Ms. Super-Sophisticated-Wine-Know-It-All-Lady

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Kelley's Break Room presents...

(sang to the tune of that REALLY big beer company's famous line of commercials)

Real Women of Genius

(Real women of geeeennniu-hus!!!)

Today we salute YOU, Ms. Super-Sophisticated-Wine-Know-It-All-Lady!

(Ms. Super-Sophisticated-Wine-Know-It-All-Lady!!)

It's 5 p.m. and time to step into your White House Black Market number for a full work day at your fancy schmancy wine bar to deal with another gaggle of giggling women celebrating "Girls' Night Out" or a bachelorette party with their boas and funny glasses and whatnot.  You refresh your lip gloss, put on the most genuine smile you can muster and prepare yourself to deal with wine question after wine question after wine question after wine question after wine question.  If you've heard "Which wine goes best with Cheez-It?" you've heard it a hundred times.  Still, you smile sweetly & quote something about Cabernet Sauvignon, though you know Ms. Tipsy Tush didn't hear it right. 

(This-isn't-France)

You grit your teeth while pouring the tipsy lady and her friend, Ms. I-Don't-Get-Out-Much, two nice glasses of the fruity red wine and then begin your spiel about the different types of vino.  All the ladies have their glossed over eyes glued on you and nod their heads quickly up and down when you say "fruity", "dry", "bouquet", "mellow" and even when you drop the big word, "piquant", into their happy little laps. 

(SOMEBODY HAND ME A DICTIONAREHHHH!!!!!)

When it comes time to taste the various wines, you see to it that all the lovely ladies have a wine spit bucket nearby.  When you hear "You want me to spit this OUT?" or "I thought this was an ice bucket.  HAHAHA!!!!!", you don't even flinch.  With your typical grace & style, you explain the cause & effect of drinking TONS of wine along with a dinner of 5 slices of cheese and 2 crackers and driving home later that night. 
(Somebodeh-get-Lushy-Lucy's-keys)

So, crack open that $275,000 bottle of Shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck, the most expensive wine in the world that to us probably tastes much like the boxed wine we bought at Target last week, Ms. Super-Sophisticated-Wine-Know-It-All-Lady, and know that you are the REAL reason we feel like wine connoisseurs when we absolutely shouldn't. 

 

Ms. Super-Sophisticated-Wine-Know-It-All-Layhayyydehhhh!!!!!
*sommelier, if you are a bit too big for your britches

______________________________________________

For my fellow Houstonians: I can guarantee that you will find super nice people, wonderful tasting MEALS (not only cheese and crackers, people!), including sandwiches, flatbreads, pizza, salads and more, as well as a place to socialize "with sophistication and elegance" at Drix Wine Bar in the Katy and South Mason areas. For only $5, you get $10 worth of whatever is on the menu.  This would be a great time to check out the fun place and schedule your next Girls' Night Out!  Click HERE to get your deal.

Random shout-out: Hi, Jennie in ND & Josh in TX!!  Thanks for reading & letting me know the Break Room serves as your "water cooler". :)

Can I get a barstool & sit at the buffet table?

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Johnny Paycheck, my Weight
Watchers spokesperson.

Three years ago I sat within the Weight Watchers meeting walls wondering what in the heck happened to me.  Part of me knew, as I had just delivered a baby a few months before. Slowly, I was able to leave the four walled prison and was so happy on my last day there.  I probably laughed hysterically while belting out my version of Johnny Paycheck's 1978 hit.  For miles around, you could have heard me belting out "TAKE YOUR POINTS AND SHOVE IT!!!  I ain't countin' points no more.  My weight done left and took all the reasons, I was countin' points for!" as I slammed the door behind me and ingested a whole box of donuts before arriving to my car parked 10 feet away. 

But, I'm back.  I turned 36 last week and have noticed that sticking to my goal weight is going to take some work.  I don't want to lose that much, but even losing 5% to 10% of your body weight is tough stuff!  This time around, I am going to keep that dadgum weight off.  Bathing suits are already jumping on me and I'm not liking it.  It shouldn't take me THAT long to reach my weight goal if I stay on the course of eating Spinach & Turkey Stew, Turkey & Spinach Sandwiches and Turkey with a side of Spinach topped off with Spinach, as long as I keep attending those dangblasted meetings.

The meetings.

 The meetings are all centered around a discussion of points in one way or 'nother.  The deal with the points is this: the less you have to lose the less points you get for the day.  The maximum number of points is 71 and the lowest is 29.  So, if you only have 5-10 pounds or so to lose to reach your ideal weight, you are only getting 29 points, sister.  If you have never been to a WW meeting, let me give you a snapshot of what it is like at one of mine.  As I sat there hysterically crying over only being allotted 29 miserable points, I was also...

#1: Hearing Betty Lee drone on and on about being an "emotional eater";

#2: Getting my hopes up when they say it is okay to sneak in some French fries or slice of pizza here and there.  I never really hear the "here and there" part and end up parking my barstool AT the pizza buffet table right after a Weight Watchers meeting.  "Hey!  Hands off, buster!  Order from the menya!!!  This is MAAAAAHHN!!!!" Chompchompchompchompchompchomp...DEEEEEP BREATH....chompchompchompchompchompchomp.

#2: Watching my instructor try her hand at stand-up comedy. She has got the chicken walk and talk DOWN, folks. "Chicken, chicken, chicken!! We all get tired of eating chicken, chicken, chicken! SQUAAAAAAAAAWK!!! Cluck, cluck, cluck, SQUAAAAAWK!!!" (Now picture lots of middle-aged women just getting lost in a giggle fit).



The Little Dude ingesting loads of Olestra.

#4: Feeling guilty that as I learn to eat on 29 stinkin' points a day (an order of Pad Thai is 29 stinkin' points), I'm fattening up my kid so that he'll keep his yapper shut. If the little dude keeps saying "I want to go bye-bye", I'll never really grasp how to put the fork down.  At the last meeting, he scarfed down two small bags of WW barbecue rice cake chips and one small bag of WW caramel and cinnamon rice cakes.  Oh, he also had a Tootsie Roll and some Sweet Tarts.  When the meeting was over, Director Skinny Squawker came over and told me that she hoped my son was alright later.  She whispered loudly, "Those have Olestra in them!" , which means I may have to repaint the bathroom later.

Were all those lentils worth it, Jenny?
www.oprah.com

 #5: Being disappointed that I will never actually see Jennifer Hudson. I was pelted with about 20 rice cakes at the first meeting after singing, "There's NO way, nonononononononono way, I'm leaving here without seeing her....And I'm telling YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU (we got a LOT of people in those WW meetings) and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU...I am not leaving here without seeing Jennifer Huuuuu-huuuudson".  Okay, I guess I am.  Ouch.

If that bathing suit and I aren't good friends in a couple of months, I'm showing up at the local waterpark in this number...

www.crissypage.com

5 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Pepto-Bismol

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by The 21st Century Mrs.

We all know that no one loves Pepto-Bismol more than Kelley, but here are some amazing facts you probably don’t know about her favorite over-the-counter drug.

#1: A Full Bottle of Pepto-Bismol is a Tremendously Effective Weapon

The next time you notice a burglar crawling through your dining room window, reach for Pepto-Bismol.

With the right amount of aim and force, everyone’s favorite antacid is a mean crime fighter.

#2 Pepto-Bismol Make Slip-N-Slides Even Better

Parents, you’re always looking for new and different ways to keep your kids from getting cholera. This summer, look no further than Pepto-Bismol.

Just add a few gallons of Pepto-Bismol to your water supply and turn on the hose!

Nothing says: “Get off my lawn, Giardia” like a yellow, plastic tarp covered in hot-pink, strangely mint-scented Pepto-Bismol.

#3: Pepto-Bismol is a Terrible Easter-Egg Filler

I suspect this is the kind of lesson Kelley had to learn the hard way, but Pepto-Bismol is not the kind of thing that can be contained by ordinary plastic Easter eggs.

#4: Pepto-Bismol is Flame-Resistant

After doing a little research, I uncovered a little-known fact about the Pepto-Bismol: you can hold a culinary blowtorch to a tablespoon of Pepto-Bismol and the Pepto-Bismol will remain unharmed. (Seriously. I checked.)

Given Pepto-Bismol’s seeming indifference to fire, I would like to recommend changing the game “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to something more like “Fire, Pepto-Bismol, Napalm”, where Pepto-Bismol covers Fire, and Napalm kills everything in a 10-mile radius.

I would also like to recommend that you keep some Pepto-Bismol handy in the event that you are confronted by fire.

Just a little Pepto-Bismol could turn this:

Into this:

#5: Every Night Kelley Serenades Pepto-Bismol with Jessica Simpson Songs

No research was necessary to verify this fact.

BONUS FACT: Did you know Pepto-Bismol was invented in 1901—17 years before penicillin was discovered? Way to be older and wiser, Pepto-Bismol.

That was funny stuff, right??  I think I might frame that one picture of me hugging the Pepto-Bismol and put it right in my kitchen.  It was not long ago when I came across my guest poster for today, the 21st century mrs, because it was not that long ago that she started blogging.  I was immediately drawn into her world of humor and illustrations.  Posts like "The Five Kinds of Co-Workers I Wish Would Cease To Exist" and others like it always make me laugh out loud.  So, when I asked if she would like to guest post on my blog and draw something that would make me giggle and she accepted, I ran down the street shaking my tambourine and kicking over mailboxes out of sheer joy.  When she asked me what I would like for her to write about, I gave her no guidelines as I knew she would come up with something very funny on her own.  You can only imagine how high my happiness level escalated when she came up with a post about PEPTO-BISMOL, my very favorite medication in the whole entire world!  My very first post on this blog was all about the heavenly pink liquid.  I know after reading that hilarious post up there, you will want to follow her on Facebook, Twitter, her blog and then will want to celebrate with an ice cold glass of Pepto.  Cheers!

10 Hiding Spots For Easter Eggs That Improve Your Kid's IQ

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Desperate for MREs or an egg stuffed with sweet tarts?
http://www.lubbockonline.com/

 

You know what insults my intelligence and the intelligence of all of our children?  Easter egg hunts.  From the majority of Easter egg hunts I've been involved in lately, there is no hunting involved.  All you see are children being held behind a line like crazy Black Friday shoppers in front of an open field littered with pastel plastic ovals.  Those Easter egg hunts should be renamed "The-pick-up-the-dang-Easter-egg-that's-sitting-in-plain-sight-to-everyone-for-miles-around-before-Jerry-Jr.-steps-on-your-dang-hand-game".  Some area churches even stuff the Easter bunny into a helicopter so he can drop off a ton of egg grenades from way up in the air.  The helicopter, although fascinating I suppose, does not provide any more of a "hunting" experience to the whole shindig as Eddie Sue can see just where the egg fell.  Really, in the helicopter-assisted Easter egg hunts, the children ultimately look like they are racing each other because they are desperate for water and those Meals Ready To Eat packs (MREs) to drop out of the aircraft and into their skinny arms.  It took me a minute to figure out that the children in the picture above were not in the middle of Afghanistan awaiting just that.  Obviously, in modern-day Easter egg hunts eggs are sprinkled all over acreage of grass because if you let hundreds of candy-crazed kids loose in a forest where they could REALLY hunt for eggs under rocks, behind trees, underneath snakes, in the middle of a patch of poison ivy, at the brink of a waterfall or inside bears' mouths, you might lose an Easter egg or something. 

Given that my sons have competed in many easy Easter egg hunts, we like to make things a little more difficult at our family Easter egg hunt at home.  We don't let our children go to sleep at night until they have found them all.  We start the hunt at 6 a.m. Easter morning.  So that you will not join the hundreds in dumbing down our children, conduct YOUR own Easter egg hunt at home, peruse the list our 10 Hiding Spots For Easter Eggs That Improve Your Kid's IQ  below and pick a few (or add your own!).

Right inside the exhaust pipe of your vehicle

Their toy box

Inside someone's pillow case

Underneath the patio deck

In the gutters

Anywhere in the attic

In someone else's shoes

In a real bird nest

Underneath the ashes in the fireplace

The egg carton inside your refrigerator

If you care about your kids' future, you'll take my advice!  Don't do it for me.  Do it for their IQ!!

HAPPY EASTER!

_____________________________________________________________________

It's really cute inside, right?

For those that live in Houston that want something besides Easter candy, and especially those that live in Katy, you will not want to pass up the latest Juice In The City deal.  There are a couple of days left to get it. It is for a really, really cute bakery called Ooh Laa Laa on Westheimer.  For only $5, you can get $20 worth of yummy signature cupcakes, cakes, pies, cookies, pastries, coffees, teas, smoothies and more!  There is even a cupcake bar there so that you and your kids can decorate your own.  Cute idea, right??  I'll take my kids to that bar!  If you don't want to make the trip inside their adorable store for sweets to eat, coffee and the unique gifts they offer, you can get them to deliver to you.  They make really fun cupcake towers and dessert platters for parties.  They even have a Drive-Thru!  Go HERE to get your deal!

Honking Hurts My Feelings

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Easy does it, homeboy. (http://www.datingsitedisasters.com/)

  When people honk at me, I cry inside.  Hey, I've been known to get an ugly outside cry going over it, too, especially if it's on a day my son couldn't find matching shoes on his way out the door to school or his green folder or his "home reader" or if he doesn't want to brush his teeth or if he whines too much as I comb his hair or if my little one says he's killed his diaper as we are walking out the door.  So, depending on my mood and whether or not Neneh Cherry is on the radio, I will switch from the Buffalo Stance to the Ninja Stance if I'm feeling particularly sassy and aggressive.  Honking, to me, says,

"YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH ON THIS ROADWAY AND I WISH YOU WOULD JUMP IN THAT CEMENT MIXER THAT JUST PASSED BY AFTER YOU EAT A BAG OF GLASS!!!!  HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

I only honk (only lightly tap, actually) my horn when the person in front of me has been sitting at the green light for the length it would take to watch Titanic twice in a row.   Once I've done it, I feel like a fresh rabbit turd and try to make amends with the driver by trying to toss a note of apology on my "K" stationery when we meet up at lights or when we are going 75 mph neck and neck on the interstate. 

Here's an unfortuate exchange I had not too long ago with someone who sat at the light as long as it would take the slowest reader you can remember from elementary school to get through War & Peace.  I honked at the little lady and caught up with her on the road to apologize for my insensitivity:

"HEY!!!  I've got something for ya!!!  Yeah!  You remember me?  I was the lady in your rearview mirror about 35 miles back!!  I honked at you, well, LIGHTLY TAPPED at you, and, well, I just feel like a piece of aardvark dung for doing that when I know you would have eventually seen that light yourself.  Anyway, I'd like for you to catch this note of apology I scratched out on the top of my steering wheel.  Forgive the bumps!  They need to make steering wheels like mini-desks, right?  Put a pencil sharpener right by the radio.   Wouldn't that be awesome?  Yes, yes...oh, I see.  Okay, you've got to get to the Emergency Room because your arm was severed when you were making a smoothie this morning.  Wow!!  Is that right??  Hey, well, I guess so as that IS a lot of blood you got on your front seat and, well, looky there, you are missing a big chunk of your arm.  Maybe you were wiping that blood up when you were sitting at the light?  Well, listen, I don't want to keep you anymore.  You really have got to get going before you lose any more blood and di--  Ma'am?  MA'AM?!?!"

My husband and I OFTEN have discussions about when and how to use the horn.  He says horns are meant to be used.  When someone is acting the fool on the street, he feels it is his job to alert everyone in his vicinity that Mr. DrivesReallyBad has arrived, including Mr. DrivesReallyBad.  He REALLY alerts everyone, naw mean?  Where my horn/tap might be like this "beep!", his have been known to sound a little like this "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  You think I'm lyin'?  When this occurs, I somehow manage to exit the car, no matter how fast it is moving, and situate myself right under the oil pan.  After I cuddled with the oil pan last time, I have been able to tell that he is exercising tremendous restraint and not honking as he normally would, which, in my mind, is basically showing love to me.  It's almost as if he is giving me a lifetime supply of KitKats (my favorite!), a gift card to Barnes & Noble and sitting with me through Justin Bieber's movie "Never Say Never" every time he doesn't let Mrs. FartsAroundMakingARightHandTurn have it with the horn.

Are you a hooker, I mean, honker?

(I am so sorry about that one.)

5 Reasons I Am Mad At "Family Ties"

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Family Ties is my favorite sitcom ever. In the 1980’s, I would immediately stop playing Barbies or admiring my Lisa Frank stickers as soon as I heard Johnny Mathis and Deniece Williams start singing the Family Ties theme below.



Even now, I would leave a pile of laundry to rot if I caught it on TV. Really, any excuse to do that to my laundry would do.  But, sadly, I am mad at "Family Ties" and I have been for a while. Here are 5 reasons why:

#1: It was cancelled. This one should be obvious. It aired from 1982 to 1989. Seven years wasn’t long enough. I am one that gets hooked on TV shows and never want them to end. When Felicity ended in 2002? Dagger in my heart.

Apparently, this dramatic change wasn't good for Andy/Brian either.
http://www.warmingglow.uproxx.com/

#2: It featured a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY fast growing boy with a bowl hair cut. Andrew came on the scene in 1986 as a four-year-old. This stressed me out. I caught no episodes with a baby Andrew because there were none. He was age-advanced and I wasn’t having it. I don’t like dramatic changes in my favorite shows. I still haven’t gotten over Vivian Banks changing to a completely different woman in season 4 of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I may change my name to Mallory, which means this blog
will change to Mallory's Break Room.  Still sounds okay,
right?  http://www.shine.yahoo.com/

#3: It made me fall in love with the name Mallory. If it wasn’t for “Family Ties”, I probably wouldn’t have fallen in love with the name and wouldn’t have been so disappointed I couldn’t use it. Both times I was pregnant, I was set on naming the baby “Mallory” if it was a girl, even though the name means “luckless, unfortunate” and was given to the most superficial character on the show. Both times I had a boy. Get a pet?

#4: It never told me it was going to be featured on The Today Show in 2008. As a devoted fan, I thought the least they all could do was text me to tell me the special was airing. I would have had a huge party, made everyone wear ties, gotten nametags with "Alex P. Keaton" written on every single one of them, alerted everyone I knew, rented a Blimp with the message "TURN YOUR TV TO THE TODAY SHOW NOW!" blazed across it and everything.  I missed the reunion and I'm still sick over it.





I'm telling Steven!



#5: It made me believe Elyse & Steven were really married. Family Ties won an Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series in 1987 for a good reason: they could make you feel like you were actually sitting in the Keaton kitchen with Nick, Mallory, Jennifer & Alex. They could make you feel like this was a REAL family.  There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t hope to meet APK. So, when I discovered that Elyse was really a lady named Meredith Baxter-Birney (Meredith Baxter since 1989) who was married 3 times, a mother to 5 children and a grandmother to many, I had to stop myself before trying to track down Steven to break the news of her infidelity. Seven years ago, she decided life would be better with her partner Nancy Locke. All of this news comes as a shock to me given that, up until this post, I thought she was a lady named Elyse happily married to a man named Steven and touring around the country in an RV on their way to Mount Rushmore to meet up with Jennifer, her husband and their gaggle of kids. 

Whew!  It felt good to get that all out.  I'm not mad anymore.

One funny lady & a recipe for bath stew

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The winner of this month's game of Captcha Balderdash as judged by Kelley of Kelley Simpson Photography (last month's winner!) is  KLZ with Taming Insanity!!! Her random Captcha word was SPERYKED and she defined it this way: "to sneeze while eating, thus spewing all over someone."

Used in a sentence: "I am covered in shrimp cavatappi because Kelley unexpectedly speryked all over me."

Pretty sure those antlers are real.

I have been following Taming Insanity since I started blogging a little over a year ago. I have always admired her blog as one of the ones that was "in the know". She just seemed to have this blogging thing down. She describes herself this way: "KLZ is a sarcastic pain in the ass trying to work, raise a child and still find time to cuddle with her husband. When she's not sleeping she tells funny stories about her life at Taming Insanity." She writes sweet stories like Cuddles At Midnight , useful articles like How To Use Stumble Upon and funny posts like Quotes From Christmas Break. Not only is she a great writer, she is a great supporter and encourager in the blog community. If you don't already follow her on Twitter, you will definitely want to change that! Her Twitter handle is @taminginsanity. Her blog can be found HERE.

Congratulations, KLZ!!

(Thanks for judging, Kelley!)

_______________________________________________________________________

Now on to some bath stew...

Can we please talk about baths now?  Aren't baths kind of gross? For the first few minutes that you or your child is in the bath, fine.  No harm there.  As the water turns from scalding to lukewarm, there straight-up are some bacteria in there from which you need to escape.  Get your hind-end outta there and protect yourself from yourself!  Last night I was determined I was going to finish my People magazine and wasn't getting out of the bath until I did.  Friends, the Sun Maid arrive in my bathroom.  She had a really big red box and she was trying to stuff me inside it.  I told her I thought that was ridiculous.  She told me that raisins do not make good mothers and I was no longer of any use to my family.  She thinks she knows so much because she's 96 (see the pictures below).  Besides the risk of being stuffed into a red box and turning into a shriveled grape,  maybe baths should not be taken because you are just floating in dead skin stew.  When your bath is no longer giving you second degree burns, you might as well be sitting in the middle of a huge porcelain cooking pot.  Somebody needs to stir you up and put you in a bowl.  The thing that gets me through it all is the thought that a long time ago, people took baths in the dang river.  I mean...talking about stew.  That's snake, fish, turtle, bug, salamander and frog stew in which those people washed their locks.  The baths in our whirlpool tub suddenly seem so pure.  It's a good thing, because I am filthy after a day spent at with my little dudes & I need to finish up War & Peace tonight. I'm on page 2.
I leave you with the Sun Maid's progression over the years starting with Lorraine there in 1915. Somebody take that nice lady's basket. She's 96 years old!

Somebody had some plastic surgery, youknowwhati'msayin?

You like museums, right? And juice?

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Today marks a new day for Kelley's Break Room.  I have recently entered into a partnership with Juice in the City, which is a unique deals site supporting local businesses and mothers.  The deal for today, which will expire by midnight TONIGHT or after the 147 available are gone, is for discount admission to the Houston Museum of Natural Science.  For only $15 (instead of $43!), you gain an adult AND a child admission as well as entrance to their newest exhibit "Texas!  The Exhibit". 

You're right, we're proud!  We beat Santy Anna & his meeyin!  http://www.hmns.org/

I know many of my readers live very, very, very far away from Houston.  For those that don't live close, I encourage you to check out their website or find them on Facebook.  Also?  Get on a plane and make the trip down here, for goodness sakes.  You will be saving on admission to the museum, so you will have plenty of money to pay for airfare.  Let me know when you're coming and I'll pack us a picnic lunch.  How 'bout it?  I'll even pay for your ticket to ride the little train that goes all around Hermann Park right outside of the museum (see if you can hold your breath in the tunnel!), meanders by the zoo and past a few homeless people sleeping under the trees.  For no extra charge, I'll let one of my cute sons sit next to you.  My husband stays next to me, you got it, cousin?  We can even end the day letting butterflies land on our noses in the Cockrell Butterfly Center ("HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  That tickles!!!!" is what I'll hear over and over from you.  Keep it down!), pretending that gnarly T-Rex is eating our face right off during the showing of Earth's Wild Ride in the Planetarium OR being entertained by the Morgan Freeman-narrated 3D IMAX movie, Born to be Wild. We'll be there so late, we might even try to pitch a tent out on the front lawn so we can be first in line for the nearby zoo the next day.  You know I know all about camping, right?

So, what are you waitin' fer? It's a great deal, right?  Push the button below to get yours:

Take me to the Juice In The City site so I can buy my REALLY CHEAP tickets to The Houston Museum of Natural Science.

___________________________________________________________________
On a personal blog related note, if you want to play Captcha Balderdash, go HERE. We are taking entries until 5:00 tonight. The winner will be picked by the winner of last month's game and will be announced tomorrow via featuring that person here, as well as on Facebook and Twitter.

Captcha Balderdash: Get Your Wit On!

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It's Captcha Balderdash time!!  For those of you not familiar with the game, I would tell you to consult the "Captcha Balderdash" tab in the navigation bar, but it appears the navigation bar is going haywire.  Anything that Dumplin Designs made for this blog in terms of unique graphics has turned into a Photobucket icon, apparently.  By the time you are reading this post, I will be outside of Photobucket's headquarters picketing.  If you drive down there to picket with me, I'll be the one who has her fists in the air and foam coming out of her mouth.

Give me a second to compose myself.

Okay, okay...I'm composed.  All that you do to play Captcha Balderdash is take the Captcha word you are given once you press "submit" and either define it or use it in a sentence.  You can just type in one letter, press submit, take that word and then do your magic with it.  Last month, I limited the entries to 15 and had everyone vote.  THIS month there will be no limit to the entries and the contest will continue until tomorrow at 5:00 p.m.  The winner from last month's game, Kelley Simpson from Kelley Simpson Photography, will pick her favorite.  She won last month for her very funny definition of FLABULATE.  The winner will be announced on Friday along.  If that person has a blog/website, I will feature it on my blog, Facebook page and Twitter.

Your turn!

The Four Apps Apple Forgot To Create

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Although I don't work for Apple, I will soon be submitting four rhyming apps to Steve Jobs.  I noticed these weren't available on my iPhone.  Please take a look at them and let me know if you would buy one, two, three or all four of them.  This will help me when writing my letter to Mr. Jobs.  Thanks, friends!

You would only use The App App in the most desperate of situations, such as when stranded on an island with all edible plant and animal life already consumed.  Immediately upon purchasing, an apple smell would emerge from the phone causing your mouth to water, open, bite, chew and swallow the electronic device for temporary nutrition.  You will die within 24 hours, so use only when really hungry.

The Zap App would transform your iPhone into a stun gun.  With a single push of a button, sparks emerge from the recharging port into the neck of the man trying to mug you in the Wal-Mart parking lot or to anyone wearing a mullet.  The stunned person will recover within 5 minutes, so run fast, sister.

The Crap App acts sort of like Poo-Pourri.  You have heard of Poo-Pourri, haven't you?  This is an actual spray that ladies can use to coat the water of the toilet prior to starting her business.  When this sweet lady leaves the bathroom, no one will know that she just about killed that toilet and every living thing within 5 miles of it.  The Crapp App will create a fine, pleasant-smelling mist,just like Poo-Pourri, that will emerge from the recharging port and coat the water of the toilet.  You need it.  Believe me.

Ladies, forget about going to the gynecologist over and over and over.  Just buy The Pap App and save your time and gas.  I am not going to get into extreme detail here, but you are basically going to get a cotton swab, do what you got to do with it and press it to the very sensitive screen.  It will immediately tell you if you need to submit yourself to the hospital or continue on with your shopping trip at Target.  Any cotton swab will do.

Well, that completes the apps that I am hoping to submit to Steve Jobs soon.  Please let me know which one you might use, if any. There are still many more in the works.  I know some are crude, but, hey folks, this is real life.  My goal was to help people in real life activities live a little easier.  Men, Mother's Day is coming up and I'm sure your mom's/wife's/cousin's/mail lady's birthday is coming up, too.  All 4 will surely be available for purchase soon.  Thanks for your purchase in advance!

3 Reasons Gary Busey Should Be Your Babysitter

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In 1988, Gary Busey, the Oscar-winning actor, was in an unfortunate motorcycle accident.  He was not wearing a helmet and it is believed that he suffered brain damage.  Although he clearly has cognitive impairments from falling on his head, I do not think that should deter you from seeking him out as your babysitter.  As if the reasons were not obvious for picking him over the 20-year-old college student down the street who spends most of her free time practicing in her church's handbell choir, I have laid them out for you...

 

REASON #1: He can teach your kids extremely valuable life lessons condensed in an acronym that will undoubtedly help them later in life.  

Examples:
F.U.N. = Finally Understanding Nothing

F.O.R.G.I.V.E. = Finding Ourselves Really Giving Each Other Valuable Energy

G.O.N.E. = Getting Over Negative Energy

F.A.I.T.H. = Fantastic Adventures In Trusting Him

F.R.A.U.D. = Finding Relevant Answers Under Deception




Here he is calling around town looking
for the 2-year-old that waddled off
under his watch.



 Reason #2: He gives your children incredible freedom to be themselves.

If freedom and free will mean anything to you at all, you will be happy to know that Gary will NOT watch your children closely. It is very likely that your children will be lost for days under his care, practically guaranteeing your children the opportunity to learn invaluable survival skills.  This is a priceless lesson.  So, unless you are a Communist, that should be reason enough right there.

Reason #3: He can teach your children about their endocrine systems.

Gary's knowledge of the endocrine system has been well-documented on the web.  Given his obvious knowledge of anatomy and physiology, what parent wouldn't want their child left in his care?  He is providing supervision and academic instruction all at once.  Lucky you.





Do you really need other reasons??  Yes?  Well, he is a father himself.  We all know that every father is a good father and, thus, a good babysitter.  So, there's your 4th reason.  I could come up with more but you don't have all day.  Really, I am hoping he doesn't win The Celebrity Apprentice because his schedule will be way too packed for the rest of us, if he does.  Minus his angry endocrine system outburst,  Gary seems to be a very patient, light-hearted, fun-loving man who does not take life way too seriously. I think he is a great example for all of us. 



A recent family picture from www.pumpchart.com.



 Give him a call

at 1-888-GET-BUSEY.

(But not for this Saturday night.  We're using him this Saturday night.  Thanks.)

The day I got kicked out of Schlotzsky's

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Schlotzsky's makes a sandwich that is after my own heart, pocketbook and loose change.  It is my favorite sandwich restaurant.  When I see one, my face lights up, my heart starts beating faster and my palms sweat.  Because of my devotion to this nationwide chain, I will go through many obstacles to get there.  On a recent visit, this is what I saw in the parking lot and you better believe I karate chopped myself through that mess and enjoyed an Original Turkey Sandwich within minutes.

A little over two years ago, I saw a tornado, a forest fire and a rushing river of hot lava inching close to the door of a Schlotztsky's but decided it was worth the lives of me and my two sons to grab a quick bite for lunch.  Fortunately, the natural disasters made a sharp right turn before helping themselves to the little kiddie-sized pepperoni pizzas and wiped out a Jack-In-The-Box.  We quickly ran inside after they left.  At the time, my oldest was 3 and my youngest son was not even 1.  The place was very crowded.  The restaurant was alive with lots of conversations and laughter.  My baby was getting a little fussy because I was either holding him inside his infant carrier or setting it down on the floor while standing still in line.  All he wanted was to get out of his infant seat and into my arms. 

I calmly ordered food for me and my three-year-old while probably shoving a pacifier in baby dude's mouth.  I probably made a nice remark to the lady behind me who commented, "Wow!  You've got YOUR hands full.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" and offered encouraging comments to the boys like  "We're gonna eat soon!" and "It's almost time!"

We finally finish at the register and make our way over to the window to wait for Sandwich Lady #1 and Sandwich Lady #2 to make our edible works of art.  There was no place to sit yet, so I did my best to console my precious boy while holding his infant carrier, holding our chips and cookies and getting lemonade for my three-year-old...all at the same dang time.

That's when Sandwich Lady #2, whose sandwich making skills I was just in the process of admiring, lambasted me this way...

All of the sandwich eaters in that previously crowded restaurant must have fled
when The Schlotzsky's Sandwich Nazi started running her mouth.


She went on to say he was crying too much and we needed to leave the restaurant immediately.  Listen to me, readers, and look into my eyes: He was not crying that much or that loud or for that long.  I am a mother who is very sensitive to my children and their affect on strangers.  He was whimpering and was ready for me to put all of the crap in my hands down and pick him the heck up.  The restaurant was LOUD and CROWDED.  He wasn't standing out in the crowd.  I was NOT receiving mean looks from any of the other patrons.  I know the mean looks.
I was furious, humiliated and had a knot in my throat at the same time but somehow was able to blurt out,

"You are so rude! I will NOT leave your restaurant! I will call the Schlotzsky's headquarters. You don't talk to people that way!"

My baby had long since stopped crying by this point, of course.
We somehow ate our sandwiches in that restaurant, but I don't know how.  I guess I was able to do it because I knew The Original Turkey Sandwich hadn't done anything to me directly.  I fired off an e-mail to Schlotzsky's later that day and posted a message on Facebook telling everyone I knew the story.  I encouraged them to never eat at that particular location.  The main Schlotzsky's office sent me an apologetic e-mail, informed me that all the restaurants were franchises and individually owned and sent me a $25 gift certificate.

That particular Schlotzsky's now?

It's out of business.

The 5 Emotional Stages of a Milk Addict

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Do you know someone who is addicted to milk?  Do you know what it is like to watch milk slowly vanish from a container only to have no milk to back it up?  Do you know how it feels to look into the eyes of a person who desperately needs milk for his cereal...only to find none?  There are some weeks when the milk supply slips away before the milk addict can get to the store. This guide to help you cope with the milk addict in your life, as we all know the first step to dealing with an emotional wreck is to understand that emotional wreck. 

THE 5 EMOTIONAL STAGES

 OF A MILK ADDICT



 STAGE 1: EUPHORIC = 2 gallons

Life is absolutely FANTASTIC!! I got milk, people! I got TWO gallons of that mess all up in my fridge! I think I'll have some Fruity Pebbles this morning AND tonight, SUCKAS!  Does anyone want to change things up and put milk in your water guns? We've got plenty! Who wants to have a milk balloon fight? This is gonna be AWESOME! Can I get you a glass of milk to go with your milk?  Your plants thirsty?


The guy from Office Space

STAGE 2: ECSTATIC = 1 and 3/4 gallons

Wooohooo!!  That milk jug still looks pretty full!  Hey, neighbor with the new baby, come over here and fill your pitcher up with some of my 2% for that thirsty little thing!  Is that little milk guzzler still crying? I'll tell you what, take the rest of the gallon. Sure!! Hey, I've got a heart...AND a whole other gallon of milk in there. Check it out! Still almost full! GOOOOOO MILK!!!!  [This is where the milk addict MAY do a back-flip and misjudge the space in the kitchen resulting in severe bruising & a tad bit of head trauma & may end up resembling that guy up there from Office Space]

STAGE 3: PANICKED = 1 gallon

There's only one gallon in there.  There's only one gallon in there.  There's only one gallon in there.  There's only one gallon in there.  Gotta go easy on the Ovaltine.  Gotta go easy on the Ovaltine. Son, are you using milk to dip your watercolor brushes in? Alright, we gotta stop that mess.  The 2 gallon life of luxury is no more, son!  It's no moooooore!!  When can I go to the store?  When can I go to the store?  What, son?  You want some chocolate milk?  Alright, alright, alright.  Grab the Ovaltine and the top of the toothpaste cap and I'll whip you some up.

STAGE 4: AN ABSOLUTE SHELL OF A PERSON

= 1/2 gallon

You might as well hang it up. This is gone by the end of the stinkin' day. The stinkin' day!!!   I don't have time to go by the store for more milk right now. How can I make this stretch? Kids, strain your Cinnamon Toast Crunch from your old cereal milk, get a funnel and put that white gold in the refrigerator!  Hide it behind the pickles!

STAGE 5: IN NEED OF A TRANQUILIZER SHOT = the....last...5....drops

No milk?!?! [loud wailing and gnashing of teeth begin] Five drops! Five (sob) drops (sob)? I don't care. Put the edge of that Oreo in the little milk puddle and let me enjoy the bliss for a second or two.  Why didn't we get milk before now? [continues to loudly wail]

For the love of Oreos, don't let the milk addict in your life get to the last 5 drops.  Please.  Go by the store for them & remember my motto: When in doubt, clear the milk shelf out.

**This topic was covered on my blog about a year ago, so if you've read me since then, this may look familiar!**