The Food Alarms: Guaranteed to Make You Lose Weight or Go Insane While Trying

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Folks.  It’s getting ridiculous.  I can’t keep myself from indulging in things I know I shouldn’t eat.  In the morning, I’ll eat a slice of wheat toast and a 1/4 cup of Egg Beaters and then finish off the entire buffet table at Golden Corral AND Ryan’s Steakhouse in 30 minutes flat for lunch.  In the morning, I’m all about it and then a temptation crosses my path and I consume it like a lion who hasn’t eaten in months.  So, that’s why I came up with the idea for Food Alarms.  If this idea takes off, they’ll be on ever Big Lots shelf across the land.  My heart is swelling with pride already at the thought.  Here’s the scoop:

THE FOOD ALARMS

Here’s how it works: there are 5 levels of food alarms.  These alarms are found in your pantry.  The refrigerated alarm system is still being developed in our fancy labs, so hang on tight for that one.  Each level of food has a different alarm on it that is more excruciating and annoying than the last.  The alarms are attached to large boxes where these different foods are kept.  Here are the five different boxes/alarms:

ALARM #1: NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD
Alarm #1 will immediately sound when you dig around the box for a bag of chips or if you even just grab a chip or two.  Also kept in this box are crackers and Movie Theater Butter Popcorn.  Orville is NOT your friend.  He would love nothing more than for you to roll everywhere and become a human ball caught in a popcorn eating frenzy.
ALARM #2: THE ANNOYING ORANGE SAYING ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING

 

ALARM #3: EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM
THIS is an annoying sound, amirite?  Ugh!  Really, it’s more than an irritating sound.  It’s a reminder that your program has been interrupted!  Something as minor as a tornado or flash flood warning or terrible hurricane is interfering with your precious TV show!  That is why this particular sound gets linked to the box containing Coke, Dr. Pepper, Sprite or any sugary drink, juice boxes included!

ALARM #4: GILBERT GOTTFRIED

ALARM #5: A CAR ALARM
These would make perfect Christmas gifts!  You can even customize the annoying sounds.  Maybe your husband’s snoring is worthy of a level 5?  The whole kit is only $19.95 and, if you act now, we’ll throw in the ShamWow, Oxiclean, Showtime Rotisserie (Ron Popeil!) and a Tae Bo tape!!

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