December 2011 | Kelley's Break Room

My Unofficial Compton Vacation Guide for 2012

As you think about places you'd like to take your happy family in 2012, have you considered packing everyone up, flying in the opposite direction of Disney World and visiting Compton, Calfornia? Surely, you've heard the songs singing it's praises from NWA and Tupac's "California Love"? People out there LOVE Compton and, so, I see no reason why it shouldn't become a popular vacation spot for us all. If you get on the official website for the city, it is clear that the citizens of Compton are trying to portray a different image than the one we all might imagine from songs like "Straight Outta Compton". Actually, their official website touts it as a place to "live, work and raise a family".

This nice family is absolutely LOVING the city of Compton!

So, here is a brief vacation guide for you to consider:

PLACES TO STAY:

Ramada Inn- A customer on Tripadvisor.com left this raving review copied word-for-word: 地理位置方便，床非常舒适。另外. How can you go wrong with that place, huh? Did you see what they said? Nothing but good things!

Crystal Park Inn and Casino- I have taken the liberty to feature just some of the headlines to the reviews from Tripadvisor.com to help you make your decision to come to Compton easier: "Good Bingo night out!", "Nasty", "Do not stay here.", "Dirty, dirty, dirty.", "Hate it.", "Crystal Park, worst hotel ever." Wow, they really like it there!

THINGS TO DO:

Celebrity Helicopter Day Tours: There were only two reviews for this attraction in Compton that uses a helicopter that flies you over The Olympic Stadium, Hollywood Bowl, Dodgers Stadium, Staples Centre and nods toward the homes of the stars. Here is one of the raving reviews of this hot spot: "Ich hatte über DER-Tour einen Flug am 21.4.11 gebucht. Statt der vereinbarten Abholung um 10 Uhr kamen Sie um 12:15 und dazwischen erfolgte eine Lüge nach der anderen (das Wetter, der Stau, usw). Wir waren dann genervt und mit dem..." Amazing review, right?? I'm pretty sure they loved it!

Historical Landmarks: Heritage House, Angeles Abbey Cemetery, Eagle Tree, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial, Woodlawn Cemetery

Celebrity Home Tour: Now, I don't know if there IS such a thing, but, I bet if you ask around, you can probably find someone that knows where these famous west coast rappers lived at one time. If there isn't anyone who is willing to help, do some research yourself and start a side business or something. These famous rappers are from Compton:

Dr. Dre

Eazy-E

Ice Cube...is not from Compton. He's from
South Central LA. Everyone knows that, silly!

PLACES TO EAT:

Pretty sure the most famous place to eat is Bludso's BBQ.

Also, Dale's Donuts.

So, cancel your trips to Disney World, Time Square, Yosemite National Park, the Grand Canyon and get your little behinds to Compton before their hotels book up.

Stay tuned for more of my unofficial vacation guides in 2012 to overlooked, under-traveled vacation spots in the United States. There's more to life than Orlando! If you have any towns to suggest, please let me hear them!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I need an inner ear upgrade. Stat.

Back when there were only two people that read this blog (one being my friend "PJ" and the other being my imaginary friend), I wrote a post about something embarrassing that happened to me as a result of my dingdang hearing loss. Embarrassing stuff always happens as a result of that, but this one was really bad. If I had it more on the ball, I wouldn't be repeating this post and would be offering you something new like The Top 5 Vacation Spots For Families That Love Danger and Impromptu Gang Fights (stay tuned for that later!), but, you see, my house is literally tore up from the floor up. This girlfriend needs to get back to throwing away and wiping off lots of stuff all over the house. So, I leave you with this post. The words in orange print are totally TRUE, but I might have exaggerated a teeny-tiny bit on the actual narrative.

The background of this post is that I used to test children's developmental language skills via standardized measures. When I sat down with this sweet three-year old girl for testing, at some point I asked her what she was learning in preschool. This was our conversation. Kind of.

Me: So, what are you learning about in preschool right now?

The 3-year-old: PARENTS.

Parents, huh? Oh, my! Parents are great, aren't they? Parents DO understand. Don't listen to Will Smith! You don't know Will? Anyway, I am a parent myself and I HAVE parents and they have parents. Some people have 2 sets of parents...

Sweet little girl: I said PARIS.

Paris! Oh my goodness! I am SOOO sorry about that misunderstanding. I just LOVE Paris! The only place I have been to outside of North America was Paris. My husband took me there in April 1999. It was wonderful! We had a hideous lamp shaped like the Eiffel tower for a while. The Eiffel tower... Did you know that when I went up that tower for the first time I had a stomach virus? I was crouched in the corner of the elevator as it made it's ascent to the top...

Sweet little girl's mom: E...Ex...Excuse me, miss. She said PARROTS.

"Well, don't I feel dumb! Knock me over the head, why don't you? Someone is going a little cuckoo, huh? Cuckoo! Cuckoo! That's me! One big cuckoo-head! Wow! Okay, parrots. I think PARROTS are a more appropriate topic for children to learn about. I was really snoring when she said "parents" and then I thought "Paris" was so random. What about America? I'm PROUD to be an American where I least I know I'm free, right? Call me Mrs. Greenwood! And I won't forget the men who died and gave that right to me [I'm standing at this point with my hand over my heart and violently swaying back and forth with my eyes closed and my mouth gaping open as I belt out the words]. Wow, look at me go. I just love America, but I also love parrots. I always wanted one but we got parakeets instead. A family friend kicked one over once and gave it a heart attack. Poor little thing died. Hello! Hello! [mocking a parrot's voice while bobbing my head forward quickly like a big, talking, colorful bird]. Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? Hello! Hello! [imagine me heartily laughing at my horrible im-bird-anation while Sweet Little Girl's Mom blankly stares at me]."

Sweet little girl's mom: PIRATES. She said pirates. Like "Ahoy, mates!"

Oh.

Isn't that just pathetic? PATHETIC! But, yeah, that chain of misunderstood words really happened. No one put hearing aids in my stocking this year, so I will probably have a few more stories for you like this one in 2012, unless I get that inner ear upgrade. I'm going to Sears tomorrow to see if they have anything along those lines on sale.

I Caught Santa

My husband said yesterday, "We sure do go to great lengths to lie to our kids, right?" And I laughed. How awful is that? I don't want to be a mother that lies to her children! This Santa business, however, is big-time lying and I guess we will keep doing it until they finally push themselves away from the table and yell, "NO MORE SANTA FOR ME, MOM!" (Peggy Sue Got Married reference. Anybody?)

Pay attention to this mug. You will see it later.

Both of my sons still believe. They are 7- and 3-years-old now. My 7-year-old came home from school a couple of times this month and said that some of his friends said Santa wasn't real. He is in the first-grade, so many of his friends are still 6. His birthday is in October. When asked what he said in return, he replied that most of his friends told that kid that Santa IS real. He was quite disgusted with the fact that someone would have the nerve to say Santa wasn't real. It is possible that he may have some doubt, however.

My three-year-old? He's all about it, which you would expect, of course. He wants to sit on every Santa's lap he passes. Here's the deal: he wants a bike. He HAS a bike, though. His bike isn't even that old. One of the training wheels came off, though, and he needs a new training wheel. My 7-year-old needs a new bike, so when he asked Santa for one, my 3-year-old decided he needed a new one. I keep telling the 3-year-old that I was going to tell Santa he didn't need a new bike, because his bike was fine. The look he gives me is priceless. He asked Santa for that bike and how dare I interfere with the deal those two are making! When we are at the mall recently, he begged to go sit in Santa's lap AGAIN. I told him that we had already sat on Santa's lap three times. There wasn't a line, though, so I finally agreed. He marched up to Santa very confidently, sat on his lap, told him he wanted a blue bike very matter-of-factly, hopped off and looked at me as if to say, "That business is taken care of, Mom."

We'll see what Santa decides to do.

Because the two believe in Santa like they do, I have gone to two websites to kind of play along. The first one is Portable North Pole. This is the website where you enter some information in about your child and then Santa uses it in a personalized video. They were GLUED to the computer screen witnessing their fate with the "Naughty or Nice Machine". While my three-year-old was watching it, I made his drink in a Santa mug. He told me, "I want to show Santa!" I didn't know what he meant, but within seconds I see him march over to where the Santa video was playing and hold his cup to the screen. Sweet dude thought Santa would be able to see it. Don't worry. I didn't let him hold his cup up there for long.

There's the mug!

The other website is ICaughtSanta.com. This is a website that is very easy to use and allows you to print pictures of Santa in your home! Crazy, right? After taking a picture of my tree and our fireplace, I uploaded the pictures, used their software to superimpose Santa on the photos, downloaded it and then uploaded it to Walgreens where I will pick up the photos for a total of 38 cents later today. My plan is to leave the pictures near the milk and cookies Santa has eaten with a little note for them from him. The pictures are normally $10 each to create on ICaughtSanta.com, but they are offering you all the photos for 50% off by using the code SANTA50 when you check-out. You can find this fun website here and follow them on Facebook here.

An example of an icaughtsanta.com picture.

(That's not my house, homies.)

So, yeah, lots of lying...or, can we just say pretending? Lots of pretending. I like that better. I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas!

*Although this post was sponsored by icaughtsanta.com, the opinions are my own.*

How To Gift Wrap A Snake

If you are like me, you are just about finished buying all the various snakes you plan on giving out as Christmas gifts this weekend. You have rounded out your assortment of garter snakes, copperheads, King Cobras and rattlesnakes and finally are sitting down to wrap them all. You know that your kids, grandmother, Great Aunt Ethel, cousin Bill and the newest addition to the family, 3-year-old Molly, would be sorely disappointed to open a package and finding anything less than a live and well snake. It crossed your mind once to tranquilize the sucker and give it to them all limp and lifeless, but then they would think it was dead on Christmas morning! Who wants a dead snake? NO ONE! So, that is why I have decided to come to your rescue with tips on how to gift wrap a snake.

Before we go any further, I truly cannot take all of the credit for these ideas. As I wrestled a python so I could slap a big red bow on his head just yesterday, I was getting quite frustrated and turned to my personal Facebook page for help. Many clever people had good ideas on how to gift wrap a snake to perfection. You'll see those smart contributors' name with each idea.

#1: Use the wrapping paper tube (Chris H.)

The issue here isn't the exposed head of a poisonous snake. The issue is that, DUH, they'll see what they're getting for Christmas before they open it up! Christmas is about surprises and there is no surprise here. (Also, during our gift wrapping trials, he kept slithering out of the dingdang tube.) My friend, Aimee, suggested stuffing the snake inside it and then wrapping the ends with ribbon so that it resembles a giant Tootsie Roll. A snake-stuffed Tootsie Roll! Can you think of anything more pleasant than that??

#2: Festive Rubbermaid container (Courtney)

This is a great idea, because you can just mix the tiny snake in with food that you have prepared for the Christmas feast or food that you want to share with a friend. At first, they won't even know a snake is in there! Hahaha!! They'll reach their hand inside and, BAM, they'll know instantly that something in there has teeth. The last time they checked, it sure wasn't the green beans! So, yeah, this offers an element of surprise and, as Courtney from Just Plain Jayne mentioned on Facebook, guaranteed freshness!

#3: Stuff it into a pillowcase (Gabriella)

Now obviously, you have the option to just stuff that King Cobra deep in the pillowcase and call it a day. If you would like the King Cobra to have a chance to check out the sights, by all means, let him. Just know that his head might give it away that the rest of his body is inside that sweet pillowcase and the element of surprise will be lost on your friend or family member. It really is your call. (That cute pillowcase can be found here.)

#4: Make it a glitter-y snake! (Eliza)

Eliza suggests not evey worrying about "gift wrapping" the snake, but covering it with glue and then sprinkling it with glitter. Really, this is an efficient way and festive way of presenting your gift. As before, they'll defnitely know what the gift is once they see his black slippery tongue, but they would find out soon enough anyways, right?? I love that the glitter is matched with the King Rattlesnake here. He is ready to party! Actually, I insist that if you give the rattlesnake, you go with this gift wrap option.

#5: Show him Rosie or Whoopi's picture (Adrian)

Adrian said that if you just show the snake a picture of Rosie or Whoopi, he'll immediately lose the will to fight and you can essentially wrap him in anything. If you are more of a cute wrapping paper person or you just love gift bags with lots of tissue paper, this may be the way to go this Christmas. This method can also be used to place the snake in a stocking, though it would have to be a rather large stocking to fit this python, amirite? Thanks, Adrian, for that tip!

Susan from Susan in the Boonies chimed in that one could keep the snake in place with thumbtacks, but what a mess that would be! Also, how painful for the docile and kind snake. No, no...tacks won't do. Meredith and Greg suggested killing the sweet creature, but, as I mentioned at the beginning, everyone looks forward to a nice, live snake at Christmastime! Where is the Christmas spirit here, Meredith and Greg??

Back to gift-wrapping...as you can plainly see, there really are so many different ways to gift wrap a snake. You need not be worried over how to present this perfect gift to your loved ones this year. Now, go get you some eggnog and relax!

The Jets and kids that grow out of the ground, that's what my favorite Christmas memories are made of...

My parents were really good at surprising us at Christmas, for birthdays, etc. They loved to see my face and my sister's face light up when we discovered something. When I think of Christmas, I think of the times they totally shocked us. Like, back in 1984 when Christmas morning came and Santa hadn't left a Cabbage Patch Kid for me. This is all that I wanted. I don't think I cried, but I was pretty disappointed. My mom then asked me to go throw something away in the garage trash can. When I opened the door, that bald plastic head was sitting in her Cabbage Patch Kid box on the hood of my dad's Dodge Ram Charger. My dad was in the garage waiting to take a picture of me. I was SO excited to get that doll. I'd show you my face in this picture, but I look horrid.

Me in front of the Ram Charger circa 1984.

Flash forward to 1985 when all I wanted was the cassette tape by The Jets. I loved "You Got It All" and "Crush On You". As my family and I were riding in the car one night, "You Got It All" came on the radio. I told them, "THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE JETS! This is the tape I want!" I had to be sure to let them know. They said they would remember. Then the radio played another song by The Jets and then another and then another and then...I realized it wasn't the radio. They were playing the tape they bought for me. YEEEEEEEHAW!!!! If I could have managed to do a flip-flop inside that car, I would have, except I didn't know how to do a flip-flop and I was inside the car, remember? Anyway, my day was made. My day. Was. Made.

There was also that one Christmas when I asked for an electric keyboard/synthesizer and got an electric organ with a Pat Boone songbook instead. Miscommunication with Santa was all that was about. So glad Santa didn't see my face when I saw Pat's.

Perhaps the biggest surprise of all, however, was the Christmas morning I woke up extra early to see my parents and grandmother arranging gifts in the living room "from Santa". Dagnabbit. Dag. Nabbit. Now, granted, it was last year, but still! Santa wasn't real??? Seriously, I'd be the kid you would NOT want to have. I wanted to go to sleep on Christmas Eve practically right after lunch so that I could wake up and see what Santa had left. Once I fell asleep as early as my parents would let me, I would wake up around 3 a.m. to see if Santa had made it. My younger sister would always still be asleep (LAME!), so I'd have to wake her up before going into the living room. Three a.m.! My poor parents had barely gotten into bed from setting up Barbie mansions and whatnot and there I was- wide awake- ready to play with all of the Christmas toys.

I look a little deranged, don't I?

They never complained.

My parents love for us and the way they loved seeing joy on our faces is something I carry with me all the time. It makes me want to do things that catch my kids off-guard in a good way. I know I could do better,too. Like, I could stop forgetting to move that dang Elf on the Shelf. I keep having to come up with reasons he's still dangling on the wrought iron Christmas tree decoration thingy. If you have kids or around kids, I know you want to make happy memories for them, too. I'm hoping my kids forget the not-so-good moments where I lose it after seeing all the couch pillows all over the floor..again. Also, the one where I yell "STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT" and contort my face in an odd way when I see them tackling each other in the middle of Best Buy or in the grassy area outside of Chili's or by the Christmas tree or near the...

Do you have any Christmas surprises you want to share? I'd love to hear them!

When Was The Last Time You Hugged Your Garage Door?

A very dear friend of mine (since the 4th grade!) went into her garage, opened the back door of her minivan, quickly grabbed the Christmas presents she had bought for her three kids and ran back inside to hide them. She went on with her life inside her house until it was time to leave for the grocery store. The kids piled into the car, she grabbed her purse and pushed the button to open the garage door.

And heard an awful noise.

She had never closed the back door of her minivan.

Ahhhhhhhh!!! Before she knew it, the garage door was becoming unhinged and the door of her minivan seemed like it was going to be ripped off.

So awful, right? Right at Christmas and everything?

Thankfully, the car stayed in one piece, but my friend, on the other hand, did not. She lost it. She cried. She buried her face in her hands. She cried some more. She wondered what she would tell her husband. Yuck.

Her situation reminded me of the time when my 7-year-old son was three. I was in our half-bathroom right beside the door leading to the garage. We were about to leave. He went into the garage and somehow managed to push the button to open it. Within SECONDS, I hear him crying and yelling my name. I run around the corner and see this (except this isn't my house or my car and, really, that isn't even my son. The kid in the picture is a cartoon, for goodness sakes. You think I give birth to cartoon characters? Awful, badly drawn cartoon characters at that??):

I imagine that he took the ride up on the garage door and dangled there for less than two minutes, but I'm sure it seemed like an eternity to him. At first, he probably felt like he was on a fun ride and then he, as the reality set in that this wasn't a ride like the mechanical pony in front of the grocery store that he begged and begged and begged his mother to ride every time it was passed, he likely felt like he was a pair of longjohns on a 1950s clothesline.

Although we didn't have to replace the garage door after that indicident, we had to have garage door repairmen out a time or two to get it back on track. Worse than that, I had to tell my husband that I wasn't there when my son dangled precariously over hard concrete while I touched up my lipstick in the bathroom. At least my son wasn't hurt physically, right? He didn't fall. I was there to grab him from the edge of the garage door, but still. Dude was scared.

(Totally gave my garage door a high-five and a hug after that happened, though. My Garage Door, now lovingly referred to as "Gary D.", was an excellent babysitter for those two minutes. Sometimes when we are in a tight spot and need a sitter, Gary D. has come through for us, such as that time we took a cruisejustkidding.)

So, I'm asking you, being the generous reader that you are, to share any stories that you have had where you've almost demolished your garage door by doing something really stupid. It would be awesome if your story is much worse than ours so we can print it out and show our husbands.

(Can't you at least make something up?!?)

The Truth About Legos

Today, my friends, I have two things to share with you. The first is this graph about Legos at my house. I think it explains itself.

The second thing to share with you is the link to my NickMom post from yesterday. NickMom is the new humor website by Nickelodeon. You may have already seen my link to it on Facebook and Twitter yesterday. If this is the second time you are seeing this, I am sorry and am forever in your debt. If we are together and I see a puddle, I will drape my coat over it so you can cross the street with dry shoes in an attempt to apologize. The post is called "I Wish I Could Be Like: The Mother from A Christmas Story". It is basically the picture you see, but with several bullet points about why I wish I could be that mother. Your support means a lot! Having you over there, even if it is just via a quick click HERE, makes me want to give you a high five. No, a hug. Maybe a high five and a hug? No, better yet, a high five, hug and a fist bump. No, let's just go back to the high five. Fist bumps are just not me. Fist bumps and I don't mix. It's like fist bumps are oil and I'm water. You know? We don't mi... Ohhhhh, you got it already. Alright, alright, alright.

Image Source

Thank you!

Someone stole my blog from me

Somewhere deep in the shadows of the internet crouched a person waiting, patiently waiting, for me to release the www.kelleysbreakroom.com domain name. Perhaps they walked away once or twice for a bathroom break in the span of a year, or maybe they just wore really, really absorbent adult diapers as they lurked in that corner. Maybe they had a cell phone and called pizza in a time or two until, finally...they were free to walk into the sunlight because the domain name was finally his. Or hers. They galloped out into the streets whoopin' and hollerin' things like...

"KELLEYSBREAKROOM.COM IS FINALLY MINE!!!
ALL MINE!!!! I will take the blog name she spent so much time thinking
about and take this Break Room radio while I'm at it, too. In a second,
I will go back and empty her entire vending machine of Coca-Cola products!
Maybe I'll even take her orange chair! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Meanwhile, I continued on with my life of taking clothes out of the dryer, telling my 3-year-old son not to cover every inch of the piano in Endust, watching "I Survived", tweeting, contemplating a SECOND Weight Watchers ice cream bar (they're the size of a newborn ant) and listening to my 7-year-old's awesome stories while completely unaware that my domain had been snatched from me. Just taken away deep in the night while I contemplated, yes, even a third Weight Watchers ice cream bar (which, as I just told you, is about the size of a newborn ant).

You see, it's my fault. It's all my fault. Typically, things are my fault, so there is no surprise here. A little over a year ago, I paid GoDaddy.com money to host this site. I don't get all the techno lingo, but, basically, you have to pay for domain names. I didn't want www.kelleysbreakroom.blogspot.com as my main website name, so I paid some money to GoDaddy.com and it was then called www.kelleysbreakroom.com. WELL, I was to renew it after the year went by. I had seen multiple e-mails that said there was an automatic renewal. I thought GoDaddy had my back, so I just let it go. GoDaddy DID have my back, as it turns out, and kept sending me e-mails to tell me that my credit card had been rejected.

I guess I missed those e-mails.

My credit card had been rejected because my expiration date had changed, not because I had received an entirely new number. So, just like that, my much adored www.kelleysbreakroom.com was swept away and now belongs to another. I wonder....will she laugh at all of that Kelley's jokes? Will she be BFF's with this new Kelley now?? And, who is this Kelley, anyway?? Is Kelley his or her last name? Will the new www.kelleysbreakroom.com be in reference to a physical break room, like a pool hall or something or will it also be a blog?

OR...did someone just take my domain name away from me in hopes that I'd pay a high cost to retrieve it back?? I doubt it. They probably realize I don't have the money to pay them for something like that since some of my favorite sweaters are from Target.

Still, I can't wait to find out what this new www.kelleysbreakroom.com is all about, if anything. If I don't like it's new home, if it in fact becomes a home and not a place where a greedy person is squatting, I may be tempted to drive over there and karate chop someone right in the kneecap.

If this is the lady that stole away with my domain name, well, I can't really
see myself kicking her in the kneecap. I may just take her towel.

SO, please note that I changed the web address of THIS blog to www.kelleysbreakrm.com, which corresponds to my Twitter handle @kelleysbreakrm. So, now the blog can be accessed two ways: 1) www.kelleysbreakrm.com or 2) www.kelleysbreakroom.blogspot.com.

I'm hoping that you readers are still out there and haven't fallen down the black hole with that old blog name. If no one finds this blog post, I will assume I have been lost in Internet Never Neverland forever, in which case I will just have to take a permanent break in my break room. I will drink up every last Coke and just sprawl out in that orange chair up there on the right like a nincompoop. When someone passes my the doorway, I'll yell out, "THIS USED TO BE A BLOG, DAGNABBIT!" but they'll keep walking. They'll actually pick up their pace and start running really, really fast.

Maybe this little mishap is a sign that I should fall of the face of the blogging earth and spend my time doing other things, like finally cleaning out my laundry room? And having a fifth Weight Watchers ice cream snack? (They're only the size of a newborn ant, remember?)

Thanks to the very nice and hard-working Jeff O. over at GoDaddy for ALL of his assistance in helping me fix this situation I got myself into...

The Female Arrogance Meter: How To Become Ultra-Confident In Less Than 30 Minutes, Give or Take, Depending On If You Take Absolutely Forever To Get Ready

People sometimes change when they talk to different people. Maybe they have one way of talking when speaking to their close friends, another way for when they are at work and another way when they're ordering a Big Mac. Women change when they wear or carry certain things, me included. To better illustrate what I mean, I have created the Female Arrogance Meter:

I obviously forgot the oversized purse.

With each additional square, that woman is becoming more and more cocky. You are probably not going to want to get into any kind of disagreement with a woman who has climbed all of the levels and is now carrying a small dog. They both will probably yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap right in your face, or not talk to you at all.

When I was in college, I had a temporary job downtown. The job was at a nice office, so I liked wearing a skirt and heels. One day as I strutted my stuff with quick glances in mirrored office buildings to make sure my skirt hadn't twisted sideways and didn't have any "runners" in my hose (remember those?), my heel got caught in the crack of the sidewalk while I kept walking. I had to run back, force my way through the crowd and put my shoe back on like a freakshow. My bar graph pretty much folded up like a collapsible cup then.

If you don't believe what I am telling you about this Female Arrogance Meter, let me show you Victoria Beckham before and after the transformation.

BEFORE

In this picture, Vicki B. has just awakened. She has no idea
where her sunglasses are located and the small dog is still asleep. She is
taking the morning slowly while enjoying her coffee and cigarette. She has
also yet to shave and is waiting for her smart phone to charge up.

AFTER

Here she is again after getting ready for the day. Isn't it amazing how
she even LOOKS really different now all because she has on heels, a skirt,
big sunglasses and is carrying that big purse?? If she had a small dog with her, were
on her smart phone and chewing gum, the Female Arrogance Meter would
be going absolutely crazy! (Homegirl on VB's left is wishing she had worn black shoes.)

Obviously, you don't have to be arrogant to be confident. In less than 30 minutes, get all of that stuff listed on the bar graph, and BAM!, you will feel ready to take on the entire world. (If you have only time for two, for goodness sakes, chew gum and put on some sunglasses.)

If you have anything to add to the Female Arrogance Meter, please let me know as I am constantly making adjustments to my scientific inventions.

The Four Incredibly Different Faces of Santa

12:00 p.m.

www.rd.com

"Well, kids, there's Santa! Why don't we wait in this gigantic line so that you guys can tell him what you want for Christmas, huh? Santa looks so jolly, doesn't he? Just like the movies! Nice full beard. Round tummy. Pink cheeks. This is the real deal, kids! Hold on...hold on...yes, ma'am? What did you say? Oh! Santa is going on a lunch break. Okay. That's fine. Well, kids, you know what? I need to actually go to the other mall for a present that I couldn't find here. Santa will be there, too! That Santa gets around! Let's go see him there. We'll get there fast and, besides, this line extends practically to that mall anyway."

12:15 p.m.

www.stevenstenzel.com

"Well, there he is, kids. Yes, you're right. It does appear that he has changed clothes. Aren't you a smart and observant little thing? Well, you know, Santa may have gotten some of that Kung Pao Chicken from the Chinese place at the Mall Food Court all over his coat. He probably has a few different coats, kids. Not to worry. He's the real deal, too. Well, yes, you're right. He is a little skinnier than he was just 15 minutes ago when we saw him at the other mall. Maybe he drank a Diet Coke and those "diet" drinks work really fast on someone as magical as Santa. I wish I were Santa! I'd drink about 5 Diet Cokes right now, youknowwhatI'msayin? You don't? Okay. Well, anyway, let's wait here. Ma'am? Ohhhhhhh. I see. Santa has gotten a headache from all of the crying kids and is taking a break? Okay. Well, kids, let's scoot out of here to another shopping center. Maybe Santa is going there to buy his medicine and we can be first in line after he comes out of the drug store. We'll just follow him around until he sits down and then I'll throw you two on his skinny lap."

12:35 p.m.

www.1023bob.com

"Looks like he's already sitting down, kids! Here is headache-free Santa. We will stand in line to see him if it takes all day. What, son? Oh, my, you're right. It appears that Santa has really, really grown much larger than he was just 20 minutes ago at the mall. Why, yes, you're right. His legs are much, much, much wider. Are you pretending to be a detective, son? You 're only 3! Maybe you're a little young to be choosing a career!! Maybe you need to stop being so critical!!! Well, really, I can explain this one. Before he flew over to this mall with his reindeer and his sleigh, he went back for seconds of that Kung Pao chicken, because sometimes you get a headache from not eating enough. So, after getting more Kung Pao chicken, he decided to get an egg roll, fried rice, slice of pizza, cookie, large regular Coke, sub, corn dog and some Dippin' Dots. Just like the Diet Coke worked wonders for him within seconds, well, all of that food piled on the pounds within seconds. So, yeah, that's what that's all about. Hold on, kids. Ma'am? This Santa has had enough of "all of this kid crap" and needs a nap? Is that right? What about my pictures??? I need Santa pictures!!!! (Deep sighs.) Okay, kids, I bet I know the place where Santa is going to go when he wakes up from his nap. Let's drive over there. I PROMISE, this is the LAST place we will go. I just KNOW Santa will be wide awake, well-fed, happy and smiling by then."

12:50 p.m.

"Finally! Well, look at that! Santa appears to be feeling much better! He is smiling and looks like he isn't hungry right now. Let's wait in this line. Swe...sweet...sweetie, no, no more observations. Nope, nope...Mommy can't hear you. That'll be enough. Okay, okay, yes, I can hear you now. Drop the dingdang volume, son. Okay, what was that? You think Santa looks really different than he did before his nap? Well, naps have a way of transforming a person! They really do, son. They really, really do.

SANTA!!! We are so happy to see you!!!"

If you have kids, do they ever notice the different Santas? What do you tell them? Did you ever notice them when you were younger?

I was almost kidnapped. Twice.

The Sandusky case and memories of the past have prompted me to skip the silly for today and focus on child predators of perhaps a different kind.

In 1983, the movie "Adam" came out on TV. It was about Adam Walsh's murder. As you probably know, his father is John Walsh and later became the host of America's Most Wanted. On July 27, 1981, Adam was in an aisle of Sears playing video games with some boys he didn't know while his mother shopped for lamps a few aisles over. When she went back for him, they were all gone. It is suspected that he followed the boys out of the store, or perhaps they were asked to leave by the management for being too loud, and was likely abducted at the exterior of the store. His head was found on August 10, 1981 in a nearby creek. They suspected that he had been suffocated and beheaded afterwards so that his body would not be identified.

After that movie came out, I thought about it all the time. I STILL think about it a lot. In 1983, I was 8 years old. Adam and I were about the same age. Sometimes I wonder if I should show the movie to my 7-year-old. I know that it would probably really scare him, but maybe that is what he needs. Maybe he needs to be scared. I think that movie helped me a couple of times in my life. After it came out, I remember hearing more about what to do in situations where you are fearful someone might be trying to "get you".

The first time I was probably around 9 or so. My cousin lived around the corner from us and I regularly walked to her house to play. A car started driving slowly beside me. If my memory is correct, an Asian woman leaned over and opened the passenger side door and asked me to get inside. I told her no, but she kept asking. After a couple of minutes, I just changed my direction and started running toward home. Because she is a woman, maybe it doesn't sound so threatening. I always remember, though, that there was a woman in the Jaycee Duggar case. I am not sure if she was in the car when her husband kidnapped Jaycee by hitting her with stun gun or not. My point is that women should be just as feared as men.

The second time, I was about 11 or 12 and was sitting in my dad's Dodge Ram Charger outside of Academy. To this day, I'm not a big fan of shopping. When I was younger, I definitely wasn't. I would always ask my parents if I could stay in the car and work on my homework or read or something. My dad said it was okay with him and he quickly went inside. The windows were rolled down in the vehicle. After a little while, I noticed a white "kidnapper" van facing me and parked a few spaces over. There was a man behind the steering wheel looking at me funny and he was talking to two other men who were outside of the car. One of the men started slowly backing toward the driver's side of my dad's car. I remember one of them saying, "I always either get too close or too far away." Something inside me told me to get out of the car and run into the store. I dropped my math book on the floorboard, got out and ran inside.

But one of the men followed me.

As soon as I entered the sporting goods store, my eyes quickly scanned it for my dad, but I couldn't find him. With tears streaming down my face and saying over and over, "Dad, where are you? Dad, where are you?", I ran to the back of the store to the shoe section and crouched behind a rack of shoes. I could see the man moving fast and looking around the store for me. It seems like I was crouching there forever trying to will the man away from where I hid with my eyes and panicking for my dad. Finally, I spotted my dad coming out of the dressing room. I bolted for him, wrapped my arms around him and let it all out. Of course, the man was nowhere to be found by then.

This scene plays out in my mind still when I pass an Academy store. I think about it when I tell my husband, "I'll stay out here and play on my iPhone while you go in Home Depot." If he was driving, I always move over to the driver's side and turn the car on so I am prepared to drive off if any weirdo gets near me.

Maybe I am a bit too dramatic and paranoid?

Scary people are out there, though. If I thought you had more time, I would tell you about the time I was followed in my car a few months ago. I will save that story for later. For now, tell me...

Has anything like this ever happened to you? Would you let your child watch the movie "Adam"?

If you are interested in reading more about child abduction statistics and strategies to teach your child in an attempt to avoid them, like running in the other direction yelling "no!", not wearing clothing with his orher name on it, etc., you can go to this great site on Kid's Health by clicking here.