Let’s start with the obvious.
I’m not her.
|Emily Maynard doesn’t know it, but her great-great-great-great-great-grandparents were the first ones to mix mayonnaise and mustard together on a hot dog. Their technique became so popular that the mayo-mustard combo began being called “maynard”. Not long afterwards, Emily’s ancestors changed their name from Vinkelschwarzkopfstinkelsteinborowitzansky to Maynard.
Besides the fact that I don’t look like Emily Mayonnaise-Mustard-Maynard, the producers of “The Bachelorette” would never choose me to be the main girl because they would somehow know about…
#1 MY MEMORY: I’d forget most of the guys’ names. I was once on a first date with this guy, Garrick. When we passed a sign for “GARRETT ROAD”, I said,
OBLIVIOUS ME: “Hey, look! It’s your name!”
HIM: “Uhhh…that’s not my name. Hellooooo, my name is Garrick.”
ME AGAIN: “Oh.”
Garrick. Garrett. Same thing. He was pretty offended, though. Oh, well. It wouldn’t have worked anyway. He made me watch Monty Python with him and he laughed hard at really stupid parts while glancing over at me to see if I was laughing. I wasn’t because he was looking at me. I’m sort of a rebel. Sorry, Garrett.
#2 MY BEDTIME: Some nights I pretty much hit a wall and fall over in a deep sleep. Like, I’m totally talking and then BAM!, I’m asleep. The men would all be “Where’s Kelley?” (we’re pretending here, remember?) and they’d find me sound asleep on the front porch using a potted plant as a pillow or something. Like, at 8:35 at night. Possibly snoring. (I highly doubt it, though, as I’m extremely dainty.)
#3 THAT SNEAKY WINE: With wine consumption comes a strong desire to sing into a spoon or hairbrush. My neighbor once had a Really Expensive Jewelry party (pretty sure that was the name of the company) and made some type of punch. Friends, it wasn’t long before a spoon was in my hand and my head was swaying back and forth. Wasn’t long at all. At one time, someone had a recording of it. I hired the CIA to take care of that copy, so I’m confident it has been erased. Anyway, if I were the Bachelorette and consuming all of the wine those drunkards typically do during that show, a conversation might go like this:
Guy: “So, yeah, I’m really awesome and I work out and stuff.”
Me: “Oh, well, aren’t you so co–*PARTY ANTHEM IN THE HOUSE TONIIIIIIGHT, EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE ALRIIIIIIGHT, BEEBEEBEEEBEEBEEEBEEE-BEEEBEEEBEEEBEEE….”
Guy: You’re weird.
#4 MY TEETH: Without my sister or friends there, who would tell me I had something stuck in my teeth??? This would probably happen to me the very first night when the guys would feel way too awkward to tell me that I have smashed food all up in my grill. I’d probably walk around all night “HAHAHAHAHA”ing with a wide open mouth and no clue that I look sort of like this:
|I heart Kristen Wiig. I want to be her BFF.
#5 HOW GUILTY I’D FEEL: It takes me a while to get over feeling bad that I turned down the help out to my car by the sacker at the grocery store. That one throws me for a loop every time. I always say no. Do I have no heart?? Sometimes I bet they really want to help someone out to their car. They want a little sunshine and I practically say, “I DON’T WANT YOUR HELP! FLEE FROM ME!” Don’t even get me started on how awful I feel for passing up a person’s booth at an outdoor arts & crafts show. All they want me to do is come try their jelly on a cracker or look at the little dresses they made for dish soap and I won’t do it. So dang rude. Takes me days to work through that one. So, this show would wreck me. I’d come back in after letting someone go looking like these guys below. I’d be inconsolable and they’d have to yell “CUT!!!!” and stuff.
I could go on to list other reasons (constant smiling!), such as the likelihood of me slipping up and saying the word “spiffy”, but I know I’ve kept you long enough (handing out the final rose!). You don’t want to hear (talking to guys I don’t really like because they’re still there!) anymore reasons anyway (hearing Chris Harrison act like he cares about how I’m feeling when all he cares about are ratings and being filthy rich!!!).
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#1 – Fifty Shades of WTF Did I Just Read? Fordeville Diaries
#2 – A Portrait of Polly (Pocket) Random Handprints
#3 – The toddler cat food diet Wub Boo Mummy
#4 – Things No One Ever Told Me about Potty-Training Mom of the Year
#5 – Basic Needs of a Wife Logy Express
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