I am absolutely qualified to write this list because I have a loved one addicted to Groupon, too. It's my husband. We have been able to do some pretty neat stuff because of his addiction, but there are signs already that his saving hobby is on a dangerous path.
...don't tell them you saw a similar deal on Amazon. They cannot know that Amazon may sell something at a similiar price and, if you know what is good for you, do NOT tell them that there are other deals websites out there, especially if they have a fork in their hands!!
...act excited when they want to take you to a Mediterranean/Chinese/Italian restaurant. They saw the Groupon for El Chang Olivit and thought it was something that you might like. Why crush their heart and soul right at dinner time? Why do that?
...break it to them gently that restaurants who have lots of Groupons probably serve horse meat. When a person becomes addicted to looking at Groupon, their eyes glaze over and it all begins to blur together. They don't realize that Sam's Scrumptious Saloon Cafe has been on Groupon for 32 weeks straight. THEY HAVE LOST THEIR ABILITY TO NOTICE THESE THINGS ANYMORE. That is why you must handle this situation most delicately. If you just come right up and blast them with, "Haven't you seen that Sam's Scrumptious something or other has been on Groupon every week for MONTHS, YOU MORON?? SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THE STINKIN' PLACE!", you may have well lost yourself a good friend, spouse or family member. Be gentle.
...you might see them dressing in only green and white. This is when it gets really bad. You may have noticed some Facebook dressing in only blue and white? Yeah, well, this is what happens when someone gets so intertwined with Groupon, they lose all fashion sense. Green shirts, green socks, green underwear, green headbands, green bandanas, green skirts... It won't help to buy them anything else, they'll just go back to Marshall's and exchange it for green.
..be prepared to receive a laser/microdermabrasion/waxing/tanning combo package to a spa 30 miles from your house located behind a Napa Auto Parts. They thought you would love it and you are scared to death. You see, they don't even realize that the combo is just a bad mix. Your loved one has gone off the deep end.
...don't be surprised if you receive canvas prints of really awesome pictures to pictures that aren't even frame-worthy. The deal was so good. Did you really expect them not to get the picture their 3-year-old took of his own lap while sitting in a car seat mounted on canvas? THE DEAL WAS TOO GOOD.
...you may come home to find bath mats all over your house. Bath mats in front of the fire place. Bath mats at the front door. Bath mats in front of the refrigerator. Bath mats inside the bath. Bath mats down the hall way. Bath mats as pillows. Bath mats as plates. They were only 7 BUCKS. What did you expect them to do???
...you must be adamant with them that a tattoo of the Groupon "G" is a horrible idea, especially if they ask for it on their neck. STOP THEM AT ALL COSTS. Do you love them or not?
...they will start recognizing strangers in the weirdest places. You see, avid Grouponers start crossing paths with each other eventually. They all see the same businesses pop up over and over again. You need to be worried when this happens. Before you know it, they'll run off, get married to each other and squander all their money away on the bouncy place down the street just because the deals were too good to pass up.
...his or her house will be filled to the limit with gourmet milk bones, automatic water dispensers and memory foam pet beds AND THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A DOG OR A CAT. This is when you know it's bad. Real bad. How did you let your loved one get to this point?
If you are the one addicted to Groupon, seek help immediately while there is still hope.
For the next couple of weeks, I am going to be sharing funny blog posts from the women featured in the book I Just Want To Pee Alone. I am one of the 37 bloggers who has retold a funny story about motherhood. The book is selling fast and topping the charts in many categories over at Amazon. Read what I have to say about the book and find ways to order it here.
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