How To Make Your Thanksgiving Turkey GANGNAM-STYLE


“Oppan Gangman style.”

“Oppan Gangnam style.”

“Oppan Gangnam style.”

That’s me all day today to my husband. I know. Super annoying. It’s just that the song won’t leave my head and especially that line.

“Oppan Gangnam style.”

“What are you even saying?”

“I’m saying ‘Oppan Gangam style’.”

“I know that. What does that mean? Are you singing about gangs? What the heck?”

A few short minutes later (after a thorough investigation on Wikipedia), I condescendingly informed him about the Korean language and the Gangnam section of Seoul, Korea which is comparable to Beverly Hills. It’s very fancy. Lots of rich, trendy, fancy people walking around. “Oppan” apparently means “big brother is”. The singer/rapper/artist (??) known as PSY sings/raps the song “Gangnam Style”, is mocking himself as being very Gangnam-like and is referring to himself in the third person. “Big brother is Gangman-style.” It is very obvious that he is not when you watch the video, which is the 2nd most watched video on YouTube ever with over 72 million views.

Since the song and the video are so popular all over the world, I knew that it was critical that there be a way to make a Thanksgiving turkey Gangnam-style. Gangnam-style is what it is all about. The Pilgrims would have been all over it if they weren’t so Quaker-ish. They’d all be “Pilgrim Gangnam-Style” or “Mayflower Gangnam-Style” or “This corn be Gangnam-style”.

So here it is:

#1 GALLOP ACROSS THE KITCHEN WHILE PREPARING THE TURKEY: Not sure how PSY figured horse-riding into the Gangnam vibe, but he did. So, when you go to get the turkey out of the oven, gallop there. When you go to put the turkey on the table, gallop there. When you go get the cranberry sauce to set next to the turkey, for goodness sakes, GALLOP THERE. Gallop your heart out. Gallop, gallop, gallop, but be careful. NO ONE WANTS TURKEY THAT HAS FALLEN ON YOUR KITCHEN FLOOR.

#2 WEAR SUNGLASSES WHILE PULLING OUT THE TURKEY GUTS: I have never made a turkey. EVER. The primary reason is that I don’t want to stick my entire arm into a turkey carcass and pull out a bag of turkey guts. Luckily for those making their turkeys Gangnam-style, there will be eye protection in the form of sunglasses. Preferably these tortoise shell sunglasses:

PSY in his turkey-stuffing sunglasses

#3  DESIGNATE ONE PERSON TO CONTINUOUSLY SING TO YOU “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY, SEXY LADY!!” WHILE YOU CARVE THE TURKEY: Actually, you can only designate your husband or man or crush or something. Under no circumstances can you have your dad, Uncle Tim, son or grandmother singing, “Heeeeeeeeeeeey, SEXY LADY!!” to you while you carve that bird. It will be too awkward and will probably end in a fist fight right there at the table. Also, it’s plain weird. You must find someone to do it, though. Your turkey won’t be made Gangnam-style if you don’t.

#4 INTERJECT “OPP, OPP, OPP, OPP, OPP, OPPAN GANGNAM-STYLE” INTO ALL CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE TURKEY: When Aunt Irene compliments you on the moistness of the turkey and asks you how it was prepared, simply say “opp, opp, opp, opp, opp, oppan Gangnam-style”. She’ll give you a strange look, let out a nervous laugh and then ask you if you brined the turkey, fried it, made it upside down, covered it in foil, bought it from Butterball and the like to which you’ll just reply, “opp, opp, opp, opp, opp, oppan Gangnam-style”. (Aunt Irene won’t be sending you a Christmas card.)

#5 REQUEST THE 7-YEAR-OLD KOREAN MICHEAL JACKSON, HWANG MIN WOO, TO SERVE THE TURKEY TO ALL YOUR GUESTS BY MOONWALKING IT OVER TO THEM: He won’t be able to do it, because, like, he lives in Korea and Koreans don’t care about the Mayflower. Still, if you manage to pull this off, you most definitely will have the most Gangnam-style turkey that ever existed.

Happy Gangnam-Style Thanksgiving!

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