If I Met Me on the Street

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Do you see that “Outsourced” tab at top of this blog?  It lists the people that have guest posted here.  The list isn’t long and hasn’t been added to in a while. I was so very honored to have the writing talents of The Blog o’ Cheese (who now is all about the Twitter),  Gonna Kill HimThe Flying Chalupa, The Desperate Housemommy, A Beer for the Shower, Wendi Aarons,  The LG Report and  This is Not That Blog here in The Break Room, but, for whatever reason, I just haven’t been doing the guest posting thing much anymore.  Recently, I have been asked if there were guest posting opportunities in the Break Room.  A chance to be the janitor here for a day, so to speak.  That got me thinking that maybe it was time to give this space over to one of you guys periodically.  At the moment, I’m thinking of the second Friday of the month.  So, if you would like to guest post here in the Break Room, please either use the “Contact Me” form in the navigation bar or e-mail me at kelleysbreakroom@gmail.com.  I’ll even let you use my really good mop and broom!  (Also?  Unlimited access to the vending machine.)

Speaking of guest posters…there is one here today!  If you have not had the chance to meet April Nolen from That Nolen Chick, you have been missing out. She is one funny lady and is an awesome Twitter friend.  I love that she gets my stupid jokes!  You can find her entertaining blog here, her Facebook page here and follow her on Twitter here.

I bet April is concerned that I only have one orange
chair up in the corner of this blog. Sit in it, April.  It’s yours!

And here?  You can find the post she wrote for the Break Room.  Love it.

If I Met Me On The Street

What I would say to 13-year-old April:

You don’t know me, but I’m from (insert mystical hand gestureswith wiggling fingers here) your future.I popped in to give you some advice before I head back into the mists of time. Quitlooking at me like that. I’m not fat, I’ve had 4 kids.

I have two words for you – Breakfast Club. Watch it. Memorize it. Think about it. Not just about how cute Emilio is or how Anthony Michael Hall might be fun to hang out with or how dark and brooding Judd Nelson may or may not be, but think about what they’re saying: 1 – everybody is nerdy inside, not just you, and 2 – nobody likes Cap’n Crunch on their sandwiches, even that weird Goth chick, who just happens to be a beauty queen by the end of the movie. What do you mean, “What’s Goth?” Goth is…just stick around. And buy stock in Maybelline now. Eyeliner sales will skyrocket in a few years.
Oh, and when you get the idea to start using paper clips as earrings? Don’t. Just don’t.

So are we clear? Don’t roll your eyes at me.

What I would say to 16-year-old April:

Hiya girl. Yup, it’s me again. Seriously? You’re still stuck on the fact that I’m a curvy girl? Get over it. At least I run, which is more than I can say for you, Miss Lazybones-on-the-couchwatching reruns of M*A*S*H.

Forget that. I have more advice for you. First of all, rock that crazy head of hair of yours for all it’s worth. Big curly hair is super-popular right now, but it won’t be in a few short years. Jennifer Aniston will see to that with the “Rachel.” Don’t worry that you don’t know who she is –nobody does. In a few years, she’ll get her schnozz trimmed a bit and be a favorite of the paparazzi.

Kelley here. I just had to insert this picture from
this source. Now, go back to reading April.

Second, don’t fret that all the boys you have crushes on aren’t reciprocating. Just focus on getting to know people for who they really are underneath all their layers of personalized teen angst. Because every one of your peers has angst out the wazoo right now. In fact, you’ll learn one day on Facebook that the captain of the girls’ basketball team actually hates basketball and doesn’t want to play, but she’s scared of what everyone will think. What do you mean, “What’s Facebook?” It’s this website on the internet…wait. Never mind. Just remember what life was like in kindergarten – making friends and having fun. Yeah – go back to that.

And buy some stock in Motorola.

19-year-old April:
Hey girl. Good for you that you’ve taken an interest inf itness. Keep that up, for sure. Also, change your major. Now. Change it to Recreation. You hate Agricultural Economics. You aren’t passionate about History, and you really REALLY don’t want to be a teacher. Trust me on this. I know you’ll probably have to get a student loan or two since you’ll lose your 4-H scholarship, but just do it. You’ll be happier while you’re here. You might even have a chance at making a 4.0…scratch that. You might have a chance at breaking 3.5.

Also, be careful what you eat in the cafeteria. Stop eating pasta all the time. It’ll catch up with you sooner than you think.

Hey, check out investing in Apple. Do that ASAP.

21-year-old me:

Quick word about apartment life with roommates: just buy some rubber gloves and wash the dishes. Don’t wait for anyone else to do it.They just sit around and get gross (the dishes, not the roommates), and everyone gets mad at everyone else for not cleaning up. If the act of washing the dishes doesn’t elicit immediate gratitude from the roomies, don’t worry.When they’re married with kids, they’ll remember your selfless act and bless your name.

When you get married (it’s coming up soon, trust me), don’t pick bridesmaid dresses with puffed sleeves. Tell the girls you want them to choose their own style of tea-length dress in navy blue and be happy with what they choose. Because you will regret those dresses. At least if they pick ugly dresses, it’s not your fault. The flowers, on the other hand, will be spectacular. Trust the florist. Also, don’t go with the first photographer you come across. He’s a tool. What’s a tool? Remember the principal from Breakfast Club? Yeah. He’s a tool.

And start saving now so that you’re ready to buy stock in Google in a couple of years.

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