The Four Incredibly Different Faces of Santa

12:00 p.m.

"Well, kids, there's Santa!   Why don't we wait in this gigantic line so that you guys can tell him what you want for Christmas, huh?  Santa looks so jolly, doesn't he?  Just like the movies!  Nice full beard.  Round tummy.  Pink cheeks.  This is the real deal, kids!  Hold on...hold on...yes, ma'am?  What did you say?  Oh!  Santa is going on a lunch break.  Okay.  That's fine.   Well, kids, you know what?  I need to actually go to the other mall for a present that I couldn't find here.  Santa will be there, too!  That Santa gets around!  Let's go see him there. We'll get there fast and, besides, this line extends practically to that mall anyway."

12:15 p.m.
"Well, there he is, kids.  Yes, you're right.  It does appear that he has changed clothes.  Aren't you a smart and observant little thing?  Well, you know, Santa may have gotten some of that Kung Pao Chicken from the Chinese place at the Mall Food Court all over his coat.  He probably has a few different coats, kids.  Not to worry.  He's the real deal, too.  Well, yes, you're right.  He is a little skinnier than he was just 15 minutes ago when we saw him at the other mall.  Maybe he drank a Diet Coke and those "diet" drinks work really fast on someone as magical as Santa.  I wish I were Santa!  I'd drink about 5 Diet Cokes right now, youknowwhatI'msayin?  You don't?  Okay.  Well, anyway, let's wait here.  Ma'am?  Ohhhhhhh.  I see.  Santa has gotten a headache from all of the crying kids and is taking a break?  Okay.  Well, kids, let's scoot out of here to another shopping center.  Maybe Santa is going there to buy his medicine and we can be first in line after he comes out of the drug store.  We'll just follow him around until he sits down and then I'll throw you two on his skinny lap."

12:35 p.m.
"Looks like he's already sitting down, kids!  Here is headache-free Santa.  We will stand in line to see him if it takes all day.   What, son?  Oh, my, you're right.  It appears that Santa has really, really grown much larger than he was just 20 minutes ago at the mall.  Why, yes, you're right.  His legs are much, much, much wider.   Are you pretending to be a detective, son?  You 're only 3!  Maybe you're a little young to be choosing a career!!  Maybe you need to stop being so critical!!!  Well, really, I can explain this one.  Before he flew over to this mall with his reindeer and his sleigh, he went back for seconds of that Kung Pao chicken, because sometimes you get a headache from not eating enough.  So, after getting more Kung Pao chicken, he decided to get an egg roll, fried rice, slice of pizza, cookie, large regular Coke, sub, corn dog and some Dippin' Dots.  Just like the Diet Coke worked wonders for him within seconds, well, all of that food piled on the pounds within seconds.  So, yeah, that's what that's all about.  Hold on, kids.  Ma'am?  This Santa has had enough of "all of this kid crap" and needs a nap?  Is that right?  What about my pictures???   I need Santa pictures!!!!  (Deep sighs.) Okay, kids, I bet I know the place where Santa is going to go when he wakes up from his nap.  Let's drive over there. I PROMISE, this is the LAST place we will go.  I just KNOW Santa will be wide awake, well-fed, happy and smiling by then."

12:50 p.m.
Hanalei's Santa Claus Close Up

 "Finally!  Well, look at that!  Santa appears to be feeling much better!  He is smiling and looks like he isn't hungry right now.  Let's wait  in this line.  Swe...sweet...sweetie, no, no more observations.  Nope, nope...Mommy can't hear you.  That'll be enough.  Okay, okay, yes, I can hear you now.  Drop the dingdang volume, son.  Okay, what was that? You think Santa looks really different than he did before his nap?  Well, naps have a  way of transforming a person!  They really do, son.  They really, really do.

SANTA!!!  We are so happy to see you!!!"

If you have kids, do they ever notice the different Santas?  What do you tell them?  Did you ever notice them when you were younger?


Alison@Mama Wants This said... [Reply]

Hahahahaha!!! Love this, it's hilarious!

Why do all kids cry in Santa's lap? ;)

Shelly said... [Reply]

Too funny- and true!

Eva Gallant said... [Reply]

Brilliant! Loved it!

Desiree said... [Reply]

This has given me the best full on laugh in days! You are a genius, Kelley! You come up with the funniest things , so often things no one else has ever thought about. I really loved this!

Kristina P. said... [Reply]

Ha! My dad was a mall Santa when he was like 22. Really? I don't understand how that worked.

Susan in the Boonies said... [Reply]

You shop too much. :-D
One mall/one Santa/no problemo.

Rachel said... [Reply]


Why is it that kids make the most dangerous obvervations at full volume?

Loving the photos... poor Santa(s)!

In Real Life said... [Reply]

Hee Hee! This is such a cute post! :)

My children have never had their picture with Santa! My daughter had such terrible stranger anxiety when she was a toddler, that even suggesting that we go see Santa, while we were walking by, caused her to start crying at full volume...there was no way, she was going to sit on someone's knee, not even Santa's, and have her picture taken!

Emmy said... [Reply]

My mom used to tell me the mall Santas were just Santa's helpers as he was much too busy getting toys ready but the helpers would get what we wanted back to him

TV's Take said... [Reply]

Love the time stamp. We lived in a very small town so we had a very generic santa :-)

Yvonne said... [Reply]

I went to several malls last Saturday and made a mental note of the Santas. They all look so mean and grumpy! No wonder the kids are crying!

Lazarus said... [Reply]

KKell, very, very funny -- it's about time that someone in the national media called out Santa for his ever-changing looks! Great post!

W.C.Camp said... [Reply]

It has been too long to remember but I do remember hating those long lines and avoiding them if possible.
Cute post and I feel for you. Enjoy it though because the times will go by very quickly. W.C.C.

Cindi said... [Reply]

Wish diet coke would work that well and fast for me! LoL

JDaniel4's Mom said... [Reply]

He totally changes from beginning to end! The last Santa seems to really like his job!

AudreyO said... [Reply]

I loved your post. I truly can't imagine children crying in Santa's lap. And how on earth does Santa do it for hours and hours each and every day?

Pearl said... [Reply]

It's weird, but I always get the urge to cry when I sit in a strange man's lap, too...


kmcaffee said... [Reply]

Oh man!! I wish I had a picture like #3! I would put it in a special frame and keep it up all year long! Love this!! Oh and by the way, you should absolutely read all the Harry Potter books! They ROCK!! Merry Christmas!!

j. littlejohn said... [Reply]

sometimes i wonder if santa's ever just going to give up on children completely

Peiji said... [Reply]

lol loved this post
I don't remember much about seeing Santa
at the mall when I was young. I think I also
knew that Santa was not real because I wasn't
brought up with the 'stories' >>

but I've never thought about how kids would
notice the difference! lol I should really observe
other kids when I go to the mall next time =p

Peiji said... [Reply]
This comment has been removed by the author.
My Inner Chick said... [Reply]

the way things are nowadays with all the creepy creeps (Penn State & such), I'm surprised that moms' are still letting their kids sit on Santa's yucky lap!!! xx

Natalie said... [Reply]

Oh the many faces of Santa :)

Erin said... [Reply]

'Naps have a way of transforming people' - brilliantly funny.

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