"I can't believe we almost got hornswoggled twice in one day," my husband said.
"Horn what?"
"Horn... I think it's hornswoggled."
"Ha! HornSWOGGLED???"
"Are you upset that my vocabulary is leaps and bounds above yours?"
"No one says hornswoggled. How do you even know this word? Nerd."
Yep. Hornswoggled is a word. You knew this already.
HORNSWOGGLED (past participle, past tense of hornswoggle): v. Get the better of someone by cheating or deception
It turns out people are trying to hornswoggle us left and right since we moved into the house the day after Christmas. The carpet lady, the water treatment lady, the home security man, this man, that man and that lady over there. We considered putting new carpet in our room, so a lady came out to measure it. She tried to sell us really expensive carpet for that one little space. She told us, "I just want my customers to be happy" and all other sorts of nonsense. Barf. She does not. She wants the sell. The water treatment lady WOULD NOT LEAVE. (I wrote about her in the post, "For the love of Honey Boo Boo, get out of my house!"). She was at our house for six hours. The home security man has all his scare tactics ready. When we don't answer his call, he knocks on our door. We need security from the security man. And don't even get me started about the Kirby people who totally pulled a fast one on me at our last house.
We've had enough of this hornswoggling bit.
So, we came up with some ideas.
If your hornswoggling radar goes off, or if you see a potential hornswoggler walking up to your door, here are some things you should do:
#1 Tell them you have the latest strain of the flu. This if they make it all the way to your door and you actually open it. Fake a sneeze and, for the love of Downey Fabric Softener, do not sneeze into your arm. Leave your mouth and nose totally uncovered and give it a really good "ACHOOO!!!" If the hornswoggler doesn't budge, fire off a ton of ACHOOs right in a row until a) he's completely covered in fake sneeze goo or b) you run out of air and faint. Fainting is better than forking over too much money. Just cling tight to your wallet while you fall.
#2 Turn on your water sprinklers as soon as you see the hornswoggler. The main goal, really, is to get the hornswoggler to turn around and leave before they even make it to your front step. If you don't have water sprinklers installed in the ground, keep a water sprinkler in your front yard at all times. If possible, have one that aims right for the person's head as they stand on your front porch. If it is a repeat offender, like our security guy, consider attaching our Pepper Spray Cartridge to your outside water line. We're going to try that one tonight.
#3 Install a doorbell that delivers an electric shock. They sell them around Halloween time, but you can buy them on-line. One touch of that thing will make that dude second guess whether or not he wants to convince you to buy his truck full of ribeyes. When no relentless salesman is in sight, tape a piece of paper over the doorbell says "Shhh! Baby is sleeping!" or "Doorbells cause polio. Please don't touch." No use making enemies out of the neighbor kids.
#4 Don't answer the door. I don't like this option. I know this is one you might come up with, so I had to address it. If I don't answer the door, will they think no one is home? How do I know it's not just a hornswoggler, but someone wanting to break in? Should I just yell through the door, "I'M NOT INTERESTED!!" But, what if I hurt the hornswoggler's feelings? See, I'd rather them get blasted in the backside with a water balloon from out of nowhere (read: son hidden in the bushes) and run off. It sort of takes me out of the equation, you know?
#5 Wear this shirt. Or drink from the mug below it. Get a conversation going. Tell them the hornswoggling stops HERE! Punctuate that statement with a karate chop. Or three.
We have to at least try something, for goodness sakes.
As for the shirt and mug, they're real, I created them and they can be purchased on CafePress if anti-hornswoggling is your thing. If you'd like one, let me know. I will be happy to send one of you one of my anti-hornswoggling goods!
(If you think they're uglier than Sloth in Goonies, I take no offense.)
Have you ever been hornswoggled??
***The t-shirt and mug will be available via Cafe Press in a couple of days. If you are interested in buying one (Thanks, Kirby!!), let me know below. I will be happy to hook you up!***
17 comments:
I am going to be honest here--I use the word 'hornswoggled' all. the. time. My 8th graders love it. I want the shirt. I am serious.
@Kirby Dunton Carespodi Oh, Kirby!! You made my day! I will put the link up in a minute to order it. Yahooo!!!
Hilarious :) I especially like the bit about the steak salesman. I actually do NOT open the door ever and would prefer to meet any potential burglars with a gun upon them kicking in the door, so naturally, that's just what I prepared to do when some punk rang my bell yesterday. I finally checked again and saw no punk but rather a white pickup speeding off...I noticed it was some sort of steak salesman. At least that's who I assume was ringing the bell. Luckily, he stormed off and I was not hornswoggled!!! You ought to ask my husband about DirectTV if you want to know about hornswoggling! Or my health insurance company!
Great post!
@AvallabyEmilie Ha! I would love to see your husband and my husband have a conversation about hornswoggling. It would go on forever! Those steak guys can really hornswoggle the heck outta people!
@Cyndyth Thanks! Glad you stopped by!
* Like * Grrr... I hear ya, I've written a couple of posts about doorbell ringers in my day.
I love the word hornswoggle, and use it at least several times a month. It's fun to pronounce, too~
We in Maine do not tolerate hornswoggling. And yes, I am familiar with the word.
Swornhoggled, yes. Hornswoggled, no.
@L Carilo I would love to read them! Can you send me a link or post one here?
@Shelly You do?? So impressed! Yeah, it is fun to say! Ha!
@Eva Gallant You let those hornswogglers have it, do you, Eva? Go, Eva! Go, Eva!
@Along These Lines ..... That made me laugh out loud. Swornhoggled.
Hornswoggled! I love it, Kelley. Will now be using this word all the time.
Nope. Never been hornswaggled. That's because *I* wear the hornswaggling pants 'round these parts.
Well sweet friend, I was recently Hornswoggled- I didn't even know there was a term for it. This really fast talking guy with arms twirling (like he was giving a presentation on airborne bacteria),was selling periodicals. (My senior English would love to know that I used "that" term). I was nice and told him no thanks, gotta run. My sweet loveable lab/pitt mix met him at the door as well as my 5 yr old & my little rat terrier mix decided she was a going to get rid of him as well.Nope. He wasn't going to leave. NO luck after all of that I told him I was married to a CPA - an accountant I pointed out. I said that he pinches pennies and can squeeze water out of a rock. He was dumbfounded to say the least. ;)
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