“Is that all you are gonna get, Mom?”
“No, honey. We’ve been to the store for 10 milliseconds and all I have in this basket is the store’s ads.”
This kid is serious about this self-checkout business. He feels like he works at the store. He’s super efficient when we finally make it to the lane. He gets a grown-up look on his face and starts swiping items left and right. It’s all a blur. He moves fast. He knows the ropes. They really should just make us honorary cashiers. One of these days I imagine they’ll slide a blue smock over our heads with the name of the grocery store emblazoned on our backs for all to see. That will be a proud day. A special day.
But, that day isn’t today. TODAY I thought I’d give you the 7 signs that you and that self-checkout lane weren’t meant to be. You may know it already in your heart. You may be on the verge of confronting this harsh reality.This may just be the information you needed to guide you back to the main lanes.
|Source of original picture|
#1 You approach the self-checkout lane with more than 15 items. Alright there, partner! Easy with the 800 cans of vegetables. If you want to work here that bad, step over to the Customer Service counter. Betty Lou is at lunch, but as soon as she gets back and gets her cash drawer all counted out right in front of you for a solid 30 minutes, she’ll get you an application.
#2 The machine finally beeps in recognition of the bar code on your can of Le Sueur’s Very Young Small Sweet Peas after the 1,215th try. FORGET THE BABY PEAS! YOU SHOULD FEEL TERRIBLE THAT YOU ARE EATING PEAS THAT HAVEN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO GROW UP AND SEE THE WORLD, ANYWAY! FORGET THE STINKIN’-STANKIN’ PEAS!
#3 When the nice robot lady says, “Put the item in the bag”, you stare at the screen for a solid second. Why are you staring at the screen? There are no seconds to spare! People are waiting on you! Put the ding-dang item in the bag like the nice robot lady said and let’s get on with living!
#4 You take an item out of the bag. You can’t do that. You just can’t do that. Now the sensor is all jacked up and thinks you are trying to steal an item. It’ll be seconds and you’ll be flat on your face with a shoe on your ear. It’ll just be Joe, the evening manager, but he’s tough. He’ll hold you there with his black loafers until help arrives, by golly!
#5 Every time you use the self-checkout lane, help arrives. Lorraine doesn’t want to walk over and push the buttons on your screen anymore. If she’s told you once, she’s told you a million times, you have to answer the questions on the screen and you can’t accidentally press any buttons ever. Never, ever, ever. Like, ever. Taylor said.
#6 You are the crazy coupon lady. Crazy coupon ladies go to the main lanes and that is all there is to it. Next week, I’m asking Joe if I can hang up a sign that says “CRAZY COUPON LADIES STAND IN THIS LINE”. It’ll be the one farthest from the self-checkout lanes. That one near Betty Lou, who, by the way, is still counting the money in her cash drawer.
#7 You’re a nose picker. We know you just picked your nose over in the bread aisle and marched right up to that screen in the self-checkout lane. Lorraine really should douse us all with antibacterial gel on our way out. I don’t think she’d mind if it weren’t for that lady on machine #2 that keeps pushing the wrong buttons.
If you need to print these out and really mull it over, please feel free. Just don’t mullet over. Is a “mullet over” a mullet for people that are going bald? It could be, right? They could brush the mullet right over the top of their heads. If a “mullet over” hasn’t been coined yet, I totally called it.
Most Clicked Links from Last Week
#1 – 5 Things I Thought I’d Never Let My Kids Do… Toulouse and Tonic
#2 – Husband Shaming HouseTalkN
#3 – My daughters will KILL me one day for this post. Counting My Kisses
#4 – PMS: It Only Gets Worse Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
#5 – I made a splash – in my pants Hollow Tree Ventures ‘);]]>