7 Reasons I’d Be A Horrible Contestant On “The Bachelor”

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I’m pretty sure “The Bachelor” has been on since Sonny and Cher met, which is right about the time the show “Survivor” became so popular and Betty White was born.  Also, Larry King.  Out of The Bachelor’s 1,542 seasons, we’ve probably watched 5 of them.  We happen to be watching this one right now.  Human behavior is a very fascinating thing.  (If I say it that way, it makes me feel like there is intellectual value in watching of the show.)

Bachelor Ben holding his dumb rose.Source

Last night, my husband and I thought about what it would be like if I were on the show.  Now, I wouldn’t make the cut.  For one thing, I heart one piece bathing suits and tankinis, which are probably forbidden swim wear on the set.  If, somehow, I were to snake past the producers and appear in the final group, and assuming I’m single, these are some things you would see happen with:

#1 The girls – At the beginning, I’d scope out the room for the girls that looked like they had the best sense of humor and then make jokes, do impressions and giggle the whole time with them. They’d eventually say, “Dude, we’re here to find a husband”, I’d tell them to go on with their bad selves and then I’d go do laps in the pool like I was training for the Olympics, complete with a swim cap and everything, until someone said it was time to eat. (I’ve never worn a swim cap.)

#2 The “Final Rose” – At the rose ceremony, when Chris whats-his-butt comes out just to say there is one final rose left, I’d yell out “CUT THE CRAP, CHRIS!  WE CAN ALL SEE THERE IS ONLY ONE STINKIN’ ROSE LEFT! GEEZ LOUISE!!” right in the middle of his sentence.

#3 My hearing loss – It is well-documented on this blog that I have a hearing loss.  My husband said when Chris says “Ladies, the final rose”, I’d hear, “Ladies, get in two rows” and try to arrange all the ladies into two lines right smack dab in the middle of that stupid, stupid, heart-wrenching ceremony. Also, if he ever said my name, I wouldn’t know it.  I’d stand there with tears streaming down my face in fear he didn’t choose me while he repeatedly says, “Kelley.  Kelley.  Kelley.”  Then, I’d faint.

#4 The faces I like to make– For some reason, and especially when I’ve had a little wine, I have the urge to show people how I can contort my face in the ugliest possible way.  The bachelor would not find this attractive.  When I was dating my husband, I’d smile at him, turn to my family and then make this awful face.  They’d start laughing (or crying- it was hard to tell) and he’d want to know what I was doing.  Eventually, he realized I was making a stupid face and then actually begged me to never, ever show him. (I did.)

#5 My Crockpot lasagna– Yesterday, I made low-fat lasagna in a Crockpot and all my husband could say afterwards was “Are you going to make Frosted Flakes in the microwave tomorrow?  Ice cream on the grill?  Pizza in the toaster?”  If I was on The Bachelor and got a chance to make a meal for him, I’d make this one just to see what he’d say.  If he made any snide comments about using the crockpot, I’d contort my face and then he’d call the police.

#6 My hair color – I’m super allergic to hair dye, but continue to try different types in the hopes that I find one that works. (None of them do.)  There is no way I could go on The Bachelor sporting gray hair, of course.  All hair dye makes my head SUPER ITCHY.  It’s like I have a really bad case of poison ivy.  So, just before the show started, I would have dyed my hair.  Then, every time the bachelor would try to approach me, he’d see me itching my head like a dog with major fleas and run in the other direction.  I’d run after him yelling, “IT’S JUST HAIR DYE!  I DON’T HAVE FLEAS!!!” while continuing to itch my head, which would make him run faster, which would then make me run faster and then he would probably spray me with Mace.

#7 Foreign country visit -They’re always jetting off to another country on that stupid show.  The one time my husband sprung a surprise foreign country visit on me ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT, I became extremely nervous.  It was irrational. I spent the whole time on the plane with a horrible stomachache and threw up in the airport just after we landed.  I’d be the girl getting crazy sick out of nowhere and then be driven off in an ambulance as soon as they landed in Kazakhstan or whatever obscure place the producers of the show chose.

Another reason I wouldn’t make it is because, as you can
see from this photo above, my head is very, very large. 

So, as you can see, it is HIGHLY unlikely I would make it as one of the last two girls standing there hoping he gives me a ring.  If I were to make it that far, I’d probably trip in my super high heels on the way (it’s SO hard to walk in heels when you’ve got a head that large) to the rose-infested stage where the bachelor stands smiling as he’s surrounded by the ocean, then fall into the water and have to be saved with a flotation device, which I’d keep falling off of because I’d be crying so hard.  THAT’S how it would go if I was on The Bachelor.

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