WHY NOT ME, DR. OZ??

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Not too long ago, Heather Davis of Minivan Momma, the recent author of TMI Mom Bites the Big Apple, along with Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying and Susan Bristow-McLean of The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva were on Dr. Oz's show about oversharing moms on the internet. Here is one of the clips, but there are many to choose from on his website.

THEY WERE ON DR. OZ.

That is super awesome, right? SO awesome, actually. The craziest thing is that all three know my name! Now, I'm not as awesome as any of the three, I will grant you that, but still. So, I got to wondering...maybe I don't overshare enough! Maybe I would have gotten an all-expense paid trip to NYC if I had just overshared a bit more! (Just go with me here.) Maybe I keep my secrets under wraps because of the backlash I would get from family. "YOU SHARED THAT ON YOUR BLOG, KELLEY?" questions would probably drive me to drink, so...I keep stuff on the down-low.

But, not anymore.

I want to be on Dr. Oz.

Now, I know his "oversharing internet moms" show is over, so I can't get on that one. Hmmmm...maybe if I write him a song and offer to sing it into my big toe? Would this get his attention? Maybe if I get MEHMET tattooed onto my forehead? SURELY I could get on his show if I tattooed MEHMET on my forehead.

(Takes a break to go to a tattoo salon.)

Alright, that's done.

I need a back-up plan, though. I need to do more on Dr. Oz than just have everyone stare at me while I smile and point to my forehead. My segment would only be, like, 5 seconds. "MOM GETS DR. OZ'S FIRST NAME TATTOOED TO HER FOREHEAD!" would be the announcement, they'd pan to me and BOOM! commercial break. No, no...I need something else up my sleeve.

GOT IT. A game show! They don't play games on Dr. Oz! Dr. Oz is all about health and whatnot. No games going on over there. I can offer to play a game with Dr. Oz's audience called...

SPOT THE IMPOSTER!

(I will work on coming up with a catchier name once his people call my people.)

My mother-in-law watches a good deal of Mehmet. She is often telling me the combinations of things he comes up with to cure right ear lobe ache and things like that. He's like a really nice Professor Snape with all of his potions. So, in my game, I will have Dr. Oz's different potions listed on the big screen plus a few "imposters" for his viewers to spot. You know, things Dr. Oz didn't really recommend. We'll be able to see who is biggest fans are then, won't we?

Things like....

Glucomannan, Chromium and Fish Oil

for high blood sugar

 

Apple Pectin, Grape Seed Extract and  Forskolin

for weight loss

 

Half of Newt's Ear, Pizza Sauce and a Dolphin Eyelash

for an upset stomach

 

Astaxanthin, Krill Oil, Coenzyme Q10, Probiotics and Iodine

for nutrition supplements

 

A Teaspoon of Sand, A Frog's Finger and One Piece of Popcorn

for high blood sugar

 

Chromium, Peppermint Tablets and UV Sun Monitors

for anti-aging (okay, the peppermint is for an upset stomach)

 

Astragalus, Alpha Lipoic Acid and L-Carnitine

for anti-aging

Shredded Mini Wheats Stuffed with Mulch, Two Cups of Extra Virgin Olive Oil and The Outer Skin of a Kiwi, PLUS Two Strands of Barbie's Hair

for anti-aging

 

Treatments Minoxidil, Primrose Oil And Black Currant Oil

for hair loss prevention

 

(Pssst...the "imposters" aren't the ones in orange. I'm giving you guys a break, since you read this blog and everything.)

That's not going to get me on the show either, is it?

JUST FORGET IT.

(Stomps off to do the dishes.)