to him:
I’ll Love You Forever,
I’ll Like You For Always,
As Long As I’m Living,
My Baby You’ll Be.
How could that song alone not touch your heart? Do you have a soul at all? I *do* love the song. The words are super sweet, but it comes up over and over in the book. By the 50th time she sings it, I just read the first two lines.
The book is sweet, sincere, genuine, loving, touching and moving…but, DAAAAAAAANG, some parts of that book freak me out.
Let me explain.
All is well in the House of Awful Wallpaper in that image in the video below. The loving and doting mother is quietly making her way into her infant son’s room to cradle him and then sing a lovely song she probably made up on the spot. Talented girl, she is. I bet her voice sounds like Celine Dionne, Chaka Kahn, Mariah Carey, Charlotte Church, Barbara Streisand, Susan Boyle, your mom, Sade, the cashier at your local grocery store, Anne Murray, the lady who works at your dry cleaner, Sheena Easton, your first-grade teacher, Barbara Mandrell, Aretha, Gladys Knight, your grandmother’s best friend and Whitney-in-her-younger-days rolled all into one.
This is where it starts getting a little creepy all up in this best-selling book. In this image on the below, her son is now a teenager. Sister is still sneaking into his room. On her knees. Check out that lady’s cockeyed head. If that little dude were to wake up and see his mom pretending she’s a lion or a dog or an anteater or a circus-trained elephant in the hallway outside of his room, he would have to be immediately driven straight to a counselor’s office in his pajamas (after knocking that opposum, I mean, cat off of his bed first. No, maybe it’s a opposum? Or maybe a newborn babirusa?).
Now this picture on the below just beats all I’ve ever seen, Nadine. After little dude grew up and moved away, sister decided it would be a good time to COMMIT A CRIME. I’ll tell you what I would have committed if she came crawling into my second-floor room in the middle of the night. HER. In a looney bin. Mrs. Butterworth here managed to load up her HUGE wooden ladder, prop it against her son’s window, climb up the dang thing, pick up her very heavy son, rearrange the covers a bit and sing her love song to him while rocking back and forth. Look, even that cat is all freaked out. He is desperately trying to get outside to enjoy the light from that REALLY LARGE CRESCENT MOON. “Meow! Get me the meow outta here!”
(Wait. Is it that a cat? I’m sure that pet is supposed to be a cat, but, lawduhmercy, that cat is small. He’s either way out of proportion with the rest of the picture, just born or got caught up in the “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” machine. He’s about the same size as Narcoleptic’s feet.)
Don’t get me wrong here, friends. I love the book and want you to buy it if you don’t have it. Keep the cycle going and buy it for the next baby shower you attend. The story is so sweet AND you get a little extra dose of “Cops”-like, “Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do”-esque action with the scene depicted above, which I always value in a children’s book.
The next person to take a ride on this carousel is Lisa from Wine and Glue!