My husband and I met in college in Austin. When we first started dating, he lived in a decent apartment with three other guys. They decided they wanted a little more square footage and moved to a small house in DA HOOD not long thereafter. My husband and I regularly debate how hoodish it really was with him believing it was less so than me.
It was the hood.
And I know 'hoods.
So, anyway, he lived there. It really doesn't matter for the story's purpose that he lived in a kind of scary location, but I wanted to share it with you anyhow. Sets the scene, you know? He lived there with those same three guys who happened to all be home with some other friends when I went to visit around the spring of 1996. We hadn't been dating that long and I didn't really know his roommates all that well yet.
They were all watching sports of some sort on TV when I needed to go into the restroom to WASH MY HANDS. I didn't even use the bathroom.
Someone else did, though, if you know what I mean. Someone who left behind some, ahem, how shall I say it...evidence at the bottom of the toilet bowl.
Okay, skid marks. I'll just say it. They left SKID MARKS.
I was mortifed. If I walked out of the bathroom with skid marks at the bottom of the toilet, the next person that came in there would think it was me. MY THEN-BOYFRIEND'S ROOMMATES AND THEIR FRIENDS CANNOT THINK I LEFT BEHIND SKID MARKS.
What was I supposed to do??? Do I clean said skid marks? BUT THERE WAS NO TOILET BRUSH BECAUSE THESE ARE GUYS AND THEY DON'T OWN TOILET BRUSHES. One of the mothers of one of the roommates actually cleaned the bathroom whenever she visited FROM DALLAS. I'm pretty sure that was the only time that toilet got cleaned out and you know she didn't visit every week.
I wasn't reaching my hand down in that water to scrub them off either.
The only thing I could think to do was rush out, whisper about my discovery to my boyfriend, have him go in there and then come out. Then if anyone made the discovery, they would think he did it. Guys are shameless about their skid marks. Obviously.
So, I walked briskly out and sat down by my boyfriend, leaned over and whispered, "You have to go in the bathroom. Someone left skid marks..."
"What are you saying? I can't hear you-- YEAH! THEY SCORED!! Seriously, why are you whispering?"
Still whispering I say, "Someone left skid marks and I want you to go in there and..."
"Are you telling me you left SKID MARKS? HAHAHA!!!"
All game related chatter and noise immediately ceases. Somehow this conversation has been noticed by guys who were, seconds before, completely engaged in the game on TV. All at once, all the guys (not a single girl in there but me) in the room begin to laugh. And laugh. And laugh some more.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!! SKID MARKS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Kelley left skid marks!! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Still trying to quietly talk just to him, "Chris! I was telling you they weren't mine! You know that! I was telling you to go in there and take care of them. You know those aren't---"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!", they all continue.
"They're not mine!"
"Oh, Kelley, you know I'm joking."
He got the look. I. WAS. SO. EMBARRASSED.
I can take a joke and be the joke, but not when it comes to whether or not those skid marks were mine.
It's kind of like when someone destroys a toilet stall right before you enter, they disappear like a ninja, you emerge from your rose-smelling stall, go to the sink to wash your hands and then someone enters the restroom. THEY DON'T REALIZE THE ROSE-SMELLING STALL BELONGS TO YOU AND THE AARDVARK-IN-HEAT-WITH-AWFUL-B.O.-SMELLING STALL BELONGS TO THE NINJA. It's terrible. Really tragic.
Equally tragic is knowing one of those guys not believing that my boyfriend was joking and thinking that I left those skid marks that day.
I mean, honestly, is there anything more devastating in all the world?
(What would you have done?)
21 comments:
I was trained to believe that women never sweat, they glow. And they never leave skid marks.
We're like the same person!
OH EM GEE - I think I snorted while I was laughing so hard - of course the whole family now knows your story! Hubby thinks its awesome! xxx Nat
This is HILARIOUS!!! I'm still laughing!
Hm. Maybe march in there and announce to the fellas that you can't even wash your hands in that petri dish of a bathroom until whomever left a their tiger tracks in the toilet bowl removed them. Ew.
Though, I know you read 'Taking the Plunge" so are aware of what my father's advice would have been. Was there any Lava Soap in the bathroom??
I would have been the dork that flushed it repeatedly hoping they would be pulled off by the strength of the flush. It never would have worked and then everyone for sure would have thought I left them with the amount of flushes I had. In other words, I panic in those situations. :P
Everybody poops. Some more publicly than others.
Left town?
HA! Those bad boys, those very, bad boys! They knew it was them and they made you the scape goat...Baaaaaaad, baaaaaaaad....
I had heart palpitations just reading this. I think I would have punched my boyfriend in the wiener for announcing to the whole room that I had skid marks. Gah.
Oh geez! I cannot even imagine. My bf definitely would've been walking funny for a while after that!
Hahaha! This is awesome! I believe you...... it wasnt you..... or wait..... maybe it was you and this post is a way to explain it away.....
Hmmm???
NEVER own skid marks--yours or otherwise!
Hee Hee Hee: Skid Marks! I don't know what I would have done...most likely, I would have pretended not to notice the skid marks at all, assuming that piggy guys were used to their toilet being in skid mark condition.
Um, did you punch him in the stomach for blurting it out like that? I would have! Oh and I also would have walked out without washing my hands and say very LOUDLY, "I can't even wash my hands, it's gross in there! Y'all need to go clean it!" and that would be that. You crack me up!
LOL... I'll admit it. I almost left SMs today! 7 years of marriage and I was still mortified! LOL
I would have filled up a bucket with skid mark water and dumped it on his head. For real.
Years ago, I was at a New Year's Eve party where a girl (okay, she was a grown woman) with whom I'd gone to high school clogged the only toilet in the downstairs...
She got her husband to ask the hosts of the party for a plunger and he went in to "take care of it" but still.
The bathroom was right off the living room. There was no hiding what was going on.
I think if I were her, I'd have moved to Siberia.
And I'm not even kidding. I don't think toilets can clog when the water is frozen...
Oh my! This is hilarious...but not for you I mean. I know it's so gross how public restrooms are treated and then if you use the clean one but someone thought you left the mess in the other one? You almost want to just stop and tell them, "Hey it wasn't me!"
Oh, my gosh, this is laugh out loud funny.
In my very favorite adolescent kind of way!
I would have said nothing.
I might have flushed, and hoped that would take care of it. But then, if it didn't, the next person FOR SURE, would have KNOWN it was me...when it wasn't.
So funny, Hon!
That is such an awesome post!!! I would have gone out and announced to the room that somebody's Momma didn't teach them how to clean up their shizz, and that if there was skid marks in the toilet, that person has skid marks in their underwear.
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