“I need to lose weight. Can you pass the queso?” and other lovely quotes from around the dinner table

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When we finally pick a place to eat out (“Where do you want to eat? You pick. No, you. No, not there. I ate there a couple of days ago. Your choice, though. You pick. No, not that. I don’t feel like Chinese tonight, but the choice is yours. Pick something already! No, not barbecue. Olive Garden? No, not Olive Garden. Let’s eat where you want, though. I’m letting you pick. No, not…), over half the time is spent sorting out where everyone will sit, the next half is spent deciding what we want to eat, the half after that is spent asking the waitress a million questions, the subsequent half is spent commenting about the food, a good half of it is spent reprimanding the boys and that’s a lot of halves. These are just a few quotes you’ll hear from me, my parents, my husband, my kids, my sister, my grandmother or my mother-in-law:

Go here to get a coupon for FREE chips and queso from Chili’s!
(And they didn’t ask me or pay me to promote that. I just found it and got super excited.)

“I need to sit on that side because I’m left-handed. Haha!”

“Can someone switch with him? They don’t need to sit together. They’ll be wrestling under the table before dinner is over.”

“Do you have sweet tea? Okay, good. Can you make my drink half sweet and half regular tea? I don’t like sweet stuff too much.”

“Is your raspberry tea brewed raspberry tea or do you put a raspberry syrup in it?”

“Are your greenbeans fresh or are they from a can?”

“Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Can I have extra lemons with my water?” (She means a whole lemon tree’s worth.)

“Kelley, why can’t you just order it like they have it on the menu? Why do you always have to ask to substitute stuff?”

“I was going to order pork chops, but we just ate pork chops for dinner the week before last.”

“Can I have a bite?”

“Mom, I’m not hungry anymore.”

“I need seafood sauce, please. Seafood sauce. You know, the red stuff you eat with shrimp? Okay, cocktail sauce. Whatever you want to call it, that’s what I want.”

“Can I substitute the chicken for shrimp and the corn for green beans and the rice for
some salad and the…”

“Can I get the child’s plate? I’m just not that hungry.”

*”I really need to lose weight. Can you pass the queso?”

**”I wish I could lose 10 pounds. Can I have a slice of that chocolate cake?”

“Can we have more rolls?”

“Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Can we have more rolls?”

“Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Can we have more rolls?”

“You know Splenda is bad for you. All of those sweeteners are bad for you. The harm they can cause is…”

“Was this cooked in chicken broth? I am a vegetarian and I can’t eat anything that was cooked in chicken broth.”

“Do y’all have any red eye gravy? You don’t know what red eye gravy is? I used to get that back home all the time in Tennessee.”

“Can I get some vinegar for my cabbage? What? I like vinegar with my cabbage.”

“Shhhh!”

“Shhh!”

“Shhh!”

“Stop banging your fork on the table. It’s not a set of drums!”

“Can you let me out to go to the bathroom?”

“Stop picking your nose.”

“Pssst…look at him. He’s still picking his nose.”

“Where is our waitress? I need some more tea.”

“Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Half of your dinner is under your plate. Why are you so messy?”

“Put the napkin in your lap.”

“Put the napkin in your lap.”

“Has anyone seen the waitress yet? I still need tea.”

“Stop blowing bubbles in your milk.”

“Stop smacking.”

“I hate when they refill my tea when I have it sweetened juuuuust right.”

“Tea.”

“Tea.”

“Tea.”

“Tea.”

“Tea.”

“Tea.”

“Stop picking food up with your fingers.”

“I wish I could get some more tea!”

“I’m going to pay for this one, so don’t even try to get out your checkbook.”

“Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Can we get a doggy bag? What, Kelley? That’s what they’re called.”

“Can I have a to-go cup? Okay, make that 10 to-go cups. Thank you!”

“Is that all your leaving for tip? You have to leave more than that for a tip!”

“Can we have more rolls?”

It’s exhausting, really, but…anything beats cleaning your own kitchen, like this poor¬†mom below has to do after this awkward¬†dinner:

I think.

*That quote’s mine.
**That one, too.

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