“Horn… I think it’s hornswoggled.”
“Are you upset that my vocabulary is leaps and bounds above yours?”
“No one says hornswoggled. How do you even know this word? Nerd.”
Yep. Hornswoggled is a word. You knew this already.
HORNSWOGGLED (past participle, past tense of hornswoggle): v. Get the better of someone by cheating or deception
It turns out people are trying to hornswoggle us left and right since we moved into the house the day after Christmas. The carpet lady, the water treatment lady, the home security man, this man, that man and that lady over there. We considered putting new carpet in our room, so a lady came out to measure it. She tried to sell us really expensive carpet for that one little space. She told us, “I just want my customers to be happy” and all other sorts of nonsense. Barf. She does not. She wants the sell. The water treatment lady WOULD NOT LEAVE. (I wrote about her in the post, “For the love of Honey Boo Boo, get out of my house!”). She was at our house for six hours. The home security man has all his scare tactics ready. When we don’t answer his call, he knocks on our door. We need security from the security man. And don’t even get me started about the Kirby people who totally pulled a fast one on me at our last house.
We’ve had enough of this hornswoggling bit.
So, we came up with some ideas.
If your hornswoggling radar goes off, or if you see a potential hornswoggler walking up to your door, here are some things you should do:
#1 Tell them you have the latest strain of the flu. This if they make it all the way to your door and you actually open it. Fake a sneeze and, for the love of Downey Fabric Softener, do not sneeze into your arm. Leave your mouth and nose totally uncovered and give it a really good “ACHOOO!!!” If the hornswoggler doesn’t budge, fire off a ton of ACHOOs right in a row until a) he’s completely covered in fake sneeze goo or b) you run out of air and faint. Fainting is better than forking over too much money. Just cling tight to your wallet while you fall.
#2 Turn on your water sprinklers as soon as you see the hornswoggler. The main goal, really, is to get the hornswoggler to turn around and leave before they even make it to your front step. If you don’t have water sprinklers installed in the ground, keep a water sprinkler in your front yard at all times. If possible, have one that aims right for the person’s head as they stand on your front porch. If it is a repeat offender, like our security guy, consider attaching our Pepper Spray Cartridge to your outside water line. We’re going to try that one tonight.
#3 Install a doorbell that delivers an electric shock. They sell them around Halloween time, but you can buy them on-line. One touch of that thing will make that dude second guess whether or not he wants to convince you to buy his truck full of ribeyes. When no relentless salesman is in sight, tape a piece of paper over the doorbell says “Shhh! Baby is sleeping!” or “Doorbells cause polio. Please don’t touch.” No use making enemies out of the neighbor kids.
#4 Don’t answer the door. I don’t like this option. I know this is one you might come up with, so I had to address it. If I don’t answer the door, will they think no one is home? How do I know it’s not just a hornswoggler, but someone wanting to break in? Should I just yell through the door, “I’M NOT INTERESTED!!” But, what if I hurt the hornswoggler’s feelings? See, I’d rather them get blasted in the backside with a water balloon from out of nowhere (read: son hidden in the bushes) and run off. It sort of takes me out of the equation, you know?
#5 Wear this shirt. Or drink from the mug below it. Get a conversation going. Tell them the hornswoggling stops HERE! Punctuate that statement with a karate chop. Or three.
***The t-shirt and mug will be available via Cafe Press in a couple of days. If you are interested in buying one (Thanks, Kirby!!), let me know below. I will be happy to hook you up!***