The Foot Fight

I'm taking a break from blogging.  I don't typically do the things that many bloggers do, like Wordless Wednesdays, memes, linkys, etc.  Maybe that is what real bloggers do while I'm over here talking about my sister's impromptu old food White Elephant party or weird insects or something.  Ridiculous.  So, I'm taking a break.

Okay, it was a short one.  It occurred just during the moment it took me to scroll down from that period after the "k" up there and until I typed that "O" in the line above this one.  A true break really wasn't going on anyway as I was holding the down arrow key during the "break" and that was terribly stressful.

I can't take a break from blogging yet, because where would I write about this rant I witnessed from Left Foot just the other day?  People magazine does not want rants about feet talking to each other.  I asked and they yelled at me.  Also uninterested are those free classified newspapers no one reads that sit and beg to be picked up as you exit the grocery stores.  They didn't even want any part of this rant.   Ann's Rants said she has enough rants on her own blog and suggested I might call an adoption agency or the local rant shelter.  THAT is why it is on this blog today.  This rant has nowhere else to go.  Rant is at the end of it's rope.  For the love of God, open up the door and let Rant inside.  Rant is cold and Rant wants a bowl of soup.

These are not my shoes.  Or feet.

Left Foot's Rant (a.k.a "Rant"):
I feel so stupid sitting over here!  Just SITTING here.  I can't push the brakes, I can't push the gas.  If I even ASK Right Foot about it, he snaps at me and says to leave him alone because he's driving, like he's Mr. Important Man and I'm nothing but a slug's fart.  I'd like to play on an iPhone or Gameboy or something, but I've got no hands.  So, I sit.  Sit and stare at Right Foot showing off and flexing his muscles when it's time to make those big stops.  I tell him he just goes fast so he can stop suddenly and look really strong and in control.  I told him he wouldn't have to stop so suddenly if he would just let me control the brake pedal while he controls the gas.  Has he ever heard about the little preschool concept of SHARING??  He refuses.  The little selfish freak refuses.  Every.  Time.  Do you know how stupid I feel??  It's embarrassing and humiliating!  I feel like an idiot!  Everyone trusts me to help walk them everywhere, you see.  They trust me to help walk up and down the stairs. I'm great at pushing bike pedals, too!   You should see me on a highwire!  Have you ever seen Right Foot tiptoe anywhere all by himself?  CAN'T BE DONE!  But, driving? I'm treated like a useless moron when it comes to driving.  Makes no sense.  I'd kick that Right Foot right in the butt if he had one!
The last I heard, Left Foot was really trying to make a case for moving to Europe where the steering wheel is on the left side of the car.

(My husband's grandfather actually drives with one foot on the gas and one foot on the pedal.  His feet are happy and, apparently, argue very little.)

Quit blogging, right?  Save you from this insanity?


Desiree said... [Reply]

Kelley, you really are priceless! You come up with some of the funniest things I've ever heard. Please, please don't ever take a break! Your absence would leave a great big black hole! I 'll be laughing at this all day and from now on every time I settle my two feet in the car to drive :)

Saimi said... [Reply]

Don't you dare quit blogging or I'll be ranting!!

Yvonne said... [Reply]

Not funny! You got me all worried thinking you were going to take a break! Ok, totally lying, it WAS funny!

Interwebs Fails said... [Reply]

I can't drive. D:

Alison@Mama Wants This said... [Reply]

Thank goodness you're not quitting, because no one else would write a foot rant!!

MomMeTime said... [Reply]

You Rock!

Oh you are mistaken about your husbands grandfathers see, I like your husbands grandfather, have the same problem, from time to time, my left foot tries to sneak and operate the brake pedal...the right foot bitch slaps the left -- you would not believe the right/left foot conflict it creates. Having a passive aggressive left foot is so much better...I think! :)

AllenTesch said... [Reply]

My left keeps my right from being bored by tapping along to the music. Also, use cruise control so right can sit back and relax along with left.

Shelly said... [Reply]

Don't you quit blogging!!!

Abby said... [Reply]

I've been thinking about taking a break as well, simply because a)I'm out of ideas and b)I feel like I've been neglecting my left foot entirely too much. I've tried crossing my legs both ways so that both have the chance to dangle and tap when I'm restless at work (all day) and open doors with the left--just to even things out--but I still think there's more I could do.

Plus, no one can match your wit ;)

Eva Gallant said... [Reply]

That was so clever! Don't you dare quit!

TisforTonya said... [Reply]

My left foot is actually a tyrant - not interested in the menial work of pushing pedals... right foot is forced to do all the work but gets a sick sense of satisfaction out of purposely tripping over imaginary things during the day to make Left foot have a hop an extra time or two in order to maintain balance.

ahh, apparently we both need to see podipsychiatrists.

Annabelle said... [Reply]

No breaks for you lady, back to the blogmine.

Your funny gets me through more days than you know. Glad glad glad you're here.

Jonah Gibson said... [Reply]

My left foot has gout. Its rant is way more pissy than yours. For one thing gout is supposed to be an affliction that afflicts rich people. My left foot hasn't had a job for over three years. It is just as poor as the rest of me, which is pretty poor. Glad the idleness of you left foot hasn't affected your funny bone. That would be tragic.

Kimberly said... [Reply]

Good lord woman...I was ready to punch you in the taco from all the way in Canada.
And rant needs a bowl of soup?
I die.
Rant also needs a beer. Preferably Alexander Keiths. Just for the record.

Anonymous said... [Reply]

Kelly got the BLYBNZ .
Kelly got the BOOT.
Kelly got the INQUIZE.
Louisiana THOOTES!

Natalie said... [Reply]

Ha ha! My aunt drives with both feet too..guess she has "happy feet" ha ha!

Ann Imig said... [Reply]


MamaMash said... [Reply]

Oh, no. You can't quit. You remind me that this is supposed to be fun, and how ridiculous it all is, really.

And plus, PLUS, I'm hoping one day I'll actually get to meet you at some random blog event.

Carri said... [Reply]

That's not your foot? Good thing you clarified... those shoes are horrific.

My Inner Chick said... [Reply]

---You frightened me.

You cannot quit blogging.

I love hearing about your crazy rants ::)))

Melinda said... [Reply]

LOL! I never thought about this until now but...why are there not left-handed cars. Seems like people that are left handed would drive better with their left foot. Can you imagine? :)

Cindi said... [Reply]

No, don't quit blogging, we love the morning chuckles! You can rant anytime you want and we'll be here to laugh with you. LoL

Deborah said... [Reply]

No to the blog break btw. NO. :)

Dear Left Foot:

Buy a manual transmission car.

Love, Deborah

Miss Melicious said... [Reply]

I took a break..and now I'm back...sometimes, we all need a little break. Should you decide to take a break, don't make it as long as mine!

That said...I learned to drive in a finicky Bronco...Left foot had to stay on the brake at stop lights and such, because right foot had to stay on the gas....otherwise, it would stall out. It made for some interesting and probably at times dangerous driving from a 16 year old...but back then my feet never argued. I find left foot is now easy to please with nail polish and cute socks.

SuzRocks said... [Reply]

I just bought a car with a manual transmission, just to stop the feet from arguing. It was getting pretty mean down there. Now the left foot gets to push the clutch in, and everyone is happy.

Pearl said... [Reply]

1. the left foot wants yu to get a stick shift.

2. quit blogging? What, and give up all the glamor?!


Deidre said... [Reply]

No no no, left food just needs to convince Rest of Body to get a manual - then left foot has all the important work of changing gears!

thatnolenchick said... [Reply]

Dear Left Foot:
Moving to Europe wouldn't make a difference. Right foot still gets all the action. On the other hand (pun intended), Left Hand gets lots more action (radio!) while Right Hand gets to keep important jobs (automatic transmission shifting).

Maybe a manual transmission and/or taking up clog dancing would be your best bet.

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