When I was a little girl, you could always find me playing with Barbies, Cabbage Patch Kids, fake make-up kits that I used on my next door neighbor's dad's face and like I was on The Carol Burnett Show.
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| What I'd give just to talk in funny voices all day... Source |
But, mostly I liked to pretend I was an adult with real-world jobs. When I wasn't passing time scribbling inside book covers like I was writing in cursive, I was living out these 5 jobs that I always wanted but never had:
#1 SECRETARY: My grandmother was the secretary at a small church. Actually, my grandmother was a CPS at lots of different places and we ain't talkin' no Child Protective Services either, missy. How could you be a "Child Protective Services", anyway? That's not a noun! Goodness gracious! Anyway, my grandmother was a CERTIFIED...PROFESSIONAL...SECRETARY. I'm not sure if they have those anymore, but my grandmother was one and she could short-hand like a mad man. The entire Constitution could be reduced to two loopty-loos. I loved going with her to work. If you needed two blank pages with scribbles on them stapled, stamped, highlighted, taped and stapled once more, I was your woman.
#2 ACTRESS IN A DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL: I'm not sure if there are lots of dog food commercials on-air anymore because I don't watch commercials. Do I look like I don't have a DVR to you? Back in the 80's, Alpo was all the rage. Those actors and actresses would show that juicy morsel of meat up close on the screen and cut into it with a fork to show you the inside. That little piece of dog food looked delicious! I wanted to eat it through my TV screen! So, you can better believe when we were eating Chef Boyardee's spaghetti and meatballs, I cut through that meatball and pretended I was in a dog food commercial. I was really good at it, too. That meatball was evenly cut. No lopsided meatball cuttin' going on in my kitchen.
#3 ACTRESS IN A BOUNTY COMMERCIAL: Just under wanting to be an actress in a dog food commercial was wanting to be an actress in a Bounty commercial. I loved how the screen was split in two with one side the unfortunate recipient of Horrible Paper Towel trying to wipe up a spill and the other side getting Bounty. Horrible Paper Towel just kept wiping and smearing and wiping and disintegrating right in front of our eyes while Bounty got it all in one sweep. SO. IMPRESSIVE. I wanted to impress people by wiping stuff up with Bounty. WHY COULDN'T THAT JOB HAVE BEEN MINE?? WHY WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO WIPE STUFF UP WITH PAPER TOWELS ON TV??
#4 TOUR GUIDE: Hey, my life isn't over. I may still be a tour guide yet. When I get to be more rickety and old, I'm going to become a docent, which is a fancy word for tour guide, at a historical site somewhere. I really did want to be a tour guide, though. I once when to "Shark Encounters" at Sea World and loved hearing the cadence of the lady's voice as she talked about hammerheads and whatnot. When we got back home, I floated my cocker spaniel around the pool on a raft while teaching her about great whites and tiger sharks. She never listened, though. She wasn't the smartest dog and, let's be honest, she just wasn't that in to sharks.
#5 TEACHER: When I got older, I didn't want to be a teacher anymore. I could have gone to college to be a teacher, but I got my degree in something else. When I was young, though, I thought teachers were DA BOMB. They still are, of course. When I was younger, I think my obsession with pretending to be a teacher had something to do with my infatuation with stapling, stamping, taping, highlighting and stapling some more. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT WHITE-OUTING. I could get a stack of papers and pretend to pass them out all day. I tried making worksheets for my younger sister to complete while we played school, but can you believe she flat refused to complete my worksheets?! FLAT REFUSED! That still didn't stop me pretending to be a teacher, especially when I was with my friend, Aimee. She had an overhead projector, y'all! AN OVERHEAD! AT HER HOUSE! She had a real desk, too. I used to just salivate over it all.
Honestly, I still kind of want to be a dog food commercial actress.
And a Bounty actress.
*Sigh*
Are there any jobs you always wanted but never had? Share! Share!
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20 comments:
I will never stop wanting to be Carol Burnett, but hey, the dog food commercial (and yes, they still make them) would be a good gig too...but not near as funny as Tim Conway as the old man.
Love it, Kelley! You totally had me at Carol Burnett. Maybe you could've been Mr. Tutball's secretary, Mrs. a-Wiggins and fulfilled two fantasy jobs at once ;)
By the way, I'm a former 1st grade teacher (BK...Before Kids) and can attest to the job's awesomeness. Probably why I still feel so comfortable drawing on chalkboards...
See? You see there? This is why I love you. The Bounty commercial envy? Totally had that, too. *sigh*
Do you know why I'm a teacher? I GET TO TALK IN FUNNY VOICES ALL DAY! One stone, two birds. There's still time.
I wanted to be a cartoon character's voice on TV. I could do Rudolf well, but that's just pinching your nose and talking. :)
I was talking with another teacher (very young) about overhead projectors, and she said, "What is that?" Blasphemy. Even though we don't have them anymore, there should be some kind of memorial built for them.
I've always wanted to be a tour guide. Of what, I don't know, but always thought it would be fun.
I love the Bounty commercial one! I wanted to be an archeologist, until I had a job assisting one in college. It turns out that labeling pottery fragments was not for me!
I'm with you on the teacher thing - though I doubt they really do as much stapling in real life as I did when I played school. That's a lot of stapling.
I've done the tour guide thing at "the happiest place on earth"—my happiest day was my last. But I would love to do it somewhere educational or for a good cause (animals or artwork, not pirate costumes).
Oh, and my dad old friend did those "Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling" commercials back in the 80s. Yeah, not so cool irl.
My cousin and I used to play post office all the time. Luckily I decided to write instead. I've wanted to be a tour guide as well. There's still time. Good luck!
I used to pretend play like that too. I wanted to do anything adult like be a teacher or one of those girls who is kissing men in their bed.
(I may have watched too many Soap Operas as a kid)
I wanted to be a vet ... Then I found out you have to put them down ... I decided to be a mom instead. I do like pretending to be people in my head though. I think you would make an excellent Dog food/ paper towel actress. Very funny post
Haha! I always wanted to be a teacher, even went to school to be a teacher and now I'm an admin. I'm not a very good wife when I have to bring a ton of work home, and I'd rather be a wife anyway ;)
I remember wanting to be a teacher as well lol
I would make math worksheets for my brother and cousin :p
and they actually answered most of what was on the sheets :)
Tour guide is on my wishlist. The first thing I wanted to
be when I was a child, was to model lol... well not really
anymore, maybe if I was much taller ><
As kids, my cousin and I used to re-enact the Carol Burnett skits all the time..."Mr. Tttttuball" was one of our favorites. I loved it when the actors cracked up on stage.
I also wanted to be a "beauty shop lady" and do hair and make-up.
My favorite part of teaching is definitely the highlighting. Stapling is good too. Whiteout isn't as good as it used to be since they made us start using the non-toxic unsniffable stuff. Oh, and using the paper cutter!! That's awesome!
I'd love to have a job that was related to my degree in any way, shape, or form. The end of this year will mark year 3 of being unable to get a job after graduation.
Yep I wanted to be a ballet dancer but apparently I'm to clumsy.
Then I wanted to be a vet but there's to much math involved.
I also wanted to be in child care but found I don't like babysitting other peoples kids.
I though being a cop would be fun too but that never panned out.
So what I did was combine all of the above and became a stay at home mom/writer with multiple pets. Good times.
I too as a youngster thought tour guide would be a cool gig. It was probably mostly because I like the idea of being able to say to myself "I know so much more about this topic than all these idiots I'm guiding."
Have always been jealous of those women in the Bounty commercials--they get to wear white pants without random red splotches and peanut butter handprints on them (so, basically their life is perfect...). Hoping your dream comes true.
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