THEY WERE ON DR. OZ.
That is super awesome, right? SO awesome, actually. The craziest thing is that all three know my name! Now, I’m not as awesome as any of the three, I will grant you that, but still. So, I got to wondering…maybe I don’t overshare enough! Maybe I would have gotten an all-expense paid trip to NYC if I had just overshared a bit more! (Just go with me here.) Maybe I keep my secrets under wraps because of the backlash I would get from family. “YOU SHARED THAT ON YOUR BLOG, KELLEY?” questions would probably drive me to drink, so…I keep stuff on the down-low.
But, not anymore.
I want to be on Dr. Oz.
Now, I know his “oversharing internet moms” show is over, so I can’t get on that one. Hmmmm…maybe if I write him a song and offer to sing it into my big toe? Would this get his attention? Maybe if I get MEHMET tattooed onto my forehead? SURELY I could get on his show if I tattooed MEHMET on my forehead.
(Takes a break to go to a tattoo salon.)
Alright, that’s done.
I need a back-up plan, though. I need to do more on Dr. Oz than just have everyone stare at me while I smile and point to my forehead. My segment would only be, like, 5 seconds. “MOM GETS DR. OZ’S FIRST NAME TATTOOED TO HER FOREHEAD!” would be the announcement, they’d pan to me and BOOM! commercial break. No, no…I need something else up my sleeve.
GOT IT. A game show! They don’t play games on Dr. Oz! Dr. Oz is all about health and whatnot. No games going on over there. I can offer to play a game with Dr. Oz’s audience called…
(I will work on coming up with a catchier name once his people call my people.)
My mother-in-law watches a good deal of Mehmet. She is often telling me the combinations of things he comes up with to cure right ear lobe ache and things like that. He’s like a really nice Professor Snape with all of his potions. So, in my game, I will have Dr. Oz’s different potions listed on the big screen plus a few “imposters” for his viewers to spot. You know, things Dr. Oz didn’t really recommend. We’ll be able to see who is biggest fans are then, won’t we?
That’s not going to get me on the show either, is it?
JUST FORGET IT.
(Stomps off to do the dishes.)