Except for the color of it, of course. A white wine is not the same to me as a red wine, because, like, they're different colors. One is white. One is red. There are also "blush" colored wines, too, right? Okay, so white, red and blush. I guess I should change the title, but you're already here, so I'm just going to leave it alone.
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| Oh, get a grip, lady!!! Source |
A few years ago, my sister had free tickets to a Wine & Food event or something like that. The tickets were expensive, but they were free to my husband and me, so, of course, we went. When we arrived, we saw a huge hotel ballroom filled with lots of fancy restaurants set up with their signs at little black tables and then bottles of wine that supposedly matched the food perfectly. Also, lots of huge silver buckets at the tables with gallons of warm, old, wine spit. I had never spit out wine before (craziness!), so I wasn't sure what that was all about at first. It didn't take long to put it all together when I saw people with their pinkies out, swirling the wine, smelling it and whatnot, then tasting it and spitting it back out. Something so sophisticated quickly turning into something that seemed so savage entertained me. "That Martha Stewart-looking lady in the nice velvet pant suit just spit out her wine. It looks like she was spitting out her tobacco juice. HAHAHAHA!!!" (It became more entertaining the more wine I didn't spit out, obviously.)
For my sister's bachelorette party a couple of years ago, we went to a wine bar and had the back room for our little party. That was when I heard the name sommelier for the first time. A sommelier is someone who selects and serves wine, for those of you who don't already know everything. During the time there, I also learned about wine flights, or a selection of a few small glasses of wine meant for tasting. I learned that Riesling is a sweet wine, white typically goes with fish and poultry and red with meat. I think I may have may have known those last two things before, but I can't be sure. No, I'm pretty sure I knew that already. I mean, I do go to the grocery store and try the wine samples the nice ladies hand out near the cheese aisle.
I also learned that wine makers are liars. And that it doesn't matter (to me) if the wine was made last week or during the same year Columbus discovered America. They all taste just about the same. Although I will happily drink a glass, in my opinion, all wine can be summed up in three categories "sweet", "not-so-sweet" and "This stuff is gross. I am not drinking this one."
This fact became crystal clear to me after my husband ordered some wine flights as a result of a Groupon he bought. MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO GROUPON. These wine flights came in three different boxes. We thought it would be fun to sit down at our own house, taste the different wines and really try to get this wine thing down. With excitement, we reviewed the "tasting notes" and made some notes of our own (in italics). Maybe you'd like to see them?
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| Oh, for the love of Pepto-Bismol.... Source |
CHARDONNAY: "Ripe peach, mango and tropical flowers, plus a note of minerality." Stinkin' liars! There is no peach in here and you know it! Tropical flowers, my a**!
FUME BLANC: "Tropical fruit, lemongrass and a touch of mineral at the end of the long finish." Were we supposed to take a long time to finish this one? Dang it. Took me just a few sips. (Okay, I confess, I gulped it all at once like a Gatorade.) Also, I beg you to quit running your mouth about the "lemongrass". Please.
ZINFANDEL: "Classic zin flavors of strawberries, raspberries and plums." Were we supposed to taste strawberries, raspberries and plums because that wine totally tasted like that last one with the minerals or whatever. YOU HAD MY HOPES UP THAT I WAS ABOUT TO DRINK A WINE SMOOTHIE!!! The disappointment I'm feeling is IMMENSE!
MERLOT: "This is a Cabernet lovers' merlot! Full-bodied, with strawberries, cherries, licorice and coffee." Stop making this sound like a Twizzler latte! You know there are NO CHERRIES in here anywhere! You're out of control, Tasting Notes Writer. (But, I DO appreciate the fun you let me have by helping me imagine a guy in a turtleneck saying, "Me? Oh, I'm a Cabernet man. Love Cabernet. I guess you could consider me a Cabernet LOVER. HAHAHAHA!!! Guilty! HAHAHA!!! I'm not one to trust anybody, especially when it comes to my wine, but if you say this is a merlot a Cabernet LOVER like me would enjoy...well, who am I to say you're wrong? Huh? Pour me a glass!")
CABERNET SAUVIGNON: "Elegant flavors of black berries, black licorice and cocoa powder." SOMEBODY HOLD ME BACK! HOLD ME BACK! Tasting Notes Writer made my mouth water for some chocolate and gave me nothing but wine that tasted slightly different than the wine I just drank. I do like saying "sauvignon", however. I may just always order this one so I can say the word. It makes me feel super fancy. Super French, sophisticated and super fancy. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon.
VIOLETTA: "Ripe white peaches, orange blossom honey and toasted almonds." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You said TOASTED ALMONDS!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Is it too obvious I'm not a wine connoisseur? Are you? Do you have a favorite wine? Please tell me if you do so I can order it when I go out. Tell me so I can make it even less obvious that I'm scouring the price column for a wine that is not too cheap and not too expensive and not too hard to pronounce. Also, tell me so that the waiter thinks he or she is really dealing with a hot shot, you know? I like for waiters to think I'm a hot shot.
**If you have a new or old funny post that you would like others to read, today is the last day to link it up over at "Finding the Funny"! We are still reading & laughing!**
32 comments:
This is EXACTLY what I say when I drink wine! Unless it's chardonnay. Then I tend to use the term "Lighter fluid" a lot.
I do extensive research. By that I mean I drink lots of my friend's wines at their homes, we try each others' out at restaurants, I buy different kinds at Trader Joe's and slip it on the grocery budget bill.
Tip: If I like a wine, I take a photo of the bottle with my phone. Then I have a memo on my SmartPhone where I keep Grocery Lists, Target Lists, To Dos, and it is titled "WINE". I write down the name, year, what the label looks like, where I drank it & how I'd describe it (fancy things like "so good with spicy pasta" or "drank it alone and it was like warm fruit mmm". (<-- I'm clearly a pro) This way, next time I want to grab a bottle, I have notes to refer to.
I tend to like stuff I'd call spicy, fruity, dry reds. I'm not a white wine girl. A few I really love:
Five Vintners Zinfandel http://www.fivevintners.com/Wines
I had this with Mexican food and almost died of wine love. The wine store guy let me borrow his aerator (we were eating at a BYOB across the street) and it did something magical to it. Mm. But I've had it since alone, with other food and it's awesome every time.
Sin Zin is also naughtily spicy good.
A good red I like with Italian food is Ruffino Classico Chianti. Hearty, so I need to eat with this one. Lots of garlic and pasta. Obviously.
Now I want wine and it's 6am. Thanks.
Sorry, the only drinks I'm a connoisseur of are protein drinks. And water. What a boring life I lead.
I am neither a wine drinker nor a wine taster. Now I remember why. It is entirely too much work. Chugging a lite beer was so much easier. Or ten or twelve.
You crack me up! I love this post!
Try a German wine when you can, I think you will like it! Here is one type I like: Spätlese halbtrocken
It is known as "off-dry" So between sweet and dry.
-Tiffany M
You'd think I'd be all up on fancy wines, being Italian, but I'm not. I buy wine that has good point ratings, so at leastI know I'm not drinking swill. Also, if we like the taste we keep buying it until we find something we like better. Some very inexpensive wines make it in the door that way, including wine in boxes.
For what it's worth, I've never been able to taste the plums and peaches and toasted almonds, either. Much less the oak flavor, which I doubt I'd recognize even if it was there, never having been hungry enough to eat an oak tree.
Well, uhm, I kinda like wine... I am certainly no expert in fine wines (i.e. anything over $17 bucks), but I like to try any cheap wines. Red wine doesn't agree with me (tannins or sulfites or something) so I concentrate mostly on whites. By "concentrate" I mean buy in bulk.
Can a differ between brands and varieties - usually. Some is good, some is swill, and some is like a heavenly nectar. But honestly, I'm not that picky, so long as it doesn't fall into the swill category.
Just remember when ordering out - a $20 glass is not twice as good as the $10 glass. And have fun with it. Cheers!
You have a grocery store that hands out samples of wine??? Must move there ...
Great post. I like wine and am learning a lot now that I'm in a wine club. I too like to say Sauvignon!!
I have NEVER been a wine kinda gal. NE-VER. Give ME a big old salt-rimmed glass with a frozen Margarita. I'll even choose beer & tomato juice (with a dash of tabasco, thanks) over wine! (NOTE: Since '93 I've been on meds which TOTALLY disallow ANY alcoholic drinks so my prior limited drinking has been NIL for the past decade.) Anyway, my 'play-parents' - unofficially adopted by me in my 30s because ... well that's another story - were Jewish. I'm NOT, but I loved joining in all the family holidays. And THAT was where I discovered a wine I actually LOVED: PREPARE YOURSELF - it had a sweet, grape-y aroma & it TASTED like GRAPES! Isn't that what what wine is friggin' SUPPOSED to taste like? Sigh. Anyway - it was Mogen David (Did I spell that correctly? Oh, well. It was cheap wine!) and I LIKED it. So there you have it - my extent of sophistication where wine tasting is concerned. SEE? You are FAR ahead of me! And a very happy Sauvignony weekend to you, my lil' friend!
I have to be honest here, I do love wine, (reds mostly) but I admit that I really do buy it based on the label, and the naughtier, the better! lol Seriously, they have some AWESOME labels out now and nothing ramps up the dinner party when you bring out the "menage a trois" or a "vixen." Lets see....there is one I think called "The Big Red Cock" (35 pound rooster pic on the bottle) and I could so go on! :) Cheers!
I bought my first bottle of wine, a few weeks ago. Now, being a Mormon, I obviously don't have a lot of experience with alcohol. But I wanted to make braised short ribs, and everyone told me I couldn't use cooking wine. So I bought a good quality, $6 bottle of red wine. Those ribs were pretty delicious.
I love wine!!! If you like a sweeter white, Columbia Winery from Washington has a Cellarmaster's Riesling and it is the best ever. Less than $8.00/bottle and so good.
Even if you don't love red, all my not red loving friends even like Marques de caceres Rioja. It's Spanish and you can get it at Costco or Trader Joe's for like $12/bottle. It's smooth and no peppery aftertaste.
Sigh. Did I mention I love wine?
Wow, incredible weblog structure! How long have you been running a blog for? you made running a blog glance easy. The whole glance of your site is great, let alone as} the content!
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What a fun post! I know nothing about wine and will drink most anything I'm offered. All wines taste good if you drink enough of them!
I like cabernet Sauvignon. My wife says it tastes like dirt. She won't drink it. Whole bottle for me. Case closed.
Although I'm not that much into wine, I do have a sophisticated palate. For example I can easily tell the difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb.
I don't drink anymore. I know, shocker. Bet I fooled everyone.
When I did drink wine, I preferred the sweet stuff (like Riesling, yee haw) because I just couldn't stomach the sourness of red wine.
Yeah, sommeliers would HATE me.
--I finally found the perfect red wine called ""CupCake Silk."" This is what I order when I go out :))xx
My favorite pretentious wine phrase to say is...
subtle...yet loquacious.
Which means nothing but sounds really wine-y, doesn't it?
You are so incredibly funny! I love going to the Tasting Room but it's too darned expensive for this single gal. So, most times I like wine bars and/or dives. :) But no, as much as I love wine, I am not a connoisseur by any means. My favorits to drink: Malbec, Shiraz, Menage a Trois, La Crema (but red) ---those are a few of my faves. :)
I feel like you're speaking a different language than I, Kelly. Being a Mormon and all I have never understood any talk regarding alcoholic beverages. I've always thought it would be nice to take a drunken break from my brain though... At least you have that with all the wine tasting, right? :)
Bless your heart.
No, I am NOT snickering. Why would you accuse me of snickering?
Smiling fondly, perhaps. A ladylike giggle, it is true, may have escaped my lips.
But certainly not a snicker.
Have you got somewhere I can spit this crap out? Because you're serving CRAP around here.
:-D
Just kiddin'. I really like a pink rosé that smells like pepto bismol. Really. And it's so THICK, too.
Spot on! Like the idea of taking a picture with your phone to remember. Seems like I forget everything these days!
I used to be all "Will it get me drunk quicker?"
But since my tastebuds have matured and I'd like to keep my panties on during social events, I have acquired a taste for certain kinds.
Pelee Island Shiraz (made on an island where I live...yes Canada has Island's.) it's so goooooood.
Unless the wine is called "vodka," I have no idea what it's supposed to taste like. You could serve me boxed wine and tell me it's a $900 bottle or vice versa and I wouldn't know the difference. But given my extremely low tolerance for anything with alcohol in it, I can guarantee one glass would make me opine about the "fruits" and "subtle notes" like a champ...as I dance on a table.
Let me just tell you that my husband is a wine expert. And by wine expert I mean he is a wine salesman and we get a shit-ton of free wine all of the time. It is awesome, except for the fact that I am not a big fan of wine. *GASP!* I know.
I just want to rip my husband's face off when he gets all pretentious about his wine; smelling and swirling and swishing it around in his glass.
I must tell you that if you like sweet wine I have a good one for you. It is Naked Grape Moscato, which is made by Barefoot, so it is dirt ass cheap but it is so yummy. You can get it at the grocery store for about $8. Score!
I am not a wine drinker at all, however if it's sweet and tastes like fruit punch yes I can drink it :)
I do agree with all of the concepts you've introduced in your post. They are very convincing and can definitely work. Nonetheless, the posts are too quick for novices. Could you please extend them a little from subsequent time? Thank you for the post.
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I like something that isn't two sweet or too dry so usually a good Pinot Grigio is a winner for me!
I laughed most at the part about your husband loving Groupon. HA.
I love this post, and I hate wine. I'm 38 and feel like I'm not a card-carrying adult because I don't enjoy wine. I attended a wine-tasting birthday party for my friend's wine-loving husband and my tasting notes included the following:
"This one is less poison-ey."
"Wet ashtray."
The official notes bore no relationship to what I tasted.
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