You're wearing pantyhose, aren't you?

It has come to my attention that some of you are walking around the Break Room without pantyhose.  You waltz right in to my little area of the world with bare legs and I'm not sure if I can take any more of your disrespect.  PUT SOME DADGUM HOSE ON THOSE LEGS.  Be sure to shave, though, for crying out loud.  Nothing worse than a lady stuffing her legs inside some hose and then looking down to see hair sticking out of them all cock-eyed or, even worse, tons of hair mashed inside of them.  Yuck, ladies.  Shave.  Shave the legs.  Also, I absolutely INSIST that you wear hose with sandals.  Do you think I want to see your toes all splayed out in your sweaty sandals?  No, ma'am!  Shove those sweaty toes in some stockings, dagnabbit! 

Just kidding.

I like to go on fake rampages sometimes.  I like to act like this is a real Break Room with a real chair and real Cokes.  I like to pretend I'm the big boss that calls impromptu staff meetings like Michael Scott and Andy Bernard. 

Let's get semi-serious now.

There are three main times that pantyhose cross my mind at all.  You may find your mind wandering to these little nylon wonders much more often.  Because I love you like I do, I want to hear your love story with Leggs.  Since I am the one talking first, though, can I tell you about the times I reflect on these little black, tan, white, cream, navy and NUDE wonders?  ("Nude" is my least favorite color name of all.  I always want to tell "nude" to put some clothes on already.)

#1 When I see the "hosiery" aisle:

Picture of the hose aisle came from here.

For the record that no one is keeping, I am not a fan of the word "hosiery".  Hosiery.  Hosiery.  Hosiery.  Hosiery.  "I need some more hosiery."  "I need to update my hosiery collection."  Do people say that?  No, thanks.  I have a fear that someone will say "hoeshurry".  The potential "sh" makes me cringe and almost flat out ruins my day.  I like "pantyhose", though I know some call them "stockings" or "nylons".  My mom calls them "hose".  "I need some more hose."  Any way you say it, there are a bunch of them at every drug store I've ever come across.  Boxes and boxes of them. Fifty shades of cream.  Fifty shades of black.  You guessed it, fifty shades of grey.  (I have never read those books, FYI.  I just heard about the dingdang things yesterday.)  Somebody is buying them, but I never see anyone in that aisle.  As I look for my eyeliner in the very fancy make-up section of Walgreens, I see the "hoeshurry" out of the corner of my eye.  For a second, I can hear their voices playing out the scene in the picture above.  I can't help but think of pantyhose when the blasted things are talking so much at the store.

#2 When I'm dressed up in front of my grandmother:

If you opened the top drawer of my dresser, you would still find some Sheer Energy.  With my awesome "runner" patching power (using clear nail polish, of course), I can keep pantyhose around for ages.  I have them in there somewhere.  I also have black tights to wear during the winter with skirts or something. Although I still have some black pantyhose in my drawer, I can't tell you the last time I wore them.  (Subconsciously, I am probably saving them for a bank robbery someday.)  I most definitely haven't worn "nude" pantyhose in forever.  Knee-highs?  Nowhere to be found.  My grandmother rocks the hose and the knee-highs, though.  She rocks those nylons.  When I saw her this past weekend while I was dressed up, she looked at me approvingly and then said, "You're wearing pantyhose, aren't you?", even though I had on strappy sandals.  She just knew I would say yes, I think.  She knew I would be the girl that wasn't walking around putting the entire family to shame with bare legs under a skirt.  I let her down.  I let the grandmother down.  She didn't reprimand me or anything.  She is not that way.  But, deep inside, I know the grandmother was disappointed her oldest granddaughter wasn't wearing any hose. Hose. HOSE. (Weird word.)

#3 When I see them with open-toed sandals




It is hard not to let my mind drift to pantyhose when I see them in open-toed sandals.  There are many, many, many women out there fond of this look.  Maybe you are one of them.  No judgement here!  I know women of a certain era especially find it hard to leave the house without their stockings.

By the way, did you even know that there was such a thing as sandal-toe hose?? That last picture is for the woman who loves her some hose but wants her leg and foot in a nylon glove. I actually found the last picture on Hijab Trendz. (You can like them on Facebook here if you are interested in the latest hijab fashion.) 

Ladies AND gentleman, I would LOVE to know your take on pantyhose.  I would love to know what you call them AND if you still wear them (or, men, if the ladies in your life still wear them) with skirts and dresses, especially in the summer.  Maybe I should still be rocking the NUDE HOSE?


If you haven't linked up a current or past humor post of yours for Finding the Funny, it's not too late!  Go here.


LL Cool Joe said... [Reply]

Blimey I thought for a moment you were asking ME to shave my legs and wear pantyhose!

Alison@Mama Wants This said... [Reply]

I call them 'stockings' and I NEVER wear them.

They wouldn't look good with flip flops.

Kim Brison said... [Reply]

I hate pantyhose. I hated them when I was a kid, and I hate them now. I hate that they never felt all the way pulled Seriously...

shanan said... [Reply]

Wearing nylons with an open toes shoe? Shame shame. I hate nylons, I try to avoid skirts in the winter and just shave and let my ghastly white girl legs shine!!!

Chantel said... [Reply]

lol! Sandal-toe hose?? The creative minds at work behind this frighten me...

My mum still uses hose--to tie her tomato plants to stakes without hurting them. Totally its intended purpose.

Lindsay said... [Reply]

I call them hose and I wored them for the 1st time ever this month when I attended a friend's wedding. It was 20 degrees outside and I felt I was making the "proper" choice. And you know what- most people had them on too. I have to say by the end of the night I was rockin the flip flop and hose look. NOT cool, but I didn't want to take those babies off lol.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said... [Reply]

I call them lady-leg skins.

Kristina P. said... [Reply]

I wear tights, not hose. Even in winter, I might be bare legged unless I am wearing boots. That's right. Look at my nasty, bare legs all year round.

Dana @ Cooking At Cafe D said... [Reply]

I recently saw...I think it was an episode of The Chew.

And, Clinton Kelly, if I'm remembering this right, said that NO ONE should be wearing "nude hose."

I blinked. I must have heard that wrong, I thought. When I was in college that was my favorite color. That is, if was still white and pasty and hadn't yet donned some baby oil and fried myself in the sun.

After college, the Personnel (not H.R.) departments made things very clear.

1. You will wear hosery with all skirts.

2. You will not wear sandals.

3. Even if you did break Rule #2, you had best be sure you also don't break Rule #1.

To this day, it feels just *wrong* to wear a skirt without pantyhose. Good think I now work where I can simply wear jeans, socks, and gym shoes.

Yep, I said gym shoes - and I haven't been to the gym in years. Take THAT Clinton Kelly! :)

Jen said... [Reply]

Oh my stars! Pantyhose. I didn't know they were still main-stream. I thought only the pantyhose fetish people used them.

XLMIC said... [Reply]

Do they still make pantyhose? They are vile.

Anonymous said... [Reply]

Sexiest thing a woman can wear.

Cindi said... [Reply]

Haven't worn them in years but I remember my first pair of 'panty hose' as a teen. They were a right of passage. I was finally 'grown up' enough to have them. Boy how quick that changed! (LoL)

Kai said... [Reply]

I buy pantyhose ALL the time. I use them to make doll skin. 'Cause they SURE as heck aren't going on ME. In Houston, Texas? Seriously? Pantyhose & humidity equal extreme heat & discomfort. NO WAY! Never liked them anyhow! (But they ARE good for doll skin. LOL!)

Susan in the Boonies said... [Reply]

I OCCASIONALLY wear them when I have something extremely formal to attend, but honestly, they just make me break out in a cold uncomfortable sweat, just THINKING Of them. And I am not using hyperbole. They absolutely give me the cold chills. In the most horrible of ways.Gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!

My Inner Chick said... [Reply]

--Never. Never.

I despise panty freaking hose.

They are worse that BRAS! And damn, I have to wear a bra.

but mostly, I like my body being FREEeeeee.

Panty hose SUCK Rotten Eggs.

Yvonne said... [Reply]

My co-worker doesn't wear anything but flats. Nothing wrong with that, you say? Uh, there is when she insists on wearing those panythose liners or whatever they're called that you wear when you're trying on shoes at a department store. She wears them proudly in the office. It drives me insane! As for pantyhose in general? Meh, I haven't worn those things since I was in my twenties! I go bare. Unless, the occasion calls for such nonsense! (get it? heh)

lori said... [Reply]

I was just debating about this. I don't mind wearing tights in the winter, but panty hose in the summer, especially here in Vegas where it's 110 most summer days - yuch! But then I have the dilemma of showing my white, fat, middle-aged looking legs to the world with no shield whatsoever, or sweating like a skewered pig and wearing panty hose. So I just wear pants.

Insomniac #4 said... [Reply]

I feel like I wandered into the 'ladies only' break room, but I'll intrude for a second...

When I was a little boy (5? 6?) I had a brief fascination with the plastic egg-shaped container that the L'eggs came in. I used to grab one off the store shelf, hold it in my hand, toss it like a baseball, crinkle the plastic, and--when I was being a real brat--crack it open.

I'll let myself out....

Amanda @ It's Blogworthy said... [Reply]

I call them pantyhose too but then people get so weird about the word "panties" that I drop it sometimes so I can just say "hose" instead -- which is, IMO, worse. But I have a few pairs of black for skirts in the winter, one pair of textured brown tights and that's it. Actually, not true...I have a pair of white knee highs I bought to go with my honeymoon lingerie 5 years ago. So there's that.

Funny post, I laughed all the way through!

Debbie said... [Reply]

This brings back so many "not so fun" memories. In my 20's I worked in the customer service department for legg's Brands. I heard the biggest crap of complaints from women about their hose. They get angry - very angry. Anyway - no I do not wear hose with dresses or sandals. I use to all the time when it was "proper" but times have changed.

Aimee said... [Reply]

I HATE HATE HATE them!!! Don't care whatcha call 'em... Stockings, pantyhose, nylons... I call 'em "ew yuck! I ain't wearing those!" Mom made me wear them as a kid and I HAAAATTEEDD them!! Nothing's changed! I TRY to wear them out of respect when necessary, but luckily, it seems pretty socially acceptable in Tx these days so I can't say I have a pair on me, or in my house, at all!

Kimberly said... [Reply]

I wear knee highs but that is for my husband to know and you to find out...
Wait no...
That's for you to know and for my husband to find out...

hkey22 said... [Reply]

Nylons Look So Good On Men
I love seeing my husband wearing nylons and heels. I love seeing men with nice toned or muscular legs in nylons and heels. Men just have much more toned and muscular lower bodies than many of us woman and I love how nylons cling to ever toned part on a man. It turns me on so much to see and to feel a mans legs through nylons, and the best is when your both wearing nylons and you rub your legs together, oh that feels so good. More woman should be more open to seeing there man in things that accent his body, after all men just don't have the clothing choices us woman have, but yet they do, they can always wear our things. Check out our profile for more about us.

Why have women stopped wearing nylons? It's not as if their legs look any better without them.
Apparently they don't understand how sexy the art of just the right nylons can be. My husband loves nylons with the seam up the back with stilettos. Some men love women to grace their legs with decorative nylons. Some love tights and boots. There are many items of clothing women have abandoned that I find truly sad. Hats are one of them, and gloves. For that matter alot of women don't even dress up for a symphony or opera anymore, or to go to a restaurant. They don't understand how wonderful it can be to celebrate the power of their feminine beauty with clothing.

What's sexier than a woman wearing a black wide brimmed hat with one side down slightly over her face and red lipstick? Women aren't mysterious anymore. That's a crying shame. They would rather show it all or follow the latest trend than to embrace their own unique style. I guess that's always been the way of it.

But women don't have to be one way or the other. They can be many ways. I see it as a disconnect from their own feminine core. Its one thing to enjoy bare legs. Its another to deny nylons altogether for the sake of keeping up with some trend. They need to realize that more than anything a trend is a business decision from a manufacturer or a designer in order to promote him or herself. Why shouldn't women, and men too, just wear whatever style they want whenever they want? I guess they have agreed to be ruled by the fashion Gestapo. Such subservient creatures. They fight to be unique in their teens, then in their adulthood they blend back in so fast you can't see it happening. Fake individualism for the sake of acceptance. Money generated from 'trends' is big business. People tell the 'pawns' what and what not to wear to be 'IN'...LOL. What a joke.

As far as bare legs are concerned, self tanning cream is bringing manufacturers big bucks everywhere in the country. Some women just like to have bare legs. That's okay, why not? But to NOT wear something because someone else says so is ridiculous and what I call the giving over of personal authority. More than that, it demonstrates the disturbing drive of our society to be sheep led by some shepherd that knows so much more than they do. Its bad medicine..

hkey22 said... [Reply]

Nylons pro men here

Anonymous said... [Reply]

Odd thing, really, that so many women seem to hate them.

Simply put, in my office, you wear them or don't work for us. Yoiu don't wear flip flops of any kind. If it hints that you might wear something to the beach, men or women, you're sent home. A woman run's my HR department. Her idea. Not mine. It's more professional. It impresses clients.

Our Christmas Party is FORMAL. Black tie & gowns. You don't want to attend because you don't want to dress up? Not a problem. You don't get a holiday bonus.

Why is it formal? We invite high profile clients. Again, your appearance is important. The first year we did it, we assumed people knew what "dress up" meant. To all too many it meant that it was outside the office and they could wear their newest pair of jeans.

The younger generation seems to think beach flip flops, jeans, khaki pants and T Shirts are professional office attire. Sorry to disappoint you but it isn't.

You don't want to EVER wear hose? OK, then don't bitch and whine that you're freezing and your feet hurt in the winter when you just have to wear that micro mini skirt and 5" high heels.

If your hose are not comfortable, they are the wrong size or style. Learn to buy clothes.

Lastly, seriously look at your bare leg look. 95% of the women out there do not have the legs to go bare. Sorry, you may think your legs are to die for but when you hit your 30's you start to have changing skin tone, freckles and beauty marks get more contrast, you get spider veins even if you work out and your legs just don't look like they did when you were 18. And that spray tan crap? It gets all over everything. At least most intelligent people know that hosiery are a fashion accessory where that spray tan crap is fake.

Christine said... [Reply]

I don't care how nice you think your legs look, they are ALWAYS going to be more attractive in well-matched stockings.

I can't believe how LAZY we have all become.

And you are NUTS to think that we do not get more attention wearing them. I dress so that MEN are attracted to me, not so that some teenager (well, twenty-something) now woman will approve of what I wear.

Our HR person, a woman in her 40's, absolutely favors well-dressed woman, and this always means hose. You can see it in promotions. They do not even mind us going barefooted back/forth between our desks and the stacks when working late, as long as we are wearing hose.

What is the matter with all of you?

Christine said... [Reply]

Oh, one more current boyfriend never has a problem giving me a foot-massage when I am wearing hose. I think it feels absolutely wonderful. My ex-husband was generally the same, though he enjoyed tickling them too much sometimes (somehow, they make my feet more ticklish).

Anonymous said... [Reply]

I wish more women would wear hose instead of grossing me out with their dry scaly sick feet and legs. I don't understand how women can think its ok after putting on make up and doing their hair that its ok to not spend a couple minutes to consider their feet and legs. After seeing the uncomfortable heels you ladies wear I have a hard time believing nylons are really that bad.

Anonymous said... [Reply]

Thank goodness my wife has the class to wear brown nylons any
time she wears a dress, espescially with sandal heels.
It is the sexiest, most elegant, sophisticated look of all. I would be embarassed if she didn't. I don't know what idiot started the rule of no hose with sandals. It looks garish and common. Remember, a lady always has time for hose. Prostitutes don't.

shheeeena said... [Reply]

Women who are strictly anti are mostly flip flop slobs. I can't understand the comments about how they are so uncomfortable, well maybe in +100 degree heat but otherwise? A quality pair, and I'm talking Wolford not your drug store brand, fit feel and look sensational! The guys give you WAY more attention and that is documented!

Conni said... [Reply]
This comment has been removed by the author.
Conni said... [Reply]

Freak of nature here I guess.....I like wearing pantyhose and wear them in the fall, spring and winter. I'm very fair skinned, so I've worn them a lot all my life rather than blind people with my white legs. ;-) I have a job where we dress nice, but we don't have to wear them.
My husband doesn't seem to be interested in them at all, so I was pretty amazed to discover that men like them as much as they do.

Sparkling said... [Reply]

I despise nylons, no matter the quality. And I do everything I can not to wear them. I had no idea people under 60 actually still wear them but I see a lot of people here defending them. I never see them, where I live, unless it's a 60+ year old woman! It's funny that you posted about them because I did too. But in my case, I can't seem to find anywhere near the number of pairs of nylons being sold like they used to!

Sparkling said... [Reply]


Oh, and now that I've gone back and read some of the scathing comments about the women who do not wear hosiery, I can attest that I am not a prostitute, I have amazing legs at almost 40 with nary a spider vein in sight and I do work out and stand on my feet often, I am not a flip flop wearer, I do not believe the office is the place for flips flops, jeans or stetch pants but I do not believe the hosiery makes any difference and I am ashamed that a woman would give promotions to other women because they wear hosiery. I can't believe anyone would support that kind of sexism in 2012.

I thought this was a funny post with a lot of funny comments but people are out of their freaking minds over this. Myself included. Nothing here has convinced me to wear them and if anything, I have more fodder for why I should NOT have to wear them to be successful in 2013!

Anonymous said... [Reply]

If you don't want to wear them that's your business, but by the same token not wearing hosiery is not something worthy of bragging about or worth of a praise or an applause.

Anonymous said... [Reply]

Than I bet you don't travel much, if you don't see women in hosiery unless they're 60+. Your home town or area isn't the world.

Anonymous said... [Reply]


Women who are strictly anti would not most likely be filling any spot on any top fashion lists. That's an understatement. Usually simple women who don't travel much and are not significantly very intelligent. I mean why would a woman brag about that she doesn't wear pantyhose?

Anonymous said... [Reply]


Hating pantyhose is something that I've only seen American women on. Women outside of US don't have any problems with things like hosiery, and outside of US hosiery is not an accessory, it's an item like pants or a shirt. I don't know how women can say hosiery is uncomfortable when your feet stick to the insides of your shoes when you have bare feet. Is that comfortable?

Anonymous said... [Reply]

I think there's nothing sexier than a woman in hose, and just my luck my wife hates wearing pantyhose. She's never tried stockings, and maybe once a year will wear tights. I think its a crying shame that more women don't wear hosiery, they wear makeup to draw attention to their face, push up bras for their boobs, why not wear hose to accentuate, elongate, and completely sexy up your legs? Those that complain pantyhose aren't comfortable, they should buy the right size and buy quality hose, not drug store or bargain bin hose.

Anonymous said... [Reply]

Just my 2 cents...

As a guy, I don't understand why a woman would spend hundreds or thousands of $$ on a nice dress/skirt and shoes and then walk around with nasty, pasty, bare legs. I see it all the time here, how gross! I lived in Eastern Europe doing contract work for quite some time and the women, my girlfriends included, wore nylons ALL THE TIME, with everything. Just goes to show you what a lazy culture America has become, especially the females.

Again, just my 2 cents....

Mike said... [Reply]

I love the looks of both women and men in hose. Hose/tights just make legs look so much nicer. I'm a guy and I like to wear tights myself.

Anonymous said... [Reply]

I'm surprised that no one has touched upon the practical side of this. Some of us HAVE to wear hose. For us, bare foot plus shoe equals blister. I would dearly love NOT to wear hosiery with nearly every shoe I own, but I'm miserable if I don't.

pantyhose library said... [Reply]

My conclusion so far:

american women hate pantyhose...
Women in the rest of the world understand that hosiery is sexy and that it makes them more desirable...
All men find hosed legs sexy..even Americans...

Anonymous said... [Reply]

@Anonymous I wear pantyhose every chance I get, and during the hotter months I wear garter/ stockings or thigh highs. Nothing better to make one attractive and feel so sexy.

Dr. Feeling Good said... [Reply]

Thank Gosh Someone knows this! American women don't get it! Their reasons are, too uncomfortable, too hot and too old fashioned! Ask any hot European woman and they laugh and say, I love them and it attracts men!

Dr. Feeling Good said... [Reply]

Uh? Must be a San Franciscan or most of California! I lived there most of my 40 years and my wife wore them regularly when we went out and I loved how the men noticed and women scorned!

Dr. Feeling Good said... [Reply]

Wow! I'd almost bet a Californian here!

Paige Junge said... [Reply]

I HATE pantyhose. They bunch and twist in the crotch and then you squiggle around pretending you aren't trying to unwedge them. They give me blisters at the toes because that stupid toe seam always ends up on the top, rubbing between my skin and shoe. Rubbing...rubbing...rubbing...
And they make me slide around in my high heels (NOT sensible pumps either). They make me slip forward and cram my toes against the front, which makes that toe seam rub all the more vigorously. Then my poor toes get cramped while my heel slips out of the back and I look like a dressed up ape clopping my way down the hallway, trying to avoid the blister pain at the first of my foot, stepping out of them at the back, all while attempting to wiggle the suckers out from my crotch.
Yep, that sounds a lot sexier than walking confidently in properly placed underwear, shoes with feet staying put and no rubbing pain. Please let me put on a pair because some dude thinks they're sexy. Yeah right.

pavolszentivanyi said... [Reply]

nylons for men here

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