It has come to my attention that some of you are walking around the Break Room without pantyhose. You waltz right in to my little area of the world with bare legs and I'm not sure if I can take any more of your disrespect. PUT SOME DADGUM HOSE ON THOSE LEGS. Be sure to shave, though, for crying out loud. Nothing worse than a lady stuffing her legs inside some hose and then looking down to see hair sticking out of them all cock-eyed or, even worse, tons of hair mashed inside of them. Yuck, ladies. Shave. Shave the legs. Also, I absolutely INSIST that you wear hose with sandals. Do you think I want to see your toes all splayed out in your sweaty sandals? No, ma'am! Shove those sweaty toes in some stockings, dagnabbit!
I like to go on fake rampages sometimes. I like to act like this is a real Break Room with a real chair and real Cokes. I like to pretend I'm the big boss that calls impromptu staff meetings like Michael Scott and Andy Bernard.
Let's get semi-serious now.
There are three main times that pantyhose cross my mind at all. You may find your mind wandering to these little nylon wonders much more often. Because I love you like I do, I want to hear your love story with Leggs. Since I am the one talking first, though, can I tell you about the times I reflect on these little black, tan, white, cream, navy and NUDE wonders? ("Nude" is my least favorite color name of all. I always want to tell "nude" to put some clothes on already.)
#1 When I see the "hosiery" aisle:
|Picture of the hose aisle came from here.|
For the record that no one is keeping, I am not a fan of the word "hosiery". Hosiery. Hosiery. Hosiery. Hosiery. "I need some more hosiery." "I need to update my hosiery collection." Do people say that? No, thanks. I have a fear that someone will say "hoeshurry". The potential "sh" makes me cringe and almost flat out ruins my day. I like "pantyhose", though I know some call them "stockings" or "nylons". My mom calls them "hose". "I need some more hose." Any way you say it, there are a bunch of them at every drug store I've ever come across. Boxes and boxes of them. Fifty shades of cream. Fifty shades of black. You guessed it, fifty shades of grey. (I have never read those books, FYI. I just heard about the dingdang things yesterday.) Somebody is buying them, but I never see anyone in that aisle. As I look for my eyeliner in the very fancy make-up section of Walgreens, I see the "hoeshurry" out of the corner of my eye. For a second, I can hear their voices playing out the scene in the picture above. I can't help but think of pantyhose when the blasted things are talking so much at the store.
#2 When I'm dressed up in front of my grandmother:
If you opened the top drawer of my dresser, you would still find some Sheer Energy. With my awesome "runner" patching power (using clear nail polish, of course), I can keep pantyhose around for ages. I have them in there somewhere. I also have black tights to wear during the winter with skirts or something. Although I still have some black pantyhose in my drawer, I can't tell you the last time I wore them. (Subconsciously, I am probably saving them for a bank robbery someday.) I most definitely haven't worn "nude" pantyhose in forever. Knee-highs? Nowhere to be found. My grandmother rocks the hose and the knee-highs, though. She rocks those nylons. When I saw her this past weekend while I was dressed up, she looked at me approvingly and then said, "You're wearing pantyhose, aren't you?", even though I had on strappy sandals. She just knew I would say yes, I think. She knew I would be the girl that wasn't walking around putting the entire family to shame with bare legs under a skirt. I let her down. I let the grandmother down. She didn't reprimand me or anything. She is not that way. But, deep inside, I know the grandmother was disappointed her oldest granddaughter wasn't wearing any hose. Hose. HOSE. (Weird word.)
#3 When I see them with open-toed sandals
It is hard not to let my mind drift to pantyhose when I see them in open-toed sandals. There are many, many, many women out there fond of this look. Maybe you are one of them. No judgement here! I know women of a certain era especially find it hard to leave the house without their stockings.
By the way, did you even know that there was such a thing as sandal-toe hose?? That last picture is for the woman who loves her some hose but wants her leg and foot in a nylon glove. I actually found the last picture on Hijab Trendz. (You can like them on Facebook here if you are interested in the latest hijab fashion.)
Ladies AND gentleman, I would LOVE to know your take on pantyhose. I would love to know what you call them AND if you still wear them (or, men, if the ladies in your life still wear them) with skirts and dresses, especially in the summer. Maybe I should still be rocking the NUDE HOSE?
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