What is the best compliment you have ever received?

I asked this question on Facebook today and have loved the responses I have been receiving, so I thought I would just ask it in the Break Room, too. I saw this question in a May 2012 People magazine over the weekend and loved reading the answers from celebrities. Here were some of them:


Bradley Cooper: 'I respect and look up to you'-from my pop."

Christina Aguilera: "When my son Max looked at me and said, 'Mommy, you look so pretty.' It was a mommy moment I will never forget."

Jennifer Anniston: "Whenever anyone, a friend or stranger, comes up to me and tells me that I made them laugh-nothing feels better."


Now, I want to hear from you.





What is the best compliment you have ever received?


The parking lot sign that made me happy

"Glenda, I ain't believe theeyus."

"Wot, Gerald?"

"Weyell, it's Sundy mornin', I'm the new pastor of this church and there ain't no wars to park! Am I supposed to park in tha mud and trudge dirty tracks all through the sanc-jew-wearreh?"

"Now, Gerald, there's not that much mud around here. It ain't rained in days.  Looky over thar. I see a patch of dry grass. Go park over thar. Ain't we 'posed to be servants eenyheway? You can serve this church by parking a little futher away and serve it by preachin' a might good sermon in about 15 minutes."

"It'll take us that long to get to tha front door, Glenda."

About 50 yards away, Billy and Tommy Watson, brothers and long-time members of the little church, saw Brother Gerald and his wife get out of the car.

"Now, that ain't right, Tommeh."

"Whatjew main, Billeh?"

"A pastor parking his Crown Victoria way over thar. This is his church. He deserves a good parking space. Why hadn't we thought of it bee-fer?"

"This is God's church, Billeh, but yore raht. The man deserves his own parkin' space. I got just the idear."

So, Billy made this, except he left out one little detail on his first try:

*I saw this sign by a country restaurant we like to eat at sometimes. It made me happeh.*

"Well, Billeh, that's a nahs sign yew made fer Brother Gerald, butju forgot the 'postrophe ehyes. 'PASTOR PARKING' ain't gonna help none. Joel Osteen gonna drive by and thank HE can park thar. That space ain't for no Joel Osteen, it's fer BROTHER GERALD! Joel Osteen got himself a gazillion parking spaces and prolly a helicopter pad, too. This one ain't heeyiz. That's why yew need an ehyes on the end of PASTOR."

"But, I ain't go no more room, Tommeh!"

"Squeeze it in thar, Billeh. Squeeze it in thar like you squeeze into them coveralls you war ever-day. You ever wash them suckers?"

"Well, SHORE I do. This ain't no time to be pokin' fun. Weez at church. Yer s'posed to be nahs. 'specially to yer own flesh 'n blood. Wait 'til I tell Mommuh. Eeny-he-way, yer right. It does need an ehyes. Good thang I still have my paint brush and can."

"Yeah, good thang."

So, Billy painted an "s" under the "r" in the word PASTOR.

And Joel Osteen has never once tried to park there.

"Well, wouldju look at that, Glenda? I got my own space! Ain't God good?", Pastor Gerald said as he said as he drove up the next Sunday.

"He SHORE eeyiz, Gerald. He SHOOOOOOOORE eeyiz."




(You know I made this whole story up, right?)


How To Avoid Jet Lag After 2-Hour Flight: Tips from my MIL (and..."Finding the Funny"!)

Does anyone remember my mother-in-law? She's the one who stops by movie theaters and hijacks their popcorn. I wrote the post, "Should My Mother-In-Law Go to Jail?" all about her wild and crazy movie theater ways.

I also wrote about her hairdo after the Chinese foot massage:

She's a good sport about that kind of stuff, which really works out. I'd hate to make fun of something someone did without his or her blessing. The thought!

My mother-in-law's latest way of entertaining me comes by listening to her list off the things she must take on an airplane. It has been a LONG time since I've traveled on an airplane alone. I remember packing up TONS of stuff when I flew with my two boys to Arizona last summer. When I travel by myself, though, all I really need besides my purse is...mmm...a book?

Not my mother-in-law.

She needs quite a bit more.

She needs...

*noise canceling earphones
*gum
*neck pillow
*nail file
*candy bar
*protein bar
*ink pen
*SEVERAL PAPER TOWELS IN CASE THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER


But, the best item of all is this thing:


She wears this respiratory mask when the plane is getting ready to take off, wears it throughout the whole trip and then takes it off at the end. Contrary to what you might think, she doesn't wear it to protect herself from viruses.

It's meant to help her fight jet lag.

From a flight leaving out of Texas and landing in Tennessee.

Jet lag.

"Mom, you can't get JET LAG when you don't even cross a time zone at all," said my husband.

"I do! I get jet lag. Wearing that mask helps me not to get tired after being on an airplane and breathing in everybody's germs."

"I bet people think your really sick or something."

"No, because as soon as my seat mate sits down, I lean over and say, 'I'm not sick. I just don't want to get sick.'" I don't think she reveals the part about jet lag. Seat mates wouldn't understand.

"You must come bounding down the plane when it lands, Mom. Why don't you just wear that mask all the time? Think of your energy levels!" (You do hear his sarcastic tone, don't you?)

She learned that little trick from Dr. Oz.

That's why my husband's comments don't faze her.

She's got Dr. Oz on her side.



She swears by the mask.

My husband swears she can't get jet lag on a 2-hour flight.

I swear that she probably doesn't need to bring those paper towels. Pretty sure airplanes stay stocked with toilet paper, for goodness sakes.

(They could really use a changing table, though. I can tell you that much.)








_____________________________________

And now...


 Thank you for linking up week after week! I can't wait for my life to get back to normal, so that I can catch up with all of your funny stuff. For those of you new here, we welcome any funny posts you have written- new or old. Your post will appear here and also over at Anna's blog, My Life and Kids. Now, go and show us the funny!

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#5 - I love him but also sort of want to punch him Karifur's Weblog


The long squishy walk

When I was retelling this story to my husband last night, we were laughing so hard that I was actually crying. I know it's terrible. You had to have been there. We were acting it out. I do feel bad for the people involved, though. It was a pretty awful scene.

Source



Many years ago when I was working at a hospital, this story you are about to read happened to a co-worker of mine. Actually, it happened to a student that was observing a co-worker of mine. This hospital is a "teaching hospital", so we would always have students from nearby universities following us around to see how we did our job. I am keeping details vague. You know...protecting the innocent kind of thing. Before we took a student to observe a patient with us, we'd always share with them that they were about to see things that might make them queasy.

Blood.

Staples.

Mucus.

Fun stuff, you know?

They'd always say, "Oh, yeah. That stuff doesn't bother me. I'll be fine."

They were always so nervous.

On this particular day, my co-worker went through all of that with her student, who readily agreed to accompany my friend into a patient's room. A patient that had just had major surgery and had lines of all sorts connected to him.

She stood there with my friend. Very rigidly.

Moments into the session...

BAM!!!

She fainted. She fainted right there in the patient's room after a few seconds of observing this poor man who had just been through a pretty traumatic surgery.

That probably made him feel great.

But, that wasn't it.

Pssssssssssssssssssss...riiiiiiiiiiiiip.

She lost bladder control.

And bowel.

The poor girl fainted, pooped and peed on herself!!!

She was humiliated, to say the least. My friend offered to take her back to the clinic to get her some scrubs to change into or something. The girl refused. She put her knees together and squished and squashed all the way back to her car. This hospital is HUGE, so it was a looooooong squishy walk.

Can you imagine the conversations she must have had when people inevitably asked her observation at the hospital went? "With the exception of that moment I soiled myself in front of a crowd of people, it was absolutely delightful!"


Have you ever fainted in public??


My day at a Top Chef's house (plus, *two* giveaways)

My sister is a foodie. I'm not. I like food and I like to cook, but I'm not a "foodie". My sister and I shared the vegetables from a vegetable delivery service once. I gave most of them to her. I would scour the bag looking for a tomato or some okra or maybe even a cucumber. Would a cucumber be too much to ask? Instead of finding vegetables that are sold at grocery stores, I found things like dandelion greens. DANDELION GREENS. And broccoli rabe. (And, yes, I know it's pronounced "rob". Don't be so uppity.)

Because my sister loves the fancy food, she often finds restaurants for us to try. Not too long ago, she took us to a place called t'afia in Houston. This restaurant has a different menu every day because everything is super fresh and based on what is available from the farmers. The chef at the restaurant is Monica Pope, named top chef at the Houston Culinary Awards in 2009. She was also on Season 2 of Top Chef and placed 3rd out of 7 possible spots. She has also been featured in Gourmet, O: The Oprah Magazine, Bon Appetit, and Fortune. Monica Pope is only Texas woman to ever be named a Top 10 Best New Chef by Food & Wine magazine. 

On top of all of that, she has also written a digital cookbook called Eat Where Your Food Lives.

And invited us to her house.

Okay, I exaggerate. We paid. But, we did eat at her house. My sister came across this event called "Outstanding In My Backyard", which is basically where you buy one of a select number of tickets, go to Monica Pope's house and eat with some strangers at a long table set up in her backyard.



This is the back of her house. I'm glad I wasn't the only one taking pictures.

She totally treated you like you were a friend of hers. We went inside to get the food like you might at a big Thanksgiving dinner.

We went to the first event, but she has these OIMBY picnics all throughout the summer. The food was very, very good. I wish I could remember the fancy names for the dishes, but it was basically some really good fried fish, green beans, mozzarella cheese and bread. I know if I ask my sister, she'll rattle off all of the dishes. I didn't take a picture of the food because I didn't have the presence of mind to take a picture of it before I shoved it all in my face.


Not sure what's going on with the picture quality there, but...here is my sister and me. I do remember what the drink was called. It was a DIGESTIVO. I remember when I saw that on the menu, I thought "Digesti-what?" It didn't sound appetizing, but it was yummy. Verrrrry yummy. It had rum. And juices. And you could have as many as you wanted.

My poor sister, the one who coordinated the whole thang, got stung with a bee while we were there, though. Pobrecita. See...Monica (I'll just call her by her first name since I've been to her house and all) has bees in her backyard so that she can have super fresh honey. Would you expect anything less?


One of those little farts escaped and stung my sister right in her armpit as we were eating. In her armpit!! Thankfully, Monica is sort of like a medicine woman. They found some clay medicine stuff and patched it all in my sister's armpit. I took a picture of it, but I decided not to post it. I could just hear her say, "You put a picture of my armpit on your blog??" That clay in the pit really soothed things down fast.

Since Lisa coordinated the whole thing and is one of Monica's biggest fans, I took a picture of her with her.



And I took a picture of her tea tree.



Cool tree, huh?

I also took a picture of her table decorations. It took all I had not to take the little suckers out of there and act out a whole scene. It would've been like playing with super miniature Barbies.




It was definitely a cool experience. Since you couldn't be there, I thought of another way you could feel ALMOST like you were. I want to give one of you Monica Pope's digital cookbook, Eat Where Your Food Lives. It's from me to you. Monica Pope didn't give it to me to give it to you, though I bet she would have if I had asked. She's super nice like that.

So, that's the first giveaway. You can enter using this handy Rafflecopter feature below.

a Rafflecopter giveaway



The second giveaway is from Plum District, a deals site. This is also a Houston-related deal, which is why I'm sharing it today. They are offering an awesome package for the Houston Museum of Natural Science.  I hadn't heard of them before. Glad I know about them now! Right now on their website, you can get:
2 tickets to the Cockrell Butterfly Center for $9 (that's a $15 value) 
2 tickets to the Exhibit Hall for $15 (that's a $30 value)  
2 tickets to BOTH the Cockrell Butterfly Center and the Exhibit Hall for $20 (that's a $46 value)
You can buy up to eight packages of each AND they are transferrable, so you can pass them on as gifts. Today, though, Plum District is allowing me to give away...

4 tickets to the Exhibit Hall
AND
4 tickets to the Cockrell Butterfly Center

(All will go to one person. It's a $92 value.)
I couldn't pass that up, right? You all look like you want to go look at the dinosaur bones at the museum and play with the butterflies, too.

a Rafflecopter giveaway



Thanks, everyone!
 


The Shrimp Remembers When (and "Finding the Funny"!)

Before we get to the shrimp, let me share a typical conversation between my husband, Chris, and me. This one involved me trying to figure out how to watch one of his new favorite shows, Portlandia, on his iPad using Netflix. He had just watched the second episode and suggested I watch the first episode after he was done. So, after he handed me his iPad, I said:

"So, where's the first one?"

"It's the first one."

"I know, but how do I get to the first episode?"

"It's at the beginning."

"At the beginning of what?"

"It's at the front."

"The front of where? How do I figure out where it is on this thing?"

"You look for the first one."

"But where?"

"Before the second one."

"CHRIS!"

"Okay, it's at the beginning."

"Oh, never mind. I figured it out."

He knew I would figure it out. Or at least he was hoping.

One of my favorite things to do is observe other couples and the way they interact. I find it very amusing. One couple I loved to watch together were my aunt and uncle.  They loved each other very much and made each other laugh. A couple of months ago, I wrote about my uncle passing away. It was a sad and dark time for me, but nothing compared to what my aunt, his sons and his siblings endured and are enduring.

Just like with all grieving, some days are better than others.

For me, I guess Sunday wasn't a great day and it all started with shrimp.

My uncle was a shrimper in Florida, but would shrimp all over the place. He took his shrimp boat through the Panama Canal once and it went all the way up to Washington state. When my aunt and uncle came into town, or when my grandmother returned to Texas from a Florida visit, we ate shrimp. Lots and lots of shrimp.

On Sunday, I didn't eat any fried shrimp from Florida. I was actually eating a grilled shrimp po' boy at The Fish Place. This is my new favorite seafood restaurant, which, unfortunately for many of you, is only in the Houston area. That po' boy was the best I have ever, ever eaten!  Anyway, I saw my 4-year-old's popcorn shrimp sitting all pretty and yummy in the red kiddie basket, reached over and ate one. It was goooooood. It was seasoned perfectly. The batter was just right.

The fried shrimp tasted like the kind my uncle used to make.

All of sudden, right there in the middle of The Fish Place, I started to cry. My eyes welled up. My mind was suddenly filled with images of my aunt, uncle, grandmother, mom and dad gathered in the kitchen peeling, washing, deveining, butterflying, dipping and rolling shrimp in their special mixture. The next step would be to stack them in a brown bag and layer them with paper towels in between the layers before frying them. This was an ALL DAY affair.

While sun tea brewed on the front porch, of course, and the fresh cole slaw got made.

Does anyone make "sun tea" anymore? Source

And my grandmother, my Nana, made sure we were all cool from the summer heat, refreshed, feeling at home in her home and happy.

We ate the best fried shrimp EVER.

Yesterday, I sent my aunt a message and asked if I could share my uncle's fried shrimp "recipe". Everything in it is "to taste", of course. My uncle was an excellent cook and dashed in the seasonings as he saw fit. My aunt was more than happy to share his fried shrimp recipe and I'm pretty sure my uncle would have loved that I passed it on to you.

-Clean and devein the shrimp.
-Cut the shrimp a little deeper as you devein them ("butterflying").
-Make an egg mixture with eggs, milk and water.
-Make a cracker meal breading using LANCE'S CRACKER MEAL. (They used this kind because it was very fine.)
-Pour out a mound of the cracker meal and season it with salt, pepper and OLD BAY SEASONING.
-Dip the shrimp in the egg mixture and in the breading mixture (pat the shrimp down in them to coat them really well) and fry to golden brown.

So, remember, Lance's Cracker Meal and Old Bay Seasoning.

Here, I'll make your grocery list:

1. Lance's Cracker Meal
2. Old Bay Seasoning
3. Eggs
4. Milk
5. SHRIMP!
6. People magazine

That seasoning definitely makes the difference because these shrimp ARE GOOD.  I have eaten many different kinds and love theirs the best. Those at The Fish Place are a very close second. (No, they're not paying me. Yet. I may pitch to be their spokesperson. I could stand at the roadside in a big fish costume with a hook hanging out of my mouth to try to LURE people in to their restaurant. Like that one?)

Though I never really fry anything at home (except for fried green tomatoes every now and then- don't even get me started about how uppity I am over the preparation of fried green tomatoes), I think I will start frying some shrimp sometimes. The shrimp frying family tradition was a good one.

Next time I eat them, though, I'll be sure to have some Kleenex.

And a glass of sun tea.








*The title, of course, is in reference to Trisha Yearwood's 1993 song "The Song Remembers When" for all of you non-country music listenin' folks.*





________________________________

And now...


Thanks for linking up each week! If you are new, Anna and I are glad you are here. We'd love to read your new or old funny stuff, so link up what you'd like!

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Top 9 Reasons Atari Is Better Than Your Kid's Game System

Dear Awesome People,

My week is REALLY crazy right now. I just wanted to drop in and let you know that I have a post over at NickMom called Top 9 Reasons Atari Should Be The Only Game System Again. I'd want to be your BFF if you checked it out. I'd at least want to buy you a Cinnabon. 

Please tell me you remember Atari. My favorite game was Ms. Pac-Man and, actually, it still is... Every time I seen an arcade, I frantically look around for my homegirl, Ms. PM, and then beg someone for quarters. If I am not able to find any, I shine shoes for some change. That's how much she means to me. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'd knock people down to get to her.

Source

I even wrote a post about my good friend, Yellow Sphere (my name for her), back in June 2010 called Ms. Pac-Man & Me.

Well, I better be going. My 4-year-old son peed on the windowsill last night while he was sleepwalking, so I need to clean that up.

Thanks for stopping by!

Your friend,
Kelley


P.S. What was your favorite Atari game??


What kind of person are YOU in a rainy parking lot?

It has been raining A LOT in the Houston area lately. Over 16 inches of rain fell last week. This has been pretty bad for many, many people.  And their houses.

And their horses.

See?

"Neigh! I didn't neigh there was a river anywhere neigh by. Why have
you neigh-ver taken me here before?! You know I love rivers!
I'm neigh-ver talking to you again! Neigh-neigh-neigh-ver!"
Source



This is the kind of stuff you expect from Texas, right?

All of this rain has left me with plenty of opportunities to watch people in rainy parking lots. Most of the time, my favorite game while sitting in a parking lot is  playing the "What does that person do for a living?" game, but lately it has been just watching people trying to get to their cars while kamikaze rain pellets fall on their heads.

And labeling them. (The people, not the rain pellets.)

Which one of these titles fits the way you act in a rainy parking lot, if you aren't toting young children with you? If you are pushing a stroller, well, that's a whole 'nother story. If you always have an umbrella for yourself and  your eight family members stowed away in a compartment of your purse, well, you probably won't identify with any of these people. Why are you trying to make me look bad?


THE SHERLOCK HOLMES
The alternate title for this type of rain runner is "The Sleuth". You see, this guy or girl takes extra wide, TIP-TOED steps. The tippy-toe walk is meant to preserve their shoes, apparently, and keep them from totally sloshing through rain puddles like a barbarian. Sherlock's legs and tip-toes prance forward while the rest of his body follows seconds later. Sherlocks probably think they're covering a lot more ground than the rest of us in a dignfied manner and are better than us all. If you must know, I noticed my husband was a Sherlock today.


THE GENTLEMAN
Although you may not notice it, The Gentleman has an invisible pipe in his right hand. When you aren't looking, he puffs on it like he's Rhett Butler or something. Women can also be "The Gentleman" in the rain, but they typically have long, invisible, skinny cigarettes. The Gentleman is in NO RUSH to make it through the rain and cares not that his or her head is being pelted by a gazillion kamikaze rain drops. He WILL NOT be made to look like a fool just because a tsunami is closing in around him. (This particular character was named after Wendi Aarons, who has declared herself a gentleman earlier today in response to a rain-runner tweet I wrote.)


THE FORREST GUMP
I spotted The Forrest Gump in a parking lot just today during a rainstorm. Just the thought of it makes me laugh out loud and it's been hours ago since I saw the dude. Think back to a heavily bearded Forrest running like the wind. Now imagine him running like that through a rainy parking lot, but even faster than he was running in the movie. The Forrest Gump wants to make it to his car in record time and he will hurdle over puddles, or maybe even shopping carts, like a dingdang Olympian to get there. He wants you to notice his speed, too. He wants you to be impressed.


THE PAPER HEAD
The Paper Head always curses herself over forgetting her umbrella. (Most Paper Heads are women.) She is always thankful when she can find a newspaper or store ads to place just so over her mop. Back in the '80s, there were Paper Heads EVERYWHERE, as the risk of damaging one's Aqua Net-infused bangs were just too great without the presence of that paper. Paper Heads always feel REALLY dumb for running around with an 8 x 11 shield over their heads and usually fall into the driver's seat looking like an elephant sprayed them with her trunk.


THE HOT MESS
The Hot Mess doesn't want to run too fast (she's afraid she'll fall), doesn't want to hold paper over head (and she couldn't find any anyway), refuses to tip-toe like a stinking detective (please!) and will not just stroll through the rain like the oblivious gentleman. No, what The Hot Mess does is run SHRIEKING through the parking lot and will sometimes flutter her arms like a newborn bird.  Once inside her dry car, she will continue to shriek a little and will frantically look around for a towel, which she will not find. After a few minutes, she'll post something on Facebook about the awful rain.




Are you on this list anywhere?



Can you still sell parents at garage sales? (And a giveaway of some super cute stuff that I didn't make because I'm not talented at all)

Think jazz hands.

Now, think leotards.

And hairspray.

And "5, 6, 7, 8!"

Those are some things I think about when I think of my friend, Kara. I met Kara during my first year of college in 1993-94 when we were on a dance team together. (Go ahead and roll your eyes.) Kara was so, so kind and laughed easily. I am pretty sure she might have laughed at some of my jokes. I always looked forward to talking with her and making sure I did my split leaps at the same exact moment as she did.


Think The Cranberries and "Linger" playing loudly on your radio.

Now, think boy crushes.

And laughing so hard your side hurts.

And "and 1 and 2 and 3 and 4!"

Those are some of the things I think about when I think of my friend, Amanda. She was from the same high school as Kara. I met Amanda during that same year on the dance team. I learned how to use liquid eyeliner from Amanda. We lost touch for a while after we both left the small school and went to large universities.

Pre-Facebook, I used to think about Kara and Amanda and wonder where they went. Every time I heard "Linger", I wondered if Amanda had gotten married or had kids or was working somewhere she loved. I knew Kara had at least married, as she met the man of her dreams right out of high school...or close to it!

Thanks to Facebook, I have found them both.  (I'm pretty sure they're super bummed about it, though.) I'm sure you all have similar stories of friends you lost touch with and then found again on Facebook, right?

Amanda is a school teacher, is married and has the CUTEST little girl.

Kara used to be a school teacher, is married, has 3 adorable kids and now lives in Kentucky. She finds herself in front of a sewing machine a lot. And sometimes with a little nugget in her lap. Isn't that the sweetest thing? I have NO IDEA how to use a sewing machine. I doubt I could stitch a straight line.



Kara not only stitches a straight line, she makes fancy things with her sewing machine AND can crochet, too. She has started her own company, Leighlee by Kara Orr (her middle name is Leigh), and sells SUPER CUTE stuff.  Because I think Kara is awesome, I thought it would be fun to introduce her to you all AND have her generously give one of these precious things to one of you. I went through her Facebook page and picked a few of my favorites. She can custom make any of these items, of course. She's sort of like a magician.


Doll ($30)



Kindle cover ($25)



iPad cover ($30)



Owl ($25)



Cupcake hat ($25)



Yoga mat bag ($35)




Owl iPhone case ($18)



Tea towel ($20)



I LOVE THE TEA TOWEL. I'm totally going to buy that tea towel for me and maybe for future gifts. It reminds me of Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree.

See? Source


This Giving Tree talk sent me on a Shel Silverstein tangent and resulted in me eventually finding this Digby & Iona GIVING TREE RING. Actually, the proper name is "Stump Ring", but I don't like the word stump.

$210


LOVE. IT.

But, not as much as Kara's stuff.


If you are interested in benefitting from Kara's GIVING SPREE (see what I did there?) by having her custom make one of those items above for you (except for that stump ring, as I think, and don't quote me, but I think metal is really hard to make with a sewing machine), put your name and info into the Rafflecopter below. I will leave it up for about a week and contact you if you are the lucky one! You can, of course, order any of her items at any time. You can find her on Facebook here.

And, now I leave you with my favorite Shel Silverstein poem that I recited in front of my entire school when I was in the fifth grade during the Prose & Poetry contest because I was a big nerd:

Clarence

Clarence Lee from Tennessee
Loved the commercials he saw on TV.
He watched with wide believing eyes
And bought everything they advertised --
Cream to make his skin feel better
Spray to make his hair look wetter
Bleach to make his white things whiter
Stylish jeans that fit much tighter.
Toothpaste for his cavities,
Powder for his doggie's fleas,
Purple mouthwash for his breath,
Deodorant to stop his sweat.
He bought each cereal they presented,
Bought each game that they invented.
Then one day he looked and saw
'A brand-new Maw, a better Paw!
New, improved in every way --
Hurry, order yours today!'
So, of course, our little Clarence
Sent off for two brand-new parents.
The new ones cam in the morning mail,
*The old ones he sold at a garage sale.

And now they all are doing fine:
His new folks treat him sweet and kind,
His old ones work in an old coal mine.
So if your Maw and Paw are mean,
And make you eat your lima beans
And make you wash and make you wait
And never let you stay up late
And scream and scold and preach and pout,
That simply means they're wearing out.
So send off for two brand-new parents
And you'll be happy as little Clarence.

*My favorite line.

Can you still sell parents at garage sales? Anyone know? Not sure if that is legal anymore or what. I always see parents sitting at garage sales and never know if they are actually for sale, you know? I once tried to pick one up with a dolly and she swatted me in the back of the head. It turns out she was just sitting in a chair resting, but I thought she came with the chair. I was so embarrassed. I had big plans for that purchase, too. I thought she'd be cute on my front porch. I was planning to dress her for all of the different holidays, you know? So, yeah, if you know anything about the current stance on selling parents in garage sales, let me know.

My kids were asking me the other day, but I can't imagine why.

    
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Where I Blog/Tweet/Spy on the Neighbors (and "Finding the Funny" #25)

In preparing to sell our house, we had to have some pictures taken.  I don't think I have told my sons "Just go sit down and don't touch ANYTHING!" more often than I did in the last two days.

One of the pictures that was taken was of our study. I remember once that Alison from Mama Wants This took a picture of where her blog magic happens. Now, with Alison, there truly is blog magic. She's like Alison Copperfield, but with me? Yeah, no magic. I'm more like Kelley Isnotmagic. (I couldn't think of a magician's name that didn't do magic, you know? I hate when analogies don't work out.) Kelley Copperfield is a much cuter name... *stares longingly out the window while tears well up in her eyes*

Because I enjoyed seeing where Alison wrote her posts, I thought you might want to see where I write mine.

(Can you please pretend like you do?)


DISCLAIMER: Before we got the house ready to sell, I PROMISE you that the study didn't look ANYTHING like this picture right now. My desk was COVERED with books, papers, pictures and greeting cards I forgot to give out, as was my husband's. For many months, there were boxes and books all over the floor, as we sometimes used this as a room to stash things. A little girl down the street used to come by and say, "Is your study clean yet?" because it never would be when she visited and I'd always tell her, "It'll be clean the NEXT time you come over." It usually wasn't. She'd let me know, too.

#1: My husband's desk. THIS is where I write my posts most of the time. It's really my desk, too. And the boys' desk. I like to use it because I'm too lazy to get out the laptop. Normally, my husband's desk is covered in papers and crumbs from the boys' snacks they're not supposed to eat in there. They're not supposed to drink in there, either, but ONE day, a cup was found on the desk. This made my husband grumpy. Maybe you remember the practical joke I played on him?

#2: The window. Sometimes when I am sitting in my husband's chair, I look like a yak's armpit. My neighbors always seem to want to mow their yard when I am looking very, very yak-like. They'll just mow and mow and mow on that little strip of grass in between our houses like it's the dang Amazon and I never know if I should wave or pretend I'm really engrossed in the screen.

"HEY, NEIGHBOR!! A YAK HASN'T MOVED IN NEXT DOOR!! HAHAHA!!! IT'S JUST ME!! HAHAHA!!! DON'T MIND ME! KEEP MOWING! HAHAHAHA!!"


#3: My hummingbird pillow. I bought this pillow at west elm after my mother said, "Kelley, you don't need that pillow. Where are you going to put that pillow? Does that even go with anything in your house?" I think those questions made me want that pillow even more, so I bought it and stuck it there. So bratty of me.

#4: Extra huge wrought iron glasses. I bought these glasses at Pottery Barn. It was another bratty purchase. When I am shopping, which is very rare because I don't like shopping (see Home Depot), a very, very small version of my husband sits on my right shoulder and says things like, "Kelley, you don't need that. You are going to pay that for some big glasses? It'll just collect dust!" It turns out he never said anything about them. Yet.

#5: IKEA These desks are from IKEA. I saw an article via Twitter recently about how IKEA desks are the "wood-based equivalent of mystery meat".
...but dorm rooms, group houses, and respectable living rooms across the country are furnished with the wood-based equivalent of mystery meat: dirt-cheap dressers, desks, tables, and cabinets made from chopped-up wood of indeterminate, and potentially troubling, origin. Source
Uh-oh. Okay, that's it. I'm chopping these desks to bits as soon as we move. (Totally kidding. I heart IKEA and their Swedish meatballs.)

#6: Bluebirds The realtor said I needed to clear all personal pictures and all of the paperbacks from the shelves to leave more open space. So, there went all of my old Babysitter's Club, Sweet Valley High and Ramona Quimby books. Boo. Given all of the empty space, I had to find something to fill it up. Hence, the bluebirds. I bought them two days ago at a store where my 4-year-old kept trying to smell all the candles. He's a smellaholic. He buries his face in each and every one, "Smell dis one, Mommy. Dat smells dood, right, Mom?". He  almost broke one, which caused me to contort my face in a most unattractive way AND caused the owner to descend upon us like a Edward Cullen, except she was an old woman. I miss you, paperbacks. The birds aren't as fun to read.

#7: There is no "7" because I don't know how to count.

#8: Photo Albums All the photo albums that I didn't keep up with used to be there. I feel more free now since they're not staring at me, but now that I've brought the blasted things up, I'm hyperventilating. I'm typing and hyperventilating simultaneously. I am a pretty good multi-tasker, I must admit.

#9: THE LINES!!!!! The floors have GOT to have those lines when people come to look at the house. The house could have rhinos sitting in the bathtub and chimpanzees hanging out in the pantry but STILL sell if there are good lines in the carpet. I am hoping that is true, anyway.  It doesn't look like I am going to get those rhinos out of the bathtub any time soon. Dang it. One just pooped on the carpet.


I'd love to see where you write! Wanna share a picture? Take one and send it to me at kelleysbreakroom@gmail.com. I will feature them in an upcoming post!

In addition to writing this post at that desk, I also wrote "Top 9 Reasons We Should Be Glad We're Not Moms in the 1980s", which is being featured over at NickMom this week. You can find it by clicking here. Thanks!



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 And now...


Link up new funny stuff. Link up old funny stuff.
It will show up here and over at Anna's place.
Thanks for making us laugh!!


Most Clicked Links from Last Week

#1 - So you want to buy a house? Kirb Appeal

#2 - Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? (Hint: Johnny Depp) ODNT

#3 - Puberty Talk Fail Hollow Tree Ventures

#4 - Lessons Learned by Seeing Magic Mike Let Me Start By Saying...

#5 - Sex in spanx & other WTF searches for my blog Honest Mom

See the Favorites!

Kim at The Fordeville Diaries is sharing her FIVE favorite posts from last week's party (and maybe a few honorable mentions).

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Visit The Fordeville Diaries to see if you were one of Kim's favorites!


The Top 3 Things I Hated About Camping That Had Nothing To Do With Tents, Dirt or Mosquitoes

Today I am over at Four Plus An Angel talking about the Top 3 Things I Hated About Camping That Had Nothing To Do With Tents, Dirt or Mosquitoes.

Jessica, the author behind this awesome blog, asked me to write about a fun/favorite summer memory and I go and bring the word "hate" into it. Gah.

Here's the deal: I don't hate camping. I actually LIKE camping. I even like camping IN TENTS. So, this memory about the three things I hated is actually a good memory. Sort of. I enjoyed the time I spent with my family. I just hated these three things.

You'll see.

While you are reading my little story, you'll notice that you are over at a blog that is more serene than mine. Jessica is the author behind Four Plus An Angel and just exudes, I don't know...kindness. Sincerity. Emotion. Her blog is truly an inspiration. She writes all sorts of uplifting posts, but some will bring tears to your eyes. If you are not familiar with Jessica and her story, you'll want to spend some time reading about Hadley. Her story can be found in the navigation bar at the top of the blog. Hadley is Jessica's angel and she is beautiful. You can also read more about Jessica's other four beautiful children, including one with autism.

If you need a ride to Jessica's place, you can click here. Don't worry about putting on your seatbelt, because, like, blogs don't have seatbelts. (You really thought blogs had seatbelts? WOW.)


Embarrassing Stories That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud. Promise.

Back in March, I wrote the post "Top 9 Most Embarrassing Things My Kid Has Said About a Stranger Who's Standing About Four Inches Away From Us" for NickMom. On a weekly basis, new comments are added to this post. It has been shared on Facebook 753 times! Apparently, we all know some stories about kids saying embarrassing things. I haven't even gotten through half of the stories, but I fully intend to do that soon. I definitely encourage you to do the same! They are soooo funny. As I was reading through them, some just really made me laugh out loud. My face hurts right now even! I thought I'd share some with you...


Picture from NickMom.
#1: My 3 year old son and I were visiting our neighbor, Mr. Nelson, who had just had his leg amputed. My son always carried his stuffed animal with a missing leg with him. Mr. N asked what the toy's name was and, after careful consideration, my son answered.......Mr. Nelson. Mrs. Nelson nearly fell out of her chair laughing." (Megan Farrell)

#2: "When my daughter was 'newly' potty trained, I was using the restroom at the mall. She gets the toilet paper for me and when I say 'thank you' and try to take it from her she says (loudly), "No, Mommy, bend over and I will wipe you." She was so proud of herself for trying to help me. My face was red and I could hear chuckles all around me." (Nichole Trexler)

#3: "My brother was about 4 years old, when at church one evening after the collection, he stood on the pew and said, "We paid, can we go now?" (Kathi Manteuffel Seidl)

#4: My grandson was about 3-years-old when we went to visit his aunt at a rest home. There was a lady there with one leg in a wheel chair. He kept trying to look up her pant leg and I asked him what he was looking for. He asked the lady, "What happened to your leg?" She told him, "I ate too much candy and they took it." His eyes got big and his mouth formed a perfect O. My granddaughter was there and said, "I ain't eatin' no more candy!" (Terry Thomas)

#5: I know I'm late to the game, but how about this one: When my son was about three, he walked up to another mom who was sitting on the ground, grabbed her breasts, and loudly asked, "Are these your breasts? Are they private on you, too?" I just wanted a hole to swallow me up. (Rachel Wolfson Thomas of the blog, "Miss Rachel".)

#6: "I was visiting an aquarium and had stopped to look at an exhibit, and I heard a little girl of 3 or 4 nearby say, "Oh look, a little Mama." I happen to be very petite and have dealt with jokes and comments all my life - too many not so nice. However, this absolutely was the sweetest comment I had ever received about my height. It was an honest observation. It was innocent - there was no guile, evil intent, or insult intended. It was truly the pure innocence of a child and I had to smile." (Barbara Corry)

#7: "We were in a clinic waiting room filled with people when an edlerly man came in and sat down across from us. Our son had just lost his first tooth and had a visit from the tooth fairy the night before. He was showing and telling eveyone there about his tooth and his quarter. The elderly man looked across at me, smiled and winked, then proceeded to remove his false teeth and give our son a big grin. Our son's eyes got really huge and he blurted out, "Wow, you got lots of money from the tooth fairy!" Everyone in the waiting room exploded with laughter. The elderly man was tickled pink and said that was the best laugh he had had all day." (Pamela Tovar)

#8: My son Bradley (then age 3) was going to a pre-daycare and had a little friend named Adam that he loved to play cars and color with. They got along just great until one day I got a call from the school telling me to come and pick-up Bradley because there had been an "incident with another child." Naturally worried I drove to the school expecting the worse. I got there and both Bradley, Adam along with Adam's mother were waiting in the office. I was then informed that my son had actually Bit Adam three times! I was stunned, as my son had never done this before and really liked Adam. So, I asked him why he would do such a thing to his friend. He looked at me with his big blue eyes and replied ever so innocently, "I wanted to see if he tasted like chicken!" Adam's mother and even the principal started to laugh! (Missi Lynn Bonness-Artist)

#9: When I was in fourth grade, it was open house night at school. I went to visit my third grade teacher whom I loved. When I walked in her room, it was full of parents and kids, she was standing in the middle. I walked up to her, gave her a hug, and loudly proclaimed, "Hey! You wore the same dress last year!" She turned beet red, pulled me to the side, and then quietly explained that some people cannot afford to buy new clothes all the time. I'm 26, and I still cringe and cover my face in shame when I think about that. (Aundrea Bailey)

Do you have a favorite??

 

You can find my original post and all of the stories here. It's been fun to see people post it on their Facebook walls and hear hilarious stories from their friends about the embarrassing things kids say.


What My Husband Spends His Money On During the Course of a Year (and "Finding the Funny" #24!)

Before I go any further, know that my husband and I regularly joke around. That is just how our relationship is at its best. We don't ALWAYS joke around, but we make each other laugh and it is sometimes at the other's expense. We usually know when enough is enough. When we don't, we get out of the pool, walk over to the beach chair, pout for a while, wait for the other to see the pouting and then, when the pouting goes unnoticed, ask the other if they saw the pouting and why they didn't respond to the pouting. (This last sentence may be based on actual events.)

Here is an example of our banter, which you may have seen in a tweet of mine last week:
Me (on a scale): I HATE YOUR FACE, SCALE!
Him: Is it supposed to smoke like that?
*We both laugh*
(He's lucky I have a sense of humor.)

See what I mean?

(By the way, I'm on SlimFast right now. It's not because of his "smoking" comment, I just was ready to drink low calorie drinks for breakfast and lunch EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I'm enjoying it. Can you tell. Can you hear the glee in my voice.)

Anyway, I thought I should point out the "we're just joking" bit before anyone took me too seriously. My Some eCard about my husband's 5-step plan for cleaning the kitchen offended some, I think. My husband is awesome and helps in TONS of other ways- just not in the kitchen. For the record, I know lots of men clean that lots of things in a house, such as my own dad. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, vacuums, mows the yard, etc. So, yeah, men are awesome. This is not a men-bashing blog, FYI. I've got two little men running around my house and I love them with all of my heart.

But, back to my husband. 

I made a little chart about him:





He loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooves fireworks.

Can you tell?

He used to save some through the year when he was younger. He had a drawer full that his mother discovered once. He wasn't Timothy McVeigh or anything. He just liked to blow little stuff up.

When he's ready to shell out the cash, he's in front of the fireworks stand. My only request is that he comes back with some sparklers and some bang snaps for the boys and me. And maybe a smoke bomb. He usually comes back with the rest of the fireworks stand. If he could, he'd fit the whole plywood structure, complete with shady looking fireworks seller guy, in the back of the SUV.

When I asked him earlier what he spent his money on the most, he looked at me and said, "What do you think? Y'all and lunch."

You'll notice the "us" sliver is quite small, which, of course, is a joke.

It should be smaller.

That was also a joke. He spends lots of money on us. Obviously. He also spends money on charitable causes, too. I saw you giving him a dirty look. Gotta stand up for my man.

(Unless I'm the one making fun of him. You know how that goes.)

But, yeah, he loves those fireworks.

And lunch.

I'm not really joking about that "lunch" sliver of the pie. Whenever we are driving through town, I will see a restaurant I'd like to try and, 9 times out of 10, he's been there before. With work people. It's like they're living it up at lunch.

"PARTY AT LUNCH!!! WHO'S IN?? WOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!" they must all shout out at 11:52 a.m.

Oh, well.

At least he got me some sparklers.

And bang snaps.


(He forgot the smoke bomb.)








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And now...


Anna and I are excited you all stop by here to share your funny on Wednesdays. Reading your stuff is a bright spot in the week, for sure. If you haven't linked up before, know that your post can be something you've written recently or in the past. When you stop by the other blogs, please let them know you found them through "Finding the Funny"! Happy Fourth of July, everyone! 


Most Clicked Links from Last Week

#1 - Journey to the Bottom of my Purse ODNT

#2 - Throwing it Down with Spanx The Mom of the Year

#3 - Dressing Room Mirror Bitch Slap Let Me Start By Saying... In the Powder Room

#4 - I Feel a Thong Coming On Wrestling with Retirement

#5 - Tie - Named after Christ and Looking for a Jewish Guy Outlaw Mama

#5 - Tie - SHE vs. HIM: Ready Actual Times May Vary


My Top 8 Scents If I Owned A Candle Factory

It's not Warm Vanilla Sugar Cookie Sprinkles or Cinnamon and Spice and Whatnot or Ocean Breeze. No, ma'am and no, sir. I think the Yankees up there working at the Yankee Candle Company have got all of those more than covered. Those Yankees, who, by the way, have infiltrated the south with their candles and are everywhere you look! They even have their own storefronts way down here in Texas AND THEY'RE EVEN IN CRACKER BARREL!!!

I've yet to find a barrel of crackers there. Source


(Please don't tell me Cracker Barrels exist up north. They play country music inside them, for goodness sakes. People up north don't like country music, right? People up north don't know any Kenny Rogers or Crystal Gayle or Dolly Parton or Kenny Chesney songs, right? Please don't shake my worldview.)
(I just checked and Cracker Barrel DOES exist up north. Delaware even has one!!! WHAT?! Do they play country music in the Cracker Barrel in DELAWARE???)
(I once left my purse at a Cracker Barrel in Florida on a roadtrip back to Texas when I was a teenager. They mailed it back to me. I heart you, Cracker Barrel. I heart you and those checkers. And those biscuits. Also those rocking chairs, but mostly those biscuits. And your honesty.)
(With all of these parentheses, I'm feeling a bit like Megan from Best of Fates, who you should totally check out. She always makes me laugh.) 

Okay, anyway, we were talking about the Yankees, right? The Yankees and those candles they make? Well, none of those scents would be made in MY candle factory. Also, my candles would be REAL CANDLES. None of that Scentsy business. No, my candles will be lit with a match or a blowtorch. Careful with the blowtorch, though. That could melt your hand right off.

The scents at MY candle factory wouldn't be able to be found at any other location in person or on-line, either, because, well, they're a little risky. Who wants to make tons of candles that no one buys?? I'm not worried about it, though. If no one wants to buy my candle scents, well, I'll just have plenty to burn from now until I kick the bucket. (Fingers crossed they let you bring in your own candles to the nursing home and allow matches. I bet they don't allow matches. Dang it.)

You may have a million candle scents, BUT YOU AIN'T GOT MINE, YOU FUNNY-TALKIN' *YANKEES!! Source


Here they are:

OFFICE DEPOT
This is not only the fragrant smell of reams of paper, much like you might catch when walking through Barnes & Noble, there is also a hint of a hot laminating machine mixed in it. If I told you what exactly made up the mysterious aroma of the Office Depot candle, well, I'd give away my secrets and the pathway to the millions I will make with these candles. My next set of candles will include a Barnes & Noble scent, which is much like Office Depot, except take away the laminating machine scent and add coffee.


CRAYONS
Mmm. Mmm. Mmmmmm... Nothing quite as intoxicating as the smell of a crayon, now is there? Peel that paper back and take a good long whiff. When I was younger, I babysat for a family that drove a BMW with leather seats. I promise you that those leather seats in that BMW smelled like crayons. I never wanted to get out of that car. They thought it was because I liked babysitting for their kids, but that wasn't it, folks. The smell of crayons. That was what kept me coming back for my $2 an hour.


GAS STATION
Although not much makes me crazier than a gas pump that won't spit the gas in my tank fast, sometimes I actually don't mind a mutant gas tank. It allows me to stand outside of my car and inhale that lovely scent. I know I'm not the only one who is tempted to dab a little gasoline on my wrists and behind my ears. Who's with me?


 HAIR SALON
The hair salon and all of its shampoos, conditioners and coloring chemicals is just about irresistible. I'm sometimes tempted to walk into a SuperCuts while yelling, "TRAIN ME! I'M READY!" just so I can enjoy the fragrances day in and day out. If it weren't for my past experiences butchering my own bangs, I might do it. I just don't want to risk ruining someone's entire life with my scissors.

NEW CAR
You like this one, too, right? It makes you feel like your car is fresh and really far from ever having any expensive repairs. New car is awfully close to New House, a candle I will roll out the next time around, but not quite the same. Only the trained nose can really distinguish between the two. I have feeling you can.


FRESH PAINT
I'm not talking about huffing paint now. Please don't imagine me with silver paint all around my nose and cheeks. I do like the smell of Fresh Paint, though. Fresh Paint and New House actually smell a lot alike, except New House has a hint of New Carpet mixed in it. These little nuances matter in my candle factory.

MIMEOGRAPH INK
Shelly from La Tejana, a really well-written, thought-provoking and fun blog to read, mentioned the smell from the "mimeograph" machines from the 1980s in the comments below. This machines were what was used to make copies and the ink from them was purple.  I TOTALLY REMEMBER THAT, SHELLY! I love that smell so much that I am adding it to this installment of candle scents. I remember a boy named Steven who sat in the first seat of my row in second grade, which would've been around 1982. When he got the stack of papers to pass back, he'd hold the warm papers in his hands and just bury his nose in them to smell that purple ink. My teacher was always saying, "PASS THOSE PAPERS BACK, STEVEN! STOP SMELLING THEM ALREADY!" I don't blame him. That stuffed smelled delicious. Give me a bite of that stack of addition worksheets.


RUBBING ALCOHOL
Okay, since I added the mimeograph scent, I am adding one more. Rubbing alcohol. It reminds me of my mom cleaning my ears when the hole from my pierced ear got infected. I would lay my head on her lap and just let her clean my ear with a cotton ball and rubbing alcohol. It made me feel loved. Rubbing Alcohol candle might be my favorite one yet.




Would you like to go ahead and place an order for one of those lovely candles? Is there a candle YOU would like to see made that you haven't seen those YANKEES or SCENTSY LADIES brewing up?



*I really have nothing against Yankees. I sometimes just like to impersonate a redneck.
__________________________________

I also have a pie chart over at nickmom titled, "Where Boys Like to Pee". It would make my day if you checked it out! Thanks in advance to all that do. Free candles and some Cracker Barrel biscuits and also one of those rocking chairs and a handful of caramel candies and the frog salt and pepper shakers for you!


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