“The Scrambler” (alternate lyrics to Kenny Roger’s “The Gambler”)

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Every time I hear this song, which is more often than you think because I’m getting gray hair now and like to listen to “The Country Oldies” station (I live in Texas, for goodness sakes!), I think of alternate lyrics for it for some reason.  I imagine me standing with my grandmother in her kitchen early in the morning and her giving me advice while my family sleeps in the house. If you aren’t familiar with “The Gambler” tune by Kenny Rogers, you can listen to it below.  If song parodies are your thing, click on the “Song Parodies” link in the navigation bar above for more.

(Imagine my grandmother and me standing beside Kenny Rogers with a spatula, frying pan and a carton of eggs, would you, please?)

THE SCRAMBLER

On a warm summer’s mornin’ in the kitchen holdin’ silverware
I met up with the scrambler, we were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns flippin’ around eggs while outside it was still darkness
‘Til boredom overtook us and she began to speak

She said, “Girl, I’ve made a life, out of feedin’ people’s faces
And knowin’ what their hearts were by the way they held their eyes
So if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re out of patience
For a taste of your *Pepsi I’ll give you some advice”

So I handed her my bottle and she drank down my last swallow
Then she bummed a peppermint and asked me to turn on more lights
And the dawn got really quiet and her face lost all expression
Said, “Parenting’s like a game, girl, and you gotta learn to play it right”

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to scold ’em
Know when to walk away and **know when to run
You always count your blessings when you’re sittin’ around the table
There won’t be time enough for countin’ when the growing’s done

Every scrambler knows that the secret to ***survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away in the fridge and knowing what to keep
‘Cause not every leftover is a winner and old deli ham’s a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to keep old pizza for a week.

And when she finished speakin’, she went back to scramblin’ eggs near the window.
But then spit out her peppermint and said ****”I’m done, I’m going back to sleep.”
And somewhere in the darkness, as the scrambler was a-leavin’
I heard all my kids awaking from their sleep and remembered….

I got to know when to hold ’em, know when to scold ’em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
And always count my blessings when they’re sittin’ around the table
There won’t be time enough for countin’ when the growing’s done

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to scold ’em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
Always count your blessings when they’re sittin’ around the table
There won’t be time enough for countin’ when the growing’s done.

*For the record, I don’t like Pepsi.  Don’t you see my Coke machine up there?  Pepsi was the closest to “whiskey” I could think of…  Should’ve just stayed with whiskey.

**I don’t mean run away from your children and never come back.  Why have you already called CPS? I mean running into your room and locking the door for a few minutes for some peace and quiet.  Or running away from laundry.  Or running up to Target and finding a cute shirt.

***For some reason, the scrambler chose to talk about cleaning out the refrigerator in the midst of her parenting lessons.  Just go with it?

****My grandmother would never do that.  She’d finish scrambling eggs, then start in on the bacon, check the biscuits in the oven, get bacon juice and start making gravy out of it, set the table, etc.  That lady doesn’t stop and that is still the case at 87.  I heart her.

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