The Never-Ending Phone Conversation: How I Cope

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This post isn’t going to actually tell you how to cope with a really long phone conversation, but it will tell you how I cope every time I talk to my lawn guy. Maybe you’ll get some ideas from my experience. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.

(I really miss rotary phones like this one. They’re much more fun to hang up, amirite?  Especially when you’re mad. They’re also more fun to dial. My grandmother still has one. When I visit, she thinks it’s JUST to see her, but, no, it’s to see her and that rotary phone.)  Source

The conversation below is between me and one of the nicest guys on the planet, “Jamie”, our lawn guy. He is a young, very polite college kid that will be very successful one day. We have had lots of talks about his major and his future, so don’t think I’m a total meanie after reading this post. I do ask him about his life sometimes! He comes from a great family and brings us Christmas cards every year. Christmas cards! That’s why I would feel horrible if he ever knew that I mentioned him here in the Break Room, especially since he is the lawn guy for the Break Room, too. I hope you all noticed the orange-chair shaped hedges just outside our little break area as you walked in here today. Jamie worked VERY hard on those. Please do not sit on them.

Because Jamie is so polite, I don’t think he wants to rush our conversations. I think that’s the bottom line. But, here’s the deal: we have a lot of conversations and every conversation looks just like the one below. When the grass doesn’t need to be cut as often, these conversations happen every other week. In the summer, they happen EVERY. WEEK.

Law.

Duh.

Mercy.

“Ms. Nettles? This is Jamie.”
“Hi, Jamie.”

(While I am waiting for him to respond, a baby bird somewhere is conceived, grows inside the egg, hatches, learns to fly, gets busy in the Burger King bathroom and then lays eggs herself.)

“I was wondering if you’d like your yard done this weekend.”
“That would be great, Jamie.”


(I use this time to cut every blade of grass at the local golf course using child safe scissors and then go french braid gray hair for six straight hours at a nearby nursing home.)

“Okay, we’ll be out to cut your yard this weekend.It’ll probably be on Saturday.”
“That’s great, Jamie. Thank you.”


(This time while I wait for him to respond, I fly over to Africa and dig 1,423 water wells and trim the fingernails of 855 village children, infants included, and the toenails of 2 or 3 tribal chiefs.)

“Oh, Mrs. Nettles?”
“Yes, Jamie?”

(While I am waiting for him to respond again, Oprah is in Chicago listing all of her favorite things to Stedman. This takes so long that Stedman has to get three hair cuts and five mustache trims.)

“Have y’all decided if you want us to re-sod your yard yet? You’ll probably want to do that before it gets way too hot.”
“No, Jamie, not yet. I don’t think we are going to do it right now.”


(During this break in the conversation, I collect every Encyclopedia Brittanica still in existence, make one very, very, very tall stack with them, climb to the very top of the very, very, very tall stack and obtain a sample of Mars’ dirt for my son to use in an upcoming science project.)

“Okay, Ms. Nettles. We’ll see you this weekend when we come by to cut your yard. Probably on Saturday.
“Okay, thanks, Jamie.  See you then!”

(Mark Zuckerberg counts ALL of his money four times in a row and writes eight love poems for his new wife during at this point during the conversation.)

Isn’t it ironic that her first name is Cha-Ching Ching?  Source

“Let us know when you are ready for us to re-sod your yard.”
“Okay, I’ll do that. Thank you. See you on Saturday! Bye!”

(While Zuckerberg recites his poems, I began to think Jamie’s favorite song has got to be “Never Say Goodbye” by Bon Jovi, only he probably doesn’t even know about Bon Jovi since he’s probably not even 21 yet. Since I’m still waiting for him to say “bye”, I sing the aforementioned song from beginning to end 200 times in a row and twice more in Japanese. It really is beautiful in Japanese.)

(I begin to teach myself the song in sign language when I hear…)

“Bye.”

Hallelujah.

(Thank goodness I finally got a clue and started the text messaging game.)

Are you a quick responder?
Are you a slow responder?
Or are you a juuuuuuust riiiiiiiight responder?

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Oh! If you are interested in learning about my Top 5 Ways to Get Back Into Your Bathing Suit Without Dieting or Exercising or Sucking In One Bit that I recently wrote over at Parent Society, you can find them HERE.

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