July 2011 | Kelley's Break Room

Adult Diapers Need Decorations, Too!!

Babies and toddlers have the CUTEST diapers decorated with Elmo, Mickey Mouse, flowers and even Caillou, but, tell me, what do the elderly get on (not IN!) their Depends, hmmm?! NOTHING. A big fat nothing. Day in and day out they slide into their big, stark white (not for long), plain, plain, PLAIN gigantic diaper with absolutely no flair. So, the point of this post is to make my case and then offer a solution.

First, let's preview what the youngest among us are privileged enough to have displayed on the outside of their absorbent, piddle-and-poo-catching garments:

They even get to wear diapers that look like jeans!!

FYI, babies that are brought up wearing denim diapers grow up to wear pajama jeans. Not taking a stand either way on the pajama jeans. Just trying to keep it real (and make a subtle statement about pajama jeans).

But, back to the point of this post, WHY, I ask you, do those who depend on Depends not have more exciting options? This is 2011!

THAT HAS ALL CHANGED.

We've polled old people across the land to figure out what they love most and stuck it on the front of their adult diaper. This is just the beginning, folks. I am allowing you to get on the ground floor with this one and chime in with your suggestions on patterns and features that will make these Dependz (with a "z" to demonstrate a different flair, if you will) the talk of every Bingo hall, nursing home, mall walking club and church function out there. We are so excited to finally show you our first 4 styles for women! Men styles are still in the planning phase.

Older people love to get their cruise ship on, but don't you know those rough waters can make a lady leak? Even after she steps down from the ship and snuggles back under the afghan in her favorite chair, she'll want to remember her days on the water while her Dependz catches all that water she recently drank.

Your grandmother is going to yell "BINGO!!!" when she runs into these babies at her local grocery store.

Fox News can make an older person's heart sing, so I fully expect some "Hallelujah"s to spring forth from behind a walker when these are spotted on the CVS shelves.

I think we all know an older lady or two who loves her some Angela Lansbury in "Murder, She Wrote". Let her take Angie with her to the bathroom!

You know this list could go on FOREVER. We only have enough manpower and money to begin these four styles, but, like I said, we are always open for suggestions. Like, just the other day, a friend on Facebook named Adrian made shared these helpful words that we are exploring in our warehouse right now:

Don't just stop at pics...what about accesories or pockets? I nominate that you create "Cargo Depends." You know, like an I.V. bottle/bag pocket, also a small pocket inside a larger pocket just for wipeys, maybe a waterproof pocket inside the waist lining for cash and lottery tickets, a convenient rear flap for those "expected" trips to the bathroom (gotta' be green these days and promote not using these up so fast) and belt loops with special rings and hooks for daily necessities such as a denture holder or a clip for a bunion ointment dispenser of some sort......

Thanks, Adrian! With enough help, we can finally make a stand for the elderly, or actually ANYONE who has to depend on adult diapers, and let manufacturers know that we've had enough of those huge white, plain pants. WE WANT PICTURES! And maybe even pockets!

My irrational thoughts of being flattened at the bottom of a baththub and other childhood fears

My sister's neighbor has a map of her own house in the kitchen with exit plans and signs directing family members on what to do in case of a fire, like you might see on the wall of your office building near the elevator like this...

That elevator is not oozing sweet potatoes, Purple Lady. RUN AWAY!

Living in my sister's neighbor's house are a Mrs., Mr. AND AN INFANT. Although I know fire departments would advise you to develop an exit plan, I imagine the Mr. and Mrs. could have had a short conversation about the exit plan and placed an oil painting of daisies where that exit plan hangs now. That plan will be great to go over and discuss with the child as she grows, but, right now, that baby will be waiting for the Mr. or Mrs.' butt to get over there and scoop her the heck up so they can all escape. Infants are so lazy.

Thinking about this prepared family brought to mind my fear of danger and catastrophes as a child. Every night I would mention just about everyone I knew in a prayer for protection over them. I felt like if I didn't mention someone's name, that person wasn't going to be protected and it would be all my dang fault.

Bed picture from http://www.dabble.org/

I was so afraid of fires that I slept with a bag of things that I absolutely could not lose if there was a fire. I slept with the blasted bag every night. That fire thought he had me, but I HAD HIM! I'd kick that fire's butt and escape with the material things that meant so much to me. That Brownie duffle bag was stuffed to the brim with favorite shirts, favorite books, my purple Mickey Mouse diary, my Cabbage Patch Kid named Kathleen Barbie by her dad, Xavier Wiggins, and probably some tapes featuring Whitney Houston, Cindi Lauper, Michael Jackson and the single to "Eye of the Tiger" (bum, bumbumbum, bumbumbum, bumbumbuuuuuuuuuuuuum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

The natural catastrophe that I feared the most was TORNADOES. I remember my mom and dad often telling me that if a tornado was approaching, it would sound a lot like a train coming down the street. There were many days when I told someone to hold the phone and listen...HEY, does that sound like a train?!?!?!??? (To which they would reply, "No. It's the ice cream man.")

The actual moment where the tornado hit the house was actually not what I feared the most. It was the bathtub. My parents told me that my dad, my mom, sister and I would all need to pile into the bathtub if we were to hear a tornado coming over for a visit and it wasn't for a bath. Tornadoes don't have eyes and don't care if you've bathed! No, the bathtub was our hideout and THIS TERRIFIED ME.

Although I don't remember my parents explicity stating how we would all fit in the bathtub, my vision was that the most vulnerable would be on the bottom of the pile and the least on the top, so that my sister, who is 4 years younger than me, would be on the bottom resembling a pancake that an 18-wheeler ran over, I would be next, my mom after that and my dad protecting all of us from flying debris while crushing all of the oxygen out of us at the top.

I am grateful that we never had to play the stuff-our-whole-family-in-the-ding-dang-bathtub-game-and-deny-bloodflow-to-all-the-vital-organs-to-every-family-member-except-the-dad-when-a-tornado-comes. My dad is heavy. He's 6'3"!!

One thing is clear, though, my parents discussed emergency plans with us when we were young, though we didn't have fire escape routes displayed promimently anywhere. I am totally slacking off in this department. I'm fairly certain my 3-year-old has never heard "stop, drop and roll" all together like that. I need to be fired.

What were you afraid of as a child?

Do you have an escape route blasted above your mantle?

Where did you get that super cute shirt???

______________________________________________

Today's JUICE IN THE CITY Deal

for the Houston area

While we are on the subject of childhood, check out this awesome (and NOT SCARY) party for little girls (or if you are Brock on a recent episode of Toddlers & Tiaras) in A $175 "Princess Party" at Tiaras & Tutus for only $87. The party is for an hour and a half for 8 girls on a Thursday or Friday evening. Each additional guest is $10. "Your adorable little princess and her friends will have a blast as they do crafts, dress up in princess gear, style their hair and nails, and enjoy a specialty princess story and teatime, all while bopping along to party music and getting their dance on. It all takes place in the beautifully decorated tea room, using real china, and the honorary princess even gets to sit in a special "princess chair" while opening her gifts. Complimentary cupcakes are provided, along with pink lemonade to wash it all down, and outside food is also allowed for a $25 fee paid directly to Tiaras and Tutus. Today's deal will surely make for a memorable party, so grab it quick and make your little one's birthday a dream come true." The tea room is located in historic downtown Rosenberg. Go HERE to get this deal!

*Sponsored Post*

Kan I have a kopy of your house key so I kan kome in without knocking?

" I kan't believe you want the key back, Kourtney.
I'll never share my kotton kandy & kandy korn
with you again. KOUNT ON IT!"
http://www.popcrunch.com/

Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which mainly follows Kris, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall and Kylie (and Bruce), was watched by me for the first time the other day. On my DVR are several shows I've never seen but that I hear a lot about, such as Toddlers and Tiaras and Modern Family. My goal is to watch these popular shows at least once. I kan't sit down and watch every new kartoon or new kop show or every new show koming out of Kalifornia, so, most of the time, I just watch them once. It was the Kardashians turn this particular night.

Kourtney and Scott with their son, Mason.
They want their key back. Now.
http://www.usmagazine.com/

The show I was watching was one where the mother, Kris, was upset that her oldest daughter and her husband, Kourtney and Scott, didn't want her having a key to the house. Kourtney actually didn't seem to mind that much, but Scott had an issue with it. Kris would never knock on the door. She would just unlock the door and walk right into the house, as if she lived there. The scene that I was watching involved her koming right into the kitchen where Scott was located. He thought the noise he heard was his wife koming home, so he kalled out to her like he was talking to his wife. Mmmmhmmmmm.

What do you think about this? Does anyone have a key to your house, besides the people that live there, that is allowed to just walk right in unannounced? I'm kurious!

Summer by the numbers

Y'all. I am so excited. Since I am still in Arizona, I asked Wendi Aarons to come hang out in the Break Room today. WENDI AARONS. Those familiar with Wendi will know why this is such an honor- the lady is HILARIOUS. I laugh out loud at her blog on a regular basis (read: every time). Before she hit it big in the motherhood department, the smarty pants was working in advertising and in the movie business in Los Angeles. She has written for multiple websites, Parentwise Austin, written some sketch comedy, an unproduced screenplay, writes for Austin Woman Magazine every other month AND contributes regularly over at The Mouthy Housewives. She also helped to produce the Listen To Your Mother Show in Austin. See what I mean? Smarty pants. She's also lots of fun and nice sometimes. Okay, all the time. Well, maybe not all the time. Keep reading...

Current outside temperature in Texas: 103
Number of days it will remain this temperature in Texas: 103
Number of days since the upstairs A/C went out: 1/2
Amount of swear words uttered since the upstairs A/C went out: 50
Amount of swear words uttered that began with the word "mutha": 50
Number of times the A/C repairman was called: 6
Number of times the A/C repairman's secretary told us to "Keep your pants on, hon": 2
Number of times we told the A/C repairman's secretary to "Keep your own damn pants on, hon": 7
Hours until the mythical A/C repairman will arrive at our house: 24
Hours until we all go insane and maim each other with sharpened Popsicle sticks: 1
Current downstairs temperature: 75
Current upstairs temperature: 95
Odds that a cloud will form on the landing where the cold air and hot air meet: 1 in 100
Odds that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about regarding how clouds form: 1 in 1
Number of little boys who now need to sleep on the downstairs hide-a-bed: 2
Number of times little boys on the hide-a-bed will scream, "He's touching my butt!": 32
Number of times the little boys' dad will scream, "Mommy's touching MY butt!": 1
Number of minutes mommy will glare at daddy for making this inappropriate comment: 3
Bottles of wine needed to get through The A/C Incident of the millenium: 2
Bottles of wine currently in the house: 0
Average speed car will be driven to the liquor store to remedy this problem: 76 mph
Total amount of fine on speeding ticket received for the liquor store flyby: $102.00
Chances that we are all now strongly considering a move to North Dakota: 100%

You see what I mean? Man, I love Wendi. If you are not following her already, go HERE to follow her on Twitter and HERE to follow her blog.

Interviewing In The Break Room!

LG of The LG Report is being interviewed today for the "Master of the Break Room" position while I'm preparing to fly to Arizona with my two little boys to visit a dear friend of mine since 4th grade. (My husband has to stay behind to work. Feel sorry for him, please?) So, while I'm away, someone has to watch closely over the Break Room to make sure no one steals all of the Cokes and doesn't try to take off with that orange chair. Don't try any funny business with that NEW orange chair! It's attached firmly to the ground (with gum). LG is a really, really, really funny guy. His sense of humor is ALWAYS amusing! I look forward to his new blog posts all the time because I know I will laugh out loud. You'll see what I mean...

Kelley has been kind enough to ask me, LG (I refer to myself in the third person, which will become annoying to you very quickly) to sit in as a guest blogger in The Break Room today. LG is truly honored; he reads Kelley's Break Room regularly (never taking advantage of the free Cokes however) and loves her creativity and sense of humor.

LG suspects, however, that Kelley may have asked him to guest blog so that her readers will be that much happier when she returns. Just a hunch. You be the judge...

LG has been blogging for over a year at The LG Report but has never, until today, served as a guest blogger for anyone. He's getting a little verklempt here.

Unfortunately, LG just found out that one must interview for the position of Master of the Break Room in Kelley's absence. It's not an honor that's just handed over on a microwave-safe platter.

Here's the transcript of LG's tête-à-tête with the Human Resources Director of the company in which Kelley's Break Room is housed (LG doesn't know the name of the company, but it doesn't really matter, the Break Room is the main focus....)

__________________________________________

"SHOW ME TO THAT THREE-
WEEK-OLD EGG SANDWICH!"
http://www.thebigredguide.com/

Faceless Interviewer: So what makes you think that you're qualified to take over for Kelley in running the Break Room while she's on vacation with her family? And, by the way, let's get this on the table now: We don't like your face.

LG: Thank you sir, it's a pleasure to be here. I'm a semi-personal friend of Kelley's, as much as one can be over the internet, and I feel strongly that I'm talented at cleaning out refrigerators, identifying strange food items and keeping everyone moving so that they don't spend too much time lounging around. I get the lazy bastards right back out to work! Unless you're the lazy bastard sir. You could take all the time you'd like.

Nameless and Disinterested Interviewer: How would you deal with a three-week old egg salad-ish sandwich? An egg-like substance, anyway.

LG: Throw it out. Hazmat suit. Reinforced industrial-strength Glad bag.

Surly and Vapid Interviewer: Very good. How about an unclaimed peach growing green-and-white fuzz on it after a week?

LG: Secretly transfer it to the top right desk drawer of my most-hated colleague.

Stuffed-Suit Interviewer: Standard procedure at this company, another good answer. Do you know what we manufacture here?

LG: I think it's high resolution beta oscillating carbonic digital interface connector polarity sensors. Am I correct?

Corporate Drone Interviewer: Wrong, rubber bands. But a good guess. We still don't like your face. What attributes of Kelley's do you have?
LG: None, really.

Pssst...Kelley here. Just wanted to show
you that I, in fact, DO have large
quantities of Sweet 'n Low in my
possession. These are just the few that
I keep in my right sock.

Humorless Slug Interviewer: That's OK, we don't need another gold-bricker like her hanging out in the Break Room all day anyway. She's technically our Chief Financial Officer, but she lounges in The Break Room all day and doesn't seem to be all that good with numbers. Do you have any dirt on her? We suspect that she's been pilfering Sweet-N-Low's. We have no hard proof at this point, however.

LG: Nah, Kelley is so sweet that she doesn't need to steal any artificial additives from The Break Room.

Spiritually-Bereft Interviewer: Wow, you're really sucking up to her based on this guest blogging thing. Give us the straight scoop or your chances at this job are history. We don't need you, this job pays minimum plus a dollar.

LG: Hmm, in that case... she has about 73 Sweet-N-Low's in her desk as we speak. Bottom left drawer. She also leaves comments on other blogs even though she hasn't actually read the blog post.

Morally-Bankrupt Interviewer: Tell me something new, we already had that on her. Have you ever run a break room before?

LG: No sir. Looking forward to it. I was captain of an oil tanker, CEO of an investment bank, president of an Ivy League college and governor of two U.S. states, but never ran a break room.

Fraudulent Blood-Sucking Interviewer: Kind of thin on experience son. Did Kelley tell you where she hides the Yodels? I'd kill for a pack of Yodels right about now.

LG: No, not as far as you know sir.

Rude and Distracted Interviewer: Yodels will get you the job. I need a Yodel immediately. But I mean a real Hostess Yodel, not one of those phony bullcrap Ho Ho's. I hate Ho Ho's. If you're a Ho Ho eater you can pound the pavement right now. So do you know or not? The job depends on it.

These three different types of chocolate snacks are hidden in The Break Room.

LG: Second drawer under the microwave on the right. Way in the back. Behind some Earl Gray tea boxes. Nobody ever looks there. Plus, the tea smell masks the Yodel aroma. Kelley put a lot of thought into that hiding place. Took her a few weeks. One of her proudest achievements. I think there may be a pack of Ho Ho's right in front of the Yodels to appease those with low-brow tastes.

Convicted Embezzler/Interviewer: Congrats, you're hired. Who needs Kelley anyway? Do you carry your work shoes to the office in a Sephora bag and wear sneakers to-and-from your job every day like most women?

LG: No sir, I'm a dude.

Potential Mass Murderer/Interviewer: Well start doing so, we require that of all our Break Room mavens. And we want you to dress respectably, not like some street Ho Ho, if you know what I mean. Oh, and remember, our policy on Break Room stewardship: Don't ask, don't tell. What happens in the Break Room stays in The Break Room.

LG: Yes sir.

Aloof and Arrogant Interviewer: One more thing. The bad news is that when Kelley gets back you're out of a job, we actually like her around here, even though the microwave is always dirty and our Diet Cokes are constantly missing. But she's a good kid. Who needs a Chief Financial Officer anyway when you have a well-run Break Room?

LG: Understood sir, thanks for having me. I'll get that Yodel to you shortly. Would you like any Sweet 'n Low on it?

He's funny, right? Quite the nutcase, right? That's why I asked him to stop by. For more fun wackiness, you can follow his blog, The LG Report, HERE.

THE BEAR ALARM SYSTEM: How To Keep Black Bears From Ruining Your Face And Taking Your Kit Kats

In May 2000, my mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, parents, sister, grandmother, husband and I went to Yosemite National Park. My husband had spent a summer there in college and wanted to take us all back to show it off. It was a wonderful trip full of lots of hikes, gorgeous scenery, good food, beautiful stars...and bears.

"Hey, there, my name is Bear. Yeah, yeah...just scoping the place out.
Hey, you mind letting me have a bite of that Kit Kat? How 'bout your arm?"
http://www.troop751.com/

The first interaction with a bear was at our campground. We all stayed in tent cabins. One night we heard shouts of "Bear cub!!!" and some of us ran out of the "safety" of our little cloth home. The scared little cub was running past the cafeteria area and people were perching on whatever they could find trying to get a good look at the cub in the night. I remember I steadied myself on an old lady's fanny pack and my mother-in-law steadied herself on the back of a toddler. Very quickly, the cub was there and then disappeared. Nobody's face got clawed beyond recognition.

When we returned from our adventure, there were others in our little party who thought it was insane to attempt to get so close to a bear. After recently watching "Fatal Attractions", I realize they were right. At that time, I just wanted to see a diggity-dang-doggone bear.

HALF DOME: We climbed up the backside. Mid-climb, I panicked like a
flying fish who accidentally landed in Billy Earl's boat on his way back down.
(Isn't Billy Earl a nice name?) http://www.valleyoutdoors.com/

Fast forward a few days to our hike up the back of Half Dome. Halfway to Half Dome, my husband, my sister, my in-laws and I camped out. IT WAS VERY DARK. It was very spooky. I kept thinking of the Blair Witch Project. I remember that you couldn't see your hand in front of your face once you turned off the flashlight. My husband, sister and I slept in one tent, my mother-in-law & father-in-law slept in another and my brother-in-law slept in his own tent by himself.

The B.I.L. didn't like that a-bear-may-be-hiding-just-behind-that-tree-trunk-and-may-try-to-rip-my-tent-to-shreds-looking-for-a-powdered-donut-while-I'm-sleeping business. Also? The B.I.L. needed his energy for the Half Dome hike the next day. He needed to get some sleep. How could he sleep when worried about a bear trying to have a slumber party with him??? Being the creative and ingenious man he is, he developed a BEAR ALARM SYSTEM. He developed a way to be alerted to an oncoming furry, angry predator so that, in seconds, he could gear up and KAPOW! that bear right in his jewels. Or something like that.

This is what his bear alarm system looked like:

He put sticks around the outside of his tent. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Great idea, right?? If he heard a stick crack, he would be immediately alerted to the presence of a very vicious, hungry beast just outside the tent. We are talking INCHES here, people! This would undoubtedly give him enough time to wake up and put that bear in a headlock, right? YEAH, RIGHT! HAHAHAHAHA......(deep breath).........HAHAHAHA!!!!

Imagine our surprise when we woke up and saw this...

He told me later that he made that bear clean up The Bear Alarm System from around the tent and pose for a picture with him as punishment for scaring him 7/8's to death. I think the bear said something like, "I don't have to look happy about it".

I guess I shouldn't have laughed at his Bear Alarm System. I feel stupid.

10 Things NOT TO DO When A Vacuum Cleaner Salesperson Comes To Your House

Apparently, unsuspecting women have let these guys in their homes
for a really long time. Polka Dots is wondering if his mouth will ever stop moving.
http://www.theawl.com/

1. DON'T sit outside being really approachable when you see strangers walking down the sidewalks in your neighborhood and one comes into your driveway and strikes up a conversation about her new carpet cleaning business.

2. DON'T believe her when she offers to shampoo one room of your house for free but won't tell you the name of her company. This is an important detail. They left it out on purpose. Don't be so gullible. What is wrong with you?

3. DON'T say "Okay, you can come clean one room of my house for free. I am having company over and was going to call a reputable carpet cleaning business today anyway."

4. DON'T believe her when she says, "Okay, let me go get my supplies and I'll be right back." This is when you toss your kids in the car, burn rubber on the driveway and high-tail it outta there.

5. DON'T keep sitting outside when you see a van drive up with supplies but the girl isn't in the van, but instead two smiling teenage boys jump out with carpet cleaning supplies in their hands. They look like nice and friendly boys. They are not. THEY ARE SHARKS! CAN'T YOU SEE THIS?!?

6. DON'T let them in your house!!!

You let them in your house. *Sigh* Okay, well, then...

7. DON'T drool over the fact that your carpets look awesome with their new machine and practically do back-flips when you see that dang paint stain finally disappear. Don't yell out, "HOT DOG!!!! YOU GOT THAT BLASTED STAIN OUT! I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO MARRY YOUR MACHINE!" Wipe the smile, sparkle in your eyes and ooo's and ahh's off of your face. You are being such easy prey. How embarrassing.

8. DON'T just keep sitting there watch them shampoo your entire house and mattress, too, while trying to maintain your friendly "I'm just not interested in your $1,235,235 carpet shampooer right now" attitude. You are wrong. You can't afford that carpet cleaner right now. Stop doing the math in your head and just GET YOUR NUNCHUCKS OUT!

9. DON'T act impressed that they have a video from Oprah with them that shows the bed bugs before and after they use their little machine on your mattress. Don't keep smiling and acting like a nincompoop. THEY HAVE BEEN AT YOUR HOUSE FOR THREE HOURS ALREADY!!! THREE STANKIN' HOURS!!!!!!

10. DON'T tell your husband. He'll be mad. He'll scold you for a long time about never letting strangers in the house like that. He'll ask "What were you thinking?" over and over. He'll wonder where your brain went. He may auction you off on E-bay. If that doesn't work, he may situate you on a shelf between beanie babies at a local garage sale.

***I don't want to name any names and get into any trouble, that is why I am not going to mention that this lovely carpet cleaning device is a Kirby, Kirby, Kirby, Kirby, Kirby, Kirby, Kirby.***

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Today's JUICE IN THE CITY Deal

Houston area

DO call the very reputable and trustworthy Clean As A Whistle carpet cleaning business in Sugar Land, Texas and let THEM clean your carpets! For $49 you can get 150 feet of carpet clean, clean, clean with really safe products that won't make your carpet too wet. The deal is for today only and expires on October 15, 2011. It is only valid for new customers only. Go HERE to get your deal.

Enroll in the "Self-Defense Class Against Mall Kiosk Predators" right now!

http://www.masslive.com/

Welcome to the Self-Defense Class Against Mall Kiosk Predators, also known as MKPs! I am so grateful that Sears has let us use the front of their store area for this quick review of some very helpful techniques. Afterwards, we will put our skills to the test, so don't rush off to look at all the Black & Decker tools and vacuum cleaners! Stay with the group!

You are in this class because you have tried saying "no thank you", tried to politely wave off the MKPs, tried walking quickly away, etc. and it hasn't been working for you. As a victim of some very bold and aggressive sales techniques here at this very mall myself, I can tell you that it is TIME to get your black belt in "I said no!" if you care anything at all about your pocketbook and dignity!

Before we get started, let's stretch! Reeeeeach to the ceiling everyone! Touch your toes! Okay, that's it.

The FIVE simple and effective techniques are...

#1 THE BUH-BYE BONNET: Everyone knows the MKPs have you where they want you if they achieve eye contact. You may feel silly as you pass Hollister, American Eagle and Anthropologie dressed like Laura Ingalls, especially you men, but at least no one will hardly see your face, including that MKP trying to buff your nails like a madman!

#2 THE TWIST: MKPs will first beg you to stop, but if that doesn't work, they'll try to hand you an ad of some sort. The last time I tried to oblige a MKP at least that much, he held on to the dern thing! If the MKP won't let go, you take the ad/arm unit and twist it quickly to the left just enough to release the ad and make him flinch!

Darlene is trying a more advanced technique here,
but you get the idea.

#3 THE MIRROR: From now on, you will have to go to the mall with an oversized bag big enough to fit this mirror in it below. When the MKP approaches you like hyena's prey, hold up the mirror so that the MKP can see her reflection. The plastered grin, the wide eyes and the shameless persistence will surely scare her!

#4 THE CHIMPANZEE: That helicopter is coming straight for your head!! Whew! You barely missed it, but just BARELY! Will you be as lucky next time? When passing by the pushy pilots, just wave your hands above your head like an excited chimpanzee the entire time. The MKP will certainly not want to get one of his prized helicopters knocked to the ground!

If one helicopter kiosk feels this way, they all do. So, wave those arms!

#5 SILLY STRING: The great thing about this technique is that you can fits lots of cans into your bag and they're cheap! This really is your last line of defense, but, by all means, USE IT if they just won't stop asking you to try those blasted "smokeless" cigarettes!

www.rockstarwanttobe.blogspot.com

Before we put on our bonnets and head to the Food Court for 3 cookies each and a large Coke, does anyone have anything else to add? Any experiences to share with the class?? We can only get through the mall war zone unscathed if we help each other!

I finally met a real sloth up close!!

He looks so happy, excited & energetic here because he just found out he won
the lottery, a car and a vacation back to South America.

Today was supposed to be a day without a post, but then I took my boys to TGR Exotic Wildlife Park in Spring, Texas this afternoon. I had no choice but to write a post to tell you all about this place! My original idea was to place our pictures on Facebook to get the word out that way amongst personal friends of mine, but then the pictures and the experience of this awesome place could not be shared as easily with people that I didn't know. TGR Exotic Wildlife Park in no way compensated me in any way to write this post. I am doing it entirely on my own because I want you to know about it!

This is Gwen, the owner of TGR Exotics, feeding a lemur.

We have been to zoos and we have been to drive-through feed-the-animals-from-a-tram-or-from-your-own-car places. This isn't like either of those places. It's better! TGR Exotic Wildlife Park feels like being in the really big backyard of a close friend with lots and lots and lots of animals- camels, hyenas, tamandua, coati, deer, porcupines, gibbons, SLOTHS, tigers, chickens and more! It made us feel like we were on a behind-the-scenes tour of a small zoo, but even better! The people were so, so, soooo nice! They were very attentive, friendly and encouraged lots of questions. The owner, Gwen, and one of the keepers, Kim, were so very kind, knowledgeable and fun.

We sat in front of the gibbons' cage and watched them play
for the longest time. I think the gibbons liked my son's shirt.

This afternoon from 2 to 4 the boys and I went on an "Animal Enrichment Fun Day". WE WERE THE ONLY ONES THERE and had the attention of both Gwen & Kim. THE ONLY ONES! It was amazing!! The boys made "toys" for coatis, porcupines, chickens, anteaters and gibbons that included food, like peanut butter, honey, peanuts & raisins, and paper, toilet paper rolls, etc. The toys for the chickens had to be very simple given that they have "bird brains". After making the toys, we all went out to the respective cages and the toys were given to the animals. The boys were in absolute awe as they watched the animals enjoy their creations.

We learned that:
-porcupines don't really shoot their quills
-sloths can't burp or fart
-Chewbacca's voice was inspired by the sound of the camel
-monkeys have tails (Curious George is not a monkey!)

Here the boys are putting crepe paper all over the porcupine's cage.
The porcupine is asleep in the cage & will play with all of this tonight.

Next week they have an Animal Encounter Evening with kangaroos. There will be a discussion about kangaroos and joeys, a craft/activity dealing with the sweet animals and an "encounter" with the kangaroo. If I heard correctly, the children will be able to hold a joey. After that, there will be s'mores around the fire pit. Sounds fun, right?? It is $15 a person, but advanced registration is required.

A porcupine playing with one of the toys the boys made.

Seriously, y'all, this place ROCKS! I cannot believe I have lived here as long as I have and have never even heard about TGR Exotic Wildlife Park. Yesterday was the first time I had even heard about it and it was because I received an e-mail from them. I'm still not sure how they ever got my e-mail address, but I'm glad they did! If you are in the Houston area, you should check this place out!

You can find their website here and follow them on Facebook here. Be sure to call ahead before coming to visit, as not every day is open to the public. Even on days they are open to the public, they may have a group scheduled during the "open zoo" time.

5 Things Waterpark Commercials Leave Out

Honesty must be my new theme or something. A couple of weeks ago, I snuck around apartment buildings taking pictures of the fancy signs that in no way matched the actual complex and wrote about it all in my post "If Neighborhoods Were Named More Honestly". Now I'm calling waterparks out. I need to get a grip.

The thing is, I have been to lots of waterparks. I am sure you can probably say the same. The commercials show lots of footage of really happy people crashing into waves and going down fun slides with their friends in huge inner tubes. Those exciting moments do eventually arrive, but many time there is a price to pay, my friends. A hot, sweaty price.

This is more than I can take, sister. Most of these people are paying a really, really hot, sweaty price. I can't even breathe right now. Excuse me, folks.
www.onearthtravel.com

If waterparks were honest, here are at least 5 images you would see:

#1: Children peeing in the pool. If there has ever been a study comparing the number of people in a waterpark to the amount of times the public restroom has been used that day, I don't want to read it. Ever.

http://www.modestsea.com/

#2: Fully clothed ladies. The waterpark near my house has a rule that no cut-offs are allowed in the pool, but apparently a long-sleeve dress shirt with black slacks is acceptable swim attire. Maybe I should have told Fully Clothed Lady about http://www.modestsea.com/ that makes bathing suits, like this Rainbow Brite one on the right, for ultra-modest women so she doesn't look like she came straight up from work and into that pool, for goodness sakes.

#3: Wedgies. Lots and lots of wedgies.

#4: A mass exodus of people exiting the wave pool when the waves stop. "I'LL CATCH YOU GENIUSES LATER! WHEN THE WAVES LEAVE, THIS LADY LEAVES!" These same people may hit a light jog when they hear the alarm bell ring letting them know the wave party has started back up again.

#5: People waiting in line FOREHHHHHVER with gargantuan inner tubes situated under their left armpits...and then their right...and then back to the left...

What would you add??

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If you are coming over from The LG Report, then...I must tell you...IT WAS ME! I wrote that crazy story! If you have not met LG from The LG Report, you are missing out! He is truly hilarious and always makes me laugh out loud. He gave me THREE sentences that were to begin three separate paragraphs. He asked me to weave those sentences into a story, but the thing is...THEY WERE THE CRAZIEST SENTENCES! He is asking his readers to read the story and guess who the author is out of 5 choices. If you'd like to read the nutty short story I wrote, please click HERE. Thanks for the fun writing assignment, LG!

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TODAY'S JUICE IN THE CITY DEAL

For the Houston area

If you are interested in an alternative way for your kids to spend the hot summer days that doesn't involve scorching your barefeet on hot pavement in a nearby waterpark and live near Missouri City in the Houston area, consider enrolling them in TWO DAYS of summer camp at Sea Star Swim School & Gymnastics Center for only $37. Go HERE to get your deal!

A Preschooler's Guide To Hide & Seek (Secrets revealed!!)

Hey beautiful people (Psst! You've got something in your teeth.! Get it QUICK!),

My 3-year-old and I are over at Scary Mommy's place talking about A Preschooler's Guide To Playing Hide & Seek. Jill, the awesome "scary" mother herself, has an amazing blog. She has been featured in The New York Times, Target, Ms. Magazine, CNN, MSN NBC and The Washington Times. A section of her blog, The Scary Mommy Society, showcases the work of her readers. I am thrilled to be over at her place today!

My son wrote it the hide & seek piece. He's really smart. He never even asked me how to spell any words. I'm so proud of him. On top of his writing abilities, he also just got his truck driver's license. He starts driving across the country in an 18-wheeler full of gasoline on Monday. He makes us proud. He is hoping Jill likes his writing and puts a good word in for him at Target. He would like to own every one of the huge bouncy balls in the gigantic cage and knows Jill may be able to work this out. I told him not to hold his breath. For real, because...well, TAKE A BREATH! I LOVE YOU, SON!

Here he is:

Click here to read his Hide & Seek Guide if you care anything at all about building his fragile, still-developing self-esteem.

Road Trips With Restrictions (a.k.a. No Buc-ee's!)

Kristin from Only Parent Chronicles is hosting a series about road trips and she asked me to chime in! So, I am over there today talking about a very famous beaver in Texas who hopes to conquer all prime real estate for road trippers in the next few years. He is well on his way, friends. In that post, I talk about said beaver and how my family can't partake of his loving as much as I would like...due to rules set forth by my husband. *Deep, dramatic sigh*

While over at Kristin's place, you will also want to read some of her story (found HERE). She makes a distinction from being a "single parent" and an "only parent". Once I started reading her story, I couldn't stop. It was heartbreaking. Despite her journey, Kristin is a very positive, upbeat and fun person that I know you will be happy to "meet", if you haven't already.

Click this box for a ride to the post. I was headed that way anyway!