You're wearing pantyhose, aren't you?

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It has come to my attention that some of you are walking around the Break Room without pantyhose.  You waltz right in to my little area of the world with bare legs and I'm not sure if I can take any more of your disrespect.  PUT SOME DADGUM HOSE ON THOSE LEGS.  Be sure to shave, though, for crying out loud.  Nothing worse than a lady stuffing her legs inside some hose and then looking down to see hair sticking out of them all cock-eyed or, even worse, tons of hair mashed inside of them.  Yuck, ladies.  Shave.  Shave the legs.  Also, I absolutely INSIST that you wear hose with sandals.  Do you think I want to see your toes all splayed out in your sweaty sandals?  No, ma'am!  Shove those sweaty toes in some stockings, dagnabbit! 

Just kidding.

I like to go on fake rampages sometimes.  I like to act like this is a real Break Room with a real chair and real Cokes.  I like to pretend I'm the big boss that calls impromptu staff meetings like Michael Scott and Andy Bernard. 

Let's get semi-serious now.

There are three main times that pantyhose cross my mind at all.  You may find your mind wandering to these little nylon wonders much more often.  Because I love you like I do, I want to hear your love story with Leggs.  Since I am the one talking first, though, can I tell you about the times I reflect on these little black, tan, white, cream, navy and NUDE wonders?  ("Nude" is my least favorite color name of all.  I always want to tell "nude" to put some clothes on already.)

#1 When I see the "hosiery" aisle:

Picture of the hose aisle came from here.

For the record that no one is keeping, I am not a fan of the word "hosiery".  Hosiery.  Hosiery.  Hosiery.  Hosiery.  "I need some more hosiery."  "I need to update my hosiery collection."  Do people say that?  No, thanks.  I have a fear that someone will say "hoeshurry".  The potential "sh" makes me cringe and almost flat out ruins my day.  I like "pantyhose", though I know some call them "stockings" or "nylons".  My mom calls them "hose".  "I need some more hose."  Any way you say it, there are a bunch of them at every drug store I've ever come across.  Boxes and boxes of them. Fifty shades of cream.  Fifty shades of black.  You guessed it, fifty shades of grey.  (I have never read those books, FYI.  I just heard about the dingdang things yesterday.)  Somebody is buying them, but I never see anyone in that aisle.  As I look for my eyeliner in the very fancy make-up section of Walgreens, I see the "hoeshurry" out of the corner of my eye.  For a second, I can hear their voices playing out the scene in the picture above.  I can't help but think of pantyhose when the blasted things are talking so much at the store.




#2 When I'm dressed up in front of my grandmother:

Source

If you opened the top drawer of my dresser, you would still find some Sheer Energy.  With my awesome "runner" patching power (using clear nail polish, of course), I can keep pantyhose around for ages.  I have them in there somewhere.  I also have black tights to wear during the winter with skirts or something. Although I still have some black pantyhose in my drawer, I can't tell you the last time I wore them.  (Subconsciously, I am probably saving them for a bank robbery someday.)  I most definitely haven't worn "nude" pantyhose in forever.  Knee-highs?  Nowhere to be found.  My grandmother rocks the hose and the knee-highs, though.  She rocks those nylons.  When I saw her this past weekend while I was dressed up, she looked at me approvingly and then said, "You're wearing pantyhose, aren't you?", even though I had on strappy sandals.  She just knew I would say yes, I think.  She knew I would be the girl that wasn't walking around putting the entire family to shame with bare legs under a skirt.  I let her down.  I let the grandmother down.  She didn't reprimand me or anything.  She is not that way.  But, deep inside, I know the grandmother was disappointed her oldest granddaughter wasn't wearing any hose. Hose. HOSE. (Weird word.)


#3 When I see them with open-toed sandals

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It is hard not to let my mind drift to pantyhose when I see them in open-toed sandals.  There are many, many, many women out there fond of this look.  Maybe you are one of them.  No judgement here!  I know women of a certain era especially find it hard to leave the house without their stockings.

By the way, did you even know that there was such a thing as sandal-toe hose?? That last picture is for the woman who loves her some hose but wants her leg and foot in a nylon glove. I actually found the last picture on Hijab Trendz. (You can like them on Facebook here if you are interested in the latest hijab fashion.) 

Ladies AND gentleman, I would LOVE to know your take on pantyhose.  I would love to know what you call them AND if you still wear them (or, men, if the ladies in your life still wear them) with skirts and dresses, especially in the summer.  Maybe I should still be rocking the NUDE HOSE?

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If you haven't linked up a current or past humor post of yours for Finding the Funny, it's not too late!  Go here.

Finding the Funny...on my road trip to Florida

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As you may have read on Friday, I set out for Florida with my parents and grandmother for my dear uncle's funeral on Saturday morning at 3 a.m.  We got back home last night.  I suppose it is fitting that I return to the blogosphere on the "Finding the Funny" link-up day.  Finding the humor in life is absolutely essential to getting through every day.  The picture slideshow of my uncle at his memorial service included pictures of him smiling and laughing, which was comforting to us all.  During the very sad days over the weekend, I saw my aunt, the one who lost her best friend and husband, smile and laugh.  There were tears.  Lots of tears, but...I saw her smile.  Memories and stories of vibrant days in the past will help her, and those that loved my uncle, get through the sad days ahead.  But, in the spirit of "finding the funny", in the spirit of finding happiness in the midst of pain, I thought I'd share with you some of the pictures from our road trip.  Things that made me smile.

This!  On the way to Florida, we made lots of stops.  When we made a stop in an Alabama gas station and I saw all of these beauties, I smiled.  Someone out there has a huge collection of shot glasses from every state, or bells, or piggy banks...snow globes, mugs.  Thimbles!  Someone has lots of thimbles.  Salt & pepper shakers, too.  But, seriously, you can get all your gift shopping done at truck stops and gas stations in the South. Someone need Skoal? They've got it! Is pork rinds more their thing? They've got that, too! Maybe cigarettes is more up their alley? They're stocked with them!  Perhaps they've been begging for Big League Chew? They've got TONS!

Maybe alligator merchandise is something they'd love?  Actually, all of the alligator merchandise in a Lousiana tourist shop first made me recoil and then smile.  I guess I'm not  surprised so many of those alligator tooth necklaces are decorated with the Confederate flag.  The lady working there pointed out a small alligator head for sale and said someone once bought it to stick in the toilet as a prank on his wife.  Nice, right?? 

I know it's hard to see, but those are "swamp seeds" that are also from Lousiana.  My husband likes to watch "Swamp People" sometimes and these are what they supposedly eat.  These are sunflower seeds boiled in cajun seasoning.  Mmm?

"Sometimes we go huntin', sometimes we go fishin' and sometimes....we just drive around" is my brother-in-law's favorite line from the series. Source

This was my view for about 30+ hours in the car this weekend.  We shared a lot of laughs during our trip. We ate at Cracker Barrel twice. One of my tweets from the weekend: "Me to my Dad: You need an iPad. Dad: An eyepatch?"



And, of course, all of the Florida scenery made me smile...

Baby beach birds.

Jacksonville Beach at the Atlantic Ocean.

On our way out of Florida, I begged my parents to stop at the beach in Pensacola.  The water there is crystal blue.  I stood in it for about 10 minutes before we got back on the road.  It was quiet.  It was beautiful.  The weather was cool.  It was how I imagined life might be like in heaven.

See?

 By far, the time spent with my mom, dad (above), grandmother, Aunt, cousins and family friends was definitely the best part of the whole trip.   Between sad hugs, we shared smiles, old stories and laughter.  I didn't take many pictures of all of them and am not sure they'd like their pictures on my blog anyway.  I know my dad doesn't mind.  He's all about finding the funny.  (And eyepatches.)

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Link up something new or something you wrote a long time ago below and make us all laugh!  Anna and I love reading all of the stories you post.  Thanks to those that come back week after week to share and thanks to the new faces, too!  Most put the name of their post instead of the name of their blog when they link up.  Also, if you talk about it on Twitter, please use the hashtag #findingthefunny.  :)

Most Clicked Links from Last Week

#1 - 10 Excuses Why My Kid Can't Go to Sleep Let Me Start By Saying

#2 - The Hairbrush Incident Random Handprints

#3 - Rhymes with Colonoscopy Wild Life in the Woods

#4 - Ladies Don't Poop Hairpins and Chocolate

#5 - What Did You Just Say? Michelle Mossey

My Heart Hurts. For Real.

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There has been sadness in my life this week.  I know sadness is nothing new.  Lots of things are sad, but, as you might have read in my "about the janitor" page, I don't typically focus on sadness in this blog.  I don't really want to do it now either. 

But I am.

My uncle passed away yesterday.

The uncle that used to count my freckles to see how many boys I had kissed when I was, like, seven years old.  It used to be make my face turn bright red. 

The uncle that always called me Kel-Kel.  I loved that. 


The uncle that always had wise words for me.  He would laugh and laugh and then get real serious with some wisdom.

The uncle that loved to hold my baby boys.  He'd put them on his stomach and they'd sleep there so peacefully.

The uncle that I loved to hug.

The uncle that wasn't feeling good for many years, but it still breaks my heart that he is gone.  It breaks my heart that I didn't call more.  That I didn't visit more.  He lived in Florida with my aunt and cousins.  We are in Texas.  Still, I could have called more. 

I didn't.

That breaks my heart.  This morning when I rolled over to snuggle with my warm husband, my heart broke for my aunt who cannot snuggle with her husband anymore.  She can't feel his warmth anymore.  There is no more warmth.

There are no more phone calls and words of wisdom to be spoken directly to his sons.  To his grandkids.  To his many brothers and sisters.  The out loud kind.  The ones he has spoken already will stay with them inside.  I know that.  I'm grateful for that.

I know death is natural.  I know it is a normal part of life.  I know we will all die.  I have a deep faith and know that this is not the end.

Still, it breaks my heart.

This weekend, I will travel with some family to Florida.  My sons and husband will stay behind for various reasons.  I know they would all love to be there to support my aunt, but, for this time, it is best that I go on my own.  I know it is just a few days that we will be apart, but...my heart breaks over leaving them, too.

So, as you might imagine, tears have stung my eyes on many occasions over the past couple of days.  Hot tears.  Tears that spring up out of nowhere.

My heart hurts.  My heart hurts over other people's hearts hurting worse.

So, no silliness in the Break Room today.  I am sorry.  I will be back with laughter in my voice next week. 

Love on the ones you love this weekend.  Squeeze them extra tight.  Call them and tell them so.  Let them know you appreciate them.

(I appreciate all of you.  Thank you for reading.)

7 Ways To Make Ordering at Subway More Fun

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If you go into a busy Subway around lunch time, you will find yourself waiting in line for a while.  Those Sandwich Artists can only slice into fresh bread and pile on the meat and vegetables so fast.  THEY'RE NOT ROBOTS!  So, to make your time there a bit  more pleasant and productive, here are some ideas:

#1  Do what @cheeseboy22 does: "Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

#2  Order the same exact thing the person in front of you is ordering at the exact same moment.  This makes it extra confusing for the "sandwich artist" and annoys the person in front of you all at the same time.  It is a win-win.

Stranger: "I'd like tur-"
You: "Turkey."

Stranger: "Okay.  That was weird.  Ummm...I'd also like let- "
You: "LETTUCE."

Stranger: "...and toma---"
You: "TOMATOES."

#3  Start launching chips to unsuspecting customers eating their Meatball Subs all over the store while yelling, "CHIPS ON DA HOUSE!!!"  When management approaches you after Cool Ranch Doritos, Cheetos and Sun Chips have knocked several people on the side of their heads, faint.

#4  Ask when construction will begin on the indoor kids' playground.

#5  Order "the special" and then start talking on your cell phone.  When the Subway lady impatiently asks, "What special?  What are you even talking about? What do you want on your sandwich??", start laughing really loud and hard like you are talking to Jerry Seinfeld or something.  When she asks you again, nonchalantly say "Oh, I'm sorry.  A Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Thanks!" and go back to laughing with your friend on the phone.

#6  Ask the people around you if they want to start a shoulder massage chain.

#7  When they refuse, start up a game of "Telephone" where you whisper a sentence into the person's ear in front of you and then he whispers it in the ear of the person in front of him, etc.  The last person then has to say the sentence he or she thought they heard out loud.  Start the game off with, "Schlotzsky's is better."

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I have a post up at NickMom today that I just discovered, so I'm squeezing in a link to it here.  The title is "Rules of Connect Four, as told by my 3-year-old".  You know I will want to give you a hug, a high five and the other half of my BFF necklace if you click on that link. 

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And now...

It's Finding the Funny time!  Anna and I love that you come back each week to spread your funny around.  If you haven't jumped in before, it is obviously easy to do.  Just make sure that you put the title of your post in the "name" section in the link-up form.  Also, if you refer to it on Twitter, please use the hashtag #findingthefunny.  Thanks!

Most Clicked Links from Last Week

#1 - The Loss of My Size 0 Butt... And My Dignity My Suitcase Full of Tricks

#2 - Hubby's 10 things a Man should know about Women Confessions of a Semi-Domesticated Mama

#3 - What Else is a Penis For? Untypically Jia

#4 - Baby's First Inappropriate St. Patrick's Day! Random Handprints

#5 - I Smell Abby Has Issues

A chart: "Are you spending too much time on-line??"

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Hello, my friends.  I'm only here for a minute.  I'm here long enough to share my chart on NickMom this week with you titled "Are You Spending Too Much Time On-Line?" (go HERE)...


AND


to share a transcript from a disgruntled Jimmy Dean customer named Randy Taylor.  It is probably something you have heard before, unless you are way behind the times like me and just heard about it last week. 

"Randy Taylor, I don’t know where you people come from, I don’t know if you test your products, your quality products, the products are very delicious. I loved your sausage for 30 something years. And I can’t feed a family of five on a little 12 ounce roll of sausage. I don’t mind paying you more money for your 16 ounce roll of sausage but you don’t have it anymore. You got a 12 ounce roll and you got 3 men that weigh over 200 pounds apiece, a woman that’s a little plump scotch girl and a daughter whose 13 and you’re going to try to take a 12 ounce roll of sausage and a couple of dozen eggs and feed that, it ain’t gonna work. And I’m not going to purchase your product anymore or ever again. And as far as the 16 ounce maple sage, I don’t eat that. I’m not from the north, I’m a Texan man. Jimmy Dean sausage is for southern people to eat with their breakfast; with their fried eggs and their T-Bone steaks. And I can’t feed…12 ounce package to feed 4 or 5 or 6 people. And I’m not going to buy 2 of those 12 ounce packages just because you want to down size and charge the same ******* price. I’d sure like a reply and I’d sure like you to go back to your 16 ounce package in your regular sausage cause I’m not going to buy it otherwise ever again. I’ll just have my own damn sausage made like I used to 30 something years ago. It’s not as tasty as yours is but it will work. Good bye. How is a little 12 ounce ******* roll of sausage supposed to feed your brother and me and you 600 pounds of men at least…get my point? And the two girls and put it in the ********** little sausage…son of a ******. Somebody needs their *** kicked. Some little consumer geek ****** this **** up. Save money…yeah save money, save money, **** I’m gonna eat ******* it."

Totally cracks me up.


That's all I got.  Thanks for your support over at NickMom today!!

Are you fancy?

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Take a quick glance to your right.  See the Lancome ad? Many times, websites aren't supposed to direct readers to interact with ads, but it is different in this case.  So, here's the deal: Lancome has an "age defying" product, ahem, serum, called Genifique that is supposed to make one appear more youthful within 7 days.  Now, I haven't tried the product yet, but, lawduhmercy, I could use the help.  I'm climbing the age ladder, youknowwhatimean?  Climbing. It.  Just finished dyeing the gray out of my hair tonight with a henna solution (I FINALLY found something I can use that doesn't produce an allergic reaction.)  If I live to be 100, well then, I haven't quite made it to the middle rung, but I'm on my way.  So, anyway, once you click on the Lancome picture, it will give you the option to fill out a super short form, then it will e-mail you a "Free 7-Day Sample of Genifique" coupon that you will take to a participating Lancome counter by March 31st.  Within seconds, the free sample is yours and the fountain of youth is in the very palm of your hands.  Take that, Ponce de Leon!

But, the REAL reason I am planning to claim my Lancome prize later this week?

The chance to walk up to the Lancome counter.

The chance to feel fancy.




When I think of fancy, Meredith from "The Office" pops
into my head right away.  Yours, too?  No?
Source





I have a REALLY fancy friend.  She's super fancy.  I have known her since we were little and she was even fancy then.  She is a part of exclusive clubs, meets fancy people, says words like "fantastic" and always dresses...fancy.  No casual days with this one.

I'm not fancy.  I like to dress up, but my personality isn't fancy. 

So, since I'm not fancy, I have a few questions about that Lancome counter:  What should I wear??  What does one wear when they approach the Lancome counter??  Do I need to get dressed up?  Should I keep my sunglasses once inside?  Do I waltz to the counter?  Or is it better to appear aloof?  Should I wear all black? 
At one time, I was all about the fancy make-up counters.  Back when I paid for nothing but make-up and Richard Marx tapes...

Hold on.  I said Richard Marx.  Care if I take a quick Richard Marx break? 




"All the time...all the tiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiiiime..."

Oh, wow.  Didn't realize you were listening to me.  How humiliating. Can you tell I've been crying happy tears?

*Dries happy tears and composes herself.*

Yes, at one time, I went to the Foley's/Macy's/Dillard's of the malls and strutted up to the Clinique counter for some "Raisin" lipstick or approached the Borghese counter for some of their yummy smelling foundation.  During my Clinique days, I usually had my mom, sister, aunt and cousin with me.  We all had our Clinique days going on, but THEY WEREN'T GOING ON IF WE WEREN'T GETTING SOMETHING FREE.  You better believe that.  We plotted our make-up buying at the exact moment Clinique was giving away their little prize pack with that free yellow moisturizer, some blush that you'd never wear, a tube of mascara the size of a Tic Tac and..maybe a sponge or something? 

Those make-up days went out the window once I had other things to pay for with my money.  There were no Borghese counter trips in college.  Cover Girl, Maybelline and, if I was feeling extra fancy inside Walgreens, Neutrogena, became my new best friends.  I am pretty sure I looked the same B.E.M.U. and A.E.M.U. (E.M.U. = expensive make-up and not to be confused with the largest native bird to Australia that, unfortunately, must ingest shards of glass or stones to assist in digestion.  Dadgonnit, now I'm crying over the emu. First it was Richard Marx and now it's the dadgum emu. Give me a minute.)

[A minute.]

There was a time a couple of years ago when I approached the Chanel counter and went to an Aveda store to get my make-up done for events related to my sister's wedding. I remember the Chanel lady was trying to sell me some eye shadow brushes made of unicorn hair or something for a sweet price of all-my-life's-savings. I think I bought some mascara after she did my make-up. I had to buy something.  Really, if Norma at Walgreens at the little lone check-out counter near the Jean Nate and Revlon products had torn open some of the paper packaging of the make-up products, I would've probably gone there first for my pre-event make-up session.  "COME OWN OVA HEEYER!!  I'LL GETCHU FIXED RAHT UP.  Whatchu like? Blue or pink eye shaduh?" is maybe how Norma would've started her pitch.  I'd probably would've bought Norma an Arizona Iced Tea and a Lunchable from the refrigerated section of the store after we were finished as a way to say thanks.  I bet I would've liked Norma...

I miss Norma.

Anyway, all of these little side stories bring me back to Lancome and that Genifique coupon.  I have already printed it out.  Now, I just have to pick out the right outfit and figure out how to approach the counter without looking like I'm wearing a sign that says, "I BUY MY MAKE-UP FROM CVS!!"  I need to try to appear sophisticated!  I have got to appear LEGIT!  Dingdangit, now I'm crying nervous tears.

Maybe I'll ask Lancome about waterproof mascara, too.

(You are one of those fancy make-up girls, aren't you?  Men?  How about you?)

5 Ways to Create a Family Vacation You Can Actually Afford

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A few months ago, I decided it was a good idea to have a "guest janitor" here in the Break Room on a monthly basis.  Last month, Stephanie from Southern Momentum sat in for me with ABCs of a Thankful Blogger Mom.  THIS month Traci L. Suppa, who drags her small-town family to see a quirky array of the world’s largest, longest, or tallest things, and blogs about it at Go BIG or Go Home, is going to be restocking the Cokes and wiping down that lone orange chair up in the corner.  Yay!  Restocking Cokes wears me out!  So thankful you are here, Traci!

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“Humor” blogging is not my regular gig. I'm what's known as a “family travel” blogger. I'm supposed to share useful information about travel based on my experiences with my husband and two kids.

Only, we don't travel all that much, or all that far. And we can't afford to go to the kind of places you really want to read about, anyway.

“Family travel” is a misnomer, really. It works because it's a short, catchy phrase, and rolls off the tongue better than “keeping the ungrateful, hyperactive kids busy in order to avoid meltdowns in a remote location accessed via a gruelingly long road trip or an invasive TSA pat-down.” Even the acronym – KTUHKBIOTAMIARLAVAGLRTOAITP – is a bit unwieldy.

Okay, we DO sometimes make the effort. Yet, while I love the idea of a 10-day vacation at Walt Disney World or a Royal Caribbean cruise, my wallet doesn’t. And I would rather stick a red hot poker in my eye than do another “staycation” at our local water park.

So how do I convince my jaded children that there’s fun to be had on a regional road trip, without fear that they will besmirch my name to my grandchildren after I’m long gone? (“Your grandmother was SO cheap, she would make us drive to WallyWorld rather than fly us to Disney.”)

Here are five ways I try to incorporate fun into cheap (sorry, “budget-friendly”) family travel:

Pools – Book a hotel with a pool. Indoor, outdoor, any shape or size will do. Bring your own pool toys. Voila; there's one afternoon you don't have to spend at a theme park.

Museums – Find a children's museum in your destination with free or “pay what you like” evenings. These are usually weekly or monthly, and they're usually during the week rather than weekends, but you can save a bundle in admission fees.

Parks – National, state, or local parks can offer some surprising and atypical entertainment at little to no cost. At Kent Falls State Park in CT, for example, you can climb uphill alongside a waterfall, or wade in the cool pools at its base. There's the whole element of camping, of course. I have a super low tolerance for nature, so I can't help you there.

Drive-in movies -- Remember what FUN Sandy, Rizzo, and the rest of the Pink Ladies would have at the drive-in?! No? Am I the only one over 40 around here? There are still many drive-in theaters out there, showing family movies for really low prices. Websites like DriveInnMovie.com and Drive-Inns.com list locations anywhere you may be traveling.

Roadside attractions – If your kids can't see the charm and humor in the world's largest ball of twine, you're not raising them right. Really, you can find some fun and quirky places which make great photo ops, as well as provide some entertainment. (Our last Christmas card featured us in front of the world's largest garden gnome.)

For example, visit the world's largest bowling pin in Tampa, FL, then bowl ten frames at Splitsville. Check out the 100-ft Coca-Cola bottle on the Strip in Vegas, then browse the Coca-Cola store and the M&M's World next door. Or come visit us in the Hudson Valley, where Chomsky, the aforementioned gnome, lives on a farm with a mini-golf course, petting zoo, and playground.

Click here for Traci's blog Go Big or Go Home, here to like her on Facebook and here to follow her on Twitter.

*If you are interested in restocking Cokes in the Break Room, let me know!*

I'm telling on my children over at NickMom!

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Typically, I don't like posting more than three times a week, but I can't help myself this time...

I'm over at NickMom this week! 

Here's what I got for you over there.  The first two were posted today and the last one earlier this week:

Top 9 Most Embarrassing Things My Kid Has Said About a Stranger Standing RIGHT THERE!

and



"I don't have any quarters": A FLOW CHART



and



10 Steps to a REALLY Clean Room, by a 9-year-old boy

I will totally bake you some cookies and send you the other half of my BFF necklace if you have a chance to stop by NickMom to say "heeeeeeey!!".

Thank you, my friends!!

The 10 Lost Flavors of Ben & Jerry's

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Because the opening of my Hip Hop Food Stop is getting such rave reviews from restaurant goers that don't exist, I thought I'd jump back into the food game by contacting Ben & Jerry's (who, by the way, is having a FREE CONE DAY on April 3rd!) with my ideas for musician-inspired ice cream flavors.  We all may be familiar with their flavors "Jerry Garcia" and "Phish Food" out right now.  Since it seems they love to honor great music with an ice cream flavor but haven't done so in a while, I came up with some ideas.  If you have any to add, please let me know!

(Here is the REAL Ben and the REAL Jerry!  Crazy!  They
look like men who would like a scoop of Milli Vanilla, amirite?)
Source

Depeche a La Mode

(This flavor comes in a mandatory double scoop, since "a la mode" means "topped with ice cream" and this is ice cream we're talking about here, people.  Pssst..by the way, there is a funny guy I follow on Twitter named @depechealamode. Just FYI.)

Milli Vanilla

(It calls itself "vanilla", but beware!  A very, very mild banana-flavored ice cream is actually posing for "Milli Vanilla", though you'd never know it.  So tricky, that Milli Vanilla! Also, black licorice, dreadlock-looking Twizzlers are optional toppings.  Pssst again...my friend @enblytheopedia came up with "milli vanilla" when I brought up this topic on Twitter.  He's a funny dude, too.)

Chocolate-Vanilla Swirl with Eminems

(As you are eating it, you never know if you are going to catch a chocolate or a vanilla flavor!  This one is very complex! Be careful chomping down on the Eminems, though, as very angry Pop Rocks have been tossed into the mix.)

Cookies 'n Queen

(This is the cookies 'n cream-esque flavor that you have come to know and love but the cookies are shaped like bullets in honor of one of their song lyrics, "Mamaaaa, I just killed a man. Put my gun...".  You know the rest. This is a very uplifting flavor and provides an opportunity to talk to your kids about gun safety.)

Celine 'n Cream

 (Like Ms. Dion herself, this flavor has lots of very praline syrupy sweetness to it.  If a scoop of this ice cream is not given to you with "Rene" written in caramel across the top of it, the ice cream is free.  No questions asked.)

Bonbon Jovi

 (Who wouldn't want a butter pecan flavored ice cream with chunks of bonbons all throughout it?  No one, that's who!  You have been warned, though, this ice cream IS slippery when wet, so eat it up quickly!  Please note, if you find long strands of heavy metal rocker-like hair in your delicious dessert, it was intentional.  It is part of the experience.)

Berry White

 (Only order this ice cream if you are in the mood for love!  Sweet love!  This ice cream is, of course, strawberry.  All of the strawberries have been painstakingly carved to resemble hearts.  If there do not appear to be enough in your scoop, your server will carve more.  Give her space and time to get it right.  Love should not be rushed.)

Spice Twirls

 (A different spice has been selected for each Spice Girl and then all of the flavors are then twirled together.  Since there aren't that many sweet spices besides Cinnamon and Allspice and maybe a few others, please know that pepper, steak seasoning and cayenne are a part of this unique ice cream dish. You will hate it. We beg you not to order it.  For the love of all that is good and right, listen to us.)

Mint Green Day

 (Nothing too crazy about this one.  It is mint. It is green.  It is served during the day. The only kind of crazy thing about it is that we draw a little road over the top of the ice cream mound with a fork in the middle of it to help you recall Green Day's lyrics, "Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road..." We are certain once you taste this minty green baby, you will remember it as the "Time of Your Life".)

Rocky (Road) Martin

(Ricky Martin has probably traveled a rocky road from his days with Menudo to his Livin' La Vida Loca days to his coming out days.  So fortunate for us that Ricky and Rocky rhymed! Rocky Martin has the nuts and marshmallows that you have come to expect, but also a bit of menudo, in honor of Ricky's early days.  You know, the Mexican soup made with boiled tripe? Yeah! I see your mouth watering already!)

Chilly Nelson (snow cones)

(If ice cream is not your thing, try an icy Chilly Nelson or grab one to take back on the road again, for those that just can't wait to get back on the road again. In case you are wondering, there is not a "Mary Jane" snow cone flavor, though we know this is something that Willy would have liked.  It was such a pain getting a license for that one with drugs being illegal and all.  Oh, one more thing, in an effort to entice you, we are giving away fake braids with all Chilly Nelson orders!)

You can order any flavor in a Dolly CARTON, CUP w/ Roses, or a CONE Temple Pilot.
 

Recipes from 4-year-olds: Every good cook has to start somewhere!

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This weekend I spent A LOT of time cleaning up our house- the study, the closet, under our bed, etc.  In the treasure of things I found was my husband's 1988 Hard Rock Cafe jacket (which I wore all over the house until he noticed it), a $50 savings bond my grandmother gave my 7-year-old son when he was 2-years-old  (Nana LOVES her some savings bonds) and a "cookbook" that same son's preschool class made when he was 4-years-old.  I couldn't resist showing it to you all.  Reading through it makes me laugh out loud every time.  So, if you are feeling out of ideas in the kitchen, let these children help you out.  Mmmmm!!!

(I never had an Easy Bake Oven.  Sniffle, sniffle...)
Source

*APPLE PIE

"You just put it in the oven.  You just bake it for a little bit longer."

*STRAWBERRY CAKE

"You just get it from somewhere far, far away.  Then we just bake it in the oven for 4 minutes.  Then we put icing on.  We stir up the icing.  Then we put it on the cake.  Then we put candles on it.  I'd say 5 candles.  Then we eat it."

*BREAKFAST

"You just go somewhere that has donuts. Then you get some waffles from a store.  Then we get pancakes from a store.  Then we just eat them for breakfast."

SOUP

"We do it in a bag 'cuz we don't want it to spill.  You get a soup bag and crunch it up while it's in the bag.  Then put it in the microwave for 10 minutes.  I think you have to heat it up for 3 times."

CUPCAKES

"Put 4 tablespoons sugar.  Then you add 10 cups water.  And then you cook them for 15 hours.  Then you add pink frosting and sprinkles and that's it."

TACOS

"You make meat and boiling water and sauce and sugar and mint and salt and pepper and then you cook them.  Then you have a tortilla and you cook it and you put sauce, broccoli, meat and that's it."

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

"I think put 2 sprinkles of sugar, a teaspoon of flour and I think a cup of powder.  Put it in a microwave 14 minutes and that's it."

LASAGNA

"You put I think a sprinkle of powder and a teaspoon of  sugar and a cup of flour and a sprinkle of salt.  Put it in the oven for 20 minutes.  That's it."

CHICKEN

"Put a cup of powder and a teaspoon of sugar and a cup of salt and a teaspoon of flour.  Put it in the microwave for 15 seconds.  That's it."

CHEETOS

"Put cheese on them and yellow stuff in there.  Cook for 5 minutes."

JELLY SANDWICH

"We use two bread.  Then we put 21 cups jelly on the bottom.  Then we put bread on top and that's how you make it."

PEANUT BUTTER & HONEY SANDWICH

"So you get two pieces of bread.  And on one of them you put maybe about three spoons of honey.  Then with the other piece of bread you put three spoons peanut butter. Then you put the bread that has the peanut butter on it on top of the bread that has the honey on it."

VEGETABLE SOUP

"You put 9 green beans and pour like 120 hours of the drink of the soup.  You put 15 hours of zucchini.  Put it in the oven for maybe 10 hours.  Then you eat it."

"CHICKEN POPEYE"

"I don't know how to make that but... First you do the beans and you just call it that.  It's really easy.  But you have to buy it in the store, too.  It looks a little different.  It's not like real chicken but just a little different, it looks like macaroni and cheese but it's not macaroni and cheese.  It's really chicken even though it doesn't look like it."

HAMBURGERS

"First you cook the meat- my dad cooks it like 51 time.  Now I think you put the bread and then the cheese on it.  Then you put the other half of the bread.  And that's how you make the hamburger."

*Those first three recipes were from my son.  I promise he doesn't always eat donuts and waffles.  Sometimes he eats oatmeal, alright??

Which recipe are you going to try out first??

Where have all the women Japanese hibachi chefs gone?

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Last week, I was contacted by Oxfam America to write a post (with a humorous slant) about the inequalities women face in honor of International Women's Day, which is today, March 8th.  There is much I want to pass on to you about that, but, first, let me tell you about a little research study I conducted yesterday afternoon to answer the question:

Where have all the women *Japanese hibachi chefs gone??

Hahaha!!  Women?!  Sayonara to that!  No women here!
Source

Enjoying the culinary talents of hibachi chefs at Japanese restaurants (ahem, Benihana's) is something my family loves to do.  We love to see them chopchopchopchopping the heck outta some scrambled eggs.  We love opening our mouths in an effort to catch a clump of rice launched from a couple of feet in front of us.  We love to watch them aim the clump of rice at my 3-year-old's son's mouth but miss and land rice in his hair eight times in a row.  We love laughing at them when they say, "Meow" as they begin to slice into some raw chicken.  Nothing makes us gasp more than a wall of fire that is then extinguished by a plastic man peeing on the flames (I've only seen that once and never at Benihana's).  And we never cease to be amazed at how they can flip a raw egg all over the place with their spatula and then crack it on the its edge while never actually touching it with bare hands!

Insanity.

But, as impressive as all of that is, I become distracted at those hot Japanese tables.  As I glance around the room full of other people clapping and laughing and chowing down on the delicious fried rice and guzzling ginger dressing off of the iceberg lettuce salad, I notice there are no women hibachi chefs.  This doesn't upset me or anything. I mean, maybe women just don't want to be hibachi chefs.  I asked our hibachi man and he said he had never known a woman to don the red chef's hat and entertain the masses with her quick stir-frying skills.  Not feeling satisfied with his isolated experience, though, I picked up the phone yesterday to call about ten other Benihana's to ask them.

"Konnichiwa.  Thanks for calling Benihana's.  How may I help you?"

"Hi.  I have a question for you.  Could you tell me if you have any women hibachi chefs at your restaurant?"

"Yes, we do have lemon hibachi shrimp.  We would just add some lemon to the shrimp, but we can do that.  No problem."

"No, I didn't say lemon hibachi shrimp.  I said women hibachi chefs."

"Ohhh!!  Hahaha!!  Okay.  Ummm.  Well, there is a woman that helps hand the food to the chef.  She helps him get ready."


"But, are there any actual women chefs there?"


"No.  No, not since I've worked here."

"Do you know why?  Have there been any women applicants?  Are they just not suited for the job?  What's the deal?"

"I really don't know.  I have no clue."

That was the response I received from the majority of the Benihana's I called (except only one of the places thought I said "lemon hibachi shrimp".)  Only two said that they had a woman chef at one point long, long ago.  One gentleman said she had to leave due to "issues she had to take care of" and the other one didn't know why she had left.  One guy I called actually told me why he thought women didn't really cut it as hibachi chefs:

"Well, there just so many things to do.  They have clean up, scrape table, sweep up.  Too much for them.  They have stay late, work hard.  After that, no time for family.  That why women no hibachi chefs."

Aha!!! So , according to him, women may not want to be hibachi chefs because they wouldn't have time for their families! That must be the bottom line in what this man was saying, because, if there is one thing most women know how to do, it's clean, scrape and sweep! Can I get an Amen??

Thanks to the good ol' Internet, I did eventually find ONE woman hibachi chef:




If there is one thing I know women to be, though, it is HARD WORKING.  Here are some facts quoted from Oxfam regarding women:

-66% of the world's work falls on women's shoulders, yet they earn only 10% of the world's income.

-Worldwide in 2008, nearly 800 million people over the age of 15 could neither read nor write- two-thirds of them were women

-Women make up 43% of the agricultural workforce in developing countries, yet they account for only 10-20% of landowners

-If women were given the same level of access to resources that men have, they could increase yields on their farms by 20-30%.

-Hunger and poverty are about power and inequality, and women and girls face the biggest inequalities of all.

You may have grown up with (or have) a working mother, or one who has, either temporarily or permanently, chosen to forego a career in order to focus on raising family.  You may be either of those mothers now.  But whichever choice your mother made or you are making now, chances are you remember her going to any lengths to keep you safe, clothed and fed, so that you could grow into a healthy and happy human being and, if you are a mother now, you are doing the same.

An example of one of the e-cards from Oxfam.  Source

But some moms, who also want to feed and provide for their kids just like your mom did and you are doing now, are facing hardships that make it nearly impossible. They’re among the one in seven people who go to bed hungry every night. That’s right, one in seven. And, according to Oxfam, this isn’t because there isn’t enough food to go around. It’s because there are deep imbalances in access to resources like fertile land and water.  In fact, more than 40 percent of the world’s population – 2.5 billion people – live in poverty, and many of them are women.

Women who work hard, but can't earn enough to feed their families; women whose hearts break when they see their children go hungry; women- half the people on earth- who need equal access to the resources that can help them overcome poverty.

Checking out Oxfam's website for information, videos and donation opportunities is one way to help. Another way Oxfam wants us to help is by spreading the word.  By sending an "International Women's Day" e-card to important women in your life, you are getting the message out about the billions that live in poverty, including many women and children. 

Here are some important links: Click here to donate or fundraise, here to send an e-card, here to go to Oxfam America's website, here to like Oxfam on Facebook and here to follow Oxfam on Twitter. (Please refer to #InternationalWomensDay or #IWD, if you talk about it on Twitter.)

__________________________________________

Before you go...in the spirit of honoring women, I want to give one of you a gift.  In my sons' library, they have the book "A is for Abigail" by Lynne Cheney.  It is a beautiful, fun "almanac of amazing American women."  I want my sons to grow up knowing the names of women in history who have made a difference in our lives today.  The artwork is beautiful and the content is impressive.  There are no hoops to jump through here.  Just leave a comment and I will randomly select one of you to receive this book via random.org at 10:00 p.m. on Sunday, March 12th.  You will love it!

Finding the Funny #7: Childbirth doesn't hurt, right??

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 Some of you may have seen my post on Facebook or Twitter yesterday, but I have a graph up at NickMom this week called the "Giving Birth Pain Scale" that I would love for you to check out!  Because I got into some technical conversations about it on my personal Facebook page yesterday, know that a) the scale is not saying childbirth is the most painful thing you can ever experience and b) the scale is a 1-5 pain scale, not 1-10. It is a condensed, mini-pain scale.  Yes, there are far worse painful things you can experience other than childbirth, such as:

-Hugging an eel.

-Using a porcupine as a pillow.

-Fighting a T-rex over a container of chicken nuggets.

-Drinking a smoothie with strawberries, bananas and crushed glass.

-Trying to keep a ravenous lion away from slab of wildebeest.

-Filing your nails with a sawshark.

-Giving an angry mother Grizzly a high-five.

For some people, childbirth wasn't painful at all.  In fact, some find it so delightful that they may even prefer it over an afternoon of enjoying ice cream cones and walking through the zoo.  Also, some have never been able to experience childbirth and THAT is painful alone.  The graph was supposed to be lighthearted, so please don't take it too seriously!  The fact that I would develop a tongue-in-cheek painscale is not surprising, since I have a history of being a really, really big wuss:

-When I was four, I ran out of the hospital room just before I was supposed to get stitches in my eyebrow because I was afraid of the needle. 

-If I got a splinter in my finger as a child, I acted like my hand was about to be ripped off by an insane lumberjack.

-As a little girl, my dentist asked my mom to take me elsewhere because I cried too much when it came cavity-filling time.

-Around the age of 8 or 9, I literally got under a table at the doctor's office to hide from the nurse because I didn't want a shot.

-I'd practically give myself ulcers worrying about my mom or dad having to pull one of my loose teeth.

As an adult, I'm a bit better about dealing with physical pain.  Thankfully, besides childbirth (I heart you, Epidural!) and that time I stepped on a Lego, I haven't really had to deal with anything significant.  Yet.

(For those that have had to endure REAL pain or do so on a daily basis, I'm not trying to minimize what you went through or are going through.  I admire your strength!)

______________________________________

And now...

<a href="http://www.mylifeandkids.com"><img src="http://i1235.photobucket.com/albums/ff438/whitneak/Finding-the-Funny-Button.gif" alt="Finding the Funny" width="150" height="150" /></a>

It is so awesome to see the crazy posts you all link up with "Finding the Funny" each week.  It makes us happy to see new faces in the mix, too!  I know we all have some humor posts up our sleeves, even if we are not specifically writers of a "humor blog".  Anna and I are so appreciative of your participation in this little link-up party and for reading some of the other posts linked up, too.  Remember when you share it on Twitter to use the hashtag #findingthefunny AND to type in the title of your post in the "name" section of the linky.  Thanks, homies!


#1 - A Dedication Let Me Start By Saying

#2 TIE - I Totally Violated my Mailman, Part 1 Confessions of a Semi-Domesticated Mama

#2 TIE - Elmo Has An Affair Take 10 With Tricia

#3 - How the Tooth Fairy Flies at Our House Random Handprints

#4 - What's That Noise? Tuffet Whimsy {The Blog}

#5 - OCCUPIED! Confessions of the Id

"The Scrambler" (alternate lyrics to Kenny Roger's "The Gambler")

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Every time I hear this song, which is more often than you think because I'm getting gray hair now and like to listen to "The Country Oldies" station (I live in Texas, for goodness sakes!), I think of alternate lyrics for it for some reason.  I imagine me standing with my grandmother in her kitchen early in the morning and her giving me advice while my family sleeps in the house. If you aren't familiar with "The Gambler" tune by Kenny Rogers, you can listen to it below.  If song parodies are your thing, click on the "Song Parodies" link in the navigation bar above for more.




(Imagine my grandmother and me standing beside Kenny Rogers with a spatula, frying pan and a carton of eggs, would you, please?)


THE SCRAMBLER

On a warm summer's mornin' in the kitchen holdin' silverware
I met up with the scrambler, we were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns flippin' around eggs while outside it was still darkness
'Til boredom overtook us and she began to speak


She said, "Girl, I've made a life, out of feedin' people's faces
And knowin' what their hearts were by the way they held their eyes
So if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of patience
For a taste of your *Pepsi I'll give you some advice"


So I handed her my bottle and she drank down my last swallow
Then she bummed a peppermint and asked me to turn on more lights
And the dawn got really quiet and her face lost all expression
Said, "Parenting's like a game, girl, and you gotta learn to play it right"


You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to scold 'em
Know when to walk away and **know when to run
You always count your blessings when you're sittin' around the table
There won't be time enough for countin' when the growing's done


Every scrambler knows that the secret to ***survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away in the fridge and knowing what to keep
'Cause not every leftover is a winner and old deli ham's a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to keep old pizza for a week.


And when she finished speakin', she went back to scramblin' eggs near the window.
But then spit out her peppermint and said ****"I'm done, I'm going back to sleep."
And somewhere in the darkness, as the scrambler was a-leavin'
I heard all my kids awaking from their sleep and remembered....


I got to know when to hold 'em, know when to scold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
And always count my blessings when they're sittin' around the table
There won't be time enough for countin' when the growing's done


You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to scold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
Always count your blessings when they're sittin' around the table
There won't be time enough for countin' when the growing's done.






*For the record, I don't like Pepsi.  Don't you see my Coke machine up there?  Pepsi was the closest to "whiskey" I could think of...  Should've just stayed with whiskey.

**I don't mean run away from your children and never come back.  Why have you already called CPS? I mean running into your room and locking the door for a few minutes for some peace and quiet.  Or running away from laundry.  Or running up to Target and finding a cute shirt.

***For some reason, the scrambler chose to talk about cleaning out the refrigerator in the midst of her parenting lessons.  Just go with it?

****My grandmother would never do that.  She'd finish scrambling eggs, then start in on the bacon, check the biscuits in the oven, get bacon juice and start making gravy out of it, set the table, etc.  That lady doesn't stop and that is still the case at 87.  I heart her.