20 Really Bad First Date Stories

Yesterday on Facebook in honor of "Valemtime's Day" (people still say it like that, y'all!), I asked people on the Kelley's Break Room Facebook page about their worst/funniest date. I shared that one of mine was when I called the guy the wrong name the entire time without knowing. He finally pointed it out to me. I could come up with more, BELIEVE ME, but I don't want to take anymore time away from these funny stories below...

#1 Nicole from Moms Who Drink and Swear:  Went to a B-52's concert on a blind date with a guy who "just got sober." He cried. Dear GOD it was bad.
#2 Mel from According to Mags: Worst date ever: BLIND DATE where the guy talked about ways he could get his ex-girlfriend back and wanted me to help him come up with ideas.

#3 Comfytown Chronicles: Oh how to pick just one....probably the worst was a friend of my BIL, and totally true, his dog BIT ME on our first date. He just said "I told you he's crazy." Yeah, there was no second date.

#4 Sarah: Worst date ever...met a Jewish guy who was taking pictures for porn magazines, told me but not his mother or his ex-girlfriend, who was also Jewish. Yeah, needless to say that didn't work out but he did marry the ex! Bwahahaha!
#5 Paige of There's More Where That Came From: My best friend and I went on a double date with our boyfriends. They took us skiing and abandoned us on the bunny slope all night because neither her or I could ski.
#6 Nicole of Ninja Mom: Dated a guy (just one date) who kept one fingernail long for picking his guitar. Just. The one. Nail.
#7 Kristen of Life on Peanut Layne: Hmmm, it would have to be the blind date with a guy who's fake eye didn't fit in the socket because he was broke from his ex wife taking all of his money (his words) so he had to put in his own "fake eye". Try eating pizza while staring directly into someone's empty eye socket.

#8 Ruby: I went on a date with a guy I found on yahoo personals. When I met him in person, I had to really squint to see how he was the "hot guy" I saw in the pictures online. I didn't judge. Then we went to his house and he pulled out a sack of weed and said it was prescription for his anxiety. About 30 minutes in, I got up and said I wasn't feeling so good and I left. Horrible.
#9 Estelle of Musings on Motherhood and Midlife: I went on a date with a guy, drank some wine and decided to trim my bangs.. In the bathroom. When I returned to the table, he kept giving me funny looks, and cut the date short kind of abruptly. I was surprised because I thought it had been going so well. When I got home I saw all the little bang hairs on my nose and all over my face!

#10 Travel Lady with Baby: I went on a date with a man who thought it appropriate to consume 2 bottles of wine and start talking dirty at the table. His talking was so appalling that everyone wanted to throw up, including the waiter, who felt badly that I was stuck on the inside seat and couldn't get out easily. Did I mention this was a first and last date? The nice gay couple next to me helped me escape by calling me a cab and keeping the ass occupied while I made my exit. The couple became my friends!

#11 Ado of The MomalogI ate a whole bag of sugar-free hard candies before a first date and hadn't understood that they had a "laxative effect" so right when he arrived, oh my. I had to cancel the date, it was that bad.
#12 Ado of The Momalog had another one: Oh wait, there's more - that same year I went on another 1st date on a hike up a mountain. The date had taken magic mushrooms before we met (I had no idea) so by the time we got to the top he was prancing & leaping thru the tall grasses like a flipping gazelle. I had an extreme allergic reaction to the tall grasses and I began sneezing uncontrollably and my eyes swelled shut - not kidding - and so he had to lead me, blind, back down the mountain, periodically pausing to leap like a gazelle. It was our last date. Pretty dern bad.
#13 Shelley: I was on a blind date. He brought along his girlfriend. We went to the local broom corn festival. Bet you didn't even know there was such a thing as broom corn. We stopped at a drive thru liquor store so I could serve them beer from the back seat as we drove an hour to the festival. After two hours at the festival, I saw a friend and knew that it wasn't going well when I started trying to find a way in my head to ride home with her. When we finally headed home I was invited to go bar hopping with the guy and his "friend" and they were surprised I didn't want to. Oh, and this blind date guy has a disfiguring scar down one whole side of his face. And at the end the least awful part is that I would have appreciated a heads up on the scar.
#14 Kelly: I went on a date with a guy once - he said we were going out for dinner. He took me to Perkins, which is the northern equivalent to IHOP, ordered a bunch of food and then proceeded to tell me that he forgot his wallet. If that wasn't bad enough, he picked a fight with a couple of other guys in the restaurant and ended up outside in the street, his shirt over his head and his arms pinned up in the air. It was a lovely evening all around, even if I did have to pay! Ugh, boys!!

#15 Leighann of Multitasking Mumma: Went on a blind date with a guy who was supposed to be perfect for me. He was not attractive to me and had horrible breath. He took me for lobster, wine and then coffee. Dropped me off, walked me to my door and leaned in only to meet my hand in his face. No thanks. Sigh. Sorry lobster date, you weren't the one.
#16 Leighann of Multitasking Mumma added one more: After talking to my husband I needed to add this one:
Years ago I went on a date and while we were driving to the restaurant a horrible boom and crash came from under the car. My date got out, banged around at the back, threw something in the trunk and got back in. I inquired and he told me through sweat and lost breath that the muffler had fallen off, no biggy. We continued, had a nice meal, and then took a drive after. On our drive my date had to pee, so naturally, he pulled over and flogged a log on the side of the road. While I sat shocked in the passenger seat. And then I married that romantic slice of heaven.
#17 Tonya of You Asked For It:  One time in HS this guy took me to a Chinese restaurant - being too chicken to try out chopsticks on a date I opted for the fork... Two things led to my demise: 1 - I tend to talk with my hands, 2 - our table was right next to a half wall with a slight ledge... at some point the end of the fork caught the ledge, flew out of my hand and went end over end through the air (in my memory this part is in slow motion) to land right in front of another couple being led to their table... WAY too embarrassed to ask for a new fork we just had them box up the rest of our meals...
 #18 Karyn: A blind date who repeatedly asked my throughout the night, "Do you think i'm attractive?"  He was like an insecure 12-year-old girl. and he was NOT attractive. The lying got harder to do as the night went on. (From reading the other ones, I think we should all stop going on blind dates!)
#19 Hot Mess Mom: Once  I tried to get adventurous with whipped cream. Who knew I'd have an allergic reaction? A gross one.

#20 Toulouse and Tonic: I was invited to a music festival by a guy but I ended up driving, paying and rolling my eyes a LOT. I came thisclose to ditching his ass in New Orleans and just driving my happy ass back home.

BONUS: The Laughing Mom: A guy once called me to tell me that he was not going to call me any more. The logic on that one? (This one wasn't a date, but I had to include it!)
Do you have any stories to add to this list?
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Nicole Leigh Shaw said... [Reply]

I have sooooo many more. My goodness. I should really write them down.

My favorite is Leighann's husband-meeting story. I'll take muffler disaster and peeing on the side of the road any day over lobsters and roses.

Joy @ Comfytown said... [Reply]

These are sooo funny! The story about the guy's dog that BIT ME, it gets better. I mean WORSE. A couple years later, I SEE THAT GUY at my sister's party and he walks up with a date and says, in front of my then boyfriend/now husband: "That's her, that's the girl my dog bit on a date!" Lovely seeing you again, too. Oy.
I have a few more, too, not sure if I'm ready to take that stroll down memory lane.

Tabitha Johnson said... [Reply]

Went out to see a movie, his car got a flat tire. He didn't know how to change it..I had to! Good thing my Daddy taught me simple mechanics, just in case! Needless to say that was the last date..can't date a guy who can't even change a flat.

The Laughing Mom said... [Reply]

These are hilarious. Thank you for including me. The call actually came the day after our first and last lunch date. Apparently two strangers bonding over jello shots at a party is not enough to keep the spark going after one lunch at a crappy Chinese takeout joint.

Lisa said... [Reply]

I had a first date with a very cute, successful young dentist. He invited me to play tennis, which wasn't a problem. The problem was that 1. it was like 90 degrees out and 2. I was very hung over from being out with my friends the night before. So we played, but after we finished? I threw up in the garbage can on the side of the court. He was very concerned, being a sort of medical person, and nice about it. But needless to say he didn't ask me out again. Probably for the best, right? He'd probably be all annoying about flossing.

Abby said... [Reply]

HOLY. CRAP. These are a million kinds of awesome. I think it's a tie between #7 and #12 for the best reason as to why I don't date anymore.

I only have a couple minor stories that compare. There was one time I hadn't even ordered a glass of water yet before the guy said, "I just want you to know that if you're not truly interested in marrying me and becoming the next Mrs. X, we should probably end this right now." It was a first date. We "ended that right now." Another time the dude picked me up and while I thought we were going mini-golfing, we instead proceeded to go to his parent's land where we hiked through mosquito-infested woods while he picked out his hunting spot. On the way back he also picked his teeth with a golf tee he found in the seat of his car. I'm a vegan with OCD about germs. That was our first and last date. (In my defense though, he was kind of hot.)

Kelley Nettles said... [Reply]

Ha! Well, that's too bad. So, there was a date included, but at a crappy Chinese takeout. His loss! Thanks for sharing your story!

Kelley Nettles said... [Reply]

Ha! I have two sons. I am going to make sure my husband teaches them how to do that by the time their teenagers. That is something that is an absolute MUST for them to know how to do! Can't scare girls off because of that!

Kelley Nettles said... [Reply]

That sounds like a scene out of a movie that would include Ben Stiller!

Kelley Nettles said... [Reply]

I'm laughing! Yeah, that is good. The muffler fell off during the date and he slammed it into the trunk. Love that she ended up marrying him.

Fran Fischer said... [Reply]

Better them than me!

Kelley Nettles said... [Reply]

Ha! Isn't that the truth??

Kelley Nettles said... [Reply]

Good for you! It made me laugh that you left him high and dry like that. He deserved it!

Abby Heugel said... [Reply]

Crap on a cracker! I commented on this post earlier and retweeted it, but the format was all funky and it looks like it got erased (unless you hate me and deleted it. In that case, crap on a cracker.) Anyway, I think I said that No. 7 and No. 12 are enough to convince me that I'm smart to not date.

While my stories aren't at ALL this fabulous, I do have a couple. Before I had even ordered a water to drink with this one guy, he told me if I wasn't seriously interested in marrying him and becoming the next Mrs. X then we should just end things right there. It was a first date. I ended things there.

Another time I thought I was headed out to dinner with my (rather hot) roofer, but instead he took me to his parent's land and we walked through mosquito-infested woods so he could pick out his hunting spot for the following weekend. Then we got in his truck and he picked something out of his teeth with a golf tee. I'm a vegan with OCD who hates being itchy. Needless to say, that was the end of that one.

Kelley Nettles said... [Reply]

Abby!! I'm so happy to see you back here. It's SO weird, because I saw that you commented on my e-mail. Then, I came back here and didn't see it. I didn't know what happened to it! The first time you commented, did you do it from your phone? I'm wondering if it is not possible, with this new Disqus set-up I've got going here, to comment from phones. That's not good! I don't know. I'm just glad you came back.
Okay, your stories are awesome! Awesome in a bad way because those guys were LAME. I CANNOT believe that a guy said that if you weren't interested in being Mrs. X ON THE FIRST DATE that the date should just end. Who does that?
I think the guy was taking you through those woods for a romantic stroll and wanted a little action! Ha! Yeah, not your guy, though, with that golf tee for a toothpick thing going. I remember seeing that toothbrush and toothpaste in your purse! He was definitely not for you!
Honestly, when you say you don't date anymore, I get sad for all of the guys out there that won't get them an Abby Heugel. Their big loss! You are so funny, smart and awesome!

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Amy said... [Reply]

I can't decided if I wish I had a story to share or if I'm thankful I don't. So funny!

Abby Heugel said... [Reply]

You're nuts, but I love ya anyway. And I don't have a smartphone, so I was commenting from my computer. The whole format of the comments section looked different than it does now...so weird!

Brett Minor said... [Reply]

I don't have a bad date story, but I have a stalker story. I wrote about it a few months ago.

Stalkers Need Love, Too

Brett Minor said... [Reply]

I like to joke and say, "Why do I never get into 'since we're naked anyway' type of situations?"

Although, I don't think I would have enjoyed this one.

yvonne said... [Reply]

Bahahaha! I love all these stories! I have tons! No seriously, I do. This one guy and I made a date, he asked me to pick the place, anywhere I wanted to go, so I did. An hour before the date, he text messages me and says I'm too "uppity" and he's more of a burger and fries kinda guy. ---LMAO! I picked Pappasitos. What the heck??? :)

MJ said... [Reply]

Great stories....I just went on one of these dates. Got there to hang out.. .and his ex was there from tweleve years ago. I just met this guy three weeks ago? It gets better, he made up excuses on the phone that the was spending time with family earlier..... and clearly lied...since the ex was there the whole time before I arrived....

@SALTfilms said... [Reply]

Ha ha! Here are 5 weird first dates... http://weirddatesbecomereal.wordpress.com
- Amy

stacey Bruno said... [Reply]

I never believed in love spells or magic until I met this spell caster once when i went to see my friend in Indian this year on a business summit. I meant a man who's name is Dr ATILA he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one's gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I'm now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 5 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn't believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is atilahealinghome@yahoo.com

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