My husband once spent SIX HOURS inside Best Buy. SIX HOURS. That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 separate hours. We weren't married yet and he was purchasing a TV. He sort of obsesses over purchases. As true as that is, I'm pretty sure he was in Best Buy a little longer than expected because it was also the day he first saw Britney Spear's video on a gazillion different screens for "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Mmmm-hmmmm. Pretty sure. That skinny little heifer.
So, six hours. The man is capable of shopping and staying in one place for a long, long, long time with or without a Britney Spears video in front of him. Unlike many women, I don't really LOVE to shop. I grew up going to the mall a lot with my family and I remember daydreaming of sitting at home in my backyard reading or playing or something while going in and out of stores. I'm not a shopper.
When I find myself at a store that I am ready to leave but can't, I find ways to entertain myself. This is exactly what happened at Home Depot last week. We are getting our house ready to sell, so we needed lots of different things from the store. After I did the necessary perusing and choosing and agreeing and disagreeing and "no way"-ing and "check this out"-ing and deciding, I still found myself in the store while my husband pondered and brewed and pondered some more.
So, these were the 10 ways I entertained myself within the orange and tan walls of The Home Depot, which, by the way, is another area of discussion. It's just "Home Depot", amirite? Not "The Home Depot". I mean, it IS officially "The Home Depot" but that "The" totally needs to take a hike.
#1 ANNOY MY HUSBAND
 |
| Deep down, I didn't give a rip what any of these things were and had no clue what purpose any of them served or, really, if they had any purpose in life at all. That didn't stop me from standing RIGHT next my husband, though, and acting like I did. As I saw him reach for something, say that red "actuator disc", I'd reach for the actuator disc AT THE SAME EXACT MOMENT while saying something like, "We could really use a red actuator disc." He smiled the first 200 times I did but was ready to ask the animal shelter if they accept humans at #203. |
#2 ADMIRE THE
ARTWORK OF OTHERS
 |
| I saw this lovely model next to the wooden shutters and started to giggle. That lady to her right is saying, "Girlfriend, how did you get the lead spot in this window treatment ad with those teeth? You are not better than me. You may think you are better than me, but YOU'RE NOT! I have on a cute necklace!!" #3 CONTEMPLATE SIZING CHARTS  #4 SECOND-GUESS PRODUCT NAMERS  #5 GET NAUSEOUS  You may have another word that brings you down, but one of mine is definitely FLANGE. FLANGE. FLANGE. No way. Noooooo way. Not a fan. #6 BECOME INDIGNANT OVER REALLY, REALLY STUPID THINGS  #7 PRETEND I'M IN A SCARY MOVIE  #8 BECOME SIDETRACKED BY SINKS  #9 SYMPATHIZE WITH AWKWARD TOOLS  #10 LOOK FOR WORDS WITH FRIENDS WORDS TO IMPRESS PEOPLE THAT ARE BEATING ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE MY COUSIN IN FLORIDA, SCOTT.  |
Feel free to use any of my ideas for your entertainment the next time you are at Home Depot or Loew's. You may have a long list of your own and don't need mine at all. Maybe your list includes playing on the tractors? Seriously, please don't be stingy with your good ideas. Share them with us! Make Home Depot such a fun place to be that you consider taking a family vacation there and encourage others to do the same!
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60 comments:
Hahahaha Kelley those are AWESOME ideas! We should send my husband and yours shopping together, sounds like they have much in common!!
Which would leave us free to....find other ways to entertain us!
That sink looks more like a serving tray. I am very confused.
Also, nothing ever good came of a defiant flashlight. I thought everybody knew this?
Hi, I just found you thru Kim's blog (LMSBS). Love it! In the words of Arnold, "'ll be back...."
Hahaha! Great ideas! My husband loves hardware stores and IT DRIVES ME INSANE.
Maybe I'll try those ideas in the sporting goods store. OMG that place makes me want to die. Usually my Hubby follows ME around the Depot (give a girl a hammer and...). Ooohh...even better...I can steal these ideas when I'm evening gown shopping with my MIL!! Maybe I can fashion a shawl into a noose or something?
I linked up a fiction piece, if that's okay. I hope it's at least a little bit funny.
First of all:
SAE is a fraternity but you knew that...remember?
Second:
You googled heifer didn't you.
Last:
Most men prefer 100 watt over 40...hmmm.
Six hours?!?
Next time? Take two cars.
Did you forget how entertaining the self-checkout line is? :)
I love your list so, so much. This might - MIGHT - keep me from going insane the next time I'm at Lowes with Mr. Shoppy McShopperson.
Also, you are 100% right about those boobie lights. We have those fixtures in our kitchen (one of those things you tell yourself you'll change right away when you buy the house, and then never do). My baby makes the ASL sign for "milk" whenever she sees them - the same one she makes at me and my chestal region when she's thirsty. Those lights are just wrong.
OH, also, like an idiot I hooked a broken link in spot #3. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't attempt to do things with my brain before 8 AM.
Flange does sound like a bad word. There's a dessert that sounds much like this word, and I won't eat it. Flan!
I actually had a full-on temper tantrum in Home Depot once. I hate that place. Poor Stubby.
Funny stuff! And I agree about the "Sink People". It's ridiculous.
I am your newest reader. Huzzah!
But seriously, I was doing just about the same thing 3 days ago at our local hardware store thingy. So this totally made my day!
Also, my husband was changing the lightbulbs last night and I kept giggling and telling him he was touching the "areola". He didn't think it was so funny.
I think I died a little when you said "six hours"..in Best Buy? The longest I ever spent in there was three hours while I was getting a cd player installed, and climbing in and out of the washer dryer combos lost its appeal after hour number two...so that was awesome.
I find it much harder to entertain myself in the hardware stores. I can do about an hour before I start climbing things and building forts in the shower models.
I like to ask other customers if they need any help, and when they ask something I respond with "I have no idea what you are talking about" and give them a look like they might be insane. Good times.
Hilarious, loved it Kkell! And made a lot of us men happy we're not married to you! :)
Oh Kelley! This really made me laugh so hard! I love/hate The Home Depot. BTW-I put "the" before everything! The Cub. The Target. The Bar.
My husband does the SAME thing and it drives me insane. I've basically stopped going with him to any store when he is shopping. Once he has made his final decision I will go with him to check out whatever it is he wants.
~~~pretend you are in a scary movie...---
That's quite Alfred Hichcocky! X
OhMyGoodness. I just wrote a Home Depot inspired post. Great minds...
Also? Poor Stubby. *snicker*
The cup size on the light fixtures made me kind of wheeze-sneeze-laugh.
My husband's main obsession with THE Home Depot is to GET OUT OF THERE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.
While this may SOUND good to someone such as yourself (SIX HOURS? REALLY???) what it INEVITABLY results in is him needing to go back to return the wrong thing he bought, and try to find the thing he actually needed that was there but he missed finding it the first time because of his blitzkrieg shopping method.
I used to think the problem was THE Home Depot. After 25 years of marriage, 23 of which we have been homeowners, I can now assure you that the common denominator in my husband's shopping excursions is my HUSBAND'S shopping method: grab and run for your life.
6 hours?!?!
What did he do about lunch?
That hand holding the showerhead is freaking me out.
6 hours?!?!
What did he do about lunch?
That hand holding the showerhead is freaking me out.
Oh my gosh Kelley, that is the funniest thing ever! I practically refuse to go to Home Depot with my husband anymore - FLANGE or no FLANGE! But he always seems to sneak a stop in on me anyway!
Those are so funny! 6 hours???? WOW!! I just added mine. I do a Saturday laugh hop so I link up when I put mine up. Feel free to link this up:) Super cute!
I don't know what I would do if I were stuck in a hardware store for long! Also, that sink is very strange.
Oh my gosh, 6 hours? I would definitely end up on the tractors after all that time. I'm with you. I'm not much of a shopper. I would start causing trouble if my husband took too long in Home - I mean, The Home Depot. Happy SITS Day! I just started following. Seems like we have a lot in common! :)
This is awesome! I love doing stuff like this when Dave is in "guy stores" or stores that I don't find interesting. Thanks for sharing!
I will never look at lamp covers the same. Thanks for the laugh. Enjoy your SITS day.
The hand is terrifying -- I'm glad you made it out okay.
haha... "Girlfriend, how did you get the lead spot in this window treatment ad with those teeth? You are not better than me. You may think you are better than me, but YOU'RE NOT! I have on a cute necklace!!"
lol, this post was great!
# 8 is my favorite. I'm that odd girl that can't stand shopping too long, too. And I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with a husband who obsesses and mulls and ponders and strongly weighs his toilet flange options. :) Happy SITS day!
6 HOURS? Wow, you are a trouper! Your ideas are so funny! It's too bad that Home Depot doesn't have sleeping bags. That's where you'd find me if I had to spend 6 hours there!
Our fave thing to do at the DIY stores is go to the bathroom. I swear. With 4 kids, everytime we go there, we must make at LEAST 2 trips to the toilet, if not more. Apparently children find bathrooms WAAAAY more entertaining than the store itself. I'll have to explain to them your ideas so I can see more than TP and hear more than the loud drone of hand dryers! Happy SITS day
Oh my ... I would have waited in the car. Or at starbucks. Or anywhere else. But I do love your tactics ... I might have to try those sometime when the need arises.
Enjoy your SITS day! :)
#1 made me laugh out loud. Great post. Some days I'm glad I'm not dating a 'Home Depot' type of man.
Thanks for the humor Kelley, I was having such a horrible day! Happy SITS Day!
Too funny! I need to keep a list of these in my wallet so if I find myself stuck! Enjoy your SITS day!
Home Depot is just way too much fun. (insert sarcasm). You gotta do what you've gotta do to stay entertained. Happy SITS Day.
Funny stuff. I'm going to have to try some of this stuff. Happy SITS Day!
#7 with the picture of the hand and shower thingy is freaking me out! No more Home Depot (or wire hangers) everrrrrr!!!!
Seriously, what is their fascination with these stores?! If I happen to get stuck on a trip there, I just start coming up with all the ways we can "redecorate" our house. "Look at that gorgeous counter top!" "We definitely need a new toilet." "And while we're at it we should pick out some new paint for the bathroom that will match the toilet..." The money starts adding up, not to mention all the work involved! Seems to work pretty well... ;) Congrats on being featured on SITS!
My dad used to drag my brother and I to Home Depot when we were kids and spend hours there. We HATED it. Because every time we tried to entertain ourselves he'd get upset and tell us to quit laughing. "This is not a playground." It was like HD was the unhappy no fun zone. And we never ran around like maniacs. Just trying to lighten the mood. I guess that's why I instinctively married a man who doesn't got to HD or Lowe's except for once a year. And if he ever tried to keep me from having fun I'd hit him over the head with a plunger!
OMG, I could totally write something like this for when my guy takes to me to Fry's (it's like Home Depot for nerds) and won't leave. I totally get the long decision-making thing where purchases are concerned. But I bet your husband doesn't make SPREADSHEETS first, amiright?
Hi from St. Louie. Found you through SITS...and glad I did. Hilarious!
You are doing better than I do in Home Depot! OR, as I like to think of it, crack for men! I wil keep these ideas in mind next time I am stuck there!!!
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Oh my, I'm so glad you put this is your funniest posts of the year. I'm a new reader and probably never would have seen it. Why do husbands do this???
I don't like to shop either! The only thing that could make it worse is having the kids with us..... It doesn't speed him up one bit!
What a fabulous, hysterical post! I will never look at light fixtures the same way again. They've clearly never nursed a baby. That's all I'm saying.
Too funny! I'm with you on the not being a shopper part. And the funny thing is although my husband would not spend 6 hours in Best Buy, he will spend a cumulative 100 hours shopping for that same television set online. He begins looking at things and obsessing over the purchase years in advance of actually taking the dive. And that is just about the funniest thing to watch. Every day, it's just him and that iPad and when he says, "Honey, come take a look at this," I know it's something he's obsessing about but won't actually buy for another year or so. Too funny!
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Funny" #23!)" is kinda plain. You ought to
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