You look like the type of person that gets ticked off when old men wear black socks with sandals, couples engage in too much PDA and mothers knock down displays of Stove Top Stuffing with their gigantic car grocery cart, which is why I have composed this handy 5-step guide.
#1 Print out this badge. You can laminate it and either wear it at all times or make a small version to put in your wallet. The important part is to ALWAYS, ALWAYS have it with you at all times. Do not be a fool and leave it at home.
#2 Yell "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! NOT SO FAST!" Tell the offender, whether it be someone that took 5 pennies from the Take-A-Penny-Leave-A-Penny tray at the gas station or someone wearing a series of 6 evenly-spaced scrunchies in a long ponytail, by your tone of voice that you mean business.
#3 Flash your badge, ask them to put down all things that resemble weapons (this includes toddlers holding heavy sippy cups that can be launched in the air) and explain why he or she is under Citizen's Arrest. USE LAYMEN'S TERMS. For example, don't say "You failed to realize that fifteen items is an unacceptable quantity of store bought goods for utilization of the self-checkout lane." Instead say, "Whoa, lady, that's a bunch of stuff in the self-checkout lane. You're under Citizen's Arrest." (Offenders rarely have as extensive of a vocabulary as you do.)
#4 Give them options. Tell them that they can either correct their ways IMMEDIATELY or pay the fine of $50 directly to you. It is a no-brainer. They are going to want to pay you the money. Ladies who love wearing banana clips and parachute pants ON THE SAME DAY aren't going to stop wearing them because you told them to stop. No, they are just going to want to give you the $50. You are an official, after all, and they will know, deep down, that it is best to respect authority. Plus, it will end their public humiliation much faster if they just fork over the cash. With all of this extra income, you will be able to get to Fiji much faster than you have ever dreamed. Or at least to a night out at Chili's.
#5 List the consequences. If they stop going down their path to destruction, won't pay you the money and tell you to go take a nap in the middle of an insanely busy intersection, then you need to have a back-up plan. DO NOT LET PEOPLE MOCK YOUR AUTHORITY. Let them know that if they fail to comply that you have no choice but to bust out the silly string you keep on your belt holster. If they run, boy, you better catch up and spray them from head to toe. Get them in the arm pits. Get them on the kneecaps. Get them right in the belly button. Teach them a lesson!
Sidenote: If you end up getting arrested by someone other than a citizen, such as, say, a police officer, show them your badge. If that doesn't help, well, hey, at least you had enough people hand over that $50 to help pay your bail. Maybe.
A few things...
- If you are interested in being a part of "What's In Her Purse?" on the Kelley's Break Room Facebook page, where you dump your purse, take a pic and then e-mail it to me, let me know. I will take care of the graphics. On your day, I will include a blurb about you and then link to your Facebook page, if you would like.
- The giveaway for the book "Chaingang Elementary" is still going on. The author, Jonathan Grant, is giving away TEN COPIES of the book, so you have an excellent chance of obtaining one. The book is great and the topics it brings up make you really think. The post I wrote about it included a confessional of mine that kind of made me teary eyed.
- If you are a Top Chef fan, and even if you are not, visit my "Who Will Win Top Chef??" contest that started last Thursday. One person that guesses the winner of the show when it ends in a few weeks will win $100. The post lists a summary of the chefs. I appreciate ANY shares, likes, RTs, etc. of this post or any of my Top Chef posts. I am the #2 influencer for Top Chef and hope to be #1. (I am a Bravo-sponsored blogger, but all opinions are my own.) All of your interaction MEANS A TON. Thank you!!
- I have two posts up over at NickMom that I would love for you to check out! They are: A Decision Tree: Should I Invite This Neighbor Kid Into Play? and How Human Mothers Are Different From Bear Mothers