The point of this post is selfish. It is to help me get over a strong aversion I have to something I read about in my sons' book, Wish for a Fish: All About Sea Creatures by Bonnie Worth.
This one. THIS. ONE.
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(Hold. You want a narwhal break, don't you? Alright, STOP...narwhal time.)
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Break over.
Here's the fact I didn't want to face: Baleen whales have no teeth.
Oh, man. Give me a minute. Give me a dadgone stinkin' minute to breathe deep inside this brown paper bag I have in my hands. Inhaaaaaaaaaaaaale. Exxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxhale. Inhaaaaaaaaa--
Oh, wow. Wow. Whoa.
So, soooooooooooooo gross.
Okay, let's take a look at a NORMAL whale. The pretty whales they have at Sea World. The pretty KILLER whales they have at Sea World.
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See their teeth? They're gorgeous little white teeth? I mean, they can be mean, mean, mean gorgeous little white teeth that will tear us all to shreds, but, thank God above, they're teeth.
May I show you the baleen whale now?
As much as I hate to do it, I feel this is the only way I can get through the reading of that book up there. My sons love that book. I must deal with this awful, awful truth.
Baleen whales have "baleen plates" that help them filter food from the water. The blue and Humpback whales are types of baleen whales.
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See them? See them? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Goodnessgraciousabove, look at those things!!! What in the HECK?!? The dang thing eats with a white MOUSTACHE!!!!!!! I'm going to be SICK! This is more than I can take. Absolutely more than I can take. I'm trying to desensitize myself here, but I'm on the verge of calling 911. I need oxygen.
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Why? Why the baleen plates? I mean, I get it. They filter out what they don't want so they can chow down on the plankton. These freaky nets hanging from their jaws enable them to eat plankton stew, plankton subs, plankton enchiladas and plankton tortellini. Tortellini baleeni.
I get it.
But, I don't like it.
If I had arrived to Sea World and saw baleen whales putting on a show, I'd march my butt past the flamingos showing off by standing on one leg ("I can stand on one leg, too, you skinny pink bird! Whoopdeedoo!"), wade through the huge Shamu strollers ("This isn't the time to be taking out my kneecaps with a gigantic plastic whale head! I'm filing a formal complaint about that dingdang baleen I just saw during that show. Did you see the freakin' baleen?!? I NEED MY KNEECAPS!") and right up to the front of the Sea World to demand my money back.
"You expect me to pay full price to watch a whale with a white moustache hang from his mouth while doing flips?! He's got a dang moustache hanging BELOW his mouth. He EATS with it, son! He EATS with it. You think I'm going to PAY to look at white shreds of..what? HAIR?! Hair-like strands swaying in the water? You think I packed my bag, my kids' bags, half of my husband's bag, sprayed everybody with sunscreen, packed snacks and arranged for someone to get the paper from our yard so that I could come HERE to stare at nasty hair teeth? UH-UH!! No, sir! I DON'T THINK SO, MAN!"
That would be me.
What I probably need to do is find where this little girl is below and just spend hours playing that baleen like a harp. Maybe bury my face in it. Just get right in it's business.
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That sweet girl is petting the baleen like it's a soft bunny she just got for Easter. Like it's a horse's mane. Like it's a golden retriever. Did that girl ever know she's my hero? And everything I would like to be?
Okay. That's it, friends. That's all I can do today in the way of desensitizing myself. You can't push someone to take on more than they can take in a day.
Can somebody pour me a nice TALL ice cold mug of Pepto Bismol now, please?
Is there any animal, or part of an animal, that makes you want to dry heave? Please help me feel normal here.
17 comments:
At the risk of causing as much drama in The Break Room as an exploded plate of pizza rolls, don't those Baleen plates seem to do the exact same thing that we've always been told regular whale teeth do: filter. Maybe they are just at different stages of evolution. And, c'mon Kelley! Didn't you ever have one of those dreams where your teeth felt just like a big ol' hairbrush?
Oh, wait. ERP! I'm not feeling so well. HOLD UP! It's OK! Lookit that little pig-tail rascal . . she's pettin' that . . . PEPTO BISMOL TAKE ME AWAY!!!!
I'm with ya, Kel.
Maybe you should just think of it as a car wash type thing that the critter uses to WASH his food?
Can't say I've ever had this reaction to the sight of any animal ... well ... maybe those monkeys with the bright red butts ... though the aromas arising from their habitats ... that's another story altogether!
Wow, That open mouth baleen shot was jarring. I'm not gonna lie.
You are very funny, Kelley. :)
OMG I die!!! That is gross, as you rightly pointed out.
Stuff of nightmares.
Baleen- blaghhhh! It does gross me out more than a little.
OMG! I feel like I just LIVED freakin' MARTHA STEWART'S motto: Learn something new everyday! I didn't KNOW about the Baleen whales. Hmmm. It doesn't really gross me OUT because - I mean - I have no intention of looking one directly in the mouth, you know? But it DOES bring to mind men with facial hair. Mustaches & beards GAG me 99% of the time because I've RARELY seen a man who TOTALLY grooms his facial hair. So I guess I'd have to say Baleen MEN get a cringing reaction from ME! (C'mon - humans are in the animal species! Right? And, men? For SURE!)
AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Oh, for cryin' out loud, Kelly. Me and you, outta here, right now, far away from the baleen! AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!
:-) I totally see your point.
Pearl
Oh my I had no idea! I'm with you that is gross!
That. Is. Gross.
I'm beginning to find that I learn something more gross every day...with my 3 year old...and now bloggers.
Thanks Kelley for your contribution.
Haha! I can remember when I was about 7 years old and we were camping on the Oregon coast and the state parks used to put on these talks at the amphitheater at dusk. And it was about whales and baleen. And they passed around pieces of it. And I *loved it! I can understand if you don't feel like we can be friends. ;)
P.S. Frozen Planet rocks my world. The frozen finger that touched the bottom of the ocean floor? Fascinating.
Gah! That cannot be UNseen, woman! Gah again! I know there are certain things that creep me out like that, but my mind is blank when put on the spot (big shock.) However, I had to watch a skeevy coworker eat an ice cream push-up like he was making out with it today and so now I'm going to go bleach my eyeballs.
Wow~ This was better than a trip to seaworld! I feel educated!
I have a list of shows I can't watch before bed, and Whale Wars is one of them. Holy crap--I'll be there settling into bed and out of nowhere will come a Japanese ship lobbing weapon-like objects at two guys who foolishly went ahead of the ship in a BLOW UP RAFT WITH A MOTOR! And they're running out of fuel! (Good news for them is that the Baleens won't bite a hole in their raft. See they're not entirely bad.) ;)
Well that is weird the only animal that makes me want to dry heave is... well, the whole reptile and amphibian families.
Okay - I knew this - but still threw up in my mouth a little bit......
xx Nat
Urp. The only thing grosser than baleen are large gaping pores.
Oh, honey.
Well, I guess we all have our nausea triggers.
Thank God you like Pepto Bismol, because obviously, for you, it was made for such a time as this.
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Comments make me feel like I'm not talking to the wall. Don't get me wrong. I love talking to walls. Some of my best friends are walls. Still, I like hearing from you, so thanks!