Top 10 Reasons I Haven’t Put My Husband On Craigslist. YET.

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Not too long ago, a very nice lady from The Happy Wives Club (84,000+ likers on Facebook) contacted me to see if I’d like to join their very first link-up tomorrow with a list of the reasons I love my husband. (Happy wives out there, you should do it! Link your spoonful of lovin’ right up! Show that man of yours some sweet affection! Show him that mama still thinks he’s hot! Show that man ain’t nobody out there for him but you! Show that man… Yeah, I’ll stop.) Before I responded, I thought, “Huh. How does she know I’m a happy wife?” Then, I remembered that I have this at the beginning of my Twitter profile:

I like sloths, Pepto-Bismol, my 2 sons, my husband, funny people & your new haircut.
 

Maybe that gave me away?

So, I sat down to write the list earlier today. It was sweet. It was mushy. It was…well, not typical Break Room material.

I was going to go with it, anyway. I’m all for supporting happy marriages and husbands. After all, I have two sons. I want wives that support and love them. On top of that, I do love him. Obviously. We have been married for 13 years and have been together a total of 17. (Sakes alive.)

But, then…guess what?

Yep. He made me mad.

“Hey, it’s me calling.”

YES?”

(So, that started that.)

So, I scrapped that list and wrote this one in about 10 minutes.

#10 He made me stay at Home Depot entirely too long once. The upside to that, of course, is a) he is a good, careful decision maker and b) it gave me good blog material. And lots of photos of boob lights, toothless models and fake hands holding shower heads. (Home Depot probably should come with a rating on their sliding glass doors.)

#9 He arranged for me to have LASIK several years ago. This may have been more for his benefit. I looked pretty heinous in my glasses. He once took a picture of me asleep with my glasses cockeyed on my face and the book Colon Health splayed across my chest. It was a beautiful sight. Truly.

I’m on the right. WOW.

#8 He sometimes will buy me an Almond Joy for no reason at all. Now, he doesn’t always get me a refill when he gets up to get himself a refill, but he does get me an Almond Joy on occasion.

#7 He suffers through subtitles. Again, this may be more for his benefit. “Hey, Chris. What did they just say?” *Deeps sighs, rolls his eyes, throws his head back* “Let’s just turn on the subtitles.” (I totally can’t hear. Here is humiliating proof.)

#6 He embarrassed me BIG TIME in front of his friends once. This is listed as a positive thing because, of course, it helped me build character. Gotta keep him off of Craigslist for that. That experience really stunk. *Tries to elbow you and wink at the same time but realizes she can’t because you are on the other side of a computer screen and also she can’t wink without closing the other eye practically all the way*

#5 He listens to me re-tell my dreams. The other day I dreamt that I was Jennifer Garner’s best friend and was helping her take care of her kids while Ben was writing a movie. (That Seraphina was a handful!) She asked me to proofread his movie, but I could hardly understand anything he wrote. Their house was really, really basic. White walls. Nothing on them. On top of all of that, their carpet needed to be stretched. And it was brown. That was just the beginning of the dream. (I seriously feel like Jennifer Garner and I are friends now. In fact, when I see her next, I’m going to call her “Jenny”.) Did I say my husband listens to my dreams? I meant to say he tunes me out after the first 521 details and then says, “Are you done yet?” when I come up for air. Still, he sits there. At least.

#4 He turned down the affection of his bus driver for me. I was really starting to think these two were having an affair a couple of years ago. She had me all nervous.

#3 He laughs at my jokes. Well, some of them. Maybe one or two? He is not a free laugh giver. No way. If I get a laugh out of him, I said some funny stuff. I wear his laugh around like a badge of honor for a little while after I manage to nab one. (SIDENOTE: It’s really hard to pin on laughs like a badge. The whole “laughs are made of air” thing, you know? And “air can’t be pinned” and all that. Quoting myself here, folks.) He makes me laugh all the time and he’ll follow it with, “Are you going to steal that for your blog?” (I usually do.)



(Stole this bad boy right here. He had this on his filing cabinet
at work and I used in my post about that really, really frisky masseuse.)

#2 He is reading to my boys right now so that I can write this list about why I am on the fence about putting him on Craigslist. (Pretty sure he just thinks I’m on Facebook.) He truly, truly is an awesome dad. No kidding about that one.

#1 Like, Craigslist doesn’t take humans.



(To the people coming from “The Happy Wives Club”, know this is all a joke. The regular readers of this blog will know this, of course. Joking around is a key element to my marriage. It’s how we get out of arguments. It’s how we don’t stay mad at each other. It’s how we tell each other hard stuff. It’s a big reason of why our marriage works.)

 

(Also, if you link up with The Happy Wives Club, know that the point is to create a list of reasons you love your husband and to keep adding to that list when you feel like it. It’s very sweet. I just went with the Craigslist approach…)

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