This post below is written by Brenna Barzenick, author of Tsumommy, and it made me laugh the first time I read it. We follow each other on Twitter, where she is known as @punderwoman (don’t you love it?), so she knows I like word humor. Since it is football season and everything, I thought it was a great time to share it with you. I know most of you know everything there is to know about football. When the ref says “4th and goal”, you don’t even ponder for a second what that could mean. You don’t ask “What does the tight end do again?” and receive annoyed stares from the people around you. For the rest of us, there is this funny post…
Football season always brings up repressed emotions for me. When I was a college cheerleader, standing eight feet in the air on my partner’s tiny man hands, I didn’t have time to ponder the intricacies of the game of football. I was too concerned with balancing, being full of teen spirit, and tampon string visibility. I didn’t know offense from defense, even though the raspy chants could convince you otherwise. I was shouting, “BLOCK ‘EM! BLOCK ‘EM!” but under my tight blond ponytail all I knew was that “block ‘em” rhymed with “sock ‘em”, which rhymed with “rock ‘em” , which then made me think of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.
The cheerleader mind is complicated folks. Two bits, four bits, six bits a WTF?
Coach – the first store we visit at the outlet mall
Bounty Scandal – when I send my husband to the grocery store and he buys the generic brand of paper towels
Referee – My son + my daughter = Me
Unneccessary roughness – the bottom of my feet, right now, and in the dead of winter
Tight end – dreaming of how my backside looked at age 22
Special Teams – my hairdresser, my manicurist, my dermatologist, my gynecologist , and my psychiatrist
Offsides – I say this when looking at my birthing hips in front of a mirror, “what are these things coming off my sides?!”
Illegal formation – when my husband loads the dishwasher
Pre-season – sprinkling Tony Chachere’s Cajun spice blend on chicken breasts before baking
Pig skin – definitely allowed on the Atkins Diet
Two minute warning – precise time when popcorn burns in a 1500 watt microwave oven
Rushing – duh! I’m a mom
Intentional grounding – future discipline plan when my daughter becomes a teenager
Two Point Conversion – convincing myself that fudge brownie ice cream is only 2 points on Weight Watchers
Gridiron – multi-tasking between making waffles and pressing a pair of pants
Facemask – I’m supposed to apply this BEFORE the exfoliating eye cream
Linebacker – I’m a physical therapist and I do this every day. Putting people’s backs in line again. (My daughter wrote this one)
Hail Mary – full of grace, hallowed be thy name.
Sidelines – my crow’s feet and smile lines
Defensive strategy – how I prepare for when my mother-in-law visits
Quarterback – what I get in return when I give my kids 20 bucks for the movies.
Rose Bowl – a nice potpourri accessory my Nana gave me
Punt – has the word “pun” in it so I like it.
Pass Interruption – any time I have to hold in gas for longer than an hour (elevators, busy aisle at Target, class reunion)
Completion – what NEVER happens in the laundry room
Well, my goal was to settle the score before I spiraled out of control. I sure hope this is well received. I feel good having shined light on the dark cornerbacks of my mind. Guess you can say I’ve come to terms with football. And it didn’t Costas a dime.
Most Clicked Links from Last Week
#1 – Don’t Vajazzle Your Vajizzle Jazzle… Toulouse and Tonic
#2 – What Politicians Could Learn From Kid’s Shows Katy in a Corner
#3 – Things That Make You Feel Old Transformed Non-Conformist
#4 – Instructions for my Husband #25 Random Handprints
#5 – 10 Things I’ve Learned From People Magazine Funny is Family